AIBU - DP and shaving legs

[LegHair]

Am long time lurker and first time poster.

Was having a bath this evening, with DP sat in the bathroom chatting. Somehow ended up in a row about me not shaving my legs “because you know I like it and we should make the effort for each other”.

Haven’t shaved legs in some time, because quite frankly I have better things to do with my time and rarely wear shorts or dresses that show off my legs. Always shave on holiday or when wearing dresses etc.

My point is that I want to be made to feel sexy and loved no matter what I choose to do with my body which is how I try to be with DP in the relationship.

So mumsnet jury - who IBU?

I don’t really shave my legs unless it’s summer - DH and I call it my “winter coat”.

If DH told me he really wanted me to shave my legs when shaved legs are out of season, I would propose the same deal we have regarding pubes - if one of us can be arsed to shave/trim, then the other one does the same to match.

There are so many of these threads, full of outraged women. But come on, being realistic how many people would prefer their partner to keep well groomed? It's ridiculous and unrealistic to expect that you can just not bother with things like shaving and any decent man won't care. Of course any decent man won't be unkind about it but you're deluded if you think that making an effort with yourself isn't important in a relationship. Be outraged if you want but open your eyes to the importance of physical attraction in a relationship.

I think hairy legs are just sheer laziness. I do mine every other day while having a shower, takes less than a minute per leg then a quick bit of moisturiser after.

@Rainycloudyday Absolutely you agree!!

I think on threads like these, the overwhelming response is always that the DP/DH is being unreasonable and the OP should do what she wants with her own body.
However rather than focusing on the hairy legs/ no hairy legs issue, it's more about the character of the relationship as a whole - the effort made to please, the credence given to the DH/DP's views, an ability to go the extra mile for them, a wish to be their version of well groomed and sexy, even if the OP thinks they'd rather not. It takes 5-10 mins to shave, and if that makes for a happier relationship and sends the signals out to the DH/DP that she's listened - what's the harm?

Making an effort is like...
washing
wearing clean clothes

I don't shave my legs because I think it's part of various oppressive practices women are meant to keep up with which I think are nonsensical at best.

If that was offputting to someone they could jog on, frankly.

This, essentially

The issue I have with his comment is that he is basically guilt tripping you. Plenty of talk about how you should be doing xx because he likes him and in the relationship you shouod be doing nice things for each other.
And yes it is true. But in the other side, there are limits to it (let’s say he fancies you more if you have long/short/boue hair or hair les down there, would you do it or would you say it’s your body/hair and you will decide?). He is only getting away with it because it’s body hair and women are ‘supposed’ to be hairless.

I also believe that that sort of things happens wo needing to be said or be upset, otherwise it’s becoming coercive.

So basically him telling you he prefers shaved/waxed legs is ok. Him getting upset/having a row/that you are not making any effort to be nice to him isn’t.

After that, it’s your body and up to you to decide if this is someth8ng you want to do ‘for him’ or not.
Fwiw seen the way he went on demanding you shave, i wouldn’t do it. Even if it was just to make a point. But I can be stubborn.

I can't believe I'm writing this, and I am thoroughly ashamed of myself really, but the fact is that the vast majority of women shave/wax etc their legs. Because of 'society' I also do not like the look of unshaved legs on women (I am one, btw before anyone thinks this is a man talking) so the fact he has a penis doesn't make him inherently U on this matter - if he is, so are a lot of us.
Hangs head in shame and hands back feminist badge

You like his arse to be totally hair free don't you?
If you can make the effort to shave your legs then the least he can do is to make the effort to wax his bum 😜 lol.

I think hairy legs are just sheer laziness. I do mine every other day while having a shower, takes less than a minute per leg then a quick bit of moisturiser after.

Exactly this.

So like many others here, I'm being exactly as lazy as my DP. If he steps up his game and shaves his legs every other day, I'll be happy to do the same.

If I told my OH that I preferred him to, say, wear a particular shirt,and this shirt took ages to iron and was a bit of a pain the arse so he didn't bother despite knowing I thought he looked hot in it, fine. I wouldn't think too much of it.
If he then spent ages ironing that shirt to wear on holiday, around strangers, I would (I think quite reasonably) feel a bit miffed.
You want to feel sexy and loved irrespective of whether or not you shave your legs: fair enough. He doesn't find hairy legs sexy. I don't know if he has said they are gross etc, or just that he prefers them shaved. But that is his preference. He is allowed to have it.
I think it is important to make an effort for each other. I'd feel a bit put out if my OH was willing to make an effort for strangers that he wasn't willing to make for me

There is no fucking way I'm shaving my legs and I wear 3/4 length pants and shorts in summer too.

So like many others here, I'm being exactly as lazy as my DP. If he steps up his game and shaves his legs every other day, I'll be happy to do the same

Agree. But even if he did shave his legs I wouldn't be arsed to do mine. Or my pits or anything else. So sue me.

I'm not sure that it is doing it for strangers though.

I would say it's doing it for herself, so she avoids the judgement of strangers, and that a partner who wanted her to feel comfortable would understand and support that.

In fact, I've just remembered I have shaved my legs in recent memory. DP begged me to do it because we were going to a hotel pool to socialise with his work colleagues and he was desperately embarrassed by my hairy legs. So I did. To save him social embarrassment (not myself - because TBH, I've been swimming plenty of times with hairy legs, and no-one batted an eyelid about it). That's the equivalent I would say personally.

Looby but when do we see men actually going the extra mile for the sake of the relationship?
What about the the effort made to please, the credence given to the DH/DP's views, an ability to go the extra mile for them, a wish to be their version of well groomed and sexy, even if the OP thinks they'd rather not.
Would the OP’s DH be happy to shave or wax his legs? Will he go the extra mile for her, maybe by cleaning the house wo been asked again? Would he be happy to stop wearing x t-shirt because his dw thinks it's tatty and he doesn’t look well groomed or sexy? Would he shave his bits because she thinks it’s more sexy?

All those things that are seen as ‘normal’ to make an effort for in a relationship is asked only to women. Men never need to do any of that and their version of ‘going the extra mile’ is always a much ‘milder’ version. It usually involves just being a normal human being and taking care of their partner rather than doing something they aren’t keen on/can’t be bothered with.

If men can have enough body autonomy in the relationship to say trying want to shave their bits because then it’s scratchy and uncomfortable. Because it takes time and they can’t be bothered. Then women shouod be entitled to the same body autonomy.

Wow - 146 responses, thanks all. I want to reply to everyone individually as so many fantastic points (on both “sides”) raised. However, I sadly also don’t have time for that .

Many have asked what effort DP puts in “for me”. Looking after me when I’m unwell, making me laugh...etc etc. Those are the sort of things I value in a relationship rather than how often DP shaves (had not fully considered this before). I do a lot that DP values in the relationship too which are nothing to do with the way I look (and some that are!). The poster(s) who said about DP treating my body like a commodity really hit home. I have had a frank discussion with DP this morning (using some examples from this thread) who really got it and ended up telling me not to shave . I also was able to see things from DP’s view a little more and may be tempted to shave a little bit more often!

Lastly I think that some posts were incredibly rude and highlighted internalised sexism in a big way - carry on with feeling better because you put other women down for making choices about their body and I’ll carry on trying to navigate everyday sexism in my own way

OP, you can't be bothered to shave you legs - when only you husband can see them. If others can see them - skirt, holidays - you "always" shave them. You husband fully understands how important he is to you.

Hairy legs vile?
Someone's done a job on you.

I shave what he shaves, neither of us are a fan of hair in the mouth so we keep our pubis trim but not bald, bald is weird and childlike.

I don’t shave my legs or armpits, haven’t for years. Ask your DH why he wants you to have the body hair of a child. Because he needs to inspect that decision making and realise how fucking atrocious it is.

Oh and as for the ‘decent man’ argument.

‘Decent men’ don’t want their spouses to look like children and when presented with the reality of the socialisation thst has created that preference in their minds, will fucking swiftly stop it.

Absolutely nothing dirty about body hair, what a load of nonsense. Reminds me of those horrible netball coach types I had to suffer in the eighties who liked to talk purse-lipped about how "decent" girls behave, whilst sporting permed mullets.
They would not have cared for leg hair either.

The thing is when you are not prepared to do things or look the way your partner finds attractive then you've got to wonder if you do love each other

Tell that to my friend. Her ex started with tje shaving bit then moved on to only wearing dresses or skirts as she 'looked better in them' then only brown beige clothes, no make up, hair length, where she could go or not go as he felt 'uncomfortable' with her being looked at by other men when she should only be there for him to look at yadda yadda.

Why should anyone have to conform to someone elses idea of what a woman/man should look like in thier opinion.
If you are comfortable in your own skin, confident in how you want to look and are a kind, supportive and loving person to your partner that should be enough.

I think hairy legs are just sheer laziness
So why dont 100% of the population do it then? Why are you saying that women should spend time in the morning shaving various bits of their body into an unnatural hairless state when men are not expected to? Being 'well groomed' is washing regularly, brushing your hair (if its in a style that needs it brushed😀) and cleaning your teeth. Everything else is cosmetic extras and personal choice.

It's ridiculous and unrealistic to expect that you can just not bother with things like shaving and any decent man won't care
Any decent man only cares about his partners own body autonomy and how she feels about her own body. Why should a man dictate that a woman has to look a certain way or he will disapprove? Any man.who decides after making a commitment to someone that the whole relationship is in peril due to a natural part of her body isnt a decent man fgs.

I only shave and trim if I am going to go swimming. I pretend that I do it because it makes me more streamlined. However, I know that I remove my leg and underarm hair because I was brought up in the decades when it was expected that women would do this. The other trimming is really for the sake of public decency.

It's your hair do what you want. Societal norms, implemented by men, have made us think it's normal to shave our leg hair. DO what you want.

I'm 24 and I don't shave my legs unless I'm on holiday or it's peak summer - I can't be bothered. I have very fine hairs now as a result and they can't be seen.

If they were stubbly or thick black like all my other body hair then I would probably shave. But it's down to each individual.

Tell him you want him to make an effort by waxing his ballsack ... might change his tune!

Haven't read the whole thread but unshaved legs are actually smoother to the touch in my opinion. After shaving there's a sort of unnatural scraped texture, followed by the slightly stubbly feel even before the regrowth is visible. The same feeling you'd get while running your hand over a man's chin.

I worry about relationships where people are too proprietorial over the way their partners look. It's good to wash, eat well, take care of oneself. But it would be depressing to think personal attraction was all about how closely our partners conformed to some external image of 'manliness' or - God help us - 'femininity'.