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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this mum she has to stay with her child?

352 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 26/09/2018 20:48

Ds is having a party in a soft play centre next week. Last week there was a party and one mum left her child there and came back for him later.

I know this is sometimes a done thing so for context, the kids are around 5/6 yrs old and he only started this term. If he was older or if I knew them better but as it is, I am not comfortable looking after a child I have never even spoke to. I couldn't pick his mum out in a line up!

I want to make it clear that she cannot leave him but don't want to cause offence. Would you send a text to all mums saying that they are expected to stay with kids or hope it was a one off and say something on the day if you have to?

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 27/09/2018 22:50

Itsnot - IME, the hosting parent arranges enough supervision - ie agrees with certain parents, relatives or other friends that they will stay and help to host the party.

The size of the party is then limited by the amount of supervision possible. If you can't round up 10 people who are willing to help supervise (this tended to be a mutual thing - helping out at one anothers' parties), then you don't invite 30 children, but invite 10 instead, for example.

The centre staff, at least for 'organised birthday parties', IME did the basic supervision work of assembling children, getting phone numbers from all parents, showing them to food area and where coats can be left etc.

cantkeepawayforever · 27/09/2018 22:51

Again as I say, living rurally, the helping parents / friends often tended to lift share for groups of children, so they would naturally have more specific oversight of 1 specific duo or trio of children, the ones who travelled with them.

CripsSandwiches · 27/09/2018 23:01

I'm a bit confused as to who you think is looking after your 5 year old in a massive soft play if you aren't there? The birthday childs parent? All 15-20 kids whilst making sure the party is running smoothly?

The birthday host organises a few other people to stay and host. The staff are there to prevent any children leaving the venue and to help serve up food etc. Most of the kids are just off playing happily to be honest and only emerge when they want a drink or the cake's being served up. I'm not sure what else the hosting would involve in a soft play place other than keeping an eye on the kids?

MadhousMom59 · 27/09/2018 23:11

You are not a drop off service for for parents to leave their kids.

cantkeepawayforever · 27/09/2018 23:14

Madhouse,

IME, children's parties are exactly that - parties for children, hosted by some grown-ups.

I would no more have expected to stay, if not specifically asked, than I would expect to go to my DH's work Christmas 'do', to which only staff are invited.

If I and my child/ren were invited together, then I would expect to stay, as I would have expected to stay in the pre-school years.

cantkeepawayforever · 27/09/2018 23:17

However, I gather from this thread that there are different local 'norms'. None of the norms are, of tghemselves, right or wrong, they are just different.

Misunderstandings will occur when those norms are not communicated or not understood. Always better to be explicit in the invitation.

Helentad · 28/09/2018 00:07

Early entitlement age 3 (we are in Wales) so not even nursery or reception we had our boys first birthday party as birthday is end of September they had literally been at the school 3 weeks and we didn’t know the parents or children at this point. One mum knocked and asked what time her ds needed to be collected. From then on it was the same at every party always dropped off and left when all the other parents would stay. Felt really sorry for him in the end.

Mummadeeze · 28/09/2018 04:15

I have only just felt happy leaving my child at parties and she is 9 - bit embarrassing to admit that, but I worry that she might want me for some reason or hurt herself etc. When she was 6, only one person left their child at the soft play place with us. All other 30 parents stayed and I was grateful as it is a responsibility looking after a big party of young kids in those places. I think if that one person goes, and most other parents stay you will be fine because you can say to one of the others, could you keep an eye on whatisname whilst I am doing all the other things that need doing and they probably won’t mind. And kids do still need help with stuff at that age like going to the loo and helping themselves to food etc. Good luck with it all though.

LaurieMarlow · 28/09/2018 05:20

DS is 4 and already a quarter to a third of parents drop and scarper. I'd definitely expect to drop at 6.

It's different if you're having a party in the house and have catered for the adults.

blueskiesandforests · 28/09/2018 06:15

I've got 3 kids, youngest age 7, and have hosted at least 20 drop off kids'parties and there's never been a drama beyond a grazed knee.

Does how melody or accident prone kids are also vary by area?

Some people seem to have a funny idea of hosting and to be under the impression that they are bestowing a favour for which other parents should be grateful by issuing a party invitation. Others tend more to the opinion that parents of attendees are doing the host a favour by facilitating the party. There'd be a very sad and disappointed birthday child and bitter parent if other parents didn't supply their children as party attendees baring presents, whereas if the party never happened the potential attendees wouldn't be impacted at all.

I wonder if those who demand invitees parents stay to look after their own invited child, without bringing their other children, and buy their own drinks, are as demanding if they host parties for adults.

blueskiesandforests · 28/09/2018 06:16

^ melodramatic not melody

6 year olds without special needs can definitely take themselves to the toilet at soft play, and they can't wander out of the soft play because its gated.

SnowOnTheSeine · 28/09/2018 06:28

Ok so take the softplay party for an example.

What does the host do?

Watch over the invited children ? Nope, parents are supposed to do that

Sort out the party lunch? Nope the centre staff do it

Organise games? Nope it's a soft play.

So what exactly are you doing ? I genuinely want to know.

I spend my sons' parties organizing games and sorting the birthday tea. I don't need 1 adult per child for that (even in a public park where they can run off - We had 3 adults for 8 4-5 year olds).

Clare45BST · 28/09/2018 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlie97 · 28/09/2018 06:59

There is a big difference in a 5 yr old that has been at the school 2 weeks and a child that you have known for 12/18 months. If it was a parent & child I knew I wouldn't be concerned about them leaving but I don't know them and its hard enough to find all the kids in these places as it is. I also think it is unfair on the child to dump him with strangers.

His class mates are not strangers! It is not your business to tell the other parent how to parent their child!!

I think this is a huge drama over nothing, the child is happy to be left or he would not want to go.

I think you are pushing what you feel is acceptable into other parents. They don't have to feel or parent the same way as you.

HellenaHandbasket · 28/09/2018 07:29

Honestly, I've been to 3 or 4 soft play parties and not all parents stay, or are needed. Obviously we have been lucky to have no broken limbs, but adults haven't been needed. There is a staff member allocated who calls them all over a tannoy to come for food, leads them up etc. Host plus their family members get them seated, dish up etc. Staff member gets shoes back etc. No parents have ever had to do anything bar sit and drink crap coffee. I can totally see why some parents nip off. Weekend time is at a premium.

ferrier · 28/09/2018 08:04

Absolutely. At soft play there's virtually zero hosting to do. The kids play happily for an hour. They know where you are so occasionally the odd one or two may come to you for something.... usually, I can't find Billy, where's Billy or something similar .... takes 30 seconds to sort out then off they go again. In the mean time you lay the birthday tea out. Centre staff call them off the play frame. Bit of a scrum all finding a seat for tea but then all busy eating. Then cake and then go. It's a very easy party to host. Dh did it with a couple of my friends one year when I'd given birth two days prior. That's all it needs and to be honest, I'd be happy to do it on my own. Centre staff are always on hand if there are any issues, accidents, rough play etc.

pollymere · 28/09/2018 17:20

Sorry, I wouldn't expect any adult to stay, unless a child needed it for developmental reasons.

Butterymuffin · 28/09/2018 17:23

So no one takes their 5 year old to the toilet in a public place, then? All 4/5 year olds are fine with going by themselves? Doesn't fit with all the ones I see being accompanied in restaurants, motorway service stations, museums, etc.

HellenaHandbasket · 28/09/2018 17:35

In those places I would, but in a soft play they would take themselves. Surely you can see the difference?

OutPinked · 28/09/2018 17:49

I always left mine from school age onwards as did parents when I was a child... I can understand staying for a three year olds party but anything older than that is ridiculous imo. I have other children and don’t always have someone to leave them with while I sit drinking coffee at a kids birthday party Hmm. Plus honestly children’s birthday parties are my idea of a nightmare. If I were expected to stay and give up a couple of hours of my weekend, I’d decline the invite.

blueskiesandforests · 28/09/2018 18:58

Buttery do you think motorway service station toilets and soft play toilets are the same environment?

WhenIWasAYoungWarthog · 28/09/2018 19:27

buttery wtf has people accompanying children to the loo in a service station got to do with this? Did you post on the wrong thread?

Charlie97 · 28/09/2018 19:32

@Butterymuffin WTF? Ridiculous comparison!! Or are you one of those there is danger everywhere you mustn't let children out of your sight at any age ever!

Ginburee · 30/09/2018 17:06

We have 3 children at our school most people stay at reception parties and most dump and run afterwards. We have hosted many parties and have never had anybossues but insisted on having parents contact details.
If a child is clingy then the parent will stay with them.

TeenTimesTwo · 30/09/2018 17:23

I'm with those who say you don't necessarily expect parents to stay in y1.
If you as a host need them to stay then you have to say so, and if you want them to go then say that too.

As organiser of the party, you arrange the number of adults needed for safe supervision, whether that is via your extended family or from other parents.

We never did whole class parties as I wouldn't have wanted to be responsible for that many children.

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