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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this mum she has to stay with her child?

352 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 26/09/2018 20:48

Ds is having a party in a soft play centre next week. Last week there was a party and one mum left her child there and came back for him later.

I know this is sometimes a done thing so for context, the kids are around 5/6 yrs old and he only started this term. If he was older or if I knew them better but as it is, I am not comfortable looking after a child I have never even spoke to. I couldn't pick his mum out in a line up!

I want to make it clear that she cannot leave him but don't want to cause offence. Would you send a text to all mums saying that they are expected to stay with kids or hope it was a one off and say something on the day if you have to?

OP posts:
SnowOnTheSeine · 27/09/2018 19:02

I can't get my head round inviting loads of children but expecting parents to stay. So, your role as a host is what? To pay the entrance fee and for cake? Surely you are also responsible for watching the children ? What else will you be doing during the party?

Here, people drop and run from 3/4. The host parents make sure they have enough helpers for the number of children (full class parties are very rare).

For ages 4-6 We invited 6-8 children and ran all the games ourselves (in a public park so grandparents helped make sure no one ran off). DS has just had his 7th birthday and we shepherded 10 7 year old'boys from bowling to mcdonalds back to ours (walking). Just with me and DH. It was fine - if a little loud!

ferrier · 27/09/2018 19:06

I'd also point out that locally, if you book a party at soft play you get a party host or two provided by the soft play centre. They keep an eye on the kids on the play frame. And there's no way kids can escape as the exits are on staff controlled barriers.

Elsie1966 · 27/09/2018 19:29

I don't think yabu to ask parents to stay. How many children are going to ds party? What if ALL the parents decided to leave dc at party you would be responsible for them all😮😮😮
Anything could happen

nogeybose · 27/09/2018 19:40

Every single time I've had a parent leave a kid at a birthday party I've held, there's been a drama. Kids in tears. Falling over and hurting themselves at soft play. Pissing themselves. It's a pain in the arse. Always the one with no parent there. Keep those parents there even if you have to rugby tackle them to the ground.
It's standard here for most parents to stay at parties until about age 8, and parents never expect to have drinks provided at a party venue like soft play. You buy your own!

cantkeepawayforever · 27/09/2018 19:46

We lived rurally when my DCs were at this age, and it was the norm for party hosts to organise supervision - usually by informally inviting some of the parents they were particularly friendly with to stay. Other parents would arrange lift shares if further transport was required - so i would take 3 kids, another parent who was staying would bring 3 more, etc. Other parents would gang together so 1 parent would bring 3 children and then another one would come to pick them up.

Just looked at the pictures of what must have been DD's 4th birthday party - in soft play. There's an adult: child ratio of around 1:2, with the parents staying being the ones who I knew best and asked to stay. Centre staff helped to serve and clear food, and also welcomed at the door and took names & contact details.

SnowOnTheSeine · 27/09/2018 19:46

The answer is to have smaller parties. Does your kid even play with everyone in the class? Does your kid need 30 odd presents ?

I really enjoy my sons' parties. It's hard work entertaining them but you get to know them and it's lovely. Wouldn't be the same if their parents were there.

We've done 5 parties so far and not had worse than a bumped knee. No toilet accidents. No blood.

woodhill · 27/09/2018 20:02

Yes don't invite the whole class or have people to help. It's nice to have a break from your dcs at times if u have younger ones.

JoeMaplin · 27/09/2018 20:27

I would be very surprised to be asked to stay. Don't forget this is likely to mean lots of siblings staying too.

WhenIWasAYoungWarthog · 27/09/2018 20:41

elsie what ‘anything’ could happen to children in a soft play centre that could happen when parents aren’t present? I could understand them getting upset and wanting mum, or hurting themselves and wanting mum, but ‘anything’ is a bit over dramatic.

Blueink · 27/09/2018 20:49

Dropping off from 4 onwards is ok, depending on the child. If u expect all the parents to stay for the party, YABU not to expect to cater for them as well.

CripsSandwiches · 27/09/2018 20:50

I only went to one party above reception where parents were specifically asked to stay and that was because it was an activity which required adult help for each child. Some parents did stay if they were friends with host mum or if their child might have an issue (e.g. one child with a disability or kids that don't like being left in new places etc.). In fact a few times parents were specifically asked not to stay as there wouldn't be space.

CripsSandwiches · 27/09/2018 20:52

Having said that I do know a few parents who definitely left their child too early. There was a church hall party at the beginning of reception where two parents just left their child there without telling anyone they'd left. One child was just really scared the entire time and just sat in the corner on the verge of tears (I went over to speak to him and coaxed him over to have some food but he was miserable the entire time). Another little boy ran round hitting other kids (I think he was just being playful but he was hurting the other kids) when he was told off by someone he ended up running out into the car park and had to be rugby tackled by a random dad and brought back in.

Applepudding2018 · 27/09/2018 21:03

Can I just clarify that this was the parent who left her DC at a previous party? Was there a problem then?

purplebunny2012 · 27/09/2018 21:06

Do you actually know she hadn't asked the host if it was OK? I had to leave my 5YO at a party so I could work, with his dad (who had an appointment during the party) picking him up at the end.
I checked with the birthday child's mum first and she said it was absolutely fine.
Maybe it was a one-off

purplebunny2012 · 27/09/2018 21:11

I personally would be a bit annoyed if I was contacted prior to the party to tell me I'm expected to stay when I was a one-off and I had no intention of leaving him without asking if it was OK.
So I'd really only say something if the parent looked like they were leaving after getting there

parentin · 27/09/2018 21:50

I have hosted several soft play parties. I normally rope in 5 family members to help me put, parents have the choice to stay or come back to collect. As each child arrives if parent is leaving contact number n name to be written on the back of name tag. A few parents stay generally the ones I'm friendly with or if they child requires additional support. No I do not provide beverages of food for parents.
However if I keep parties at home I tend to provide beverages n food for both kids n parents

stayathomer · 27/09/2018 21:53

Have stayed at whatever early years parties that I was obviously welcome at ('see you at 4.30 so!'), but it's always been half/half and those of us that did hovered because we weren't sure whether we should or not! I would assume that someone hosting a kids party had drafted in family or friends to help if they didn't feel they could handle the amount of kids they wouldn't have invited them. And every party they always got one lot of tea (sorry!)

ChoudeBruxelles · 27/09/2018 21:55

Once kids were at school It was the norm to drop and run at parties. Ds is 12 so not that long ago.

BusyMum47 · 27/09/2018 22:04

Ooh, one of my pet peeves! It always bugged the life out of me when parents used to 'dump & run' at parties when my kids were that age. It's downright bloody rude expecting the party hosts, who have loads to do & are complete strangers to your child, to provide free childcare for a few hours!! What if their child is upset, hurt, poorly, etc? Is it fair that the birthday child's parent has to look after them rather than focusing on their own child?! At the very least you need to have their phone number & tell them to be contactable & relatively nearby for the duration.

NottinghamNeil · 27/09/2018 22:04

When our kids go to parties at soft play we hang around as kids there need to be supervised and you can’t expect somebody who may not know your child that well to babysit your kids (if the party had exclusive use of the soft play that might be different, but I’ve never encountered that). We’re there for our kids to have a nice time rather than feeling we’re doing the birthday child or their parents a favour, so I wouldn’t expect them to buy us drinks as a thank you for looking after our own children (have you seen the price of a coffee in those places?).

cantkeepawayforever · 27/09/2018 22:10

BusyMum,

But the party hosts are just that - hosts. They run the party, and look after the guesrts (or organise / pay people to help them do so).

IME, that was always the role of the hosts - to host all the guests, not to focus solely on the birthday child.

Of course if the hosts don't want to, or can't, host everyone, then they invite fewer people, enlist extra help or pay for the type of party which comes with continuous supervision as part of the arrangement.

BackforGood · 27/09/2018 22:28

BusyMum - the parents haven't randomly expected you to host. The party host invited the children..... you know asked them to come to the event they are hosting. An event I would assume they have planned.
You should only invite as many children as you are able to provide supervision for.
IMO it would be rude to turn up and stay somewhere you haven't been invited.

Paddingtonthebear · 27/09/2018 22:38

My DD is in year one and having a party soon. I have assumed that the parents will stay, because everyone did for all the parties she attended in reception except one where the parent said they didn’t have enough room at home for everyone and parents could drop off and collect later.

I know nearly all of the kids/parents coming to the party except 3. Haven’t even seen them yet so will need DD to tell me who they are when they arrive.

Will be providing tea, coffee and biscuits for people who want to stay. I hope some stay because I don’t really want to manage 20 kids on my own ConfusedGrin

cantkeepawayforever · 27/09/2018 22:41

Exactly.

If the reception class parents have decided to meet up in the soft play centre one wet weekday in the holidays for their children to let off steam - nobody is hosting, so everyone supervises their own child.

If the parents of one child have decided to host a birthday party in the soft play centre, then they are the hosts and their responsibility extends to ensuring that they have organised enough supervision.

Alternatively, they could host a party for all the children and their parents, in which case it would probably be assumed that all parents would keep something of an eye out for their own child, but also that they were in some way 'hosted' - at the very least, a hot drink and a chat and somewhere to sit.

Itsnotabingthingisit · 27/09/2018 22:44

KS1 parent here..all parents stay to the parties we have been to.

I'm a bit confused as to who you think is looking after your 5 year old in a massive soft play if you aren't there? The birthday childs parent? All 15-20 kids whilst making sure the party is running smoothly?