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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this mum she has to stay with her child?

352 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 26/09/2018 20:48

Ds is having a party in a soft play centre next week. Last week there was a party and one mum left her child there and came back for him later.

I know this is sometimes a done thing so for context, the kids are around 5/6 yrs old and he only started this term. If he was older or if I knew them better but as it is, I am not comfortable looking after a child I have never even spoke to. I couldn't pick his mum out in a line up!

I want to make it clear that she cannot leave him but don't want to cause offence. Would you send a text to all mums saying that they are expected to stay with kids or hope it was a one off and say something on the day if you have to?

OP posts:
3WildOnes · 27/09/2018 08:08

I never realised that there was such variation across the country, at what age children were left at parties. At my children’s school in SW London, about 3/4 of parents would stay at the begging of of reception. By the end of reception only a few parents still stay.

AnotherPidgey · 27/09/2018 08:09

In my school, parents tend to stay in yR and begin fizzling off during y1 and only groups of friends stay in y2 because they want the social time. The class parties fizzled off in y1 as well. The parents who are less known (usually working FT) are least likely to stay because it is socially awkward with tight knit social groups, and they have less leisure time.

With a sibling, soft play isn't so bad because I can pay for the sibling to do it. There was a party where DH was unavalible with short notice that meant I was left with DS1 (7) too, so took him swimming up the other end of the buiding while the 5 year old was doing a sports party. Accessible in 10 mins if he had some freak accident. If he had a routine slip, he'd dust himself off. He has the social skills to seek help if its needed. At school, he's on a playground with adventure course with a very low ratio of staffing.

If the soft play does not have appropriate safeguarding procedures such as signing children in and out and supervised exit/ entry, why are you holding a party there anyway?

Dropping and running after being known to the class for a couple of weeks wouldn't be my first choice, but there are plenty of reasons why she might have to. Just make sure you get a contact number if you don't already have one. Dropping and running a school child at a party is within the normal range of parenting.

(Invitations to stay for tea and coffee would be a failed code to me, I can't stand the stuff.)

Amanduh · 27/09/2018 08:14

Just remind her.
I’ve never been to a soft play party where grown up refeshments are provided, you usually buy them yourself!

HardofCleaning · 27/09/2018 08:15

I think 5/6 is definitely the age parents begin to think 'well if I have to drive to the other side of town and waste half my Saturday I'm at least going to get some shopping done'. You also tend to know the kids a bit by then so it's easier to help them if they need it.

I tend to stay anyway and am always happy to help the host with any kids whose parents are there.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 27/09/2018 08:17

If all other parents stay stay then why does it cause a problem if one leaves? You will still have a high ratio of adults.

You sound quite controlling op.
People are going to do stuff differently from you sometimes with this parenting business.

And it seems a bit much to expect everyone to stay but not offer them a drink.

Sorry but YABU

Pissedoffdotcom · 27/09/2018 08:47

That's all well & good if she is the only parent who leaves...but what happens if other parents follow suit? Stuffs your ratios right up & you can't exactly stop other parents dumping & running if they've just watched someone else do it...

QuizzlyBear · 27/09/2018 09:22

When we had a soft play party for my sons 4th bday only 3 parents stayed out of 20! I was gobsmacked but then, it was next door to a well known outlet shopping village. 🙄

If you want / expect parents to stay though, you do need to provide teas / coffees. I'd be a bit 🤔 at having to buy my own, I admit.

blueskiesandforests · 27/09/2018 11:40

These threads always bring out an entrenched divide, with half insisting it's neglegent child abuse to drop off and the other half saying it's absolutely the norm to drop off.

I've never organised a party from 4th birthday onwards without expecting to take full responsibility for every child invited, and organising helpers, including in the younger years paying babysitting rates to older teen siblings of invitees in return for helping out (and giving invitees bright coloured t shirts on arrival when relevant). If logistics are a problem I pick invitees up on the way to venue parties or put parents in touch to ar pool. I've never expected parents to stay and none have. For 1st to 3rd birthdays inclusive the invitation is for the family including siblings and parents are catered for, as are siblings.

I think it's incredibly rude and entitled as host to expect another parent not only to ferry their child to and from your party, and buy your child a present, but also to arrange childcare for their other children and give up two or three hours to facilitate your party.

However I feel like that because in my experience it is normal for hosting a children's party to involve minimal impisition on parents of invitees. This is how others around here seem to see it too, as all do the same.

If I want to give my child a birthday party that is my decision, and it's done for my child's benefit, so I make it as easy as possible for their friends to attend, and we usually have 100% attendance.

I do think it's disingenuous to invite more kids than you can handle pretending you're being inclusive - it's not inclusive to make it impossible for the children of single parents or shift workers with more than one child to attend. Just inclusive of only children and children whose parents have the luxury of ample childcare for siblings.

Angelil · 27/09/2018 17:27

This is definitely cultural (and maybe even regional by the sounds of it!).

Here in Holland people would look VERY strangely at parents who stayed.

Mikklehaha · 27/09/2018 17:34

At that age I would expect many parents to drop and run. I would make sure I had adult help arranged anyway and then also utilise the parents that stayed too. I would always buy the adults refreshments though.

Yb23487643 · 27/09/2018 17:36

Mine is 6 & no drop n runs. I’ve seem kids break arms in soft plays. I wouldnt expect another parent, especially one hosting their child’s birthday party to sort out any problems with my child!

blueskiesandforests · 27/09/2018 17:39

What constitutes hosting? Booking the party room and bringing a cake?

To me hosting a children's party is looking after the guests.

Chickychoccyegg · 27/09/2018 17:44

any party my kids have been at , parents all leave, if parents are staying (e.g. it's further away etc) party hosts have always provided at least a hot drink, I'd be fine with parent's leaving at that age personally x

Aragog · 27/09/2018 17:49

the kids are around 5/6 yrs old

So, Year 1?

The was very much the transition year for DD and her friends. In EUFS most parents stayed, in Year 2 no parents stayed (unless good friends of the host and staying with them as specific company). In Year 1 it was a bit mixed, with people starting to drop and run more and more as the year went on.

Aragog · 27/09/2018 17:51

I make sure I have enough adult helpers to take care of them all

Same. As the host, I always ensured that I had organised enough adult helpers to supervise at the party, incase all parents did a drop and run.

ferrier · 27/09/2018 17:53

Parents don't tend to stay at that age where I am unless their dc is particularly shy. I'd always get contact numbers from all the parents though just in case there are any problems.

Gersemi · 27/09/2018 17:56

A whole world of difference to a soft play party where the parents may not be familiar with all the children and are not used to looking after 30 odd kids at once. What if one wandered off? How would they even know?!

What I don't understand about this sort of post is - at what point do you accept that parents will leave their children and you as the party giver's parent will have to take responsibiity? If not at age 5/6, are you still refusing to take responsibiity at 7, 8, 10, 14 ...?

On a personal level, at that age I assumed most or all party guests would be dropped and I made sure there were enough adult helpers around to look after everyone properly, and chose venues with appropriate safeguarding arrangements.

m0therofdragons · 27/09/2018 17:56

Round here people start leaving from reception age (especially the older/more confident ones) as most have siblings which can be a nightmare if they're not included (obviously on mn we all have childcare on tap but in real life that's rarely true ime). I've always paid for tea/coffees and nibbles for adults if I expect them to stay. Dtds are 7 and the parents all seem to stay and chat. It's odd to be honest. Dd1's year group was never like this.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/09/2018 18:00

Mine is 6 & no drop n runs. I’ve seem kids break arms in soft plays. I wouldnt expect another parent, especially one hosting their child’s birthday party to sort out any problems with my child!

That's very rare for a start and secondly surely your child has been on a playdate before where someone else's parent would be in charge of sorting out any problems with your child? If the DC had a major issue (not even broken bones) I think the host would call and expect you to return immediately though.

By Y1 in soft play they all disappear into the play area and only emerge for drinks and when it's cake time. If I thought my child was likely to have any issues (e.g. a shy child, a child who was having a falling out with another child, food issues etc) I would definitely stay though.

mathanxiety · 27/09/2018 18:23

It would be very odd to expect parents of 5-6 year olds to stay where I am, in the US.

People hosting parties get relatives or a few teenagers (paid) to come along to a venue like a soft play and help manage.

Venues have hand stamp procedures, and at really big venues many host parents handed out vividly coloured cheap t-shirts for all their party to wear over their own clothing. Some gave out little wristbands that fit snugly too.

mathanxiety · 27/09/2018 18:26

And people nearly always carpooled too - so you would have the children arriving in big batches and leaving in big batches too. The secret was communication, sharing of contact info, and sharing of info about schlepping arrangements.

Theluckynumberthree · 27/09/2018 18:28

Blimey where we live no one leaves the children until year 2(7 year olds..)

hendricksy · 27/09/2018 18:30

I would just say that she needs to stay as you aren't comfortable with all the children . She can take it or leave it .🤷‍♀️

stellabird · 27/09/2018 18:36

At 5/6 i wouldn't expect to stay. If you want people to stay, you should be providing refreshments for them. You can't have it both ways.

Deadringer · 27/09/2018 18:41

Exactly what I feel, blueskies, but you said it much better than me. At any kind of do you look after your guests, that's what being a host is.