My feed

to access all these features


Friend not making effort

153 replies

Bambi1980 · 26/09/2018 07:58

Hi ladies, not sure I’m overreacting about this but my twins turn one next week so on the Sunday we are just having a little get together at our house. It’s nothing big just a few friends and family.

I have a friend I’ve known for over 30 years who’s probably my closest friend but she’s said she isn’t coming. It’s hurt me because I think her excuse is pretty rubbish and although it’s only a first birthday party it’s important to me and it feels like she can’t be bothered to make the effort.

My friend doesn’t drive so depends on buses. She’s said because it’s a Sunday bus times are rubbish and if she misses one they’ll have to wait for ages for another. It’s two buses there and back. She’s said she’ll give me the twins presents on the Friday. To be honest I’m not bothered about presents I just wanted my friend to be there.

I can understand buses are infrequent but as long as you plan what time you’ll be getting on the bus and make that time then there’s no issue? Plus she knows full well if she missed the bus going home someone would drive her home.

I think the most likely reason is that I’ve said the party is from 11 and she can’t get out of bed in the morning! She hasn’t worked for over a year after leaving a series of jobs and some days doesn’t leave the house. She’s got quite lazy (her own words)

I might be being unreasonable to some but it’s upset me. I haven’t responded to her message yet as I didn’t want to sound off but what do others think?

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 26/09/2018 08:01

She sounds depressed.

Not working, can't leave the house, lacking motivation even to see her oldest and dearest friend and come to happy events.

Have you been to see her, without the kids, and asked, properly asked, if she's ok?

RedPanda2 · 26/09/2018 08:05

Honestly I wouldn't get 2 buses on a Sunday to go to a birthday party the kids won't remember anyway.

Caselgarcia · 26/09/2018 08:07

Could you pick her up? I must admit I wouldn't fancy getting 2 buses to come either.

ChasedByBees · 26/09/2018 08:08

Both the two posters above have excellent points! Even if your friend sounds cheery on a day to day basis, she might still have depression. I hid mine quite well until suddenly I couldn’t.

Also not everyone is as in to children’s birthday parties as the parents.

DocusDiplo · 26/09/2018 08:08

Maybe pay pay for her taxi to get there? Shows you care and want her there?
Happy 1st birthday!

MarthasGinYard · 26/09/2018 08:09

Offer to pick her up

11 on a Sunday bus route for a babies party, I wouldn't either.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 26/09/2018 08:10

Your friend is on mn and has posted about this due to been unable to get a lift, can’t temeber the title of the thread. Yabu to expect someone to take two buses to attend your dc birthday parties. I have friends who have never attend my dc birthday parties because they live too far and I would never expect them to travel that far unless it was a christening.

MsOliphant · 26/09/2018 08:11

How often do you make the trip to her?

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t trek all that way on two buses on a Sunday (and she’s unemployed so maybe worried about cost) for a one year old’s birthday way.

MarthasGinYard · 26/09/2018 08:12

Really snapped Shock

blueyacht · 26/09/2018 08:12

I once went to a first birthday party. The mums were all singing songs while the dads sat there looking dead behind the eyes. It was excruciating. There’s no way I’d be catching two buses on a Sunday morning for that.

I’m guessing your friend doesn’t have children? These kind of celebrations can feel alienating for people without children. Your friend is marking their birthday and has bought presents. Give her a break.

RockYourSocksOff · 26/09/2018 08:14

I think you’re being a bit precious.

Your friend will see you on Friday.

Reading your op I also think she might be depressed.

SLL · 26/09/2018 08:15

I know it must be hard on you if you feel she is being selfish. But I also think your friend is depressed. If until now she has always been a good friend, then I think she is having problems. Having suffered from depression myself, the way you are describing your friend's behaviour is very typical, has left jobs for no apparent reason, struggling to get up, seems way too hard to get a couple of buses, even for a friend... Please, talk to her, in private, she may be in denial and say she is fine, but with some gentle chatting about her current actions, she may understand she might need help. Please don't take this personally, it really isn't about you or your friendship...

Of course, I may be wrong and she's just a lazy lump undeserving of your time. But I wouldn't want to throw 30 years of friendship away over this without trying to find out the real reason.

Darkestnight · 26/09/2018 08:17

I would not attend either. Getting two buses on a Sunday would not be fun.

EvePolastri · 26/09/2018 08:17

Nope, I wouldn't either

And it must be expensive too if she's not working

FabulousTomatoes · 26/09/2018 08:20

Good god, sorry op but my idea of hell would be to have to get up early and go to a children’s birthday party! Especially if it involved two buses. And I have children of my own!

Try to have some empathy for her. She’s jobless, childless and without a car. Maybe just maybe the idea of getting up early and coming to this party is torture for her because maybe she’d do anything to be in your position and these kind of things highlight a life she can’t have. I’m trying to put this nicely. What I mean is: perhaps she doesn’t want to come all that way to have her face rubbed in it.

I think it’s very generous that your jobless friend has bought TWO presents for your children and I hope to god that you show her gratitude for that.

HRTpatch · 26/09/2018 08:21

I certainly wouldn't get 2 buses to a first birthday.

FabulousTomatoes · 26/09/2018 08:21

The world does not revolve around you and your babies, op.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/09/2018 08:22

Sorry op, unless she has kids, I would do the same as her. I don't drive (i am learning), and the buses on a Sunday are rubbish, they might even miss a service too. It would be too much effort to go to something I am just not into. If you really wanted her there, you might pick her up, or help pay for a taxi. If she needs two buses then it might be quite far away and dear for her, if she is not working. A good friend would realise this, and compromise, meet her on another day and she can give presents to the twins.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/09/2018 08:23

Could be a multitude of things.
Simply can't be bothered and She doesn't have to be i suppose. It's a bit of an ugGodly hour 11am on a Sunday morning.
She'd have to be up about 8.If she's not got kids. She's not going to relish a child's party.

lalaloopyhead · 26/09/2018 08:25

I don't think I would get two buses to go to a children's Birthday party either. If you really want her there, then offer to pick her up and drop her home - how far away does she live?

trojanpony · 26/09/2018 08:25

No way on earth would I be getting 4 buses (2x there, 2x back) on a Sunday

She also sounds like she’s having a tough time and may be depressed. Try and be supportive.

LotsToThinkOf · 26/09/2018 08:25

snapped I thought I'd read this before? Please can you find/link the other thread? I can find it!


Don’t want to miss threads like this?


Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

SpottingTheZebras · 26/09/2018 08:25

My immediate thought is that she sounds like she could be depressed or struggling as well.

It’s the parents that are far more fussed about a one year old’s birthday party than anyone else. The fact that she is unemployed, so probably financially struggling, but has bought two gifts should show that she is prioritising your friendship.

If it was that important to you for her to be there, why didn’t you take her into consideration when arranging the party so it was at a time and location convenient to her? That’s what we have to do for some of our relatives.

MsOliphant · 26/09/2018 08:25

I’m a nanny and I love my job but wherever I have to attend a child’s birthday party with my charges (and my god they are an almost weekly occurrence) I always think ‘at least I’m getting paid to be here’ Blush

Because they’re usually mega boring.

LeftRightCentre · 26/09/2018 08:26

I'm not depressed and I wouldn't go. 11am, Sunday, for a toddler birthday party, 2 buses - I'd rather eat cat food. Sounds my idea of hell. She sounds depressed and she's not a morning person. YABU.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.