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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend not making effort

153 replies

Bambi1980 · 26/09/2018 07:58

Hi ladies, not sure I’m overreacting about this but my twins turn one next week so on the Sunday we are just having a little get together at our house. It’s nothing big just a few friends and family.

I have a friend I’ve known for over 30 years who’s probably my closest friend but she’s said she isn’t coming. It’s hurt me because I think her excuse is pretty rubbish and although it’s only a first birthday party it’s important to me and it feels like she can’t be bothered to make the effort.

My friend doesn’t drive so depends on buses. She’s said because it’s a Sunday bus times are rubbish and if she misses one they’ll have to wait for ages for another. It’s two buses there and back. She’s said she’ll give me the twins presents on the Friday. To be honest I’m not bothered about presents I just wanted my friend to be there.

I can understand buses are infrequent but as long as you plan what time you’ll be getting on the bus and make that time then there’s no issue? Plus she knows full well if she missed the bus going home someone would drive her home.

I think the most likely reason is that I’ve said the party is from 11 and she can’t get out of bed in the morning! She hasn’t worked for over a year after leaving a series of jobs and some days doesn’t leave the house. She’s got quite lazy (her own words)

I might be being unreasonable to some but it’s upset me. I haven’t responded to her message yet as I didn’t want to sound off but what do others think?

OP posts:
Windmillsinsummer · 26/09/2018 09:35

I couldn't imagine anything worse than going to someone's house for a first birthday party on a Sunday morning. Your babies are not the centre of anyone else's universe but your own. Yabu

KitandPup · 26/09/2018 09:38

Some harsh replies here but I do think YABU sorry

strawberrisc · 26/09/2018 09:38

I am in my 40s and I don't drive. There's no way on God's green earth I'd get two (always unreliable) buses on a Sunday THERE AND BACK for a 1 year old party.

Grow up.

Mummyinlove1987 · 26/09/2018 09:40

@Oliphant not at all...i always went to friends' children's birthday parties even before having DD...yes they weren't always too fun for me, which was fine as it wasn't meant to be a party aimed at adults, but i was grateful for the invite and my friends wanting me to be involved

viques · 26/09/2018 09:41

Why is it so important that your friend is there? You won't have a chance to chat, she won't get a look in with the babies if relatives are there, she will just be another body in the rentacrowd photos. Her idea of you meeting up on the Friday before is much more sensible.

Unless you were laying on a slap up Sunday lunch with your world famous prize winning roasties I wouldn't go either, not for a cold buffet and a bit of birthday cake.

JacquesHammer · 26/09/2018 09:42

My thoughts are if you can make the effort on Friday then why not the Sunday

Because buses are invariably more regular on a Friday.

YANBU to be disappointed
YABU to be angry with her over it

The world doesn’t revolve around your babies. Accept, move on, have a lovely party.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 26/09/2018 09:44

Glad someone linked the thread, the details may have been altered however many posters do this to avoid being identified, I don’t think it’s a conscience that similar post have been posted days apart from the POV either way op you are being unrealistic in you’re expections.

Hideandgo · 26/09/2018 09:44

She’s your friend, not your babies friend. If she was keen to come that’s nice but I know you see your babes as an extension of yourself but they are actually individuals and certainly seem like individuals to the outside world. A 1yr olds birthday party is no place for the average adult with no kids or family ties to them. Try not to be insulted. As long as she makes an effort for your birthday, as your friend that’s her job.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 26/09/2018 09:44

I'd struggle to catch two buses on a Sunday for an 11am party for my OWN children let alone someone else's.

Give her a break, enjoy the party, catch up with her another day when you can spend some quality time with her and find out if she's ok.

It's not personal, I'm sure.

bridgetreilly · 26/09/2018 09:45

Hi ladies, not sure I’m overreacting about this
You are.

It’s nothing big just a few friends and family.
So, quite casual then?

I have a friend I’ve known for over 30 years who’s probably my closest friend but she’s said she isn’t coming. It’s hurt me because I think her excuse is pretty rubbish
Her 'excuse' is up to her. You don't get to decide what's an appropriate level of inconvenience for her to go to.

and although it’s only a first birthday party it’s important to me and it feels like she can’t be bothered to make the effort.
Of course it's important to you. It's not going to be quite as important to her.

My friend doesn’t drive so depends on buses. She’s said because it’s a Sunday bus times are rubbish and if she misses one they’ll have to wait for ages for another. It’s two buses there and back.
When was the last time you tried to get somewhere on a Sunday via public transport? It's a nightmare.

She’s said she’ll give me the twins presents on the Friday. To be honest I’m not bothered about presents I just wanted my friend to be there.
She's buying presents because you and your children actually are important to her. Listen to what she's saying. She may not be able to demonstrate her friendship in the precise way you want, but she is still showing that she does care.

I can understand buses are infrequent but as long as you plan what time you’ll be getting on the bus and make that time then there’s no issue?
Yeah, that's how they work. Never running late/cancelled/missing connections/standing round in the rain for an hour waiting for the next one. No issue at all.

Plus she knows full well if she missed the bus going home someone would drive her home.
Does she? Have you told her? Or even offered to take her home whether she misses the bus or not?

I think the most likely reason is that I’ve said the party is from 11 and she can’t get out of bed in the morning! She hasn’t worked for over a year after leaving a series of jobs and some days doesn’t leave the house. She’s got quite lazy (her own words)
Lazy or depressed? Leaving the house can be incredibly hard work sometimes.

I might be being unreasonable to some
You are.

but it’s upset me.
Okay. It's fine to be disappointed. I think you are unreasonable to be upset. She isn't blowing off your friendship.

I haven’t responded to her message yet as I didn’t want to sound off but what do others think?
I think this thread has made that quite clear. YABU.

livefornaps · 26/09/2018 09:52

Haha this was a very amusing read.

God I hate kids' birthday parties.

JellyBaby666 · 26/09/2018 09:52

This thread is appalling. Heaven forbid someone want to see their friends and have a nice time and celebrate... you must all have miserable lives and never do anything with your young children because they're so small they won't remember.

OP YANBU for feeling sad your friend won't be there. I do think YABU to not perhaps consider any potential mental health, or the financial/time implications for your friend. Can someone nip and pick her up once she's off the first bus perhaps?

Flexoset · 26/09/2018 09:53

OP: AIBU?

Mumsnet: Yes.

OP: What?!? How very dare you!

imamouseduh · 26/09/2018 09:54

I wouldn't take two buses to go to a first birthday party, either. sorry OP. It's really not of much interest to anyone but the parents.

Snowymountainsalways · 26/09/2018 09:55

I feel for your friend, no doubt she feels conflicted. There is no way I would get on two buses (in total four buses assuming they all turn up) for a children's party at 11am on a Sunday.

You are new to motherhood I assume, generally the rule about Sunday parties would be afternoon only. Most people do not want to be at any party first thing on a Sunday. You have obviously arranged it around your family's needs but it is polite to also consider the needs and wishes of your invited guests.

Accept the Friday date with good grace and be thankful she has gone to the trouble to get presents for your children, and don't allow it come between you

Auldspinster · 26/09/2018 09:55

YABVU. She's offered to come on the Friday, your babies are too young to know what's going on and getting buses on Sunday is a tremendous palaver.

I'm speaking as someone who lives in Edinburgh which has one of the best bus services in the country - even here you can wait for ages between a bus on a Sunday so if she's to be there for 11.00 it's a big ask.

JacquesHammer · 26/09/2018 09:58

you must all have miserable lives and never do anything with your young children because they're so small they won't remember

I did lots with my young child. Didn’t expect others to want to do it with us...

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/09/2018 10:06

You’re being totally unreasonable, OP. Kids’ birthdays parties aren’t terribly interesting for anyone but the parents and children, and getting two buses on a Sunday for that is not something I’d feel like doing either. She’s unemployed and bought your children birthday pressies, so it’s clear she cares. How about a bit of respect for her wishes? You sound like one of those parents.

DasPepe · 26/09/2018 10:12

I think people are being unkind OP.

The party isn’t really for the kids but for you and your partner. Twins especially are hard work so it’s nice to take a day to celebrate achieveing a milestone and commemorating the occasion. No it’s not really about gifts but being together on that day.

I’m sorry your friend is being like this.
When I didn’t have a car I would take the public transport that gets me where I need to be. Carrying cakes/presents whatever.

In fact today I did take the birthday breakfast to nursery (after school drop off) by tram because my DH has the car

lovechocolates · 26/09/2018 10:16

I read what the post from the supposedly other lady. She reminds me a lot of myself. If that is the lady, she sounds stressed, anxious, over thinking everything... Same as me. (I'm terribly anxious, especially socially)I believe she wanted to come, but just couldn't face it, with public transport etc. I'd just let it go, especially as an effort is being made to meet Fri. You can have a nice time then.

RedPanda2 · 26/09/2018 10:35

@bridgetreilly really accurate, considred response

ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/09/2018 10:37

To be totally honest, I wouldn't drive to a toddlers birthday party on a Sunday morning never mind catch 2 busses.

CoughLaughFart · 26/09/2018 10:49

This thread is appalling. Heaven forbid someone want to see their friends and have a nice time and celebrate... you must all have miserable lives and never do anything with your young children because they're so small they won't remember.

‘Appalling’? That seems more than a little OTT. No one is criticising the OP for having a party or for wanting her friends there. But friendship is a two-way street. The OP’s friend has been honest about why she isn’t coming to the party (she could have just lied and said she had plans) and is making time to see the OP on an alternative day. She’s also bought gifts for the children despite having no income. Why can’t the OP have a nice time with her friend on Friday and celebrate at the party with the other guests as planned on Sunday?

CousinKrispy · 26/09/2018 10:54

Are you used to travelling by bus yourself, OP? As in, not driving at all but totally reliant on buses to get around? Sunday service is very, very inconvenient so I do think it's unreasonable to be surprised that a friend doesn't want to effectively spend most of the day travelling to your event, possibly getting rained on while waiting for unreliable buses.

You chose a Sunday for your event and I'm afraid this is the consequence.

Have you tried offering to book and pay for a cab for her for both journeys?

mostdays · 26/09/2018 11:02

I do think yabu, op. Your dc won't even know they're having a birthday party! Your friend obviously cares about the dc, she wants to give them presents another day. People don't have to do exactly what you want to be caring.

I can understand buses are infrequent but as long as you plan what time you’ll be getting on the bus and make that time then there’s no issue?
Spoken like someone who does not rely on public transport. I get two buses to work and two buses home every day. If you wanted me to spend my Sunday doing that, with the reduced and frankly unreliable service that Sundays often bring, I would be seriously unimpressed.

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