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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend not making effort

153 replies

Bambi1980 · 26/09/2018 07:58

Hi ladies, not sure I’m overreacting about this but my twins turn one next week so on the Sunday we are just having a little get together at our house. It’s nothing big just a few friends and family.

I have a friend I’ve known for over 30 years who’s probably my closest friend but she’s said she isn’t coming. It’s hurt me because I think her excuse is pretty rubbish and although it’s only a first birthday party it’s important to me and it feels like she can’t be bothered to make the effort.

My friend doesn’t drive so depends on buses. She’s said because it’s a Sunday bus times are rubbish and if she misses one they’ll have to wait for ages for another. It’s two buses there and back. She’s said she’ll give me the twins presents on the Friday. To be honest I’m not bothered about presents I just wanted my friend to be there.

I can understand buses are infrequent but as long as you plan what time you’ll be getting on the bus and make that time then there’s no issue? Plus she knows full well if she missed the bus going home someone would drive her home.

I think the most likely reason is that I’ve said the party is from 11 and she can’t get out of bed in the morning! She hasn’t worked for over a year after leaving a series of jobs and some days doesn’t leave the house. She’s got quite lazy (her own words)

I might be being unreasonable to some but it’s upset me. I haven’t responded to her message yet as I didn’t want to sound off but what do others think?

OP posts:
LotsToThinkOf · 26/09/2018 08:26

And OP you are BU. Offer her a lift there and back, not just if she misses the bus, she sounds like she has her own reasons for not wanting to attend and I don't think you should be holding this against her.

Poloshot · 26/09/2018 08:26

Your twins first birthday is a big deal to you. To most other people it won't be. She might just not want to come and the excuse is lame because it's the best she can think of.

legolimb · 26/09/2018 08:27

I don't think I would go either in her situation.

She has already said she will see you just prior to the birthday party and give you the gifts.

MrsXx4 · 26/09/2018 08:29

Nope, sorry I wouldn't be going either. She said she would see you Friday. If you want her to attend you should be picking her up.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/09/2018 08:29

Why are you being so needy and spoilt? Your friend's life does not revolve around your babies. She has bought gifts for them, which she will give you in advance of the birthday party. Why the fuck should she give up her whole Sunday to attend a toddler party, when the children will barely notice she's there and you will have your family around to tell you what a wonderful caring mum you are.

Original poster
Bambi1980 · 26/09/2018 08:29

To be clear she isn’t childless she has a 17 year old daughter living with her. My thoughts are if you can make the effort on Friday then why not the Sunday. And I’ve already said I’m not bothered about presents I just wanted her at the party.

Re the mental health, she has had anxiety in the past but goes out to her brothers regularly in the week.

I would offer to pick up and have always ran her and her daughter here there and everywhere but I’ve got too much to do on the morning but we would have offered a lift home

OP posts:
colditz · 26/09/2018 08:30

You're being a brat, stop it. She lives with a 17 year old girl already, she doesn't need one in her friendship group.

EssentialHummus · 26/09/2018 08:31

I think the right response is “Ah, that’s a shame, but buses on the Sunday are terrible! Let’s catch up another time without the children? Shall I head your way?”

I have a one year old and a car, and even I shiver a bit when the party invites roll in.

MsOliphant · 26/09/2018 08:31

Oh YAWN OP.

OP: Am I being unreasonable?

Posters: Yes

OP: No I’m not bla bla bla

Catch yourself on OP. You sound very self absorbed.

longwayoff · 26/09/2018 08:31

Friends for 30 years and you cant deal with this? You obviously have no idea about Sunday public transport. Get a taxi for her if its so important, the first birthday of someone else's child is of little interest to anyone other than immediate family.

Furrydogmum · 26/09/2018 08:31

The other thread is a couple and child reliant on a lift that has fallen through..

MaryShelley1818 · 26/09/2018 08:32

I’m with your friend! No way would I get up early on a Sunday and get 2 buses for a 1yr old Birthday party. That’s nuts to expect her to do that.

My pfb DS is 1 in December. We’re having family round (because they’ll really expect to come) and the next day hiring a Baby Sensory Room for a few of his little baby friends. My friends (without babies/young kids) will be spared all of this which I’m sure they’ll be grateful of! Lol. They’re always welcome to call in any time if they want to see DS but equally I won’t be offended if they have better things to do with their weekends :)

Original poster
Bambi1980 · 26/09/2018 08:32

Why do you have to be so rude. You can get your point across without getting personal and swearing! Needy and spoilt whatever!

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 26/09/2018 08:32

Yep snapped is right, I am pretty certain the friend has posted this before

MarthasGinYard · 26/09/2018 08:33

I wouldn't push it Op.

They don't want to come. Friday is easier to get around on busses etc so that is perhaps why she suggested it.

Without meaning to be rude I wouldn't really fancy a 1 year olds party on Sunday morning either. Especially with a two bus journey.

Padparadscha · 26/09/2018 08:34

Your friend is on mn and has posted about this due to been unable to get a lift, can’t temeber the title of the thread.

Hmm. Always a tad suspicious when two threads of the same story turn up on here.

Anyway, as a non-driver it would take a very good reason for me to get up early on a Sunday to catch two buses. I live in a city suburb and I’d find it difficult, when I lived in the country it would have basically been out of the question. Sorry, but I don’t think your child’s first birthday requires that much of an effort. Then again I don’t understand making a huge fuss of first birthdays (outside of the family) anyway.

MarthasGinYard · 26/09/2018 08:34

'Yep snapped is right, I am pretty certain the friend has posted this before'

Have you seen that Op?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/09/2018 08:35

Big difference between going to your brothers than going to a party full of crowds of people some of whom you may not know or particularly even like, when you have a condition like anxiety

Sparklyfee · 26/09/2018 08:36

Parties are for the kids, no sane adult actually wants to be there. She wants to see you Friday when she can spend quality time with you and not Sunday when she'll feel like a leper around you and your "happy clappy sing song" mum friends. Your children are not the first children ever to be born, it's not a big deal. YABU

fuzzywuzzy · 26/09/2018 08:36

I’ve done this for a very close friend. It was a Sunday and I took two buses to get to the party venue and then two buses back in the evening.

It was horrible as the bus service was restricted anyway being a Sunday. And I returned home exhausted. And this was in London where the bus service is pretty good.

I can see perfectly why your friend does not wish to give up he’d Sunday by racing across town for a kids party that they won’t remember.

Even if she doesn’t work your friend may be busy during the week doing things and weekends may be hers to catch up on sleep/housework/errands etc.

It’s not reprehensible to want a lie in on a Sunday regardless of whether one has a job or not.

I wouldn’t fall out over it, if you value her friendship otherwise.

colditz · 26/09/2018 08:37

Bambi1980

You are (presumably a 38 year old woman

And so am I. I have teenaged children too, like your friend.

And I can catagorically state that if my friend/cousin/sister had twins, and demanded I spend a precious Sunday and my precious money travelling on 2 Sunday bus services to see two babies who don't even know what day it is, I had think they had gone insane.

it is not a reasonable thing to ask someone to do. YOu are not being reasonable to your friend. You are being too demanding.

And fair warning Bambi1980, friends who get shrieky and demanding get ditched. And you don't want to be ditched by a friend who has no job and has nevertheless bought your two babies a present, because that is a good friend.

She's being a good friend. SHe's not your wife.

SLL · 26/09/2018 08:37

If she suffers from anxiety then that might be one of the reasons. The fact she goes to her brothers is irrelevant, she is probably comfortable with that arrangement so won't cause anxiety. Also you said you "would" offer a lift home, have you actually said that or were you planning on offering on the day? She might be thinking "Oh no, four buses in a day, that's just too overwhelming", but if she knows she only has to get to you, it might change things. I think you need to be talking to her properly.

scarbados · 26/09/2018 08:39

Sorry OP, but I'm firmly with your friend.

Your babies will never remember their first birthday and will have no idea on the day what's going on, let alone care in the future who was or wasn't there. First birthday parties are for the adults, not the babies.

And 2 buses on a Sunday isn't always as easy as you seem to think - the first bus being delayed for a couple of minutes could mean missing the second one and having a long wait. Not worth it for the absolute tedium baby parties. Wait until the twins are older and can appreciate their parties.

Sparklyfee · 26/09/2018 08:39

I wouldn't offer the lift home. It puts her in an even more awkward position. She doesn't want to come on Sunday OP despite wanting to be a good friend to you.

Show her the same courtesy and be accepting and understanding of her decision. And see her on Friday instead when it's not a mad rush

Original poster
Bambi1980 · 26/09/2018 08:40

No she deffo hasn’t posted on here I can assure you.
No I’m not self absorbed at all and it isn’t a large party there’s about 10 people coming at my house.
Bloody hell you come on here for advice and get people slagging you off and criticising you like you’re all a bunch of perfect people.

OP posts: