Friend not making effort

[Bambi1980]

Hi ladies, not sure I’m overreacting about this but my twins turn one next week so on the Sunday we are just having a little get together at our house. It’s nothing big just a few friends and family.

I have a friend I’ve known for over 30 years who’s probably my closest friend but she’s said she isn’t coming. It’s hurt me because I think her excuse is pretty rubbish and although it’s only a first birthday party it’s important to me and it feels like she can’t be bothered to make the effort.

My friend doesn’t drive so depends on buses. She’s said because it’s a Sunday bus times are rubbish and if she misses one they’ll have to wait for ages for another. It’s two buses there and back. She’s said she’ll give me the twins presents on the Friday. To be honest I’m not bothered about presents I just wanted my friend to be there.

I can understand buses are infrequent but as long as you plan what time you’ll be getting on the bus and make that time then there’s no issue? Plus she knows full well if she missed the bus going home someone would drive her home.

I think the most likely reason is that I’ve said the party is from 11 and she can’t get out of bed in the morning! She hasn’t worked for over a year after leaving a series of jobs and some days doesn’t leave the house. She’s got quite lazy (her own words)

I might be being unreasonable to some but it’s upset me. I haven’t responded to her message yet as I didn’t want to sound off but what do others think?

YABU. Where I live, the bus service is once an hour and even then, it isn't unusual for the bus not to turn up. She could be looking at a 2 hour journey each way. No chance would I be doing that for a catch up with friends for a couple of hours let alone a kid's birthday party.

Offer to pay for her to get a taxi each way if you want her to be there and not inconvenience her.

YABU! 2 buses each way on Sunday services- no thank you!

Remember it’s an invitation, people are allowed to decline! She’s still your friend and is making an effort to visit on a weekday with presents. She’ll also be able to spend time with you and the babies rather than at the party you’ll have family and other friends to catch up with.

Another thing to ask yourself, OP, is when was the last time you made an effort and put yourself out for her benefit? You seem to think she's got nothing better to do than indulge and praise you, and for her to give you a) a perfectly reasonable excuse for not attending the party and b) offer to meet you and give your babies presents she has got for them, despite being on a low income, is somehow failing in her duty of pandering to your every whim.

If your friend works full time Sunday is a day of rest. I work full time & if a friend asked me to attend kids party on a Sunday ( and catch 2 buses ) I would make up some excuse not to go as I need the weekend to rest & catch up on housework ready for the week ahead. Sorry, not the answer you was hoping for but too much hassle.

I would only go out of my way for this on a Sunday ( taking into consideration re travel on public transport ) if it was immediate family. Your friend probably isn't aware you would have offered her a lift back. Being around kiddies can be stressful & it's not a way I would like to spend my weekend as I work full time.

Lots of good feedback here already and I agree your friend may be depressed. Regardless, I wouldn't catch 2 buses either but I think it comes down to this: you would like your friend to be there, you go and pick her up. If you can't go in the morning of the party, collect her on Saturday evening and she stays over. But all in all as you're seeing her on Friday I would be glad about that and leave it there. I'd WhatsApp pics on the day so that way she can share in the fun.

She'doesn't probably have to leave home at 8am and spend ages hanging around waiting for her second bus!

YABU and a lousy friend!

Good grief OP, you sound entitled and self-centred. There is little real warmth or even an indication of you having much concern and affection for your friend. She serves as some backdrop filler for your centre stage life. I am appalled by your dismissive and unkind attitude to your friend. I have DC but I would literally rather nail my nibs to the coffee table than schlepp to a birthday party of one-year olds. Luckily, some nurturing genes kicked in to love my own offspring but there is no way in hell that I would trek on an odyssey relying on not just one but two sketchy Sunday buses, each way to turn up for your circus of self-indulgence. She has bought presents and is happy to see you personally at a much more sensible time without having to deal with loads of people but you completely dismiss her lovely and generous gesture. You are being a very shitty friend, not her!

It seems you expect your friend to make ALL the effort, with the tiny concession that "someone" would probably run her home IF she missed her return bus.

Why don't you offer to collect her and take her home? Yes, you'd have to get all the party prep done the day before and/or get up early on the day, but the prep has to be done some time, so why NOT the day before? It would be far less effort for you to drive her both ways than for her to wait around for four separate bus journeys, so if you want her there so badly, think about what you're asking of her versus how far you're prepared to put yourself out (i.e. not very).

Children's and babies' birthday parties are amongst some of the most excruciating social occasions I've had to attend, only ever made palatable by copious booze. I'm not excluding my own child's birthday parties from this, by a long chalk! There's absolutely no way I'd contemplate taking two buses on a Sunday to get to a baby's birthday party at 11.00am if I didn't have a child who might enjoy it with me. Bah, humbug!

I'm not sure ehy anyone's commenting on whether the kids will remember or not - of course they won't! The birthday party is important for OP not the kids. She's got through the first year and wants to celebrate.

That said I would give your friend the benefit of the doubt. If you think she might be depressed or the party might be difficult for her then let it go. Otherwise perhaps let her know that it's important to you and maybe offer her a lift both ways.

YABU. It's a birthday party for one year olds - naturally a big milestone for you, but not really for your friends.

If she lived a short drive away I would think that perhaps she could make the effort for an hour or two. But expecting her to get two busses to a toddlers' party, on a Sunday morning, is a big ask. She's meeting you on Friday and giving you presents. It's not like she's just ignoring the whole occasion.

I consider myself to be a pretty good friend and would do just about anything for mine but wild horses wouldn't drag me to a first birthday party.

Are you sure you're her friend? Real friends don't demand things, however important.
You sound like a Queen bee, who wants her underlings to attend the birthday of her 'very' precious first borns.
Give it a rest, she'll come when she wants.
Anyway, first birthday parties are family only, aren't they?

Op. Are you Mrs Bucket reborn?

YABU. If I was asked to cross the road to attend my friend’s twins’ first brithday party I’d be trying to think of an excuse. They won’t remember it. Your friend has offered a perfectly good alternative arrangement. She sounds depressed, and you sound like you don’t care. Please don’t be off with her, try to be a bit more empathic.

you must all have miserable lives and never do anything with your young children because they're so small they won't remember.

Well done on reaching that bizarre conclusion.

Look, the only thing that makes children's birthday parties enjoyable nay, bearable is 🥂 and if the party's at 11, that's not happening.

If she has to catch two buses and it starts at 11, what time does that actually mean getting up, on a Saturday....?

Cant she come on the Saturday and stay overnight - then can help in the morning getting stuff ready, with the offer of a lift home as thanks

OP wont be back, she's realised that she's being unreasonable and doesn't have the grace to admit it.

Hi all,

I'm the one who posted the other day about the party as my dad's offer of a lift fell through. I can promise u the person posting this isn't the friend I was on about. For one she doesn't have twins, two i don't have a 17 year old living with me and three she messaged me back earlier today saying not to worry but shed have to let me knowing about meeting up next week as she wasn't sure what she was doing.
Similar posts but not the same people. I havent updated the last thread as I've been out all day. Apologies for the confusion

@ifailed, it’s an anon forum on the internet. She owes us nothing.

I’d also refuse, but I would have been more diplomatic. One year old’s birthday parties are stultifyingly boring.

Sorry to say it, but I wouldn't deal with a long journey on a Sunday morning for a first birthday party which the kids won't even remember. She's bought them a present which is more than enough effort to for the (one year old) children of a friend! I didn't even bother having a first birthday party for mine as it just seems pointless as they're so young, so I understand why your friend might not think it's a big deal - in my experience this is quite a common opinion towards birthdays for vv young kids. Also, kids parties aren't much fun for childless people. So on many levels I think she's fine not to go.

I'd only get 2 Sunday service buses each way to a toddler party if Tom Hardy was going to be there.

So many narcissistic OPs on MN these days.

Seriously op i dont think anyone would do 2 buses on a sunday for a first birthday. Also buses are expensive. Shes offered to see you friday. Yabu. Sounds like shes a better friend than you. Offer to pick her up if its that important to you. She doesnt have to go, its not a court summons. First birthdays are boring and just for the parents.