Friend not making effort

[Bambi1980]

Hi ladies, not sure I’m overreacting about this but my twins turn one next week so on the Sunday we are just having a little get together at our house. It’s nothing big just a few friends and family.

I have a friend I’ve known for over 30 years who’s probably my closest friend but she’s said she isn’t coming. It’s hurt me because I think her excuse is pretty rubbish and although it’s only a first birthday party it’s important to me and it feels like she can’t be bothered to make the effort.

My friend doesn’t drive so depends on buses. She’s said because it’s a Sunday bus times are rubbish and if she misses one they’ll have to wait for ages for another. It’s two buses there and back. She’s said she’ll give me the twins presents on the Friday. To be honest I’m not bothered about presents I just wanted my friend to be there.

I can understand buses are infrequent but as long as you plan what time you’ll be getting on the bus and make that time then there’s no issue? Plus she knows full well if she missed the bus going home someone would drive her home.

I think the most likely reason is that I’ve said the party is from 11 and she can’t get out of bed in the morning! She hasn’t worked for over a year after leaving a series of jobs and some days doesn’t leave the house. She’s got quite lazy (her own words)

I might be being unreasonable to some but it’s upset me. I haven’t responded to her message yet as I didn’t want to sound off but what do others think?

[diddl]

You've issued an invitation that has been declined.

The persons on whose behalf the invitation was issued won't care.

It's not worth getting so wound up about.

[ApolloandDaphne]

This friend has thought about your twins, bought then a gift and wants to meet you on Friday to give you the gifts. She sounds like a lovely friend. Look at the positives. She wants to see you and still values your friendship. This way she gets some one to one time with you.

She just doesn't want to risk a dodgy Sunday bus service then have to sit around with (i assume) a bunch of other parents and 1 years olds that she has nothing in common with. That will be no fun for her at all.

Just accept this and maintain your friendship.

[IHATEPeppaPig]

Yeah, I wouldn't get 2 buses on a Sunday and also the cost of bus travel is extortionate in my opinion.

She's bought them a present and she is seeing you Friday- it's not like she isn't making an effort for your kids.

[pasturesgreen]

YABU.

I wouldn't relish travelling on two buses there and back to a 1st birthday party, no matter how close the friend (let's be honest here, depending on bus timetables and the party starting at 11am, that might mean giving up the best part of her Sunday).

So what if she wants to sleep in until 11? I have no children of my own, and would rather gauge my eyeballs out with a teaspoon than attend a children's who won't either care or remember birthday party.

The woman has been unemployed for a year and she's still got presents for your DC...that's a pretty big testament of friendship imo. Try cutting her some slack.

[Mummyinlove1987]

I agree that children's birthday parties can be difficult if you go without children as you do tend to sit there feeling like abit of a lemon.
That said, its a small fraction of time and I do think as you've invited her and she is clearly a very close friend, it would be good for her to make the effort to attend.
I find some of the attitudes in the previous posts very selfish tbh, and think it's sad that people see such a special milestone in a child's life as so unimportant.
What happened to making an effort to do something for someone else?!
So she has to be up early on a sunday or get a couple of buses... it's do-able! You've even offered a lift home.
If you and your children mean that much to her she should be grateful for the invite and come along,if only for you.
Be honest with her and say you would really like her there as it would mean a lot to you...hopefully she will respect that.

[fromdespairto]

YANBU to be disappointed your friend isn't coming. YABU to make a big deal out of it thou.

Like PP there's little chance I would be getting up early on a Sunday to trek on two buses, for a first birthday party.

[PurpleDaisies]

I was going to ask if this was a reverse but you’ve made it clear with your later posts that it isn’t.

You’re being selfish and unreasonable to expect your friend to get two buses for a children’s birthday party.

[Biologifemini]

Kids birthday party’s are a bit like weddings. No one is much interested in someone else’s event. I think you are being unreasonable to expect her to get x2 buses to go to a non-event for her.
Obviously it is important for your kids and you but you cannot expect others to feel the same.

[MsOliphant]

Mummyinlove..... I think parenthood has unfortunately rendered you almost as self-absorbed as the OP.

Other people have stuff going on in their lives that doesn’t involve pandering to the parents of young children. For a ‘milestone’ they know nothing about.

It does not make them bad friends.

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

Birthday parties for small children are not at all interesting, or even relevant, to adults except the parents, and possibly grandparents of the birthday child. I think you are being unreasonable to expect her to attend, especially if the journey is going to take her hours each way. Your twins won't notice or care who does and doesn't attend. Why would you, as a friend, try to emotionally blackmail someone into such a tedious waste of time (journey specific, but parties are fairly tedious too IMO). It's perfectly possible to have close friendships without needless sacrifices of time and effort, where all the friends are happy for the others to stay in their comfort zone.

[UrsulaPandress]

11am? Sheesh that's early. Why have you chosen to have the party at that time?

[LoniceraJaponica]

In the grand scheme of things 11 am isn't early at all. It is a time that will probably fit in well with a one year old' sleep patterns. It is only early for the OP's friend because she would have to catch 2 buses.

[CoughLaughFart]

Don’t underestimate the impact that unemployment could be having. It can make socialising quite depressing - people you know begin every conversation with ‘So how’s the job hunting going?’ and people you don’t use ‘So what do you do?’ as their opening gambit. As someone who was in that position a year ago, I can tell you it got pretty draining having to paint on a smile and say ‘No, no luck yet, but I’ve had some really positive feedback in interviews’.

Of course, it could be purely a case of not wanting to get up early and take two buses to go to a kids’ party. If her daughter is 17 she may feel like she’s done her timing talking nappies and singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ a long time back. Perhaps seeing you on Friday when the transport isn’t such an issue is her way of showing she cares, even though the party would be difficult?

[FullMetalRabbit]

I don't the other thread is the friend, but OP you'd do well to read it as it may give you an insight into someone else's life/worries

[MsOliphant]

If OP’s friend says it’s early for her, then it is. Becoming a parent doesn’t mean you get to dictate what time means to other people

[LeftRightCentre]

11am? Sheesh that's early. Why have you chosen to have the party at that time?

Because some people, when they have little kids, forget that a lot of other people who don't have kids or whose kids are older don't get up at stupid o'clock on weekend mornings anymore. I had years of that and I'm not a morning person so now mine are older, if I couldn't roll out of my pit at 10.30, take a 2-minute shower and jump in my car to get there, I wouldn't go. I'd need to stop in Costa along the way for an Americano with triple shot of espresso but would probably just do what this friend is doing, hand over a pressie earlier and stay in my pit.

[FetchezLaVache]

@Mummyinlove - the OP has not offered to drive her friend home after the party. In her first post, she says she knows full well if she missed the bus going home someone would drive her home.

In a later update she says we would have offered a lift home (note the use of the conditional).

So no, she hasn't even taken some of the pressure off her anxious friend by reassuring her that at least the return journey is covered.

[adaline]

I wouldn't get two buses on a Sunday (or any day, really) just to go to a baby's birthday party. She'll see you two days before. Your twins have zero concept of birthdays or what's happening, so what difference does it make?!

[UrsulaPandress]

the whole point of kids' parties is the sarnies and cake. Better served in an afternoon than for elevenses.

[FiveStoryFire]

YABU

As every single person on this thread has pointed out.

[Rudgie47]

Its important to you because they are your children but no one outside very immediate family is remotely interested in childrens parties.
Accept with grace what she has said and see her on the Friday instead.

[Mummyof0ne]

I wouldn't get two busses to go to a children's party.
ESP when you don't have kids yourself

She sounds depressed
Why don't you offer to pick her up if it's that important she be there?

[slkk]

I don’t drive either due to a medical condition. And I live in London so buses are pretty regular. Often bus journeys seem simple on paper but can take hours. My son has 2 therapy appointments on one day and I spent 6 hours on buses. In the ho,idays I was offered 4 hours respite x it seemed simple, one bus journey to get there. It was 4 hours travelling for me (an hour each way). I think two buses outside London on a Sunday morning is quite a big ask. If I were her and could afford it, I’d come by taxi. However, if she’s not working, money may be a bit tight. Try not to see it as a rejection of you or your babies.

[Flyingpigs247]

I agree that it does seem that this is an anxiety issue for your friend.
I suffer from agoraphobia and panic attacks myself and I know how hard it is (it's difficult for those who have never experienced it to understand).
It sounds like your friend tries to stretch herself beyond her boundaries just like I do (I refuse to let it beat me) but there are certain social situations (that others may not think twice about) that we would find unbearable.
I think if you really insist that she's there, then you need to offer to fetch her yourself (I know it's a busy morning but could you make the time?) as public transport is one of my biggest triggers!
I'm sure your friend is not deliberately avoiding the party as it sounds like there is more to it.

[Yabbers]

I couldn’t be bothered either. Two buses on a Sunday with the risk of missing one and having to wait around? All to watch a couple of kids wonder what the hell is goin on, probably be overwhelmed, definitely end up over tired.

People are allowed not to take up invites. Clue is in the name. Only a bad friend would get so bent out of shape about it.

You also don’t have to be depressed to still be in bed at 11. Some people are night owls. If I’m off work for a long time, I tend to stay up late and get up late. If you don’t have a job, there’s no need to stick to conventional “work” hours. My mum is retired and does the same. She’s not depressed.