DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

I never asked to be at my granddaughter's birth and actually I did not want to be there because I believe the only people who should be at a birth are the parents and medical staff. The point is I wasn't even asked. and was kept out of the loop because DIL did not consider me part of her family.

As a MIL you get totally excluded by some DILs even if you get along with them. My son was in a war zone at the time btw and returned for the birth and then left again. My youngest son's girlfriend is lovely and considers me a second mum.

As the for person who said,
If you speak like towards your DIL I’m not surprised she didn’t want you by her side .

How did I speak towards my former DIL poster?

Actually I was always polite, kind and respectful towards her. Nothing in my post says differently. Your comment shows a hatred towards mother-in-laws in general.

moleymoleyOO Your Nct question will depend hugely on your leader. Mine was all about home birth and natural birth. We all felt like we were massive disappointments as everyone had some form of intervention. If he’d have listened to my leader, he’d think you’d just need to have a few surges and a bit of massage and all would be wonderful (to be fair she did also cover c section, pain relief etc but you could tell she didn’t really like hospitals or drs). She was all about relaxation though so I think she would have had a word about your DH not helping you to get into your ‘happy place’ by adding stress. 😀

Only people being unreasonable here are your DH, MIL & GMIL!

When it's your DH turn to give birth he can chose, not before.

I had my DH present but honestly it was only so he knew what I'd had to go through and to keep me company in early stages, after that he was very much relegated to the sidelines. The midwives were fab and they were the people I wanted with me . I wouldn't have wanted anyone there that I needed to think about or worry about.

Childbirth is about the baby and you. If your DH continues to be difficult I'd think long and hard about whether you want him there, fathers never used to be present and babies continued to be born!

Jesus Charolais perhaps your DIL wanted someone there who had actually seen her fanny and had wiped her arse before this felt comfortable with.
Priority wise it goes: DM - whose priority is her baby girl and wants to look after her during this time.
MIL - whose primary relationship is with her son and focus is on the baby.

Charolais are you even listening to any of the points people are making? Can you answer 2 questions - i'll be blunt.

1. did your DIL ever actually say "i don't want you here because i don't consider you family". Literally, did she ever confirm that's the reason why she wanted her mum with her, not you?

2. Think of having your next door neighbour in the birth with you. You're always polite and friendly enough to them, yes? So why might you not want them with you during a time when you're scared, high on drugs, boobs out, or (even worse) something medically might go wrong? Don't you get it now?

I'm going to have to back away from this thread soon because i'm getting more irate at how fvcking selfish some people are.

I had a c section for my DTs so no labour. It was a surprise section, my family knew it was being done, I’d never mentioned them coming up during the section time, or on the day - it had never occurred to me that I had to! DT2 was born not breathing and rushed off to SCBU, and they got to see my baby and meet her before I did.

YANBU at all, in the slightest. It’s a special time that’ll happen just once per child, and with hindsight I wish it had just been us. Should I have anymore babies, I’ll be keeping delivery day under wraps until it’s done and I’m in a fit state to see people.

Your dh needs to grow a back one and say a big fat NO!

I don't know where people get this sense of entitlement - that they can/must/should be there when someone else gives birth? No. If the birthing mother wants you there, she'll ask.

I also think the woman's mum takes president over the man's mum to be at the birth.

Hahaha as if that's in any way ok or reasonable

Nope, not happening. They will be first to know and first to visit.

The hospital I had my 3 dc in wouldn't have had a place for them to wait anyway and wouldn't have allowed anyone to visit until my say so.

@MaryandMichael Tell him if he's not careful you'll have HIM barred from the birth room too.

You're the labouring woman, it's your call. If you tell the midwives not to allow him into the room until you say so then they will keep him out.

That might hit home. Tell him if he can't be trusted to not go against your wishes then you will not allow him to be there either.

Harsh but he might listen then. You are the one giving birth.

If you want your mum there, do it - my mum was there for the birth of both my boys, along with my dh, and it was perfect for all of us. His mum would not have put me at ease or supported either of us in the way we needed. Do whatever you personally feel comfortable with, at the end of the day you're the one doing the seemingly impossible!!

No don’t do it if you don’t want them there OP! And please don’t back down.

Turn it round.
Ask him how his grandmother will cope being on a hospital chair most of the night?
Will she cope sitting there for a day and night?
How will his mum and grandmother get any meals?
Does he realise you will be worrying about them ALL the time , what a strain it will be ( yeh I know you will have other things on your mind )

I blame tv, everyone and their dog sits in the waiting room, mother and baby are fine, never any complications, minutes after the baby is born mother is there, clean clothes, make up on, no placenta, no squished baby face...
This is real life not fiction.

When I had DS1 13 years ago the midwife who did the hospital tour recommended 2 birth partners. I had a long labour with DS1 and 2&3 and I'm sure other family were anxious for news, but none felt the need to camp out in the hospital.

@Charolais that doesn’t sound too bad unless they prevented you from visiting for weeks or something?

I was never invited to see my GD. I did fly to where they lived and popped in for a very brief visit when my GD was 17 months old. My DIL always made me feel as if I didn't belong.

Charolais did your DIL actually say that? Or (gasp) could it be that at this very vulnerable and physically exhausting time she needed female support from people she's comfortable being half-naked and honest around? Why have you made her needs all about your wants? Unless you've explicitly been told that you were unimportant and not part of her family by the DIL as part of that decision making process, I think your view stinks

Please read my above post. I did not want to be there and I never asked to be there because it was a private time for parents and baby. As a MIL I know my place. I am not part of that family and many of you might find yourselves in that position when your sons are becoming fathers.

I have been married twice and so I have had two MILs. The funny thing is I always was very kind to them. Both of my MIL happened to see their baby grandsons before my mother and father did because they lived closer.

Even after I divorced my 1st husband I continued to keep my MIL in the loop with phone calls, photos. Three yrs after the divorce she came to visit me for a week and I later sent my son, her grandson, across the U.S as an unaccompanied minor to visit them for a month when he was 8 yrs old.

I find it interesting that many of you have written me off as an interfering old MIL who wanted to watch my DIL give birth - good lord NO! I think I'd faint or something. (I was under general when I had mine via CS).

If my youngest and his sweet girlfriend have a baby and ask me to be there I will decline because it is a very private thing for them. I'd either faint or would be worried sick, in other words totally useless.

Moral of the story; be nice to your MIL because one day you will be one.

This does NOT bode well for the future. These 2 women will be overstepping boundaries for ever more!!
NCT - I agree with previous poster, a real insight into childbirth is not promoted at all. It’s a good idea to meet other couples in your area due at the same time but at my classes c-section was practically a dirty word and just didn’t really happen to many people (yeah right) and as for bottle feeding??!! Forget it!! Don’t rely on those classes to bring your husband into line.
A much better education would be to show your husband this thread

See what the hospital says about it.... our local one kicks any hangers on out at 8pm....

Tell your MIL that if she wants to do so etching really supportive during your labour, she can pop over to your house and clean it from top to bottom. And do some laundry. And change the bed...

The thing is, you might be entirely unaffected by their presence in the hospital, and completely fine to have visitors as soon as the placenta is delivered - I had very long labours with all three of the dses - with ds1 not only did MIL and FIL visit, but they brought the dog as well - I walked down the the car park for a cuddle with her! They came back less than 4 hours after I had him - and I was absolutely fine with all of this.

With ds3, I hosted an NCT coffee morning whilst I was in labour, and I was equally happy to see visitors asap with both him and ds2.

But the BIG thing is that it was MY choice. If I hadn’t felt like visitors at any point, dh would have backed me 100%.

All my labours were long, as I said - 37.75 hours, 24 hours and 20 hours - ds2 and ds3 were born at home, but ds1 was born in hospital, and my PIL took dh home, after they’d visited ds1 and me - he was so tired he nearly fell asleep in his dinner - and it did help that they were there to worry about him, so I didn’t have to. Not that either he or they ever made me feel anything other than the priority, but they supported him so he could support me.

I also think it is madness that anyone would want their parent and grandparent (presumably no spring chicken) to sit around in a hospital for many, many hours when they have a comfortable house only 5 minutes away. I also think it is madness for your dh to base his idea of childbirth on popular culture, or that he thinks it is some sort of game where everyone should get a far ‘go’!

But the tl:dr message is that it has to be what YOU want and need, and your dh is being a nob.

Haven’t read all the replies, but just to add, I was in surgery for 90 minutes after giving birth. DH did skin to skin in that time. I’d have been devastated if other family members had been holding him etc before I even had a proper cuddle myself. Then as soon as I was back with him the Midwife was helping me try to breastfeed an exhausted, sleepy baby. It would have been so inappropriate for any visitors for at least 2.5 hours as a minimum. And that’s not including that I was exhausted after a 3 day Labour. Maybe get the Midwife to have a word with your DH. And good luck x

”Tell your MIL that if she wants to do so etching really supportive during your labour, she can pop over to your house and clean it from top to bottom. And do some laundry. And change the bed...”

@BreakfastAtSquiffanys - my PIL did all of this, whilst I was I hospital with ds1 (we were in for a week because he had neonatal jaundice), and they put lasagnes and summer puddings in the freezer for me!

I have to say it was mainly MIL who was the driving force - she was simply the most wonderful MIL, and I miss her terribly.

I only had DH at the hospital although MIL hinted she wanted to be there. My DM lived too far away. Realistically no one would have made it as I went to the hospital at 2am and DD was born at 2.29am (sometimes first labours are quick and straightforward OP!).

Since having DD I’ve seen a big difference in family relationships - my DM actually helps me and visits me while MIL is only interested in holding the baby and having her to herself. I would nip the situation in the bud before your MIL/GMIL start making it all about them.

You need to tell him that its up to you whether he is there or not.
If he can not be 100% supportive then he can wait with them and you will invite him in when you feel ready for visitors.

Honestly please don't stress to much about it in advance and just tell them you will play it by ear and call them as soon as you are ready for visitors; there is so much unknown for labour ... you may be labouring at home for the majority and barely on the delivery suite at all. You may be induced and be there for the long haul. It may be the middle of the night. Etc. Etc.

Plus it is very unlikely there is actually a waiting room on the delivery suite so if they do show up they would just be somewhere vaguely in the hospital until you are transferred to post natal ward anyway.