DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

So did MIL and GMiL have to have their MIL’s and GMIL’s in with them????

Well that’s just stupid and mean isn’t it Charolais.

If you speak like towards your DIL I’m not surprised she didn’t want you by her side

He's behaving like a petulant twat OP.
Since when has giving birth been a spectator sport?
I don't even have DH with me for my two births, he'd have been completely useless and probably have driven me and the midwife potty.
As for having my MIL there.....god forbid 😡

Move in with your DM for the last couple of weeks of your pregnancy. Don't tell DH when you go into labour. Not even joking.

Your DH sounds a bit self-centred, putting his relationship with his mum above your wishes. I think you should be brave here and, preferably not in anger, say they won't be able to see the baby on the first day (hold her?? No!). Another piece of advice... set the boundaries with your husband as soon as possible and let him understand where his loyalties should really lie. It's really unfair to make you fight your corner like this. Not just unfair but slightly idiotic from your MIL's perspective. This insistence is bound to make you resent her and set your 'after-baby' relationship with her in the wrong track. Good luck!

I've got 5 boys, so will maybe one day have a DIL or two. I couldn't imagine anything more boring than sitting around in a hospital waiting for what could be hours, or even days for my DIL to give birth.

I'd much rather be at home and await my invite whenever my DIL feels ready to see people.

And if she wants her own mum there then who am I to argue? Of course she's going to be closer to her own mother.

So bugger off with the "I hope you have a boy, then you'll know how it feels"

"Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me" It will affect you because you will feel under pressure. So tell him NO.

"... they want to be there." So what they are not entitled to be there, and for the record neither is he.

"My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born." Then just say no, what about your mum, will your mum 'toddle off', so to speak, after the birth. f you really want to bond as a three she will need to.

"I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there." No one is thinking about you, they are thinking about seeing the baby.

"I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?" 100% correct, just tell him, it's your way or the highway. Unless he plans on doing the birthing, that is!

(If you do not want your mum there either, just say no to her, there will be medical professionals, and your dh if he can get his act together!)

Even saying to me that I can have it my way, he just doesn't agree.

This isn't his decision. All this 'crazy hormonal pregnant woman' bullshit is really offensive, too.

My exMIL wanted to do this, my ex would have let her, I told her it was a bad idea, labour could last days and I'd want to have a rest before visitors and she eventually accepted that. My ex phoned her and my DM at the same time and they visited together, no drama. Stand your ground.

Print out @Fiftyshadesofgreymatter post and give it to him to read. Sounds like he has no clue what giving birth actually entails.

@Charolais that doesn’t sound too bad unless they prevented you from visiting for weeks or something?

I had a very very long first labour... I was admitted Friday morning around 10àm (in labour but not established, admitted due to other reasons ) DH was with me, Labour progressed very slowly. Around 6pm I got to 8cm and so thinking it wouldn't be long til baby born DH called my mum she only lives about 20 mins from hospital and was regularly updated. How wrong were we... Just after 9am the following day my DC was born... are his DM and elderly DGM really going to sit in a waiting area for what could be hours? Our hospital doesn't even have designated waiting room on maternity ward, there is only the main reception area to wait in.
If they insist on hanging around just let the midwife know that visitors are only allowed when you say so.

Charolais did your DIL actually say that? Or (gasp) could it be that at this very vulnerable and physically exhausting time she needed female support from people she's comfortable being half-naked and honest around? Why have you made her needs all about your wants? Unless you've explicitly been told that you were unimportant and not part of her family by the DIL as part of that decision making process, I think your view stinks.

No no no and no! His ONLY role now is to support you. Having your mum there for you is completely different to having your MIL hanging around. He needs to get a grip and stop stressing you out about this, you have enough to worry about and until he squeezes a fecking water melon out his arse he doesn’t get to trump you on this. !

My oldest son was married to a woman who had her mother and two sisters flown in from 3,000 miles away to be at the birth of my only grandchild. I was emailed a picture of the baby. It's not like we didn't get along, it was just that she felt I was unimportant and not part of her family

@Charolais

You’re conflating the relationship between you and your grandchild and that between a mother and her own daughter. A daughter may feel close to her mother and sisters and wants them there to support her.

It isn’t about the grandparent relationship when it comes to births and pregnancy. That can come later.

can't be bothered with full thread but sweet jesus OP that is the worst plan I have ever heard in my life. My first labour was about 12 hours long - I finally gave birth at 2am at which point my baby was taken away to neo natal for the night and I went into a deep sleep with utter exhaustion. I was bloody, off my head from gas and lack of sleep and in no state for visitors for several hours after waking the next day.

He literally has no idea what he is talking about. Also - there isn't a 'waiting room' on a delivery ward! It's not a doctors surgery it's a medical ward for treating women and delivering babies - get the midwife to explain how ludicrous this is.

Hmm I think you need to nip that one right in the bud OP. They can come in at visiting time when you are on the ward IF you are well enough and up to seeing people. And if you want your mum there, you have her. I didn't plan on my mum being there but after 3 days on labour ward, she just came in as she was worrying and it was lovely to have another supporter. DH was able to go home and have a shower/get food and my mum sat quietly with me while we waited for the drip to work. She was able to chivvy me along when I got anxious and fretful towards delivery.... far better than DH was able to, to be honest.

I'd go with what others suggested and ask MIL if her MIL was there waiting for her in the waiting room to give birth..................

Your wants and needs come first.
They trump the needs and wants of your husband, mil and gmil.
If you wanted the next door neighbour there that would be your choice.
If you want mum and husband there that’s your choice.
I think posters on this thread asking why you need TWO BIRTHING PARTNERS are as bad as people like your husband and in laws.
It’s your choice. Do what you want and tell him if he doesn’t like it he can do one too.

It's so ludicrous that I find it hard to believe - why on earth would his faimly want to stay up all night on hard plastic chairs while you 'give birth' ?? Why don't they sleep in their own beds and come and visit when the baby is a day or two old like normal people?

First labours are long. I don't understand this. I've never heard of people waiting in a 'waiting room' (which doesn't exist).

Tell them to 'wait' in their own home and be given the news when the baby is born.

He will realise how dumb he has been during labour. I promise he will look at you and say I am so so sorry I thought this was a spectator sport.

They sound batshit

I'm surprised he didn't want them at the conception. They must all think it's a spectator sport.

Sorry waterrat. Cross post!

OP I was that MIL with DGS1 and also DGS2. With #2 as soon as it was over I knew it was a mistake.

We had discussed it with DS & DDIL asked her directly what she wanted to happen - and both were quite happy with us being in the waiting room (with her parents, who brought giant bags of junk food and blankets - not sure if that was a good or bad thing, looking back) for the first birth. After 30 hours it turned into an emergency CS, but DDIL was a star throughout, and actually thanked me for helping manage her DM who has MH issues and was struggling at the time. All saw baby through the window in the nursery, kissed DS, and left while DDIL was being sewn up.

DGS2 was different. They went to L&D straight from a family funeral, and called us to come over afterwards. Plan was we would hold onto DGS1 during labor, and they wanted him to stay with them after the birth. Turned into another 30 hours of laboring only to end up with emergency CS. We were led into her room before she even came out of theater, and saw baby immediately - DS brought him in. Her parents turned up shortly thereafter, and we left them. All lovely, but in retrospect that should never have happened. She should have been able to introduce her new baby to his brother in private. We should have left them to it. I know DS was emotional and we were support for him (and big brother) and lovely DDIL was fine with it all, but still It was a mistake I wish I could take back. We were all caught up in the moment.

I blamed grief, but in reality I blame myself.

Op I was in a bad state following my birth. Awful state having had 36 hour labour do include allergic reaction to something.

I had a lot of stitches and I was a mess.

1 hour after giving birth may FIL traipsed in a pulled the catheter off the side of the bed which fucking hurt

I m still angry that this is one of my memories from my children being born.

I’ve had my mum there for all three of mine. Its really reassuring to have a women who is close to you and has been through the birthing process nearby, especially when it’s your first time. As for it making it awkward with his mum? Your mum will be there for YOU, to support YOU because labour is hard and she’s your mum and she loves you and your probably gonna need her there, trust me. Tell your partner it’s not because your mums more important than his mum blah, blah blah. Honestly.... it takes ages to finish up the labour process after the baby’s arrived anyway. Placenta, checking for tears, washing away the specks of blood and gunk. Then there’s the checks for the baby too, it takes ages and by the time it’s all sorted and you’ve got your complimentary cup of tea and a round of toast your baby’s around an hour old if not more. If his family live close then there’s no reason for them to be outside in the waiting room. Total pressure or what? Call them when the baby’s born and tell them to give you time to have a wash, brush your hair and put some more dignified clothes on..... and not to dare come without chocolate or some other nice goodies for you lol.

When he gives birth, he can choose who he has in with him.

When it’s you giving birth, you get to choose.

Simples.