DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

Your DH, his mother and grandmother are being quite unreasonable.

Your DH is supposed to have your back, not his mother's. This is his baby you're carrying, not his mother's.

Tell him to grow the fuck up and be there for you, even when it means telling his mother she can't have something she wants.

When he can give birth, which even under the best of circumstances is messy and exhausting, then he can choose who he wants to be there.

I agree with pp and you. It takes a little while after birth to feel ready to see anyone. You'll want to get changed, have a shower, and you may need medical help yourself. In my local hospital they'll move you from the labour ward to a postnatal ward. Visiting hours can be different on both so if you give birth outside those hours they'll be sent away anyway. If they live 5 mins away they can pop down when you're ready. Good luck op

FFS Charolais this isn't about you or about who gets to see baby first. It's about OP and a woman's right to choose who supports her in childbirth and when people are invited to see the new baby. Many women would want the latter to be when they're over the trauma / elation (delete as applicable). When they have cuddled baby, rested, dried their tears, washed some of the blood off etc. OP is not being unreasonable.

Why is it a thing on MN these days to completely miss the point and try to shoot people down....

Post: "I'm angry with my mother." Response: You're lucky to have a mother, mine's dead.

Post: "I struggle with my ASD child's meltdowns sometimes." Response: Some people can't have children; count your blessings".

Post: "DH wants his mum in the waiting room during labour". Response: I hope you have a boy and then you'll know how hurtful it is to be badly treated by your DIL.

It boils my piss. Sorry, rant over.

Hell. No!
I'd imagine it's a chance for them to be in a maternity ward, be in on the drama and give them a years worth of chat. Plus they will get bored and annoy the shit out of the staff or other new Mums circulating with their newborns. I honestly think you will regret it.
The maternity ward is about Mum to be and baby. Husband needs to nip this in the bud. Best of luck.

Also don't forgot you can add it to your birth plan that you do not conscent to visitors beyond birth partner(s) and remind your midwife to enforce it if/as required

Tell your dh that real-life is not like Friends, with everyone spending hours in the waiting room while the mother labours away. Is there even a waiting room they can sit in? You're likely to be in labour in the middle of the night, at the hospital I had ds at the hospital was closed and you had to be buzzed in, only mothers and birthing partners were allowed in the building

And of course you should stand your ground on having your mum there. It is you going through a massive physical and emotional ordeal, whilst also having all your bits hanging out. You should have whoever you want, and not have anyone you don't want. I personally wouldn't in a million years have my mum with me but I know some people are very close to their mum and want them there

Also agree you should have some time just the three of you once baby comes. Birth is exhausting and overwhelming, you'll be sore and knackered afterwards and definitely not up for a horde of visitors

Another HELL NO to add to your collection OP.

“Ooh yes, we find that labour always goes much more smoothly for the mother when her husband’s entire extended family are all hovering impatiently nearby” said no midwife ever.

Good grief!
YADNBU!!!

It was just me and DH at our children’s birth.
DS, I was 9cm at midday (after 2 day induction) so I called my mum. She came down as I wanted to see her afterwards.
DS finally at 3:30 pm and I couldn’t see my mum until after 6 as I’d lost a bit of blood, placenta took a while and needed to be cleaned and stitched up. So I made my poor mum hang around needlessly for 6 hours! MIL and the following day as she lives an hour away. The following day, she came down with her mother and brother and there was I trying to feed while sat in a pool of my own blood as I’d flooded the sheets. I didn’t mind MiL being there but I felt uncomfortable with the others being there too!
DD was a ELCS. She was whisked away to NICU. My parents came in with DS and I was so grateful as I was all over the place. Wouldn’t have liked my mil being there at that time as I had a massive bleed while my parents were there and was catheterised and just in a bit of a state really.
My mil (who is lovely btw) came a few days later and met dd while she was in NICU. I was much better at that point.

Labour is incredibly unpredictable. It’s not reasonable for anyone to expect to hang around and for the mother to feel under pressure to allow visitors immediately after when she’s at her most vulnerable.

Charolais are you even listening to any of the points people are making? Can you answer 2 questions - i'll be blunt.

1) did your DIL ever actually say "i don't want you here because i don't consider you family". Literally, did she ever confirm that's the reason why she wanted her mum with her, not you?

2) Think of having your next door neighbour in the birth with you. You're always polite and friendly enough to them, yes? So why might you not want them with you during a time when you're scared, high on drugs, boobs out, or (even worse) something medically might go wrong? Don't you get it now?

Please read my 2 posts above. If you read them you will understand where I am coming from and the point I am making.

For those who have poor reading comprehension; I DID NOT WANT TO BE AT THE BIRTH. I NEVER ASKED TO BE THERE. IF I WAS ASKED I WOULD HAVE DECLINED BECAUSE IT IS PRIVATE. I WAS POINTING OUT THE FACT I WAS NOT ASKED BUT MY DILs MOTHER AND SISTERS HAD AN AUTOMATIC RIGHT TO BE THERE.

I didn't want anyone around when I was in labour and considered it very private. My DIL thrives on confrontation and has told me about her various (shocking) public altercations over the years. I can imagine if I asked to visit GD after the birth I would have given an resounding NO.

I was excluded from everything. I was never in the loop. (My son was in and out of war zones for the first 5 yrs of GD's life). I never received updates, photos except what my son send me after the birth. I am not considered part of my GD's family. DIL is welcome to visit here anytime and she knew it. Even though they have been divorced for 10 years I have a standing offer to pay DIL and GD airfare to this country of she ever wants to visit. I am by no means needy about this. I have a rich and full life, just not much closeness with my GD.

Just because I am in the MIL and she is (was) the DIL it was does not necessarily mean I am the bad guy and she her behavior towards me was right.

Look everyone it's no big deal for me, I was just making the point of what it is like to be the MIL compared to the woman's mother and that one day those of you with only sons might find this out - unless you have a DIL who treats their MIL's as nice as I treated mine.

My GD is a teenager now btw.

There's a lot of poor reading comprehension and closed mindedness on this thread when it comes to understanding my comments. I think some of you might never understand the point I'm trying to convey.

Anyway, I've spent enough time with this so I'm going to make like a horse turd and hit the trail.

Well why are you derailing the thread with your issues Charolais with (what sounds like a not very nice) DIL?

Totally different situation

No no no no no
Also no

I’m not sure why they recommend two birth partners though? DH was enough!

I suppose you can’t stop them coming to the hospital but make it VERY clear that you won’t be seeing anyone until you’re good and ready.

My MIL always use to say "I was there for my sons first baby"
And then look at me, as if to say, "I will be there for yours too"

No, just no...

Sorry

Thats confusing.

She has 2 sons. My partner and his brother.

She was there when my partners nephew was born...

Another no from me!!

Just DH and Me at the birth of DS. We agreed to not even tell anyone I was in labour so that he wasn’t bombarded with texts/phone calls asking for updates or well meaning family members turning up at the hospital.

As a result, we had a lovely private few hours just the three of us. We were the only ones in the world that knew he was hear and it was lovely. I’d recommend it.

It’s strange, my midwife recommended me having another birthing partner but I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone other than DH being there.

Definitely no. My mil arrived as soon as she knew I went back to be induced and waited for 6 hours in the hospital despite me saying no visitors till tomorrow (including my own parents) I was on maternity hdu and she still barged in. Stand your ground.

You are all right that it must be the OP's decision who she has at the birth and who she has nearby.

But those of you questioning why she wants or needs a second birthing partner/her mum are just as bad as her DH.

You might not want or need anyone else there. You might not have that kind of relationship with your DM (Or MiL for that matter). But that's just you. I've been asked to be at the birth of nearly all my DGC. So have friends of mine at theirs. It's a huge privilege and I hope each time I've been supportive of the mother and respectful of the couple. It is becoming slightly more common (years ago,before hospital births, very normal).

Let the OP make her own mind up who she needs with her.

OP, your husband is an arse and you are being an awful lot more tolerant of his manwhinging than many women would be.

Of course he's wrong. You are giving birth, you are the patient. You don't have to have your husband there if you don't want to, so you're certainly not obliged to invite his relatives along for the show. Frankly, if he's going to continue to be so utterly unsupportive of your wishes and wellbeing you'd be better off without him there.

You might want to consider your birth partners being your mum and a doula.

Okay this is just the start of the battles. These women have no boundaries and no consideration for what you want.

Your husband won’t stand up to them, and thinks their batshit requests are reasonable. It even seems like he is encouraging get them.

I a, gem,pets to suggest you change your identity! Failing that hone form, you do not feel comports le with them being at the hospital. You know they are keen to meet the baby and they will. But you want time to recover and bond before they arrived.

That is reasonable and normal. Be factual and form. No room for misunderstanding and no discussion. You don’t have to ex0in any further than that.

Downstairs- that is dreadful. I assume she is an absoulte nightmare with th baby?!

Please stick to your guns. My ex and his family completely ruined the birth of my first baby and 4 years on I still can’t think about what should have been the best day of my life without crying. It was definitely a massive factor in my post natal depression which for very bad.

I'd tell him to stfu about it or he wouldn't be there either. He doesn't have the right to be you know. Your body, your choice. And it's perfectly acceptable to want some recovery time after. I had a bad 1st birth and no way would I have wanted any visitors that first day.

No no no and everything said up-thread !!!!!

Nothing to add except another hell no.

Ffs. Pop culture shows people hanging around in hospital waiting rooms because showing people doing ordinary things at home and occasionally calling each other and going "have you heard anything yet?" is shit-awful TV.

I was unconscious for two hours after DD came out and if anyone but DH had been there I would have been extremely upset, after the fact.

Two birthing partners is nice though, it means one of them can pop off and have a sleep without feeling bad for abandoning you, and if things start moving fast while your DH is gone, your Other Birth Partner can zoom off and get him. Or you can send one of them out for ice cream

If his fam are so interested in hanging round in hospitals and totally not being there to get an early view of your kid they can go and hang around there this week, get it out of their systems /joke

I had my then DH & my DM with me when I was in labour, I'd been admitted on the Saturday night as my blood pressure was through the roof & they started the induction process, my in laws had driven me & DH to the hospital as DH has MS & at the time couldn't drive, my mum got dropped off as I'd asked her to come to the assessment with me. After I was given the gel we had to wait for a bed to be found for me & everyone stayed as DFIL was dropping my DM off on the way home, I eventually got a room & everyone went home. Next morning my DM & DF brought DH back & as my DM was one of my birthing partners she stayed with us, I was taken up to have my waters broken early evening & Labour started almost straight away, I got my epidural around 11.00 that night, DM & DH got recliner chairs & settled down as best they could, I was only 4cm the next morning, they kept on increasing the drip all day & by 2.00 I was 8cm, I was left until 5.00 & when they checked again I hadn't moved at all & they said I needed a CS, my DH hadn't got enough tablets & was in quite a lot of pain so my DM came to theatre with me, she was the first one to hold my DS & to dress him for the first time. I was put on HDU as I was quite poorly & within an hour my in laws, DF, DB & DSIL all came to have a quick look at DS, within an hour they all went & left me alone with DS.