DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

@fixingabrokenhesrt but her Mum is there to support her in labour not to be the first to see the baby.

I find it so sad that people have attitudes like your DH, MIL and GMIL towards birthing women. People really hold such little regard for pregnant, birthing and postnatal women. There's a thread at the moment where the OP is cross because her ex's new wife has just given birth and her teenage DS hasn't been invited to see the baby - she hadn't bothered to check how Mum and baby were and if Mum is up for visitors!

Cue a barrage of people sneering about how its only giving birth, no biggy, it's not a medical procedure, stepson is more important and if the stepmum didn't want to see him she should go and sit on the loo while he holds he baby (yes really). When I said how it can go wrong and as an example o nearly died in childbirth someone said "God and I bet you tell people that every days which has upset me far more than it should. It's depressing how women are silenced over wanting control of their bodies and their experiences, because someone else's desire to see a baby fresh out the womb is more important than a patient's needs. It makes me really fucking angry actually.

I can't fathom this thing about having extra people in there, the father maybe but to be honest were I to do it again it would be just me and the professionals. Certainly wouldn't have wanted my mother there and I wouldn't have been on there with my daughters either, I'm with the one who looked at the aftermath and thought it gross!

It’s not unusual to have two birthing partners and a helpful mum is a good person to have. There is a massive difference between having your mum at the birth and having your MIL there and I’d expect your DH to understand that - your mum is there for you, not to see the baby.

As for your in-laws - have you checked with your hospital what the deal is? Where I work there is no waiting area, no visitors are allowed onto delivery suite (unless unusual circumstances), and visitors to postnatal have to wait til visiting time - so if your hospital is similar, there is zero point in them hanging around, they won’t see the baby any sooner, and it’s likely your DH is going to be bobbing in and out to see them which will be annoying and he could keep them up to date just as easily by text.

@moleymoleyOO

This is what you need to say to him.

"I will be pushing a watermelon out of my vagina. I will quite possibly pee over myself, shit the table, bleed. I will quite possibly have a tear which mat need stitched. I will be sweaty and exhausted. I won't have eaten for hours. I will be in pain. I won't even be able to go to the toilet without it stinging. They also recommend skin to skin contact immediatly after the birth, so I will be naked whilst I hold our baby for an hour or so. I will want to shower. I will want to eat. I might just fall asleep and I don't want anyone in the room if I'm sleeping when I'm that much of a mess. Your part of this was the conception and your mother wasn't waiting outside the door for that, so she will not be there for this. I'm the one pushing the baby out. If I want my mother there then she will be ther. It is not about fairness. It is not a competition. I am giving birth and as amazing as the new baby is, it also comes with all the other disgusting parts. I do not want them there. If it is outside of visiting hours, they wont even be allowed on the ward. It is not a movie. They won't be allowed."

Do not back down. Do not let his idiotic move fantasy get in the way of the facts about childbirth.

Hell to the no.

It WILL affect you. You will have on your mind the fact that they are just waiting outside.

My mum lives abroad and even I don't want to tell her the second I go into labour as I don't want the fact of her travelling (and then waiting once she has arrived in the country) to be hanging over my head when all I want to be doing is concentrating on labour and then subsequent bonding.

You HAVE to tell him no.

I had my mum and another person there for when i was in labour. When my older dsis was in labour a few years earlier you were just allowed one person in. It was better having 2 in as with just one, one of your chosen people to stay missed out

I had an unexpected emcs so nobody knew until the following day. My boys were both in a bad state and we didn’t have anyone to visit until they were 8 days old. My mum is no longer with us but I’m sure she would have been straight down there late that night if she were alive.

I think you need to be fair to him as well as think about what you both need. I’d say no parents until the baby is born and you are ready. The baby has a whole life ahead of them, a few hours waiting won’t hurt anyone.

I’ve had 4 children and not once would I have wanted people waiting to come in straight away ! Ynbu.
My mum sounded annoyed that it took me 2 hours to ring once baby arrived - I chose to ignore her tone !

It's all a bit much having loads of relatives around, they just get in the way. I only had my husband and it was fine, personally I think that's the best way. I gave birth just after 6.30am and after a while, husband telephoned the grandparents. Everyone was happy.

It's a fairly modern trend to have someone else with you. You wouldn't offend anyone if you only had your husband, which is normal.

Despite what the hospital people may have told you, midwives have told me they prefer it when only a husband/partner is with a woman in labour. Others aren't helpful.

I’m surprised they recommended two birth partners. My hospital only likes one. I think anyone wanting to sit in a hospital waiting room for hours is batshit. I had 36 hours from my waters breaking to birth. I was exhausted and concked out fairly immediately after checking the baby was ok and I was stitched up etc. I think I would have hit anyone that would walk in immediately after the birth. The baby and I then had 2 hourly monitoring. When we weren’t asleep or feeding we were being checked. I needed time to recover.

Thank you all so much some of these responses have made me laugh which is good as I was/ still am seething! We are doing NCT soon do you that will enlighten him at all?

That's crazy! Maybe he feels nervous and want them there for himself?! I had my husband and no one else. Stick to your guns, it's your delivery!

Christ on a bike.

Let your midwife know what’s the shit is going down with your idiot DH, and how he wants everyone in on your business.

She’ll bitch slap that fool into submission.

You need all the time and peace of mind you can get.

Instruct the midwife to read him the riot act, and with menaces.
If he’s not there to support you, he’s not there at all.

Poor you!

I felt bereft watching my baby being cuddled and photoed eith other people after birth. It was completely my hormones but it was very a intense feeling and I could see her the whole time. Thinking bacl to thag time really affected me for months afterwards. I can still feel it now when I think about it, the feeling of despair inside. Birth does strange things to your body and emotions. This is something to point out to DH. Our hospital didn't allow loitering in the waiting area (basically one chair for mother to be to sit on if necessary while waiting to be taken in with modwife) for safeguarding and they also enforced visiting hours so hopefully yours will.

Fwiw I had my mam with me for my first and felt much more relaxed as she had been through it and I was scared. With my second I was more then happy to just have my DH. Do what will make you feel the most relaxed. We also had some time with DS after the birth as we wanted DD to meet him first so no one else was allowed in until she met him.

Maybe explain that you want DM, MIL and GMIL to all meet little one together as they're so important (obv if u decide not to have DM during labour) so you will let them know when to come.

Congratulations and good luck.

Thank God re the NCT. Though it depends on the leader. Mine was magnificently old school and though she wouldn't have dismissed anyone, she'd have asked why he thought this was a good idea. 'Because my mum is bending my ear' is not a good reason.

and as for "I don't have to agree with it", just smile sweetly and say "that's nice". Then carry on.

I also think just having your husband there is plenty as far as birthing partners go - though the way yours has been behaving I'd almost be tempted to have my mum or sister INSTEAD OF him!! See how he feels about that!!

I would be surprised if they allow this, no one was allowed in our labour ward at all except birth partners and when moved onto maternity no one was allowed outside visiting hours except partners so even if they wait down in the cafe chances are once you've given birth they won't be allowed access anyway. I thought people only did this on tv

He can agree or disagree, it's irrelevant. Because it isn't his clunge.

Yes, do see if it can be brought up at your NCT classes. our instructor was a very hippy dippy, oxytocin loving type. She'd have taken a very dim view of this attitude!

moleymoleyOO your husband sounds like a terrible husband and terrible birth partner.

i hope you show him this thread.

he has absolutely no regard for protecting or advocating for you at what is a very emotional, vulnerable and possibly traumatic time for you and baby.

you will be bleeding. exhausted, physically. the nurses may need to deal with post-birth issues, surgeons may be fixing you up there, or you may need to go into other surgery. god forbid, there may be medical complications that mean you or baby need urgent care. if all goes textbook, you will need to bond and might be trying to establish breastfeeding. you will also need time to clear up, have something to eat to restore your strength. you won't be fully dressed immediately after, you'll be wandering around in a nighty with your boobs out most likely.

why the fvck would you want his relatives sitting and tapping their feet in a waiting area whilst all of that is going on?

Seriously - the more I think about your DH here, the more he needs to be told off for being a selfish cunt. he's not putting you or the baby's needs first here, and the very fact that he's pressured you here would mean the birth partner choice is a simple one.

he wants 2 extras alongside him? (when he can't even advocate for you).
how's about you just make your mum your birth partner, if you think she'll support you and advocate for you.
he can sit at home with his mum and gran and ponder how it ended up like this.

@sunshineandshowers21 my mother is so overbearing that my husband would feel completely sidelined. That's not acceptable.

They also have other mothers and babies to protect so don't allow people loitering and wondering where they like.

OP I hope your baby is a boy so one day understand how some women act towards their MIL.

My oldest son was married to a woman who had her mother and two sisters flown in from 3,000 miles away to be at the birth of my only grandchild. I was emailed a picture of the baby. It's not like we didn't get along, it was just that she felt I was unimportant and not part of her family.

It’s entirely up to you. Don’t be bullied and it’s much less stressful when no one else knows your in labour.
I had an emergency planned csection. DS was due to be delivered at 38 weeks but they had to get him out at 36 weeks . It was planned in that they decided the night before. We didn’t really have time to tell everyone and had always wanted to be able to ‘announce ‘ his birth once he’d arrived. It had been a difficult pregnancy and we really didn’t want everyone stressing out waiting to see if everything was going to be ok.
It was great being able to ring everyone once I was comfortable and we had had a few hours on our own with DS.
The midwives were brilliant and always made sure we were happy to have visitors once they started arriving. DH also asked everyone but closest family to leave it a couple of days before visiting. As DS was in nicu for a while, he was 10 days old before we were discharged, everyone had plenty of opportunity to visit.

I didn't want anyone other than my husband in the birth centre. It was a private moment just for the 2 of us. So no one else was there.

I do wonder what happens to GMs that they forget what it's like when you've given birth. Or maybe because their babies were put in a nursery and they fed to a schedule they had a very different experience.

My MIL who is normally lovely wanted the entire family (PIL, SILs, BILs, DN) to come to stay in our house (they live too far away for a day trip) to see the baby the day I got out of hospital (we were in a week because I had an infection). DH and I had a massive argument about it while I was still in hospital because he couldn't understand what my problem was. My Mum was staying with us and doing all the housework and cooking to support me and apparently that was completely equivalent to his (unhelpful) family coming en mass . DD is 10 and I've still not forgiven him for that.

Your hormones will be all over the place. When my (very easy going) DB came to visit when she was about 10 days old I was in tears the night before because I was so exhausted I didn't know what I would have to say to him (Mum was still with us doing all the cooking and housework so I didn't need to do anything). You need the time to recover from the birth and you need the time to let the hormones settle. Your DH should only let them know things are happening after you are on the post natal ward and are ready to see them. Not before.