DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

IMHO, the only people who should be there are those who were present at the conception. Medics excepted.
Perhaps they want to be on-site so they can 'concentrate' for you or 'pray' for you. That would feel intrusive to me.
Perhaps you could agree that he can have them there if he's ok about having them in the next room, pacing, praying and hoping for his good performance the first time you have sex after giving birth. Is that fair?

YANBU.

Why do you even need two birthing partners? For me the fewer people the better. It will just be me and DP and we won’t even let anyone know until baby has safely arrived.

Do you think I should speak to MIL again and explain everything to her? If I've told her (again) I don't want anyone in the hospital waiting then it will be harder for her to just rock up? She will be absolutely desperate to, but surely if you've had a frank conversation with someone who has asked you not to do that then you probably wouldn't?

No. This would imply you owe her something. You don't. If I were you I'd have a word wi h the midwife and say that you expect them to arrive but you want them turned away until you OK it. They can't just barge their way in, maternity wards are secure and staff are obliged to turn them away if you don't want them.

As an aside, what is this new found nonsense about announcing the labour?! I've even seen it on Facebook! What happens when the labour is false? My brother text us all when his DW went into labour, despite me asking him not to. It was torture. I knew there was no point in chasing him to ask how things were but it was 2 days before we got the call. Poor SIL had 36 hour labour followed by an EMCS. We were having kittens! Don't do it people, just announce when baby is here!

God no. No no no no no. My older DC rocked up when I was in labour - fair enough, I was at home and it was their house too - but after a few choruses of "is it nearly here yet?" and they were dispatched out.

Try reading Kitzinger - Birth Your Way (www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/Birth-Your-Way-Sheila-Kitzinger/dp/0789484404)?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-3376249-dh-wants-his-mum-and-grandma-in-the-waiting-room-during-my-labour" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Birth-Your-Way-Sheila-Kitzinger/dp/0789484404) and you will understand why other people's expectations on you to birth in a particular way and timing, causing you stress is just going to bugger the whole experience up.

If I was your midwife and had met your husband, and had noticed him being a brat, I might recommend you have two birthing partners too.

Talk directly to MIL about her birth(s).

Ask her specifically:

• how long did it take
• were any instruments required
• did she get pain relief
• did she require any stitches
• was the placenta passed easily
• how long did she bleed for after the birth
• who were her first visitors
• how soon did her MIL see the baby
• did she breastfeed
• did she breastfeed in front of family

She wants to be in the room ASAP after your birth, she clearly wants ‘in’ on your vulnerable time, so it should be fine to ask these questions. It will be a really useful exercise.

I had a long frank discussion with my MIL and it was brilliant, really cleared the air, and reminded her of some things (her MIL being a DICK) that made her give me and DH a bit more space without needing to be asked.

She may just be carried away with the excitement of her son and a grandchild, and sort of forgotten that you are a real person. Asking her for deeply personal information is a thought provoking way of reminding her that’s what she is asking of you.

I'd make sure the staff know that you don't want visitors and to turn anyone away. They've been told. Not your fault if they want to waste hours of their time to then be told that going against your wishes isn't actually acceptable after all, and they can go home and wait until you're good and ready for them.

No way! My entire family were at the hospital while I was in labour - not planned, I had been admitted for days, it was a bank holiday so they all planned to pop in to see me and I went into labour just before the start of visiting hours 🤦🏽‍♀️ Can’t remember if there was a waiting room or they were in a corridor but eventually they decamped to the restaurant until that closed and they were milling around not wanting to leave. DD was whisked away to NICU, accompanied by DH. I wanted my mum as I was on my own but later felt I had to agree to let MIL in so I didn’t upset her but actually I didn’t want her to see me in that condition and knew that she wouldn’t be supportive to me in the way my own mum would be.

Don’t let them make it about them, put your foot down.

i find it odd that people on here don’t have their mum’s as birthing partners! where i’m from it’s odd if your mum isn’t there! pretty much everyone i know has their partner and their mum as their birthing partners - and if not their mum then their sister!

Are you sure he hasn’t asked them himself because he’s being a big scaredy baby and wants his mummy there to hold his hand and tell him he’s still the most special boy in the world?

I had a 28 hour painful labour with baby born at 8.30 am and DH was tired so he thoughtfully went home to sleep it off but before he did, he arranged for me to have a stream of visitors throughout the day until visiting hours closed that evening, all making small talk, breathing (as I thought ) germs on the newborn and watching me struggle to breast feed, When the last two arrived I bawled my eyes out and couldn't stop I still remember it with annoyance to this day.

Stick to your Guns!!!

I think it would be weird and could potentially make other pregnant women uncomfortable. I’ve had 2 homebirths but my only experience of the delivery suite waiting room was when I had to go in for reduced movement. Other women were there for bleeding, early labour etc. Is it appropriate for relatives to wait there for what could be a long time?

You don’t need two birthing partners - just have your DH, if that’s what you want.

It was recommended I have two birthing partners - not that unusual, especially for a first and possibly prolonged labour. It meant that one could slip out for a quick snack or update other family members, and I was never left alone. Considering my first labour was over 2 days, I was grateful that my husband wasn't trying to manage by himself.

sunshine I think it's so lovely when women feel close enough to their mums that they want them there for the birth. But if you met my mother, who when I see her proceeds to criticise everything from my hair ("why can't you just have a nice brown bob") to my clothes ("don't people dress smart these days?") you'd know exactly why I'd rather have Mr Blobby in the labour room over my mother.

Very wise to want a few quiet hours to bond. I was super stressed due to external factors when I gave birth (totally alone) and had a lot of trouble bonding due to stress, which in turn increases the risk of PND. Strongly recommend you stick to your guns - you know what's best for you and baby, follow your instincts.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Honestly, if your DH keeps pushing it on you, I'd be telling him he can wait outside too and just have your mum as your birthing partner. You don't have to let anyone in you don't want to. Simply tell the midwives you don't want visitors until X time and, in my experience, they will ask visitors to leave/will explain they can't come in yet.
My DH text his sister that I was being taken for an emergency c section and she was at the hospital before I even came out of theatre. To make it worse, my baby was taken straight to NICU and she wanted to go see him before I'd even had the chance to see him properly. She was promptly told to piss off despite her tears and tantruming and DH insisting she meant no harm, and she annoyed me so much that I didn't let her visit until we got home a week later.

Sign of things to come. Good luck with that.

Your body. Your birth. Your choice. You don't even have to have him. Biggest mistake was asking him about your mum when you should have told him your mum would be there.

You are not unreasonable to not want them there however you are unreasonable to use the excuse about not getting time to yourselves when your mums going to be there

Nope nope nope. I'd tell him that you're giving birth. That you like his DGM too much to have her stuck in a waiting room for possibly days. That you want to have visitors once you're sewn up, not bleeding everywhere and once you've had a cup of coffee. That if he is going to be a dick about it, then he can wait out there with them as you need people who will support you and who you can trust to put you first. That it's not negotiable but if he ever goes through surgery or passes kidney stones, you won't insist on your family cheerleading him from the corridor.

Also, keep your foot down and have your mum as well as DH if that's what you want. Don't ask permission. I had my mum and DH for our first baby and as much as I love DH, he was bloody useless and irritating the whole time. My mum kept me calm. When I was taken for my emergency c section, I was terrified and all I wanted was a cuddle from my mum.

I think the hospital will probably send them away.

Why on earth do you need two birthing partners? One a female?

I'm sorry I just don't get that at all!

Speak to the midwife and let her know (preferably when your dh isn't around) and tell her what is happening. The hospital can prevent anyone else coming at your request and can write it on your notes.

Is your husband a useless man- child?

I can’t think why else you would be advised to bring a second birth partner.