DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

18 years ago my DM and MIL took it upon themselves to wait in the labour ward waiting room, it was horrific as DH felt he had to keep popping out to give them an update! As soon as DD was born they were both in the room within 30mins, so much pressure for first birth. 2nd time around we didn't tell anyone and I rang my DM about 2 hours after and told them. Stop this now before it becomes a big issue, it's no fun being in labour without any added pressure.

With a bit of luck she’ll understand if not you have to hop you go into labour at 2am and they can’t be bothered getting out of bed!

I'm surprised you were recommended to have two birthing partners, I think that's unusual.

We didn't tell anyone when I went into labour. I called my mum after and was breezy on the phone till I told her I had just had the baby. I'm so glad I did it that way for many reasons and would do it the same way again except I would actually tell people my due date is later than it actually is to avoid the bombardment of texts as soon as my due date arrived.

The person who is pushing a baby out of their vagina gets to decide who is in the room while that happens. End of.

Your husband can do what he likes, just calmly inform him that your mum WILL be there, as your birth partner, should you decide that you want her there. And there will be NO visitors until you have had time with your newborn and are ready.

There are plenty of times for discussion and compromise during a marriage. This is not one of them. Giving birth, you call the shots.

Then just ask your midwife to write into your birth plan what you have decided, making a note that they are to ask YOU who to let in, should visitors turn up, not your husband.

He has no power here. It’s literally not up to him.

He's being ridiculous and you need to stick to your guns. His role during labour and delivery is to support you, instead he's putting his DM and GM first. I would be concerned that if you give into him now then it will be worse once you bring baby home. He'll probably think they should be waiting for you when you arrive home from the hospital and that he can have his DM and GM there constantly while you're sleep deprived and trying to get into the swing of new-parenthood. He needs to get his priorities straight and fast.

I know I can keep them out of the room, but just the pressure knowing they're waiting in the hospital somewhere is what is getting to me because then after the birth he'll be chomping at the bit to let them come and see the baby when I won't have had any time myself to recover etc.

Good God no. You are the patient, only you gets to make decisions about your care. You're not obliged to allow anyone in, and if anything goes wrong (like it often does) you'll be in no fit state for visitors. What is your DH thinking?! His mum and nan can wait until YOU are ready to have visitors, the baby won't change much in the space of a few days. Stand your ground on that too - if you don't feel up to it then they don't get to visit.

People saying why does she need her Mum there - I couldn't think of anyone worse to be in the room when I gave birth other than my mum. She's squeamish and lazy and I'd only be doing it all wrong or making a fuss over nothing. BUT if your Mum is supportive and empathetic and kind OP, and you like her there when you're in a crisis, then have her. Giving birth can be very scary and you need the best support possible, if that's in the shape of your Mum then don't feel bad for wanting her there.

Yes speak to MIL and make it clear that she is not welcome (but put it more tactfully than that maybe). Pacify her by saying she can visit a few hours later when you've been cleaned up and had some time to snuggle your baby etc.

He is being unreasonable. If he won't listen talk to your MILyourself

Tell him I was 30 hours in labour with #1. A friend was 72hours in hospital in labour with #1.
Waiting around is a silly idea as they may be there hours.

Also our hospital will not let anyone other than birthing partner into the labour wards and only strict visiting times for anyone other than partner and children, so they could be there hours and see nothing.

I think reading the Lemon Clot Essay would be very useful for him - I'm afraid he does sound like a bit of a dick. Both for his unreasonable demands and because he clearly hasn't yet made any effort to find out what you're about to go through. He needs to educate himself on the harsh realities of birth, pronto.

If you don't trust him to actually follow through with your wishes, have a discreet word with the hospital ward staff and make it clear that you will not be accepting any visitors except him and your mother, and that's only if you want them there. They won't let your intrusive in laws in if asked not to, and that way you can blame hospital policies rather than be called a stroppy hormonal woman.

What the hell is wrong with some people?

No, no, no! Absolutely not under any circumstances!

What an insane idea. Do you even want your DH in the birth?! Bloody hell, if he can’t protect you from intruders (which absolutely how they will feel when you are exhausted at probably at your most vulnerable, ever) then what is he good for! Ditch the notgottaclue husband and have your DM there instead.

There's no 'fair' in this situation. This is one time in your life you HAVE to be selfish as it's such a vulnerable/unpredictable time and it's so important who only have who YOU feel comfortable with. Your DH should understand this

Also labour wards don't really have waiting rooms for overbearing families. Your DH would only end up feeling the need to check on them when your in labour. Not to scare you but it could be days!

I don't know any hospitals midwife units or consultant led that have waiting rooms! It's a myth shared by the likes of Holby city! I also have no idea why you were told to have 2 one of which is female that's ridiculous!

I would strongly advise it just be you and your partner it's the only way you will get what you want time spent just the three of you! If mil and grandmother really want to sit in the cafe for god knows how long let them they won't be allowed in to see you until you are ready! All midwives I know are great bouncers for keeping unwanted family out if you are clear

Due to complications, I visited L&d many times in my pregnancy. Every time I saw the waiting room filled with family I cringed. Many of them would complain about how long it was taking. No woman In labor needs that negative energy anywhere near her, even if she isn’t immediately aware. Even the spouse hopping out to the waiting room to update family is an intrusion.

'Okay, I'll have it my way then.' Job done.

Is he ok😂
How dare he ask again when you've already said no?
I suggest you let him read this so he sees how much of a cock he's being!

And if he thinks you are saying no because you are crazy and hormonal, I would be tempted to show him what crazy and hormonal really looks like! Tell him you will birth without him if he keeps pushing the mil plan on you, and that if he tries to attend the birth you will tell the midwives you are scared of him and don’t want him there.
Prob not a good plan but feck I am angry for you!
But since the battle is on, also insist on not having visitors until you are ready. May as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb.

Say no. Not needed or wanted. You'll call them when your ready. If your husband has a problem with this he needs to be reminded it's not him giving birth, you are. Your choice. Don't be pressured.

Unless you are having a planned c section then you can't possibly know when you're going into labour, it could be the middle of the night. Just tell DH no messaging anyone until after baby has arrived and you've had some bonding time. They can't be sat in the waiting room if they don't know you're in labour!

Such a lot of fussing.

Just have your dh there and phone everyone else with the good news.

You don't need a frigging audience or committee in attendance.

!!! Hopefully the hospital will send them home otherwise you may as well just sell tickets to all comers. Good luck. Hope u get what you want.