DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

@Knittedfairies embarrassingly he did say that everything he sees in popular culture is families waiting in hospitals

The only one I wanted and had there was my husband. I've no idea why she suggested two birthing partners.

Stick to your guns, be harsh if you have to and say no.

I agree with everyone else.

There's one point that's not been made yet though - if they're allowed to wait, since you don't want them to, knowing they're there outside could actually slow your labour. You need support, not pressure.

Of course YANBU, your husband is though! You want your mother there to support you. You won't be getting any support from someone in another room! I'm surprised they'd be allowed to wait or visit straight away. I just had my DH and was lucky that DS was born at 6am so had a few hours before telling anyone. That time is so precious. Your the one giving birth, if you want your DM there then make sure you do. It's your call to make not his!

Say yes, as long as them and your parents can come an watch an invasive and exhausting surgical procedure on his private parts, and expect him to politely receive visitors when he is wheeled in to recovery.

If you don't tell them you are in labour then it's all sorted.

You're the patient, it's your choice. If you feel like your mum will provide the support you need, then that's your decision to make. His family won't suffer for having to wait til visiting time.

Definitely not being unreasonable. You will be so pleased your mum is there during the birth for support. Also, I really appreciated that my mum could help me get in to the shower and get me cleaned up after the birth (didn't realise quite how much blood birth involves and think my husband would've fainted haha). You're not going to want visitors minutes after birth so I think you're better off setting everyone straight now then being upset at an already highly emotional time. Could you tell your MIL you're not wanting visitors for a couple of hours as you want to do some skin on skin bonding time alone?

It's actually scary that he thinks this is a good idea and he's just humouring my demands because I'm the crazy pregnant hormonal one. Even saying to me that I can have it my way, he just doesn't agree.

Frankly, I'd be telling him that I was going to hospital without him as well if he's going to disrespect your needs and wishes

And what waiting room?! Unless you're giving birth somewhere like the Portland I doubt very much that there's somewhere they can wait, or where the nursing staff would welcome them waiting.

Take charge. Tell him that the only person you want with you is him. (Assuming that's true, of course?! )

@Sparklingbrook he will tell them as soon as I'm in labour. Guaranteed.

Say it's fine as long as he's fine with your mum and Nan being there next time he has a prostate exam.

Get him to read some of the stuff about stress in labour slowing things down and resulting in more interventions. Putting you in a situation you will find stressful is bad for you and bad for the baby.

Tell him my Mum waited in the waiting room - I was not close enough to want her there all the time, when I was most vulnerable, and dh felt he would not be relaxed with her there - she said she wouldn’t mind. But after hours and hours of labour and just popping in once (we were not thinking of her, but the midwives took pity on her) she got tired and emotional and went home, then to cap it all was not allowed onto the ward for visiting for another 12 hours the next day. Its still a painful memory for her.

why would they want an elderly lady to sit for hrs madness yes i get that his mum is excited but i would never have dreamed of either asking to be in labour room or hang around waiting .my son told me dil was in labour yes i sat about all day and night aggitated waiting on news but in my home not annoying anyone .once the precious baby was here i went straight to hospital but only to congratulate my boy met him in canteen .then went away and came back later to see all 3 god it was hard leaving without seeing dil and baby but i understand mother and baby need a few hrs together without interuptions i have good relationship with dil and i want to keep it that way .

Ask him if he was in hospital having a procedure to remove a whole galia melon from his rectum, would he want your mum and sibling standing outside the theatre doors, chomping at the bit to come inside and see it all? How quickly after the melon was removed would he like to have visitors?! (So sorry to liken your lovely baby to a melon! I just think sometimes men don't consider how brutal childbirth is on the mum, it's actually making me really angry on your behalf!)

Once he has watched you give birth he may well come round to understanding your way of thinking. If not, he's just an inconsiderate dick.

Well if he’s going to be a petulant arse about it, tell him you WILL have it your way and you don’t NEED him to agree, so the matter is settled. If they live 5 minutes away there’s not even any point in them being in the waiting room, is there?

Sorry but no. Absolutely not.
Your birth you choose who you see there straight after. Next baby I have I will be way more firm with it. I had visitors three hours after having an emergency section and whatever way I have my next one will not include who got to see the baby first.

He is saying we can do what I want but it doesn't mean he has to agree with it

He's trying to guilt-trip you. Fuck that.

It may be his child but you're the one giving birth. Your needs and wishes trump everyone else's 1000%.

Yes definitely make it clear to the midwives that you strictly do not want visitors allowed access to you on the delivery ward. Write it on your notes in beight red sharpie if you have to! When I was in labour I phoned my DH at midnight to come to the hospital and when he arrived, before he was buzzed in to the ward, a midwife came to me and asked if it was okay to let him in. Hopefully your hospital has a set up like this too.

No no no. Birthing mothers need to be as stress free as possible, having someone in/outside the labor room you are not comfortable with can prolong your labor from stress. No. This just makes my blood boil. Had the same situation with my first. In the end MIL and I were at such loggerheads that DH told her she could be there for the second baby. I was furious as he said that without consulting me, but in the end it worked. It kept MIL happy, DH realised after my thre day labor, haemorrhage, surgery, transfusion and icu stay, that birth is not like on telly. In the years before I had dd2, SIL gave birth with mil there. Mil got her fix, and her attending dd2s birth was never raised again.
This is an age old problem on internet boards and makes me wonder wtf is wrong with these entitled arseholes demanding they be at someone else’s birth, and pathetic dhs not sticking up for their partners. Stick to your guns op, mn will support you!

Do you think I should speak to MIL again and explain everything to her? If I've told her (again) I don't want anyone in the hospital waiting then it will be harder for her to just rock up? She will be absolutely desperate to, but surely if you've had a frank conversation with someone who has asked you not to do that then you probably wouldn't?

Why not go the whole hog and invite everyone who was at your wedding to be in the waiting room? Maybe have a ceilidh to keep them entertained between contractions.

He's being a prannock. YANBU.

I would ask the midwife to have a word.My dil gave birth last week and there s no way in hell they let anyone in.Apart from birth partner