DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

My first birth was a right old disaster and ended up in an emergency c section with DH crying and the doctors having a discussion about Romania as a holiday destination as they cut me open. Still end result was worth it . Good luck OP and NO to granny in the waiting room!

Seriously what is wrong with people? It isn't like the mother and grandmother have never given birth themselves, they should have some level of understanding having been through it! Your husband should be supporting your wishes at every turn. His wishes come second to yours during labour, he needs to understand this. Please don't be bullied into having a circus act waiting outside to come bounding in 20 seconds after you've given birth.

I don't really understand why you were encouraged to have 2 birthing partners? I could have 2 but on our hospital tour they basically said it was more people to get under their feet. There's also no waiting room on the delivery suite I went to, well there is but its for labouring women waiting to be seen, you have to be buzzed through a locked door. I'm sure a lot of places will have this kind of setup to stop just what your husband is planning.

From personal experience my first child took along time to be born (24 hours). I just had my husband and no one knew for the majority of the time I was even in labour. My husband could be in the room and not stuck glued to his phone updating every man and his dog. Once the baby was born we had 4 hours in the delivery suite, just the 3 of us. It was an amazing time, only we knew the baby was here, it was very special. We just sat around, bonded and cuddled. I'm so glad we got that. Once we contacted my in laws on the ward they were "angry" we had waited 4 hours to tell them the baby had arrived (they'd worked out 24 hours radio silence and our car not at our house I kid you not meant we were having the baby!). I didn't apologise and pointed out they were the last thing on my mind. Our second baby we did the same, I really do treasure them first few hours before the phones start going (as lovely as it is people congratulating!).

This is utter nonsense of course YANBU. I would be shutting my DH down in no uncertain terms and your in laws too.

I would also be telling the hospital - writing it down that no one is allowed in to you or your baby. Tell your DH that and if he goes behind your back I think that’s a whole other thread / problem.

if you talk to him, tell him no, show him this thread he should respect you.

If he doesn’t then words fail me.

"I wonder if the midwife advised at least one female birthing partner because she could tell the H is on the controlling side and/or a man who doesn't really consider women to be people. From everything OP has said about how this H is prioritising his own parents over the woman who is actually going to be giving birth it wouldn't surprise me."

I hadn't considered this, @ReanimatedSGB, but it makes sense.

Speak to the midwife and let her know (preferably when your dh isn't around) and tell her what is happening. The hospital can prevent anyone else coming at your request and can write it on your notes.

This! For security reasons, most maternity units have locked doors where visitors have to be buzzed through. Make it clear to the staff that you don't want any, but that some may arrive.

Tell your husband that it's not happening - you're the one giving birth, you call the shots.

Do you get to invite your family to sit and wait and congratulate him immediately when he has his vascetomy?

Seriously, birth is a medicalised process, that is very open ended on duration, and physical toll. Just because there's a cute baby at the end, it doesn't stop it from being a very intense, personal and intimate process.

It was much better the second time when only the people providing childcare knew I was in labour than when news naturally leaked during the long build up of labour with my first. By lunch time the next day there were a lot of worried people. Although it wasn't on our minds as there was too much going on, it's not something you need in the background.

Only involve people who will support you on your own terms.

@pumpkinpie01

I can't believe the midwives allowed that to happen, that's a disgrace, your poor friend. Her dp should have told his family to bigger off.

Whilst I understand- you've requested to have your Mum there as a backup, but he can't have anyone? I'd imagine that would be difficult for him to understand, and would potentially look like you were prioritising your family over his.

OP, I'd tell him that if he insisted on his DM and DGM being in the waiting room, that is where he would also be.

(I would also tell him that if I wanted my DM there, she would be there, because I am the one about to give birth and he is not. Any carping about it not being faaaaaaaair for me to have my mum there but he not having his would be met with derision. The one giving birth gets to decide who can be in the room and [other than medical professionals obviously] everyone else can take their opinions and shove them somewhere unpleasant.)

Just no. Giving birth is a HUGE thing. There is NO WAY I would have wanted someone in the waiting room ready to swoop in. YOU are the one giving birth and what you want GOES. Just say NO, no more dialogue, no more discussion. It does not matter if it offends or hurts someone. If his family are so selfish that they think their wishes trump the welfare of a woman giving birth for the first time, then you are NOT going to pander to that. You can contact them when you feel ready to see them. If that is 5 mins after giving birth, fine. If that is 5 days after, fine. Your choice and you will let them know.

@SD1978

But her mum isn't going to be there to see the baby. She is there to support her through the Labour, help her. If that's what OP needs then that's what she gets.

The MIL would be there to see the baby. Not for the mother. No consideration for the mother. It's just "I want I want I want" over seeing the baby. She can damn well wait until the labour is over and mum is in a fit state of visitors. If her husband can't grasp that then he shouldn't be having a kid. Sometimes you need to put other people first, and he needs to put the feeling of the labouring woman above the feeling a of his interfering family.

All he needs to understand is that it's not about him. He needs to put his wife first and his own needs in the background. Unfortunately, an awful lot of men find this very hard to do, because we live in a world which has been set up to prioritise men's wishes and feelings over those of women.

OP you really need to be firm with him about this. If he has always shown himself to be a nice man and a good partner, then it's possible that his current behaviour is down to him being nervous and not actually all that keen to attend the birth. This is OK if he can be honest about it: some people are really squeamish and it's a bit unreasonable to insist that they are present if the idea frightens or revolts them. It might be a better thing for you to have just your mum with you and H can wait in the hospital canteen or something, so he can be with you very soon after the birth.

But if he has a history of selfish, controlling behaviour then you need to consider this and how you are going to make sure he doesn't get to bully you, and if the relationship is worth continuing. An awful lot of abusive men ramp up the abuse once they've got the woman pregnant, on the grounds that she is now more vulnerable and dependent...

I'd be off designing invitations "To Anyone Who May Be Interested" and asking him to go find more people he feels should be welcome to treat my first born as a performance!

I would also remind him to reserve one for himself, no ticket no attendance!

he can't have anyone? I'd imagine that would be difficult for him to understand
You must think OP's partner is as thick as shit then.

I'm so glad this thread exists! My DH wants something similar. I get on really well with my MIL and she says she'd go straight home afterwards and wouldn't even try to see the baby. But he can't understand the pressure I would feel knowing she's there as he says I'd never even have to see her. I'm fed up of trying to justify how I feel, I shouldn't have to! I'll definitely be showing him this thread if he tries to bring it up again.

I've never heard of any hospital encouraging you to have two birthing partners. Only one person I know has had their mum there, everyone else just them and their DH.

YANBU! Maybe say to your H, imagine being tired and uncomfortable for 9 months. Then imagine being in the worst pain of your life for up to 2 or 3 days. Then right at the end, a watermelon explodes out of your arsehole. And just as you are being handed your reward for the whole ordeal, my mum and gran stroll in and whisk it away from you, just as the nurses are mopping the blood from your naked body. Sound appealing? Didn't think so.

Tell him nobody is allowed wait, there is no waiting room due to refurbishments in November and nobody is allowed wait because it just put added pressure on patients!

Then put it out of your mind. I don’t know why you would need your mother at the birth but it’s nice they are allowing it.

Do these bloody women have nothing better to do than to wait around for hours? Who knows how long your labour will take. All they care about is seeing the baby as though he/she is an object to be admired. If they cared about your wellbeing and that of the baby's, they would give you as much time and space as you needed. I can't stand grown adults who behave like excitable children.

Your husband is putting their wishes above yours. Tell him he needs to support you and your wishes at this time. Not treat you like a crazy pregnant woman who should be humoured. The way men behave at times like this can create feelings of resentment that last for years and can sometimes make or break a relationship.

Tell him it's not an episode of Friends.
I would actually love for them to be sat in a hospital waiting room for 3 days and nights if you are induced. Just left there. Then told baby is here safely and visiting time is the day after 7-8pm.
I would act dumb and say if you want to sit there all night and day with no food or drink, rather than at home in comfort, and no chance of seeing me or the baby any sooner, crack on.

Christ this kind of shit makes my blood boil. I don't understand the way people lose their minds and have to see a baby fresh out of the womb. I could think of nothing worse than watching someone give birth.
TV programmes have a lot to answer for.

It's for this reason me and DH snuck off to the hospital for the birth. MIL copped on after a few hours and kept ringing our phones. DH told her where we were and she wanted to come to the hospital. Was told not to. Kept ringing and ringing for hours. I vaguely remember shouting at DH to turn his ducking phone off when I was pushing. Then she rang my mum to try and rope her in to going to the hospital with her. My mum knew better and wouldn't dream of rocking up to the hospital. Thank God DS wasn't born until 11pm that night so she couldn't get in to visit until the next morning

OP put your foot down. This is the start of things to come with your MIL overstepping boundaries. As Mumsnet would say, you have a DH problem.

Before anyone says, yes I know I will be a MIL one day. Taking tips from my MIL at present re: how not to be a MIL and to not make everything all about myself and my wants.

yes I understand family are excited to meet the new baby. My family were every bit as excited and dying to meet baby but were able to put my needs first.

If I could do it over I wouldn't have any visitors at hospital and certainly won't be doing this time. There's the potential for you to be sat with a bag of wee hanging down and no knickers on pouring blood while everyone watches- don't do it!

my family did this when i had a CS. they were all waiting in the hospital cafe when i was in recovery. felt like i had to hurry up the time in recovery and ask to be put onto ward an hour early just so they would see DD. im still really mad about it now as they were uninvited!

I think I would be cross enough to say crack on and wait then. If they want to sit in the cafe good on them. Your only worry is the DH will let them know as soon as baby arrives, but the medical team should be able to hold them at bay until you are ready. On the other hand he could be traumatised like my DH, poor love , and have to be allowed a little quiet time after it all anyway.

Personally I couldn't have cared who was there during the birth, if the bloke in the onsite Marks & Spencer could offer pain relief I would have welcomed him with open arms . DH was in shock really so was not much help in general, I had enough to concentrate on and found I only needed me (and the medical professionals of course). I don't know if my DM would have been any better really. I wouldn't have wanted them both faffing around and I love them both dearly.

You may be lucky and labour really kicks in early evening, both mine did this and in both cases by the time both baby and I were clean and presentable we were whisked up to the ward, DH said goodnight as we went in as all the other mothers were sleeping, and off he went. No time or place for visitors until the next day.

This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard!

They are entirely intruding on your birthing experience by being anywhere in the hospital. Your DH needs to focus on you & your needs.

😋 please show him this thread!