DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

No need for them to wait in the wiring room especially if they live 5 mins away. I wouldn't have wanted my mum and my dp there. I just had my mum the first time as I was on my own, the second time I had my partner and no one's parents or grandparents expected to be in the hospital with us.

This would be crazy, even if you actually wanted it. Both times it was hours after I gave birth before I was moved to a ward, and it was the middle of the night both times so no visiting anyway.

First time I was taken away to theatre for stitches. Second time I had stitches in labour room but DS got put in a heated air bed because he wasn't regulating his temp, while I tried to express colostrum. So no visitors wanted and they wouldn't have been allowed anyway.

100% no

When your DH is the one giving birth and is the patient, he can choose who he has there. Your body, your choice. Don't be pressured into becoming merely a birthing vessel with no voice.

You might like to remind him that he has no rights to be there actually... and you may choose to have your mother as your only birthing partner if he can't be supporting and have your best interests at heart.

My friend allowed exactly this after feeling under pressure and she really wished that she hadnt, they were dashing in before she'd been stitched up she was annoyed, emotional and obviously totally worn out. Stick to your guns !

If this is the pressure you are getting before baby arrives, I’d be worrying about the in laws involvement once baby is here. It’s your first child and you should be concentrating on baby and you first and foremost. You don’t need extra pressure. Good luck OP!

I do not get the fascination with having family insisting in being in the delivery room with you. Believe me you will want to be left alone during labour, and too many people in the room causes more pressure on the midwife looking after you.

In my Trust, it's not normal to have all these people waiting around for hours, they normally visit on the ward when baby is born. If this was me have your other half only, family can visit afterwards.

They only live five minutes away so there is really no need for them to be sitting outside the delivery room. It sounds like a bit of competitive grandparenting to me, having heard your mum will be on the spot. In your position I'd talk to them and explain you want your mum there for a bit of moral support and you'll call them to let the know when you go into labour and then let them know when the baby's born so they can come over as soon as you are ready for visitors. Can you give them a job to do so they feel useful? Talk to them yourself. You really don't need to explain the mechanics of childbirth to two mothers and I just want to add at this point that I had two lovely, straightforward births so it won't necessarily be a bloodbath (wish more people had said this to me at the time then I wouldn't have wasted so much time worrying!)

I wish I could answer every AIBU re delivery/newborn question at once, with a heartfelt:

BE AS UNREASONABLE AS YOU LIKE - YOU ARE GIVING BIRTH / A BRAND NEW MUM

Fuck everyone else for the foreseeable. Take care of YOU and your baby. This time is crucial. All will be well if you and bubs are well, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Your DH needs to step up, it's not about him or his mummy right now.

Why would an old person even want to be there? Hospitals are germy

Words fail me...

Honestly OP, write on your notes /birthplan that you 100% do not want people at the hospital and are banning visitors for the first 24 hours. IF anybody turns up, you will extend it to 48 hours. And then show her it, in black and white and say the hospital have agreed 100% as it is YOU that is the patient.

And when you suspect you are going into labour, take your husbands phone , turn it onto silent and "accidentally" stuff it down the sofa. Hide yours in your bag and tell him you need to go the hospital DO NOT LET HIM TELL HIS MOTHER!! and if he does, I would ban him from the delivery room for not supporting me and wanting to ruin my plans.

I had both my DM and DP with me during labour. DP isn't a very good advocate. He is completely oblivious most of the time and that isn't good when you need someone to speak up for you when you can't.

My DM was focused on me. My needs. My wellbeing. She helped carry me to the shower and wash me. She helped insure I had pain relief when DP wouldn't have even gone out of his way to ask a MW because he "didn't want to rock the boat."

I love my MIL. Truly.
But DP is her son. And in the same way that my mother is always in my corner, she will always be in his.

When I am bleeding, crying and out of it, I want people that I know will help me.
I wasn't comfortable with my MIL seeing my vagina. I wasn't comfortable with her helping me shower or breastfeed. Therefore, she had to wait until the next day to visit. (Birth at 7pm, on ward by midnight. She visited at midday)

OP, you need to make sure that your DH isn't texting your MIL and GMIL as they may see this as a greenlight to arrive the second the baby pops out. Regardless is stitches or medical time. They are five minutes away! They can wait until you are strong enough to see them.

It boggles the mind that your MIL can't remember how vulnerable someone is during/after labour.

Maybe show your DH some labour videos? Or one born every minute? That might set him straight!

Is he on glue? Get your boundaries straight now, otherwise your life will be ruled by your inlaws

Tell your DH that having a baby is not a spectator sport. He is being incredibly insensitive to your needs.

Personally I would suggest one birth partner is fine, and nobody waits at the hospital. As to how long before visitors, assuming this is the U.K., it will be a couple of hours realistically - there more to giving birth, placenta, most people have some stitches, I took a much needed bath though sometimes only a shower is available, baby checks need to be done - it's at this point you normally move room and only then can you have visitors (even if the hospital allows visitors in the delivery room, use this as an excuse!). I was really ready for visitors as my dd conveniently timed her arrival not to clash with sleep and was pretty sharpish at 6 hours)

When he pushes a small person out of his lower parts he can decide who gets to attend

Book his vasectomy and let your mum watch. Bring popcorn.

No need for them to be there. Especially if they live 5 minutes away. No need to even tell them when you go into labour especially if there are no other children that need minding while you are inside.

I think I would be having a very honest conversation with your other half about making you the priority. It really doesn't matter to them if they find out an hour after the baby is born or 5 minutes.

I would consider disinviting him if he kept it up tbh.

I think the talk of birth partners is off point, my reading is mil and granny don't want to be actually in the labour ward but waiting in some (imaginary) waiting room, similar to a film set, so DH gets to run in and shout "its a girl" like he is Ross from Friends or Steve Martin.

Does your DH live his entire life on an imaginary film set in other ways? Must be exhausting. Oh and you have a pretty much unanimous YANBU which should tell you something!

Your DH is obviously a plank but baffled as to why the older women are going along with this plan presumably both having given birth themselves?

This triggers memories of my first labour I think I went slightly mad and locked myself in the bathroom of the labour ward. The midwife and DH were coaxing me out using voices used for mad people balancing on the edge of buildings. I just shouted "FUCK OFF" as I had this urge to be totally on my own and they were frankly both getting right on my nerves.

Oh god! No, just no. Your partner is behaving like a prick.

Kerala - I wanted to be on my own during my labour. Fortunately I managed to get rid of my birth partner (my mother) who seemed to think her job was to make small talk with the midwife. And the MW mostly left me alone in a bath until the end.

I only had my husband with me and refused to let anyone go to the hospital.
I don't think all first labours tend to be long, I was in the hospital at 3am and had him at 11.

My husbands mum however did disregard our request for people to not be at the hospital and was waiting in the car park, so she visited within an hour of him being born, and I ended up blacking our and becoming unwell whilst they were in the room, so it's not a good idea to have people here immediately I think.

Next time (if) I have a baby, I'm not going to accept visitors for a few days after the birth, it's very overwhelming.

Exactly what SilverBirchTree said.
None of them matter, it's about you and what you need to to do to get through it.
Hopefully your DP will work out that he needs to support you.
Don't give in to his ridiculous idea.
Labour can take days and if things go a bit awry there can already be a cast of thousands, without unnecessary 'support crew' hanging around for no purpose.
They can wait at home, like everybody else (who is not actually involved in the conception or the birth) is usually happy to do.
Um, and why does he need his Mum and Nan there??