DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

I gave birth for the first time when I was 20 and didn't know any better. MIL waited outside and then barged in to the delivery room straight afterwards. She didn't even give me chance to be wheeled back to the ward. We are not and have never been close. I lay there unable to move from the epidural, recovering, blood all over the floor, while she met her grandson. The sheer selfishness still winds me up two decades later. Stand your ground OP.

I grew up quickly and it would never ever happen now.

I presume there is some sort of reason unique to you why they said you need two birth partners one female.
This is not usual .
Neither is it usual for a grown woman who has had a child themselves- your MiL and her mum to want to mither another woman who has given birth by hanging around a labour ward.

DS was born at 9pm, then I had to be taken to surgery to be stitched as I tore so badly. DS was taken to picu ( as a precaution as they thought he had an infection) , luckily he was OK but we weren't reunited in the ward until about midnight. Visitors would not be allowed then.

Turning up to wait at the hospital is bonkers

When you go into labour, just before you tell him, hide his phone.

Please tell me where his comment was not serious? He's an adult about to be a father, not an 11 year old having privileges confiscated!

*that this not where this

My hospita didn't have any waiting space so it might not even be feasible for them to wait. However you are the one doing the work and I see needed a day before I was ready to see visitors.

I think this thread will do the job for you, OP. Show it to your husband - if you think his self-esteem can stand it! He has, quite rightly, taken a pretty serious metaphorical beating here. OP's husband, if you do read this, please get a grip.

He's an adult about to be a father, not an 11 year old having privileges confiscated!

He is? Maybe it's time he started acting like it then...

I had my DP and my grandma at my birth. It's entirely YOUR choice. DP would have rather wait my nan wasn't there, but he didn't have a say.

I had a c section and didn’t allow any visitors until day 2. Even then I would have preferred to be left alone with DH and bub as I was in a lot of pain and boobs hanging out trying to establish BFing.
People who barge in are being selfish and not thinking about what is best for the mum. Your husband should be supporting you not your unreasonable MIL

Your DH needs to grow up. He is about to become a father so you and his child need to take priority over his mother, grandmother and everyone else. If he hasn’t grasped this fact your relationship won’t survive for long once you have a child.

You are the one giving birth. It’s your body so there is no ‘we’ about what happens during the birth. You need to start explaining that he and your mum are there to support you in whatever way is needed including holding sick bowls etc. You don’t want his mum there so she can’t be there if you put it in your birth plan.

Most maternity units are chaotic because they are understaffed and constantly busy. There is no waiting room except for women giving birth. It isn’t unusual to have to wait for a bed to become available at peak times.

If the birth is straightforward you will be home after a day (MIL may not be aware of this). You will need help with shopping, meals prepared, cleaning and laundry. It will be far more helpful if MIL can make a few meals for when you come home than hang around the hospital.

NCT will definitely enlighten him.

For me it isn’t about “getting cleaned up” or “dignity” etc, it is about the freedom to completely get into your own zone, and relax. Hine birth midwives know that leaving the room, not standing round chatting within earshot all increase the chances of the woman being in her personal zone. It feels like your own little birthing nest. You need to be able to relax, Concentrate on your breathing, your music, whatever. ANY form of clock watching or spectator will interfere. And relatives waiting outside are both.

It’s a shame the midwife at the hospital didn’t emphasise the choices of the birthing mother being paramount instead of her quite prescriptive recommendation.

You could ask your DH if he feels frightened or apprehensive and wants his Mum there to support him. My DH was worried that he would not know what to do as a birth partner. He calmed down after I told him nothing, just be there and if there is anything you should actually do I will tell you.

Where I'm from it's very normal to have two birthing partners.
Most women choose to have their partner and their mother.

Absolutely no way would I accept my DP pushing me to accept an audience of family members.

The birth of your child is something that only happens once. It shouldn't be ruined by unwanted visitors before you've even had a chance to get to know your baby.

YANBU

You need your DH ‘present ‘, too, not texting the minute the baby is born.

This isn’t just about the ‘horror stories’, it applies to the first few minutes of a routine birth, keeping the baby ‘skin to skin’ , keeping a level of quiet around your baby who is used to muffled noise only and hasn’t been in the light before.

I let my babies lie on my tummy, and then start to suckle as soon as they could, following their instinct. If possible, let your baby feel your skin, smell your smell. All this is intensely private: experienced midwives / medical staff will let you get on with this while they get on with their jobs.

Not good for a man not to respect his partner’s choices about birth,and privacy, and prioritise his and his family’s (odd) wishes. Doesn’t bode well for his attitudes on equality and for the relationship.

Why would an old person even want to be there? Hospitals are germy AF it's not like you have a time the baby will be born! Bizarre

I had my husband and my sister. They’re close, so it was brilliant because they could take turns to get a break and a sandwich/coffee, and give each other a bit of a hug and support when things got tough.

I wouldn’t have wanted anyone there who I wasn’t reasonably comfortable shitting myself in front of them, if you want a rough guide for the level of intimacy required. If your grandma in law fits that category, great, but otherwise she’s out til you phone to say you’re ready.

I was being stitched for the first hour after delivery anyway, and baby was in NICU for the first 3 hours, and then we went on to the high dependence ward where the midwives were incredibly strict about visitors and wouldn’t have let in anyone I didn’t want to see.

Has your partner seen/been at a birth before? I feel like he might be going to get a bit of a shock. It’s totally doable and was an amazing experience, but it was also brutal and messy and knackering and damaging. You get to say what happens and when re visitors.

If possible, let your baby feel your skin, smell your smell.

Also yes to this but don’t panic if it doesn’t happen. I touched my baby briefly then didn’t meet him for 3 hours because we both needed urgent medical help. I was terrified he’d struggle to breastfeed or bond because of it, but we did brilliantly with both (which was really healing emotionally after a tough delivery).

They'd be foolish to sit and wait. Don't know about each hospital but where I've given birth they don't let visitors on to labour ward. Only birthing partners.

I wasn't moved to the post natal Ward until several hours later by which time visiting hours were over with anyway.

They could end up sitting there for hours and not be able to actually visit til the next day anyway. Makes no sense.

I wonder if the midwife advised at least one female birthing partner because she could tell the H is on the controlling side and/or a man who doesn't really consider women to be people. From everything OP has said about how this H is prioritising his own parents over the woman who is actually going to be giving birth it wouldn't surprise me. Be careful, OP. Have a think about whether you are able to tell your H flatly that what happens in labour is not up to him, and that no one is going to 'obey' him, and that you will be making all the decisions; his job will be to support you rather than taking charge. If you think he will take this badly, then there are further problems ahead.

I can't imagine the hospital being very happy about such a large entourage hanging around.

My hospital didn't have a family waiting room. There's a small room for birthing partners to go If there's a need for them to vacate the room but thats it. Otherwise you have to wait in the car park.

I'm genuinely puzzled about why anyone would want to hang around a hospital for hours especially if they live really close. Why not wait in the comfort of your own home until you know the parents are ready to welcome you and you can meet baby properly?

Didn't even read the OP. No no no!

Surely you can't have visitors on labour ward anyway? Your likely to only be there a few hours after birth so enjoy the time together.

Even if you an have visitors on labour ward (Honestly can't believe any labour ward has the staff numbers to allow / monitor extended family visiting) I think it's extremely selfish on others in the ward as frankly it's not an appropriate environment to have visitors where there's so many other woman in what can be such a vulnerable time.

Never understood why people have to put the needs of others before that of the mother who has likely had a pretty rough time and needs rest.