DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

Your DH is being a selfish idiot. I seriously can not believe he thinks this is a good idea.

Does he realise what you're going to go through? Ask him if he'd like your entire family watching while you pull a pumpkin out of his arse.

Fucking selfish twat.

I'm getting angrier just thinking about this - what a fucking bellend.

Oh dear. This doesn't bode well for the future. Is MIL the dominant type?
Yes have your mum and stick to your guns. I regret being walked all over by MIL right after my children's births. I also resent that their dad let it happen. Have a few hours to yourself. You must start as you mean to go on.

I would suggest you hire a doula and or bring your mum as you need someone who will advocate for you in labour as clearly your DP won’t

My lovely ILs turned up unnoticed 6 hours after I had given birth. This was 30 seconds after I had thrown up and was sitting in a pool of my own vomit and I still couldn’t move/feel my legs due to the spinal I had in theatre. They saw the state of me and quickly excused themselves

Maybe he's upset that your contradicting yourself? You said you want a few hours just the two of you with your baby before family is there but you also want your Mum as a birth partner?

If you're planning on kicking your Mum out a few seconds before the baby comes out then fair enough, otherwise I can kinda see why he'd be a bit upset.

Although them waiting in the waiting room for hours when they lice 5 minutes away seems odd.

*you're

*live

And screw you autocorrect

Your dh mil gil are bizarre and it's truly disturbing they can't see it.

They should be feeling ashamed.

You have no guilt. You concentrate on yourself and baby.

My MiL worked in the hospital kitchen and was on duty when I had DS2. She came up to the maternity floor to give me a kiss for luck and then disappeared. She reappeared after DS2 was born just after midnight and she saw him for the first time in the hallway as they were rolling us to our room. Gave me another kiss, thanked me and blessed the baby then asked me what I wanted to eat. She made me the best turkey club sandwich and chips I've ever had in my life.

I don't understand the problem with someone simply being in the hospital. I didn't feel any 'pressure to perform' because she was there. The baby comes in its own sweet time and if your MiL and GMiL want to sit in a room or cafe, let them. It won't change the outcome.

I told DH for dc1 that he was the only one allowed in the room. He suggested his mum as she'd been present at the other daughter IL's births and so would have experience and be helpful. I said no, I didn't give a rats ass what my SILs did. I rarely agree with them on anything so if they'd done it then it was even clearer that it was not the choice for me!. And if he couldn't be there NO ONE else was allowed, I'd rather be on my own. Even wrote it in my birthing plan. He got the message. Never asked again with dc2 or 3.
Family was outside waiting. They came in after about 10 min of each baby being born. I ignored them, they took turns to hold baby for about 30 secs each and then DH kicked them out. Everybody happy.
This is your birth, yours. You and baby are the only important people in this scenario.

UK hospital's tend not to have waiting areas in delivery wards.

Op I'd ask MIL & GMIL about their births who was there, etc etc remind them that we have modern communications ie mobiles with cameras etc etc. And their couch at home has to be more comfy than a plastic hospital chair as thats what will be in the waiting area if there is one.

If they can't see reason then put your foot down. Tell him your going it alone!
I can only imagine it would be the most liberating thing ever to be free of his nonsense.

My first we told people after the event.
My second my parents had DC1 so knew I was going to hospital to be induced.
A few weeks prior to my date I told ILs that hospital didn't want me going over my date. FIL said "thats not true they let so & so go over her date" I couldn't be assed to argue or explain . They said later we didn't know you were being induced .....if we'd known.....well maybe you should have listened....

Actually my induction went so fast once it got going even DH didn't make it.

AcrossthePond55

If you can’t undertsand then stay out of the conversation :)

OP - stand your ground

If they really want to waste hours of their lives hanging around in a waiting room (if there's even one available), I'd honestly let them get on with it. The whole idea is daft, but in the long run, it won't make a bit of difference. As long as they're not in the room with you, that's the main thing. Tbh, if it goes on for hours and they live close by, they'll end up going home anyway!

Your DH is clearly clueless...I think the birth will be a shock to him and I don't blame you for wanting your Mum there. I'd have happily given birth with just the maternity staff present really, my DH couldn't help in any way. I told him to go away at one point, I couldn't stand the sympathetic faces he was pulling. .

@Batteriesallgone has nailed it in terms of speaking to your MIL
@fiftyshadesofgreymatter has nailed it in terms of your husband

Great advice.

It just used to be a midwife at a birth years ago, now its seems like a lot of people going to the cinema to watch a drama.

I just had two midwives there for my first very difficult birth, and only my husband for my second birth, as he delivered our daughter,in the back of our car at 6.30 am on a freezing cold morning in a very dark old car park..

@moleymoleyOO
Going of experience here

My MIL wanted to 'be outside the birthing room' I said NO then she said she would wait in the car park ! So I told my DH I didn't want her knowing when I went into labour as she is stubborn and would of tried to get in the room! I was induced anyway so from start to finish was just under 24 hours.

THANK GOD, she didn't know I was in labour. I ended up having a severe PPH and wasn't aloud to move for several hours had a catheter bag and had to be washed by a Health visitor. When I was finally aloud to move and have a bath I broke down from the shock of everything. I would never of been able to cope knowing she was outside waiting

My DH rang her the second DD was born and she was screaming her head of down the phone whilst the doctors were trying to save my life. I heard it all and was SO embarrassed! She put her needs before mine or our DD's and I will never forgive her for that!!

I had my mum and DH in the room and I would never of got through it without them there.

Tell your MIL and GMIL you understand how they feel and don't want them to feel they are excluded but as you don't know how it's going to go and because you want skin to skin with baby you will let them know the second you are ready for visitors and they will be first ones in!, they very very rarely will let anyone other than birthing partners in before visiting hours or you being on the ward anyway unless like me you can't be moved...

Don't worry about it too much, just say no, if they do end up waiting they won't be allowed in unless you say so. When you go to the ward they may not be able to visit if it's not visiting hours. If you tell the staff you don't want visitors they won't let them in.

Say that you will have who you want there (in the delivery suite and waiting outside) when you give birth, and when he gives birth he gets to choose who he wants there...

Just adding to the chorus of no's on this thread. Your body, your choice. Even he isn't an automatic shoo-in, and perhaps you should remind him of that. You're the patient, and he is there to support YOU.

She came up to the maternity floor to give me a kiss for luck and then disappeared

This MIL is planning on standing outside the door with her nose pressed up against the glass for the whole labour. Bit different!

They wouldn’t have been allowed in at any of the hospitals I gave birth in. Can you have a word with your midwife when your dh isn’t around & find out the score?

Have you asked him why he is being so intransigent about this? Is he secretly terrified and feels he might need support himself?

You still definitely need to do what works for you though; I had this issue with my ils who made several rude remarks about other people's dil's being ready for visitors four hours after their caesarean and it made me feel pretty crap when I definitely was not. To hell with that! I should have been a lot more assertive looking back.

It’s great your DH wants them there and when HE is the one in labour HE can have them there. But this is YOUR labour, YOU are pregnant, YOU are giving birth. NOT him. You are both going to have a BABY, but only YOU are giving birth. He needs to understand that HE has NO right to be there, let alone invite others.

He is saying WE can do what I want but he doesn’t have to agree

There is no WE CAN DO here, this is YOUR labour. YOU can do what YOU want during YOUR labour. Seriously, get that through his thick head.

There is NO ‘being fair’ - you have who you want there to support you through this.

Grrrr. He’s making me SO angry - as much in anticipation about how unsupportive he’s going to be going forward as about the birth. He needs to get his priorities sorted, he married YOU not his Mum & Gran. YOU will be your baby’s Mum, not them, they don’t get to dictate anything.

What the actual FUCK?

What is wrong with the man?

Words fail me. Tell him to stfu and grow a pair.

And no, you don't need two birthing partners, unless that's what you want.

What YOU want is all that matters.

End of.

When you go into labour, just before you tell him, hide his phone.

Your body.

Your pregnancy.

Your choice.