To cancel daughters party??

[Imustbemad00]

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.
My daughter is turning 13 and I’m paying for her and some friends to do an activity and have some food after. Her behaviour the last school year was not great, bad attitude, coming home late, generally not giving a f**k. But so as not to drip feed, at the root of all this are some mental health issues so it’s very hard to find a balance between discipline and empathy.

New school year, great positive attitude, great start to the year. Except coming home late has started to creep in. She’s not allowed out with friends ect, technically grounded for the foreeseable as I can not trust her at the moment because of all the previous issues. I’ve said the trust needs to be built again.
She came home at 6pm twice last week. Lied about why she was late. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was late this week her party would not go ahead. She came in 1hr45mins late today. Of course my head tells me to follow through and cancel the party. But it seems so harsh. I know it’s a lesson that she needs to learn but after initially telling her off it seems she’s really struggling again, she’s quite distressed and the reason she was late is to do with some drama that happened at school that she felt the need to try and sort out after school.l, she has confidence and trust issues and can’t cope with falling out with people. Plus she was upset and when she feels like that she just simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to learn to cope with school drama and friendship issues and rise above it, or take time out to think. Not stand around talking about it basically adding fuel to the fire.

My Aibu is about cancelling th party. I know I should. I know it’s a consequence. She chose to disregard what I said. But she’s so looking forward to it, I think she really needs it, and I worry about her mental health and how it’ll affect her if I cancel. She’s already feeling low.

I think you need to cancel the party. If she actually had an issue and a valid reason for being late home then why didn’t she ring you to tell you? There will always be a reason she’s late but you were very clear about when you wanted her home and she ignored you. Not having her party is a consequence of her actions and something that she had control over.

I wouldn't cancel, especially if she has now just found a 'good group' of friends. The friendship could be very positive for her and may dwindle if her friends are suddenly uninvited.

Sorry, totally ignore my comment, haven't read your OP properly!

I think it's a bit unreasonable to insist she comes straight home - it's normal at 13 to do things after school. As to your threat, I think you need to sit down with her and make new achievable rules - grounding her isn't working; my suggestion is that she tells you where she is and has a deadline of 6pm to be home (perhaps earlier in mid winter) so she can spend time with friends, on condition her grades are kept up and she studies in the evening

I would follow through and cancel. Choices have consequences.

However you could give her the chance to "earn" it back for say halloween by behaving/not being late in the interim.

Imustbemad00

Sounds like you had a good chat and making headway.

As parents it's OK to admit to our children that we made a bad call, we got it wrong, in fact I think it is useful to model to our children that we are not perfect, that we can have second thoughts, that we have acted in haste- and communicate that to our children.

It will serve them as a useful skill in years to come.

Even at 13 a child is old enough to understand that we sometimes make wrong decisions- but there are often reasons behind that- frustration, anger, concern etc.

And we can negotiate- sometimes they may want to meet up with friends after school- and that will be fine a couple of times a week, as long as - A- They let you know that is happening and B What time they will be back.

This is how responsible adults behave- if my OH is going to be late- he will text or call, then tell me the time he will expect to be home.
It's corteous behaviour.

If we treat our kids as responsible individuals then they will behave as such.
If we treat our kids like wayward naughty kids they will behave as such.

Hoping previous posters will read this. So had a chat with dd on Tuesday. Said party could go ahead, I’m going to start giving her a bit more freedom and give her a chance to prove she can be trusted again. Said we would start off maybe an hour after school once a week and see how she goes and gradually increase as the trust builds. Explained the importance of switching her phone on even if she knows she’s done wrong.

Yesterday I phoned her after school she asked me if she could go to the shops with her friend. The centre they were going to is really rough but I said yes anyway. She said she would be home at 5. I said 5 l.15 at latest. She came home at 5.25. Not a great start but we were in contact and I knew where she was.

Today, day before party, school text to say she has detention. She’ll be dismissed at 4.45. Takes 20mins max to get home. She’s not home. Her phone is off. Where do I go from here?? This is why she was grounded with no ending. Because I knew this would happen. What’s the point in grounding her for a week now?? She’ll just keep doing it. I’d rather just say she can’t be trusted full stop. She’s not allowed out anymore and we’re back to square one 😔. I feel really let down and foolish that she’s done this the day before the party.

Why was she in detention?

I have no idea. Talking in the corridor I guess. It’s a 3 strikes thing and she already had 2.

She sounds a very unhappy girl.

I'm gutted for you OP.
She's probably not home because she knows she's really messed up. I don't know what you can do now, I really don't. You should probably cancel the party, she's giving you no choice. They are their own worst enemies, some teens, just digging their holes deeper and deeper and we still end up feeling like the bad guy even though we try to give them so many chances to make a comeback.

Tell her
You having the party
It s your birthday I love you and I cherish these 13 years.i want to celebrate them and show I love you
But after we going to start again and theses are the rules and consequences.

Good idea cestlavie. Have you had teens before? :)
It's a way to show you fully love and support her but are not going to take any more crap. I like it.

Turns out she had a double detention. The school gave me the wrong information. So she didn’t get dismissed until 5.30. She still took an hour to come home though when it takes 15 mins so I’m still equally disappointed. She knew I’d be annoyed and didn’t make the effort to hurry up home.

Ask her if she still wants the party. If so, I'd still have the party for the reasons Pineapple outlined above.
However she needs to agree its a trust issue. You are giving the party but she needs to repay that trust with you and agree actions to pay back the trust over the next month. Also agree a list of chores around the house, texting where she is. If she is shopping get her to pick up some stuff for you etc.

I can’t cancel now. It’s too last minute, embarrassing to explain to other parents and not fair on other children. She doesn’t seem to think she’s done much wrong.

@mylearnedfriend I get that. I honestly do. But I can’t cancel with less than 24 hours notice. I only have contact details for two of the other parents for a start.

OP how did you react when your daughter came home tonight?

What was her mood when she came in the door?

Did you talk?

Have the party and enjoy it.

Work on these time keeping issues next week.

Think up some juicy carrots.

This is long haul. Cancelling now is pointless.

Please don’t cancel.
Sometimes problem behaviour is just that: behaviour. Then behaviour training, through consequences and rewards, will work. It is mostly the case with younger children.

Mostly behaviour is just a symptom of something else. Punishing the behaviour won’t make it change because the underlying problem is still there. All you do is make your child miserable.

You have said yourself that your child has mental health issues. Trust your motherly instinct. She doesn’t need punishment. Punishment won’t work- as you have found. Supporting her emotional and mental health and helping her to feel good about herself is what will lead to a change.

Have the party and enjoy it.

I would pick her up from school and take her straight home every day. She has abused your trust yet again. She clearly isn't learning and doesn't appear to give a shit either. I wouldn't cancel the party but she wouldn't be allowed to come home by herself as she is unable to stick to a reasonable, pre agreed time.

Streambeam

I agree.

It sounds as if the OPs relationship with her DD is in need of repair.

It won't be fixed by punishment.