To cancel daughters party??

[Imustbemad00]

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.
My daughter is turning 13 and I’m paying for her and some friends to do an activity and have some food after. Her behaviour the last school year was not great, bad attitude, coming home late, generally not giving a f**k. But so as not to drip feed, at the root of all this are some mental health issues so it’s very hard to find a balance between discipline and empathy.

New school year, great positive attitude, great start to the year. Except coming home late has started to creep in. She’s not allowed out with friends ect, technically grounded for the foreeseable as I can not trust her at the moment because of all the previous issues. I’ve said the trust needs to be built again.
She came home at 6pm twice last week. Lied about why she was late. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was late this week her party would not go ahead. She came in 1hr45mins late today. Of course my head tells me to follow through and cancel the party. But it seems so harsh. I know it’s a lesson that she needs to learn but after initially telling her off it seems she’s really struggling again, she’s quite distressed and the reason she was late is to do with some drama that happened at school that she felt the need to try and sort out after school.l, she has confidence and trust issues and can’t cope with falling out with people. Plus she was upset and when she feels like that she just simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to learn to cope with school drama and friendship issues and rise above it, or take time out to think. Not stand around talking about it basically adding fuel to the fire.

My Aibu is about cancelling th party. I know I should. I know it’s a consequence. She chose to disregard what I said. But she’s so looking forward to it, I think she really needs it, and I worry about her mental health and how it’ll affect her if I cancel. She’s already feeling low.

I’ve bought her an iPhone, she doesn’t know

Great, that will be a good bargaining tool.

I'd draw up a written contract with her when you give it too her. I did this with my DC - it was light hearted but serious at the same time. The kids were always so delighted with their new device they were happy to agree to anything.

I think you would be foolish not to have parental controls and find my phone set up on it.

If she know you will monitor her usage then hopefully it will help her be sensible.

She knew what the consequences would be and chose to come in late anyways. Absolutely cancel. In future I wouldn’t use birthdays as a threat but I do think you need to follow through.

It sounds to me like your daughter needs some tough love, unfortunately it's your job to give it but in the long run you are protecting her and helping her onto the right path. That's what mothers do. You aren't her friend you are her mother.

I've had a similar thing with my teenager. I've had to make some tough decisions. Several in-fact before I started to get through the seriousness of the situation. You have to take these opportunities and stick to your guns. You are the adult here. They learn eventually, yes sometimes the hard way. She has to earn your trust. She may not fully understand what that actually means. Maybe she is just a bit to immature for some situations? That's not a put down it could be fact. She is still very young and impressionable. She needs positive influences at this stage.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Stay strong, remember you are the parent doing your best.

My daughter has mental health issues and is on the spectrum. A lot of parenting advice, (be stricter, be stricter) only made things worse. Really kids are not all the same and do not all react the same!

My son is only 8, he is also adopted but he is Nuero typical and I can be much stricter with him than dd, because he gets it.

"She took it on board, she is sensible at heart l, she’s just got a lot going on and is going down the wrong path. If something happens at school she just loses all perspective." It sounds like you really connected that is great.

"I just don’t hold out much hope, I know that sounds bad. But every time I get my hopes up something goes wrong." OK, hang on in there, small steps. Please do not let her know you don't have faith in her. Even if you may be right! Show her very clearly that good behaviour will get rewards but more than that that her doing the right thing will make her feel good. Make her feel proud of herself. She makes it home on time, despite issues at school or whatever, not just I am proud of you, but you must be proud of yourself. You handled that well etc. Its bloody hard work but the negative grind of stick stick stick does not build up but juicy carrot on juicy carrot can work wonders with some.

Good luck. Lovely thread.

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.

Why the hell do people open their posts like this? Does anyone really think it will endear them to other posters?

Don't make threats which you can't carry out. Empty threats / promises always undermine your relationship. You are teaching her that your words mean nothing. Not a good start to the teens.

Why the hell do people open their posts like this? Does anyone really think it will endear them to other posters?

Nice helpful post not.

Could it possibly be beyond the realms of imagination that by saying that, the op is signalling that she is very distressed about this situation and extremely stressed about the welfare of her teen who has mh issues and that she is having a tough time dealing with it all and any harsh criticism by other posters might just send her over the edge? Could that be it I wonder CoughLaughFart?

As others have said, it's a shame you made a threat that you can't carry out, but you're human - and it's not a bad thing for your daughter to see that. You can always tell her that on reflection, you feel you were wrong to use your birthday as a punishment. You're sorry you did, and you want her to have that day because you love her and want to celebrate that day. Then start afresh like you mentioned, giving her hope and letting her earn back some of the privileges that make life bearable for a 13 year-old. Hang in there. You clearly love each other, and you sound like a fantastic mother.

Being a strict parent does not make us abusive parents. We are only teaching our children that there are consequences to their actions and that there will be punishments when they break the rule.

How else can you prepare your child for adulthood, they can not raise themselves that is why as I always tell my DD "I am the parent and you are the child, I have had the life experience and you are just starting to learn from me".

My mom used to say "be the woman you want your daughter to grow up to be".

Beaverhausen

Because punishment is not far reaching enough. I want my kids to learn good behaviour makes an impact on others. I want my kids to know that staying out late causes others to worry, may put them in danger, nay cause an inconvenience and impact on the plans of others who may be waiting on them, is not showing respect to someone who may have cooked for them or had to eat later than dinner time because of their impact.

Punishment teaches children to fear punishment- and that's it.
It also teaches them to lie in order to wriggle out of punishment.

I want my children to make the right choices for good reasons, not because they fear punishment.

CoughLaughFart the OP has shown us who she is. A caring, concerned parent with a lot on her plate. Your comment comes across as very petty and undermining. Is that what you intended?

speakout very good post. I do believe in consequences but always fearing punishment is not a good motivator.

Italiangreyhound ..... love your post and advice.

Coughlaughfart ..... well aren't you a joy! Wonderful helpful post - not!

Beaver . . I'm no way saying being strict is abusive! If being strict works in your family and for your kids then great you've cracked it. Go for it. No problem with that at all. We all parent in different ways.
But in this case being a bit too strict and focusing on negatives isn't working for the OP and her dd at present so some of us are suggesting other ways to handle it.
No judgement here if you're strict and it's working

Not rtft, but under normal circumstances I would be saying you need to follow through on your punishment. However, as a sufferer of mental health problems myself I am going to say that on this occasion you shouldn't.

Maybe sit down with her and tell her you aren't cancelling the party but that she needs to choose an alternative suitable privilege to lose for a week.

I am inclined also to say that you need to better communicate with her and find a joint approach to managing her behaviour. Blanket grounding doesn't work. She is at a vulnerable age so maybe more of a "if you are late tomorrow without telling me why on advance I will be collecting you from reception at school tomorrow"

Coughlaughfart ..... well aren't you a joy! Wonderful helpful post - not!

Congratulations on being Little Miss Helpful. Do you want a bun or something?

What is being strict?
Is it the same as being harsh?

Please explain someone.

Having just been through teen years with DD with MH issues I think that keeping the conversation open is the most important thing you can do.
As she gets older you need to move gently from telling, to consultation and discussion. It's the only way to gain and keep trust between you. And you need that if she's going to lean on you when she needs support.

So I'd suggest sitting down with her, explaining your dilemma and seeing what she thinks is reasonable and agree a compromise. 'I said if you did x then I'd cancel the party. That seems quite harsh but I was trying to get you to understand how important it is to me that you come home in a reasonable time, that's why i threatened you with that sanction. You need to understand that there are consequences when you don't do what is needed. How shall we sort this out? what seems fair do you think?' take it from there. discuss and agree what is reasonable. and make sure you really listen to what she says.

Climbing down from a threat made in haste/anger is fine as long as you explain why and don't leave the situation entirely un-managed you won't lose control, authority or respect. In fact, it shows that you are flawed human who is willing to concede sometimes - and that is a valuable quality that she can learn from.

this could be a really positive turning point. good luck!

Strict is having firm boundaries, but fair. Harsh is unkind and focuses on who is right (often incorrectly) rather than working to get the desired result through people skills.

Punishment is generally favoured by stupid, unimaginative people in the first place. Same with too much emphasis on rules that are meaningless, or which are only put in place because the stupid parent has picked up some half-assed idea that good parenting involves enforcing obedience. Never make a rule you can't explain or justify, and remember that the older DC get, the more decisions they get to make for themselves, whether you like it or not.

"...I had a similar issue about lateness and all the tellings-off and punishments just set up conflict. Then I said I worry about you because I love you, I'm not just making rules to hurt you, I want to know you are OK. I know sometimes you might be late but please let me know. Amazed when it worked, I must say. But it did."

Like Toxic, this was the approach I took with my 13 year old son when he started pushing his boundaries and sauntering in late. If you pitch the right tone of maternal concern, it reminds them that you do love them, and you're not just yelling at them, or telling them what to do all of the time just for the sake of hearing your own voice... My son now calls when he's going to be late, whether from school or hanging out with his friends (who all tend to chip in on the call, too). As a boy, he probably gets a bit of teasing... but he's learning to be considerate to my feelings, which will help him be considerate towards those of his future partner(s). So, as Toxic said... it does work.

My daughter also has MH issues which have caused a lack of trust towards her/her behaviour. However, with some MH issues, you have to remember that they're not acting out because they necessarily want to push boundaries, but rather that it's an impulse which they can't control. The fact that your daughter was late because she "felt the need to" sort some drama which had happened during school hours, outside of them, suggests that she's reacting to her impulses instead of thinking things through clearly. My daughter does the same. And as a mother, it's maddening. But at the same time, I have to be able to separate her impulsive recklessness (she also puts herself into dangerous situations and won't be talked out of doing so... but she's 22 now, so I've had to step away and let her learn, as much as I can). Like you, I've also been made to feel like a shit parent... so I certainly won't be calling you one. You're doing your best. The fact that you've turned to a forum to ask for advice, because you're torn about what to do... that alone says you're not a bad mum!

With regards to the party and cancelling it... perhaps have a conversation with her and give her the option of either cancelling it, or having some other punishment instead. At 13, they're desperate to be seen as young adults rather than children, so perhaps she'd welcome the opportunity to help you decide upon her consequence. Good luck, OP. &

Coughlaughfart bun would be lovely right now tbh. And a nice strong coffee

If the school is telling you to collect her because they have safeguarding concerns that is what I would be doing. Did I read that correctly above? It sounds to me like some one on one time with you doing something pleasant and bonding- like just listening to her- could be a way forward? The collecting shouldn't be pitched as a sanction but an opportunity to re-engage. Can you manage this with your other children? I think it might be a way to restart your communication lines. Just a thought.

Young people often find serious one to one, face to face talk difficult.
Sometimes best to text, often they will open up during a long drive, while swimming, bowling, even shopping.