9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

[birdladyfromhomealone]

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

Maybe a buy a book on their culture just to read up.

Hopefully the daughter in law's family will make some effort although in my experience of situations across cultural divides the giving of understanding is all on one side .

OP, you may genuinely believe you are solely in the right and your son is being totally unreasonable.

What I have to ask you is- is sticking to your principles worth it? Is insisting that your son isn't entitled to his feelings improving your life? People do not go NC for a bit of light entertainment. They go NC because they are genuinely hurt and find their family members impossibly difficult to cope with.

You may not think his reaction is reasonable but you will have to listen to his feelings and change the way you treat him, if you want him to be willing to spend time with you again.

So sorry to hear this OP.

Your DIL sounds ungrateful and controlling. Her family sound awful and bigoted and it was extremely rude of them all to turn up expecting lunch when you were expecting a far smaller number.

I can’t believe some of the vile unkind posts on here. I would post on gransnet as you will get a far kinder response there.

I hope you can resolve this. Take care of yourself.

Nope I said that I've experienced this with Muslim and non-muslims marrying. I didn't say I assumed that this was the situation with op

OP, if you're still about, ask yourself this:

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Your honest answer will help you decide how to proceed.

CesiraandEnrico I'm actually in tears at your post. 4 years NC with a mother very much in the first group you described and I'm a total outcast with the rest of the family now who have all heard her narrative and think I'm a spiteful uncaring daughter who seeks to cause pain to those who love me, your post describes it perfectly. So sorry you have experienced similar

Op please consider the other side of this, it's difficult but if you really want a relationship with your son you need to reflect on this honestly and take responsibility for your part in it

A few years ago following a major row between me and my younger manipulative DSis my DM and DF took her side having never heard mine. We struggled on for a while until I decided to address the elephant in the room with them. Amongst the things they said was that my behaviour had made them ill. I have no desire to cause them I'll health so I went NC and therefore can no longer be responsible for their health.
I am in a much better place without them and I'm sure they feel the same.

It would be very interesting to see what responses would be if the sexes were reversed.
Man meets woman. Refuses to introduce woman to his family as they “would be devastated”. So they live with woman’s family happily accepting the support of this family. Eventually man tells his family. Family immediately take over, ably assisted by man, who systematically excludes woman’s family from anything to do with wedding. Woman (is made to) give up job, accept job with man’s family and move 300+ miles away to live next door to man’s family. Then contact is cut over pretty innocuous reasons.
Personally, it I knew this couple I’d be calling woman’s aid and asking the police about coercive control?? Or at least considering it ...... however it seems sexism is rife so because the sexes are the other way round it’s the mother who is wrong and the man, whose very existence was so repugnant to the wife’s family he was hidden for years, has totally changed his relationship with his parents and cut them off, only seen his sisters once or twice, moved to an entirely different area but next door to this family and given up his job ..... this is considered to be normal ?? Yikes!

Op - I really don’t know what to suggest..... other than to offer an olive branch; a simple invite to lunch or something near where they live. A card or letter saying hi. Try to keep some line of communication open..... he may need you

Family immediately take over, ably assisted by man, who systematically excludes woman’s family from anything to do with wedding. Woman (is made to) give up job, accept job with man’s family and move 300+ miles away to live next door to man’s family. Then contact is cut over pretty innocuous reasons

Yeah but you're not just reversing the sexes, are you? You're wildly embellishing the entire OP.

OP bought them a house without asking them? Where is that part of the story?

But Noname99 that's the Op's take on it. Most posters are assuming DS would have a different tale to tell. The furniture and the argument the day after his wedding which made him emotional sound alarm bells in my mind. If DS was getting married and we were hosting something the day after and I was annoyed with him about something I would roll my eyes and have a moan to DH but I would NEVER upset him on his wedding weekend especially not when I knew that relations between the two families were likely to be less than plain sailing.

Crikey. There is wrong on both sides here but you can only account for yourself OP.

You should read up regarding your DILs customs and culture. I think if you did you would see a lot less is rude than you think - if only that you see what is customary and typical. You would know then why more people came to lunch than you expected, for example.

You should never have sent the furniture. It's up to your son where he works and lives. You are only guests at their wedding. He is a married man. These are now his choices and will be his consequences.

Your son and DIL have also made mistakes but your son has told you he won't meet with you because he 'does not want another argument'. Now listen to him. Stop fighting if you want your son in your life, and be prepared to take a step back and bite your tongue if you want this. It isn't easy but it is the way to resolve this.

A poster on page 3 made a very good point: when the DIL was embedded in your family, and you gifted her the family ring, put them up, and had good times together, you understandably but - with hindsight, mistakenly - believed that as a couple they would live within the familial and cultural norms that you know. So I can see it feels like a big knock-back to be ‘rejected’ now they have chosen to live closer to her family, geographically, culturally, working in the family business etc.

However, it must have been a terrible burden for her to bear, all the secrecy and (seemingly) fear of having a ‘different’ boyfriend.

Sounds like they have tried both ways, and made a choice. I’d struggle with 28 (!) extra guests arriving for lunch, and the furniture was clearly a misstep. It all just seems so ... dramatic. When did it become your way or ‘their’ way? I do think your DS and DIL could have smoothed the path but to be honest it sounds as if both families are entrenched; the young people sound weak and unable to have reasonable adult conversations with their parents, and find it difficult to stand up for themselves, and to choose their own lives. I hope they’re happy (in the battleground.). Take a step back and in a week or so draft up a letter apologizing that you were out of line, perhaps ask if they would like to meet for lunch half-way later in the Autumn.

. In your DIL's culture, immediate family probably has a different meaning. Your cultural meaning of 'immediate' doesn't trump theirs. Surely you were aware there was the potential for misunderstanding...
No the dil is at fault here. She knows her culture and believe me everyone who lives in uk/ born here but from this culture knows the meaning of a typical immediate english family. She should have cleared this with her inlaws. They catered for 12 and 40 turned up?! Id be shit too even this happenning with in my own people And i can practically say (from everything the ops written) that im from the same culture as her dil.

Hi just got in and have read most of the comments.
I would like to thank you all for your comments, I do agree I have gone around things the wrong way.
I should never have bought the furniture, which was a rattan garden sofa BTW.
I would never have bought it if I thought it would be the straw that broke the camels back.
I know its a no no to drip feed on here which is why I told of the "main" issues which were
2, Being completely left out of his weddings, We Knew nothing about anything.
3, being rejected by DDIL as soon as she told her family about our DS, not just us but our entire family.
4, Him giving up a promising career to move in with her parents and half his salary and no prospects. He only told us 3 weeks before he moved.
5, me being pissed off with him and her family the day after the wedding - They were rude and yes I was very angry. I could tell you more?
6, Making the mistake of sending them the rattan sofa set that they said they could do with in the garden.
Yes we did buy them a house long before they got engaged as they were sharing our DS bedroom and wanted their own place. They lived there for one year until DDIL wanted to move to London in a more ethnic area, they moved in with her sisters. We now rent it out for them as there inheritance.
I didnt want to drip feed but it looks like some posters on here have got the time line completely wrong, the have only been married 3 years but together 11yrs, so I could add more.
However, the reason I asked for comments was for my own peace of mind and tbh all the suggestions offered I have tried, So thank you all for your thoughts and wisdom.

I hope you have altered your will s accordingly, NC works both ways

I think I can confidently speak for most estranged children when we say we would gladly give up our prospective inheritances in exchange for a loving and mutually respectful relationship with our estranged parents. The childhood my mother put me through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and inheriting a bloody palace wouldn't have made up for it.

Totally agree @toomuchtooold

Was the furniture 9 months ago?
If not, what happened 9 months ago, as everything else was years ago...

But why is he angry with you, OP? Why - from his perspective - has he broken contact with you? I'm not saying he's right or justified or anything else, I don't know I wasn't there, but it's really noticeable here that you aren't giving any sense of what this looks like from his point of view. You say you argued but not what you argued about? You say he 'got very emotional' but not what he actually said. The only way you're going to break the estrangement and build up a relationship again is if you're able to at least acknowledge to him what this looks like to him.

The furniture happened 9 months ago and they called us and DDIL told me I was disrespectful to her.
We had a heated discussion on loudspeaker and thats when Son went NC

It must have been some argument to go from "you shouldn't have bought us that sofa" to "we're never speaking to you again"?

What exactly did your son get upset about? She said “you’ve disrespected me by buying us a sofa” and you said...

PS: I don’t get what’s disrespectful about buying someone a sofa... I’d find it really strange and would probably turn it down, but I wouldn’t feel disrespected.

Ah op I can feel your pain. Could you talk his through with a counsellor, this sort of place is too judgey I think and no place to clear your mind and unravel your thoughts.

You’re not a guest at your sons wedding. You’re the mother of the groom. That means you’re in the bridal party. People on here act so cold about families sometimes 🤷🏻‍♀️.

One piece of advice I’ll give you is to try and let go, accept that you have no control over other people and how they respond to you. Take time to think and heal. Write down your thoughts. Things might change but for now let it go and try to feel some peace..... meditating is great for this.

Easier said than done. I’d be 💔.

Ps I wish my parents interfered in my life by buying me a house and furniture 😊

I think I can confidently speak for most estranged children when we say we would gladly give up our prospective inheritances in exchange for a loving and mutually respectful relationship with our estranged parents

You can certainly speak for me. And I can't think of anybody I have ever known in our unhappy club who would say different.

Hell, I'd give an actual limb.