9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

[birdladyfromhomealone]

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

OP your stomach ulcers are not caused by stress caused by DS action but by an infection which can be easily treated. Please see your gp about that.

She spoke to us in a simpering fake voice about we had done plenty for them but it was disrespectable to her to buy her DH a gift without running it by her first.
She had seen it the previous weekend and expressed how she wished they could have it but couldnt afford it.
I thought I would surprise/treat them to it.
It was less than £200
She is a school teacher and the way she spoke to us in a fake nicely nicely voice but actually telling us off, I said please dont talk to me like I'm one of your pupils.
I then said Im not listening to you talking to me like a child so I'm going to hang up.
Hung up.
Son rung us back and said apologise to DIL and we said no.
Yes it was our fault but We have apologised time and time again in letters, phone calls and he wont listen
They didn't send a Mothers day Card or Birthday card. She sent me a wattsapp saying we dont reward bad behaviour.

I think I can confidently speak for most estranged children when we say we would gladly give up our prospective inheritances in exchange for a loving and mutually respectful relationship with our estranged parents

You are speaking for me too.

I don’t see what you did wrong re the delivery if furniture. As they previously lived with you I am sure it would have been items they had admired or intended to buy.

To be honest I think you DIL is probably completely spoilt and controlling. If her dad is wealthy she is probably used to getting her own way on everything. What a nightmare for you you have my sympathy

Yeah, I think you were definitely the ruder one on the initial phone call and didn’t cover yourself in glory, but your ds was worse after that; phoning you up to demand an apology . Dil didn’t actually do anything that wrong, except the WhatsApp message, but then, you did take the piss out of her voice a bit and hung up on her so 🤷‍♀️.

It’s very extreme of them to now cut you out though. If I’d fallen out with one of my parents like this, we’d have made up within the hour.

Have u thought you ashamed and humiliated her about the wedding breakfast in front of her own family. Culturally they may have very different ways.

You are mother of groom - u didn't need to know about the wedding

It's common for girls from religious families to 'hide' their partners as family would want them to marry immediately.

It's lovely that your son has bonded with his in-laws. Who cares if it's half the wage as long as they are happy.

You come across as controlling and judgemental

Do you think she thought she was talking in a ‘simpering’ or ‘fake nicey nicey’ voice? Is it possible that she thought she was just trying to be polite, and from your son’s perspective you insulted her and hung up on her?

Again I don’t know how she spoke to you, I wasn’t there, but you don’t seem to distinguish at all between the way you see things and the way your son does.

You have great advice here. What have you found useful?

Oh dear, oh dear OP. You really have brought this on yourself you know.

The only thing i can think of OP is that you have a dreadful temper and perhaps you say silly, door closing, accusatory things in the heat of the moment? Is that true? You seem impetuous.

Some people genuinely take everything that's said at face value and simply cannot cope with 'very heated' arguments. They end up being controlled by their need to avoid the other person getting 'very cross' and upset (code for furious, yes?) I've known people choose a marriage partner because that person represents a refuge from the bust-ups that occur in their family of origin. But whatever you said to your DIL, your son was listening to you say that to the woman he has vowed to cherish and protect. How did you think that would end?

You really have to accept that your DS has no obligation to live near you earning big money in the city. Many, many people get disillusioned with that life very quickly. Many parents have children living close to the in-laws and don't take it so personally. There's more than one way to be happy. Trying to dictate another adult's choices is a distancing thing to do. Sooner or later they'll retreat to create that space to choose again. I have no doubt it was a very sad decision.

It wasn't YOUR wedding. It wasn't up to YOU to plan it.

Buying the sofa may have been interpreted by them as "MIL/Mum playing Lady Bountiful because she thinks we're too poor to be able to afford to look after ourselves".

Your son has the right to live and work where he wants. So what if he's making less money? Isn't that HIS choice? Aren't his job prospects HIS issue? Money isn't everything, and maybe he's really interested in taking the job his FIL offered him.

It's also not your business, necessarily, about where they live. They're not obligated to ask for your input on where they move or to tell you their plans.

I get the impression that you feel your son has "shamed" the family in some way by marrying a girl from another culture and cultivating a positive relationship with his family. This isn't a competition. There's no "us vs. them".

Your son is an adult. He's more than capable of making his own decisions.

Her family sound racists and awful. Destroy family by marrying white man. Jeez.

@5Yearplan4000 hold your horses a minute! You’re claiming her family are racist because she said it would destroy her family for her to bring in a white man, but clearly it hasn’t. Have you stopped to think that maybe she exaggerated in order to cover up the fact that she was practically cohabiting with him, and it actually had very little to do with race?

From DIL's viewpoint you tore a strip off her and humiliated her in front of her family the day after her wedding. Then you went behind her back to buy something for her husband, then when she tries to speak with you you slam the phone down on her.

Unfair? Probably. But that may be how she sees it.

So what do you do now?
Write to your son. Don't mention how upset you are or how your ulcers are getting worse, say that you are sorry you upset DIL and want his advice on how to put it right. Do not say stuff like "mistakes were made on both sides".
This may be difficult to do but if you want a relationship with your son you may have to.

Good luck.

The lunch sounds like a misunderstanding occurred and you don't "tell off" an adult! Did you do this AT the lunch? If so that's incredibly rude and bound to cause an uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone.

The wedding sounds normal to me, even traditional British weddings tend to be weighted slightly toward the brides family. With grooms family very much "guests" and not particularly involved.

You MASSIVELY overstepped bounds with the furniture! Who the fuck does that?! Large intrusive items, quite possibly not to their taste, nightmare to deal with, possibly intruding on their plans for that day (what if they'd not been in?!) - what WERE you thinking?! I'd have been furious too! How would YOU feel if someone arranged to have large, inconvenient items to your home with no warning?!

"We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her." Should never have got to that point! What did you say to her/them?

Making out your ill health down to this situation/son and DIL actions - manipulative and cruel! And highly unlikely to be completely true. Plus as adults yourselves you are responsible for your health, not your DC. This is actually CLASSIC narc behaviour.

Also turning your dds into flying monkeys! Their relationship with their bro and sil is none of your business! And you certainly shouldn't be expecting them to sort out your mess!

The info on the engagement ring - irrelevant.

And I too suspect your son and DIL would have a VERY different story to tell. I suspect that's why they didn't tell you about the move to nearer her family and son changing job (though I actually think that's not a great idea to be so tied career wise to your spouse's family) BUT that's HIS choice. Even if you disagree you bite your tongue!

Back off, give them some space while also GENTLY letting them know you're open to talking to/seeing them when they're ready.

As someone also Nc with certain family members/relatives I can definitely understand the possibility of "straw that broke the camels back" plus the faux protestations of "I don't know what I did wrong" when they know EXACTLY what they did wrong AND that they behaved unreasonably by ANYONE's standards. I've never come across anyone irl who's gone Nc without a damn good reason.

mypointofview is spot on!

Whoa! You bought them a HOUSE without asking? What on earth! The more I learn the more I think you're lucky he never went Nc earlier!

@LydiaLunch7 maybe in isolation not reason enough but combined? Plus all the other stuff pps have gleaned from other threads sg buying them a HOUSE without their knowledge or consent?!

Just

I don't think you were out of order to buy the couch if they'd previously seen it and said they would like it and couldn't afford it, if that was me I would have been over the moon and so grateful. That's very different to just buying them a bit of furniture they've never mentioned before.

However, I think I would have bitten my tongue over her tone of voice because as PP has said she might have been trying to be polite and it's just come across patronising because of the nature of the conversation.

The family meal is a difficult one because I get the feeling you might have embarrassed them/ come across rude about that but at the same time your DS and DIL should have given you the heads up that immediate family means something different in her culture than it does in ours. If it was me I would have said to my mum to expect a lot of guests.

I think a lot of the issues are probably things that just haven't been handled very well by both parties and have just built up over time.

I think at the end of the day if you want them back in your life you're going to have to put aside your anger over what's happened and try and start a fresh because it doesn't seem as if your DS is going to see things from your POV. Just let him know that the door is open if they want to start again.

*Her family sound racists and awful. Destroy family by marrying white man. Jeez.

Have you missed the whole bit about how her family has embraced him to the point they are living next door to her parents and he works for her Dad’s company?

I'm just thinking, someone who flies off the handle is often dealt with by others in a managing way. Especially if they're at the end of their tether. Was this stuff you have heard from her before? At least she was trying to be polite. Have you tried that when you had the chance or did you just tear strips off them any time you felt provoked? Remember, your DIL will have witnessed all the times you upset her partner with your anger. That will be hard for her to forgive.

The problem with your apology I can definitely help you with. You didn't apologise until you realised it was a key to re-opening 'normal' life between you. That reeks of insincerity and sends out the message that you're not sorry, you just want to rewind. By that stage, they may have been feeling that going on with this broken relationship in exactly the same state as before was the one thing they weren't prepared to do.

Was the arrangement for the wedding meal made directly with DIL or her parents? Everyone on the thread seems to feel it was her responsibility to set you straight about numbers but i wonder how much she had to do with it?

Why did you expect to be included in planning your son's wedding when it annoyed you that your DD included her MIL pre-wedding? How much input could you have had given your lack of knowledge of the culture (as evidenced by the post wedding meal)? Don't you think it would have been a cultural war of the weddings and don't you think that would have been obvious to any bride from a mile off?

I've never wanted to hear the other side of a story on mnet more.

I don't buy that your Dil moved out of the flat you bought them where they were staying rent free to another area of London that is more as you call it 'ethnic'. I just don't buy that. There must be another reason. Do you make them feel like you owe them something when you gift them anything? I know some people like that. They are wealthy and like to use their wealth to control people close to them. They don't realise they do that but they do it, and it's awful being a recipient of such wealth. As all you want to do is run free.

They owe you something*

@5Yearplan4000 hold your horses a minute! You’re claiming her family are racist because she said it would destroy her family for her to bring in a white man, but clearly it hasn’t
We can only go off what the op has told us. The dil said it would destroy her family marrying a white man. So yes i think most people would claim the family is racist. Why make excuses for them, it’s obviously caused some kind of mayhem, they could be furious with their daughter for all we know, how do we know how well they've accepted their “white” son in law.

FreeNim we're thinking along the same lines. I hate people buying me significant presents because of the conditions that might be attached to it. Wonder why I feel like that...

OP, I think your son and DIL wanted a clean break and to stand on their own two feet with their new house and not to look out into the garden and feel beholden to you.

@JamieVardysHavingAParty that's a good point actually, I would be happy if my parents surprised me with a couch I had been admiring but that's because I know they would never mention it again/ hold it over me.

I'd love to hear the other side of the story.