9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

[birdladyfromhomealone]

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

OP never said DIL was Muslim did she?

Anyone who thinks they can say DIL or OP is definitively right or wrong based on hearing one side of the story (which clearly has a lot of information missing) is wrong.

OP, people don't usually go NC over such small things. Maybe try to talk to your son about how upset you are and have an open conversation where you listen to his perspective and see how you can repair your relationship.

Op it sounds really hard. Basically the DIL was with you and your family until she revealed she was marrying. Then her parents took control back. I guess that's why they never knew about her relationship before as in some religions/ cultures dating or socialising with the opposite sex is not the done thing.

On the furniture who knows?! She might not of liked it, your son might not of liked it. Or there might be another reason that's more complex but it's happened.

Why not send a card and say you are sorry and that you have made mistakes. Ask for forgiveness. Ask if you could come to visit to go out for a meal. They could choose somewhere .

Stay in a hotel when you visit for the night if it's long way. Travel lodge or something. But keep it brief and just go out with them rather than try and go into their house etc. Keep the focus on hearing about their lives, the family business. Keep neutral. The weather. Nice things that you have done - you can note some things. Like we've started walking every Sunday and we are really feeling the benefit for our health etc. Keep it off reminiscing and your health issues.

But you need to bin the resentment for this to work. You need to be sorry ( not because you've done anything wrong, but because for whatever bizarre reason your DIL or DS think you have and you are sorry your not in their lives)

Maybe a buy a book on their culture just to read up.

Sounds like you upset them in front of their family. Maybe a quick take away delivery might have saved the day? If my mil sent me furniture then I would send it back too. People already have furniture, they choose a colour scheme that matches their tastes and style of the home. How would you know that they needed it and if it matched their other stuff? You could invite them over with their family for a buffet to smooth things over? Please don't tell them its making you and your husband ill, it's manipulative behaviour.

In a post of ops other posts this year she says he moved from Kent to central London for his work as a banker as he found the commute to long. She’s also a caterer so food for 40 even improv shouldn’t of been too hard to muster up.

I bet the dils/sons side would be that everything was going relatively well although a few boundary issues but sharing a house that’s to be expected. Once the engagement happened (that op knee about two years in advance) and the dils family and dil got into wedding mode and moving into their own home op got demanding, possessive and the blurred boundaries continued along with quilt trips. The furniture being the straw that broke the camels back.

Op, I think that the issue is probably with you. If you got on with your dil previously, I cannot see why your ds and dil would go nc.
She may have been offended by the way you treated her family at the dinner. Agree that it is a cultural thing. It is well known that in some cultures such as the Asian and Nigerian cultures ‘family’ includes extended family, friends etc.
I think that , without realising it, you were giving out some negative vibes about the wedding as you felt like a guest at your own son’s wedding. It then appears that you are now using emotional blackmail , discussing your husband’s bad health.
I think that you need to take a hard look at yourself tbh

OP never said DIL was Muslim did she?
Why who was assuming that?

I think it’s all down to each other’s POV.

She may have been offended by the way you treated her family at the dinner. Agree that it is a cultural thing.
The Dil said it “would destroy her family for her to be with a white man”, so really she’s hardly in a position to feel insulted after revealing that little gem. They sound vile.

My GGM used to say "A daughter is a daughter for all of your life - a son is a son till he gets a wife".

Ah yes, a recipe for women to be obliged to live out their parents’ expectations for them and be the primary carer for them in their old age while men get to go off and live their lives how they actually want to.

Why who was assuming that?

Imoldandlost wizzywig both did on the previous page.

OP, your situation sounds vaguely similar to my mum and dads. I married into a different culture. I'm the white British one and DH is Indian. We met at uni and I introduced him to my parents pretty much straight away. He kept me a secret from his parents for a good few years more. We had two weddings and my family would have felt very much 'wear this, do that' especially for the religious parts of the Indian wedding.

It is was your DS's job to manage your expectations. Similar with hosting your DIL's family, which is probably a cultural difference. My mum feels very much out of control when she felt the need to host DHs family around our wedding. Completely overwhelmed by the number of guests in our small house. However I tried to manage her expectations and asked her to go with the flow, she did not get cross.

She is also a little jealous/upset that MIL and FIL live with us for 6 months each year (especially since DS was born), where they live 350 miles away and only see us every month or so.

However, on the whole she manages her feelings well, and I do try to remind her of the culture differences. We are still fairly close.

Could you apologise for anything you have said/done that may have upset your DS and DIL and try to see if you can re-build your relationship?

The Op doesn’t deserve to be shunned because she bought furniture. It was a bit thoughtless but ffs it’s not that bad.

I don't think that's the only thing, though. Per the timeline in the OP, they have been married 5-6 years, they moved a year after that, so the furniture would have been bought about 4 years ago. They've only been no-contact for 9 months. Something happened 9 months ago.

I would stand on my head attempting to cater for 100 people at the drop of a hat if it meant my son could enjoy his wedding weekend without a cloud. Surely most people would suck it up out of love, not create a scene.

Time.

Time is the only thing that will repair this relationship.

Don't guilt trip him, don't try to interfere, don't judge him for accommodating his wife's culture. (Or if you must, do so silently and from a distance.) Don't give him reason to remember why he's gone NC, just give him time for those memories to fade.

And then take whatever kind of relationship he offers you, without pressing for more.

Yes i agree but it’s not all about the son is it. It sounds to me like he’s a bit weak and possibly being influenced by his wife and her family. He sounds very unforgiving and intolerant. The Op might have handled things badly but we all make mistakes don’t we. Not many would go nc with their parents for something like this. When it’s two different cultures there needs to be give and take on both sides. No side should assume they are in the right.

That was in answer to mypointofview.

Op are they being "conrolled" by her family? You said they would be devastated if she married a white man, did you inadvertently offened one of her family? Have theu rold them to cut ties with you or lose them? it sounds a very strange situation. And i am sorry for your loss. I.personally would write a letter. Explain how you feel, apologies for getting cross and ask how you can put it right and tell them how much you miss them. Dont be angry and dont drag up arguments etc. They may not read or respond but you will have put your feeling out there without being interrupted.

ShouldofWouldofCouldof your username is triggering me

Where is op? We might be able to help you if we have all the facts! Something happened 9 months ago which I think must have been the straw that broke the camel's back

OP

I’m also NC with my mother. And funnily enough, one of the reasons why I couldn’t deal with her anymore is because she told me that because of me she’d had to go on antidepressants and have time off work. Sound familiar? In my case I’d sent her a letter saying I needed space while I worked through my abusive childhood in therapy and that was her response. But the end result is the same. You telling your son that he has made you ill will have made him extremely resentful and angry, believe me.

And sending furniture to their house, really? If you wanted to do a genuinely nice thing you’d have offered to pay for what they wanted.

I’m sorry but your OP smacks of self justification but I’d put money on there being a lot that has been left out, things that don’t support this ‘poor me’ stance you’re taking, and you’d be much better off being honest with yourself about how your actions will have made them feel rather than how YOU feel.

If you want him back then that’s the only way- honesty and humility.

Not many would go nc with their parents for something like this.

Which leads you to the potential for a personal truth not always being the unvarnished truth.

None of us can climb inside the OP's head, watch a video of events from start to finish and know exactly what happened, who's fault it is and where the hope of resolution may lie.

But, the group of estranged parents who tend to stay estranged are those who present a context for estrangement that makes it look like the child became estranged from them for reasons not many would go NC for. There's a debate to be had over wether the parents genuinely believe their actions are above reproach. Or, in fact they are aware that their version of events is one that is almost impossibly flattering of them, as the victims of an inexplicable descsion to cut ties.

By and large that narrative stands out from the crowd. Parents who can point to earlier patterns of self-destructive or troubled behaviours in their child, who go round in circles trying to pin point their mistakes and how they could have handled things differently... they tend to feature quite a lot in the group that can arrive at some sort of reconciliation.

But not the former group. Because with every retelling the narrative becomes more engrained, more fixed, more something you can't walk yourself back from. And the child loses a little more hope that another go on the merry-go-round of staying in touch could avoid leading to old wounds getting the same shaped new ones on top.

The above might not be the case for the OP. Like I said, not all hooves are horses, it is sometimes a zebra.

But her post hit every note of the style and form of the group who tend to stay estranged in large part because the parents don't believe, or won't accept they did anything wrong. Let alone gravely wrong. If somebody refuses to take responsibility, or even be relatively truthful about their part in the ice descending, it can't melt. No matter how much you want your mum and dad back, no matter how much you need them them to be the parents they could have been, no matter how much you miss them, no matter how much you still love them. Cos nobody ever melted ice by turing the temp down even further with much less truthiness than was needed.

I feel for the OP be she horse, or zebra. I feel for all of them. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

If you really want to resolve this then You need to swallow your pride and apologise (with no buts or ifs) A full apology and ask how can you move forward. I feel for you as I can’t see what you’ve done wrong but I think it’s better you resolve this.

@LydiaLunch7 it was supposed to be ironic but i must admit it winds me up too! I keep thinging of changing it but i then get lost in Aibu

it’s not all about the son is it.

It is on your wedding weekend.

Which is why (that and the buying a house/furniture etc) I'm inclined to think this woman is a nightmare.

In all probability he is easily influenced because his mother is clearly inclined to be controlling and imprint her moods upon his every decision. That kind of experience can leave you anxious to please.

Don't know why everyone is so down on the DIL though. She found it disrespectful to have some large piece(s) of furniture delivered to her door without so much as a 'Would you like this'? She was also honest about how her family would feel about him - not her fault that they felt this way and obviously she doesn't share her family's prejudice. All she's done is want to be close to her parents. Even the OP couldn't find fault with her until she wanted to move outside the OP's sphere of influence.

I hope you have altered your will s accordingly, NC works both ways.