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Original poster

9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

522 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 25/09/2018 15:00

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

OP posts:
mypointofview · 25/09/2018 17:46

The OP is not going to be helped by sympathy, although it may be what she wants.

The only thing that will really help is a reconciliation and for that she has to change and move beyond feeling like the injured party.

wizzywig · 25/09/2018 17:49

As someone who has seen this happen (non Muslim male having to convert to marry muslim female), the pressure is intense for the converting person to 'forget' their old ways and follow what their new family do. The Muslim girl will constantly have to prove to her family that she is still the same girl she was and she hasn't forgotten her culture by marrying outside of the race/ nationality (whatever you call it). She will be a role model for others in her community who also want to marry 'out'. So if they don't toe the line others will say "well, look at xyz. She married 'out' and now her kids don't know where they are from. She used to be one of us".

NonaGrey · 25/09/2018 17:50

For those saying the furniture was OTT but not worth an argument I can pretty much guarantee that it’s just the last in a long line of rather controlling behaviour. I have personal experience of this.

Spending lots of money doesn’t make the annoying thing you are doing ok.

As for the other stuff in the OP, I’m very close to my parents (as DH is to his) but neither of us has ever informed our parents about job moves or house purchases until after they were a done deal. We’re grown ups we make our own decisions without reference to our parents.

OP all you can do is apologise (properly and wholeheartedly) and offer to start again afresh.

Once they have children you are going to feel much, much worse if you haven’t sorted this out.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs they hold all the cards here. You’ll have to choose between your pride and contact with your DS.

MadMum101 · 25/09/2018 17:51

Reread the OP Crispy. The OP made the DIL very welcome while her own family were not even aware he existed Confused.

crispysausagerolls · 25/09/2018 17:54

MadMum101

Sounds like the OP made her very welcome until she realised she was becoming a permanent fixture eg marrying her son, and then became quite competitive! Complaining about feeling like a guest at the wedding is bizarre, as is a truckload of furniture etc etc

LifeInPlastic · 25/09/2018 17:54

MadMum we only have the OP’s word for that though. I’d say the OP tells us much more about her own controlling attitude than DIL’s family.

StatisticallyChallenged · 25/09/2018 17:54

The OP has said that her DS and DIL couldn't afford the furniture she decided to surprise them with for their new house, which may suggest that they'd seen it and liked it previously but it was too expensive for them. We don't know it was a 'room full', it may have been a single item. Most normal people would be delighted at any house warming gift so let's stop the hysteria about the furniture until OP gives a little more context about it.

Given the reaction that the OP outlines it's pretty obvious it wasn't something they loved and were desperate to have. It obviously felt, to them, like she was hugely overstepping.

I get on really well with my MIL but we had a few issues of this variety early on - she didn't go as far as sending furniture (thank god!) but we had a few times when she'd point out something she considered lovely, we'd make appropriate noises or say not just now, not enough space, too expensive etc.(trying to be kind and not say "we hate that!" especially about family stuff) and she just would NOT drop it. Because she considered that she knew better than us young 'uns what was appropriate and proper to have.

We managed to work it out because she never did anything too large and got the hint. If a PP is right about the house buying and this was then followed by the furniture episode then it's not surprising they were unimpressed.

Emmageddon · 25/09/2018 17:55

'Thank fuck my mother's a professional caterer.'

OP is a professional caterer? Then what the fuck is all the angst about with 40 people turning up instead of 12?

GinIsIn · 25/09/2018 17:55

@MadMum101 the OP had previously bought the DS and DIL a HOUSE they didn’t want without asking - I think we can safely assume this wasn’t just a table lamp.....

53rdWay · 25/09/2018 18:04

You don’t go straight from best of friends to “I bought her furniture and she said I was disrespecting her and we haven’t spoken since” without SOMETHING big happening in between. I would think there’s a lot that happened here:

I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross

that all sounds very understated. It’s obviously not just minor bickering if it led to all this.

This is all clearly painful for the OP and husband and for her daughters and I’d bet the son and DIL too. It’s worth trying to hash out some way past it.

muddlingalong42 · 25/09/2018 18:06

Not read the full thread. This sounds spookily similar to my BIL who's DW is from another culture. Their relationship was secret for years and we tried her like part of the family. Then she told them and they welcomed him.
We felt like guests at their wedding for the same reasons you describe. They had a civil ceremony to which hardly any of our family were invited (I was not), but the brides friends were.
They are now NC with half our family. The wedding and how it was handled was the start of lots of arguments between BIL and his siblings and parents. It is extremely difficult to explain the context to people, and I have no advice sorry but wanted to say I really do understand and I feel for you. Cultural differences are really hard and compounded by being afraid of being thought of as prejudiced. But they really can be hard to navigate!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 25/09/2018 18:11

You shouldn't have ordered surprise furniture. That's so it

greendale17 · 25/09/2018 18:13

OP is getting a very hard time here.

To me, the DIL is controlling and has orchestrated and isolated OPs DS from the rest of the family

mypointofview · 25/09/2018 18:14

In a previous thread, the OP expresses frustration because her son has moved 300 miles away 'next door' to his parents and doesn't see why they'd be 'upset'. That's a boundary issue as there is no rational basis for foisting your distress about this on another adult who can live where he wants to. In the OP's mind, the PILs living next door seems to be an additional reason why her son should realise this would be upsetting. That's incredibly irrational, somewhat abusive and I suspect she has caused scene after scene about it.

I highly doubt the OP would be annoyed if her DS and partner moved in next to her, or understand why her parents might be annoyed.

And again, she complains about being left out of her son's wedding but has complained about her own DD being too inclusive with her future parents in law.

Seems like one rule for the OP and another for everyone else.

mypointofview · 25/09/2018 18:15

next door to his parents in law

Muggins123 · 25/09/2018 18:18

My GGM used to say "A daughter is a daughter for all of your life - a son is a son till he gets a wife".
Let it go - let him be happy.

JensenElephant · 25/09/2018 18:19

she hasn't forgotten her culture by marrying outside of the race/ nationality (whatever you call it).

Faith, neither race nor nationality Confused

RangeRider · 25/09/2018 18:21

I would be devastated if one of mine ended up marrying into another culture, and a different religion to us
Wow. Shock I'd be on Amazon to find a book about their religion to learn more, and looking forward to having a subject to have a really good chat on instead of just the weather.

coolmule · 25/09/2018 18:21

The Dil sounds awful and her family are racist and sound horrible. So what if you bought them furniture, how is that so bad. Hopefully your son will come round op, i don’t see how you have to apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong.

Imoldandlost · 25/09/2018 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oswin · 25/09/2018 18:46

Done nothing wrong? You would be OK with someone deciding what furniture you are having. With your parent telling you you are responsible for them being ill? And all the other shit op has pulled?

How is the dil the bad one here, why not the son?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 25/09/2018 18:49

Imoldandlost you clearly are.

Imoldandlost · 25/09/2018 18:54

garethsouthgatesmrs no need to be rude

coolmule · 25/09/2018 18:55

The Dils family are racist. It is they AND the son who have done wrong. The op seems to have bent over backwards to welcome her into the family. The Op doesn’t deserve to be shunned because she bought furniture. It was a bit thoughtless but ffs it’s not that bad.

Imoldandlost · 25/09/2018 18:58

Never had a post deleted before. How very odd Confused