9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

[birdladyfromhomealone]

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

TBH if I was expecting a few people for lunch and 40 turned up I would be in a state of shock - and may well lose it!

I would probably wish I'd been more patient and smiled through the stress of dealing with all those uninvited guests but it's not ridiculous for the OP to be angry at that.
I also think it's respectful for people to be included in their son's wedding plans.

I could not fit 40 guests in my house. The only possible option would be a tent in the garden, which isn’t that big either. Knowing 40 people were going to arrive, a room in a hotel or even a village hall would be the best option. My DCs know our house is not big enough for 40 relatives and I hope they would not embarrass us in this way.

One family we know had a multicultural wedding and hired a marquee for hosting the family of the bride, with outside catering.

If you have previously had a good relationship with your son, at some point he will start to miss your company. Bide your time.

Most if DH’s extended family would consider it extremely rude NOT to have visited you the day after the wedding.

Rolling your eyes, smiling and laughing, and rummaging madly in the freezer was the better response. Not getting j to a cross and emotional argument with your son, which must have been evident to others.

One thing is clear, you despise your DIL, and that's never going to work out for you.

I couldn't put my finger on it after having read the OP as to why exactly, and I have no experience of Ops other threads, but what I read struck a chord that reminded me of my mum.
She's very much "he's taken my daughter away " as well.
Im no contact with her.

"I've never wanted to hear the other side of a story on mnet more."

Yep! And the stomach ulcers and depression sound a lot like the script you read about on here when posters complain about their MIL and get told they will hear about her health problems next in an attempt to guilt trip them.

One thing is clear, you despise your DIL
OP took the future DIL into her family for years, she even gave her DS her own mother's ring to give to the DIL. Personally I wouldn't hand over my dead mother's wedding ring to a woman that I despise.

OP, you sound like a total nightmare.

I can see that you're manipulating events which can have massively different interpretations into a "it's not fair, it's not my fault" viewpoint, but look at the examples you gave:

Arranging free furniture might be a wonderful, welcome new gift vs another attempt at controlling what your DS and his wife decorate with, with something as personal as furniture

Your DH telling DS about all the health issues caused by the stress of it all meaning he knows how seriously it's affected you vs emotional guilt trip designed to make DS pick you over his wife

His DB and SIL trying to reconcile the family during a normal visit vs pressuring them and interfering in a situation which makes your DS seem unreasonable

The misunderstanding about the wedding plans and making you feel like "guests" might simply be that they haven't acknowledged the blended culture of the marriage sufficiently vs you had completely unrealistic expectations about the norm in their culture and expected it to revolve around you

the 40 people turning up could be a simple misunderstanding (see culture above) vs your attempt to lash out at your DS on what should have been a happy occasion, blaming him for something that he had no control or foresight of.. just what did you think you'd achieve by punishing him?!

.. and so on.
All these little events, and the way they're worded, remind me of some of the really toxic parent, PIL threads on the Relationship forum of Mumsnet.
If you're expecting posters to say "there there, you're great parents, selfless, caring, poor you" - well, that's not the sense I'm getting from your post at all. You describe highly ambiguous situations and events, and seem to make all of it about you, your needs, your expectations, and there's almost nothing in there about actually communicating with your DS on what he thinks the problem is in the relationship. He's clearly decided (due to "all the arguments?") that it's a nicer life without you in it.

You each have your subjective viewpoints on whether that's reasonable, but you shouldn't be looking to AIBU posters for reassurance.. you should be trying to figure out how the relationship got so broken, and truly listen to your DS to find out how it might be rebuilt.

So it seems she thought she would be rejected by her family, she wasn’t so she and your son have thrown themselves enthusiastically into this family, and your son is embracing the new culture.

You aren’t happy wiht his choices, particularly the job. You are entitled to feel disappointed, but you must keep that to yourself.

Then there was a mix up over lunch. Yes of you explicitly invited x and y and they brought along additional guests that was rude. DIL should have ensured you were aware that extra people would come. However, these things happen, and it sounds like you made a big fuss.

I think you need to sit down and decide if you want to disapprove on the sidelines of his life or accept things have changed, and try to draw a line under this.

Use the a bit of the rent money from the house to see a family therapist - get your anger out. Then re emerge as a peaceful accepting and serene mil.

I have never said I despise my Dil far from it, she was part of our family, a huge part of our family and we hoped she always would be.
she moved to an area of London to be within her community with our son and her sisters.
Her sisters still live there but go home every weekend just like she did. Her sisters also have boyfriends that are "secret" from her family.
The time line is this
4 yrs at uni
1 yr with us
1 yr in own home
2 yr shared flat with siblings whilst engaged for 1 yr
married 3 yrs
Things changed as soon as the Wedding was announced.
The reason we had a row with our DS the day after the wedding was beacuse her family were extremely rude.
We invited 12, her parents, siblings and grandmother.
All her cousins /aunts/uncles turned up, helped themselves to cup cakes that were displayed for dessert before dinner was served.
Asked for top shelf ( which I had to ask what they meant)
Then asked if all the meat was halal.
The fact that we had two dry weddings we did not want to offend her parents so our dinner was also dry but her cousins were asking for alcohol the minute they walked in the door.
I never said a word until one of the family told me to put my dogs outside whilst they ate as they were dirty. Someone said just kick the dog.
I took my son in the kitchen and told him how cross I was.
I know these were things I should not have said or done and I am distraught now that we have fallen out.
We have apologised but to no avail. :(

Sorry but I think the DIL sounds like a right brat and it's her causing your son to go NC. Eat my hat if I'm wrong. There is nothing in your posts that seems serious enough to go NC. Nothing. It's her

OP, looking back at some of your previous posts, you seem to fall out with a LOT of people.
In another thread you yourself say you went NC with your own MIL. There’s also another thread about your daughter and her prospective MIL taking over DD’s wedding and another saying that you’d got upset that your DD invited her prospective MIL to a dress fitting and then you all fell out. Can you not see a pattern in your behaviour?
Get some therapy. Be really honest with yourself in that time. If you can work on things yourself, be honest with yourself, and truly address the issues at the heart of your behaviours and overreactions, perhaps you will be able to avoid all these dramas and fallouts.

Anyway No more of the no no drip feed, I posted to hear comments from neutral people . I agree with all the comments , we made huge mistakes.
I have tried to reach out many times, the last message I sent was our door is always open , just what a poster had said to do.
My Dh sent a message saying Its time to be friends again lets talk. with no response.
Its our DS 30th this weekend I wish we could all turn back time :(

It sounds like you quite enjoyed the bit at the start (understandable) where her exclusion of her parents meant that you got to do the lion's share of the parenting and their time, and got to welcome HER into YOUR family. You then felt resentful when her family opened up their arms to the couple and welcomed HIM into THEIR family instead! I can understand that. It's hard for parents when their kids grow up and for a while there you got to still be the matriarch, and then it was sort of snatched away from you and everything was all about her family and her culture (which is alien to you so you feel more an outsider than ever). I honestly sympathise with you.

But. I think that your reaction hasn't been fair. They haven't done anything wrong. You have behaved badly because of the way that you were feeling and then you've continued to justify this and behave badly. You manipulated them with your health info. And you have taken controlling actions regarding the gift - and probably other things too. You've been rude and childish.

I think you need to be humble now. Say 'I'm so sorry, I've been an idiot. It was because I felt left out and left behind, but that's no excuse. I hope that in time you'll give me a chance to share your lives again and show you how truly sorry I am for my actions and any hurt that I caused'.

Yep.
My mum has fallen out with everyone in the family, over very trivial things.
Fallen out with both neighbours.
Unfortunately, there's never been a (romantic) relationship lasting for more than a few years, things always go very sour, very quickly.
No long-term job.
Easily bored of her pets and her animals are passed on after a few years. Not so much cats, though. Chickens, multiple rescue dogs and indoor birds.
Now me.

Each time it was "why are people so awful to me..?"
MN threads taught me about the common denominator, and it's my mother every time.

Hang in there. If you wait and reflect and pray (no harm trying it) you never know how this could turn around. Play a long game.

Her extended family have very poor social graces and clearly don’t know how to behave when guests in someone’s home.

However, that isn’t your son or dilS fault. The simple solution is not to invite them back. They sound dreadful, hopefully it was the extended family who acted in this way and not her parents.

If there is any chance of maintaining some relationship you need to let go of all this anger and find a way to be with them without comment or judgement. If these people are as awful as you have suggested, the close relationship will cool.

I would also not particularly take to a family that was so racist that my son had to be kept hidden from them for 5 bloody years!

Whatever blunders the OP has made (buying the furniture, etc.), the DIL's family don't sound like a nice bunch either. OK, they seem to have accepted her DS - but moving close to them and giving up a good City job to work for the in-laws smacks of control to me.

I'd be worried about my DS.

Fully agree with LifeInPlastic's post above.

birdladyfromhomealone I just wanted to say I hope your health will be OK and I am sorry for the whole situation.

I do think that getting some therapy might help you as right now you are on the inside looking out. I think if maybe you understand yourself better you will have a greater chance of rapprochement.

You do sound like a pan that’s always about to boil over and ime people like this tend to actually have quite low self-esteem often coupled with a grandiosity. (See your example of the phone call with DIL).

Everything was fine and dandy while the the only influences were your family unit. I think it might be really hard to come back from this actually unless you do some deep self analysis. Do you get anxious and then lash out? You seem to have a peculiar and particular set of expectations. Do you feel that people let you down the whole time? Don't appreciate you? Are you quick to anger?

It's not just about apologising but actually meaning it through your behaviour.

It wasn’t the sons fault that 40 turned up and behaved rudely. I don’t know any mother that wouldn’t have had something to say to their son about that. But for goodness sake, how precious he sounds. You should be able to say stuff to your kids, out of earshot of others without them taking offence. It wasn’t his fault, but it wasn’t the ops fault either. The DIls family sound like a nightmare from what we’ve heard. Their behaviour has been far worse than the ops.

I haven't read all the comments but I do think counselling helps most people.

It wasn’t his fault, but it wasn’t the ops fault either

If he's as easily offended and short-tempered as she is (which is often the case –we learn from our parents), then it's no surprise that these annoying but ultimately not world-ending events end up getting so blown out of proportion.

You sent garden furniture in January? In the depths of a particularly hard winter?

I'd have thought you'd finally lost all your marbles.