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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

522 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 25/09/2018 15:00

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

OP posts:
coolmule · 26/09/2018 00:13

I wonder if your daughters could perhaps act as peacemakers Op, maybe write him a letter telling him how upset you and dh are.

PickAChew · 26/09/2018 00:15

And where the hell do you buy Garden furniture in winter? Second hand on ebay?

nocoolnamesleft · 26/09/2018 00:25

Just something to think about. Which is more important to you: being right, or having some form of relationship with your son? Because the justifications make it seem like the former is your priority. Which is fine if that is truly your choice. But not fine if the relationship rebuilding is what you actually want.

They're not going to respond to olive branches if they think you're just going to do the same again. I suspect that they need 1)space, 2)respect, and 3)evidence of the sort of insight that leads to reflection and change.

CesiraAndEnrico · 26/09/2018 00:36

There is nothing in your posts that seems serious enough to go NC. Nothing

Doesn't that strike you as odd ? That a son would cut ties with his family over nothing ?

If my mother posted here you would be shocked about how a daughter could turn her back on her own mother over ... nothing. And you would conclude my foreign husband must have been a major operator in creating more than a decade of ongoing estrangement.

You'd never hear a word about the price I paid as my mother's weapon of choice from my teenage years on. How she was prepared to back me into a corner where I had to try and emulate a victim of incestual sexual abuse, because she was the only parent I had left and I couldn't lose her, betray her, by having her face charges of false accusations. So play acted the part she created for me, until still being that marionette even many many years later, took me to my limits of mental endurance and I had to choose my own son having an alive mother, over her continued efforts to pull my strings.

I'm not saying the OP is of my mother's ilk. Every word out her keyboard could be the gospel truth. But, it can be unsafe to arrive at such definitive conclusions as per where the blame must lie based on one version of the truth alone. And particularly so when it's an oddly "huge repercussions over nothing, breaks healthy, loving parent/child bond" version of the truth at that.

And when I say unsafe, I mean potentially unsafe for the OP.

Because we are all human, we can all make mistakes impulsively that spiral out of our control. And it's not unusual for people to sometimes find it hard to look at those mistakes in such details that the clarity of our errors hurts and hurts hard. It is human to turn away from them and minimise. We can sometimes need relative outsiders giving a hard side eye to create the motivation we need to pull off a carefully constructed scab and make an overdue inspection of the precise nature of the marks in the wound.

My mother has a cheerleading squad both online and off. They mean well, they mean very very well. Essentially they are kind people who feel for her and want her to feel better, have better. But they have unwittingly helped back her into a corner of her own, and then lock her in it. Because they never question why a child of a loving, normal behaving mother would cut ties ... for nothing.

Which means she never will either.

She is at the point now where I honestly think she believes her version of "nothing" to be true. Because it has been mirrored back to her so many times that it is unfair, she is blameless and my husband must be a secretly controlling git who arm twisted me into turning a minor chink here & there into an almighty chasm.

Heads neither of us wins, tails we both lose. Not when the game of truth is played like this.

We are both stuck fast in this limbo, that in all likelihood will only end for us when we get to die our way out of it. And while they certainly don't mean it to be that way, the people who accept a one sided account of an irrational, incomprehensible estrangement, over nothing, and tell her it's my husband, it's me, with complete conviction that they have understood the true nature of the problem.... have turned into a significant part of the glue holding us fixed in place.

I can't crawl into the OP's head and know how closely her posts match a more 360° reality. But I do know having her distance from her son reinforced at arms length is a real risk if there is any possibility she may have minimised her own part in how a healthy, loving child/parent bond shattered so spectacularly over .. nothing.

And I do believe the estrangement is causing her and will cause her far more pain than can ever be soothed by the balm of online people taking her side at face value, on the basis of just her version.

GretchenFranklin · 26/09/2018 01:14

?

I 'm sorry not read the entire thread, but the replies on here are so strange ... almost as though posters are reading what OP put and just totally projecting their own reasons for rejecting their parents onto OP. Where else on these boards do we ignore the side given? Of course we imagine the story to have more nuance but an OP is just that - a poster's point of view.

I'm sorry OP. You must continue with your own lives and leave your DS to come to his own conclusions in his own time.

  1. The garden sofa gift was a nice thing
  2. Nobody caters for 40 fucking people without loads of effort (I would never expect that of my parents! goodness) so that was some misunderstanding and obviously not your fault
  3. You haven't been a terrible parent because why did they choose to live with you if you were?
howrudeforme · 26/09/2018 01:40

What a freaking nightmare for both sides. Seriously.

OP has previous, giving a family heirloom (setting up potential problems for future). Sending bit of garden furniture - no big deal but if tensions running ....

Middle aged English/Asian woman married to a man from another culture.

What I’ve learned is this. White UK marrying into non uk will tend to be dominated by the non UK heritage family. My white uk df married my Asian mother’s whole family! We had one nuclear family at home and one very Indian family when with mum’s family.

Luckily my uk df was fine as he had loads experience living in other countries. Dm family could not reciprocate (and probably needed books on cultural guidance - absolutely - all sides please). But we did not suffer from religious differences - each was respected.

Dgrandma didn’t get a look in. Df went along with whole thing (but tongue in cheek, I think). And we made sure my dgm was loved equally.

Many years on I married a Southern European here In London and his entire family and their culture completely trumped my Asian /English one!

I had to have 2 weddings - and they were driven by h family and completely non accommodating of dietary requirements of some of my family (we were merely asking for alternative options for veggie and non beef - not to ban these items).

Could not be accommodated as alternative options as affront to their southern european culture. Hey ho. And so it goes on (and on), these days. I felt like a guest at my own wedding.

Give the OP a bit of a break on the guest at wedding thing.

OP - it’s not about you.

Yup, dry weddings are boring.

Your son is embracing a new culture for him (yawn) (these days it’s a big thing), - he’s probably trying to be more like his dw culture than she is.

Don’t manipulate - your ds will come back to contact you when ready. I lost myself when I married - I’m now drifting back to my cultures.

Apologise where you have to and step back.

Jackietheduck · 26/09/2018 02:01

In my opinion, your DIL sounds rude. However, I think she could probably write a thread about what you have done that irritated her too.

Perhaps you have very different personalities and you must recognise that and accept that you will not have the type of relationship with your DS, DIL and any grandchildren that you thought you would have.

Your posts are all of disapproval and a disapproval you seem to think is justified because you have done so much for them. And you certainly have done a lot for them. But did they ask for it? Plead with you to help them buy a property? I wonder what emotional price they paid for it all?

Your son is nearing thirty. You don't get a say in his career choices. You can disapprove all you like in your head but you can't show or voice your disapproval. You don't have any right to that that to another adult unless they specifically ask you for your opinion and even then you thread carefully so it isn't personal.

I have in laws who are extremely manipulative and controlling. They scheme and hatch plans. It is upsetting as I have learned not to trust them and I tell them as little as possible as they get very over involved and work on people like a pack of wolves until they get their own way. I dislike them more every time I see them. The best I can do is avoid them as much as possible.

I don't know what you can do but if it was me, I'd take a huge step back and would not pursue it. Send your son a card for his birthday. Do not expect a response. Send cards for the big celebrations in both cultures. Perhaps if they have a baby, he will allow you to meet the baby and you can thread very gently if this is the case. Allow them to open the door. Don't try to push it open yourself.

It really is a sad situation.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/09/2018 02:21

DIL sounds like a controlling diva and I agree you would get a very different response if the sexes were reversed. Her family also sound very rude turning up like that and being such bad guests.

That said if you want a relationship with DS you are going to have to tread softly with them.

someonekillbabyshark · 26/09/2018 02:28

As horrible as it sounds I'd leave your son to it, sounds like a piece of work to me to disrespect you after everything you did for them and their secret affairs.....

GinIsIn · 26/09/2018 02:36

If the relationship had already broken down and you weren’t on good terms, how did you know she’d expressed the week before a desire to own that particular item of furniture....?

It’s very interesting how your story has changed from your earlier posts and previous threads.

You are NC with your own MIL. You resent your daughter’s MIL. Yet you can’t understand why you aren’t being showered with praise as a MIL..... hmm.

SwanConvoy · 26/09/2018 02:58

To be honest having read your further posts they sound like a complete nightmare... I think in desperation to be 'accepted' into his wife's family your son has been prepared to sacrifice his own.

He had years of being told he would never be accepted. Then they 'allow' him in and it is as though he has been given this golden, once in a life time opportunity he never thought he would get and is pursuing it at all costs. Giving up is career, his home and his family. I bet he has distanced himself from any friends he had before she came along too?

He handed a huge amount of power and control over to his wife and it seems to me she is abusing it. As soon as he was 'in' with her family, you were surplus to requirements in her eyes.

Don't pander to them anymore. The more you beg and plead the more badly they will behave. Cool it off, remain civil but keep the door open. You have done everything you can. He may well wake up at some point and start to try and build bridges with you again.

All the best, what an awful situation.

fieryginger · 26/09/2018 03:09

I totally agree with what the previous poster said. What a horrible situation op. You don't deserve this treatment.

Talking to your gp and telling them how ill this is making you feel, they might offer you some counselling and it would be good to talk to someone impartial, to help you offload.

I'd get a message to him saying that you love him, you meant no offence and your door is always open and let it lie for a while.

Good look op. 💐💐💐

user1457017537 · 26/09/2018 03:33

You can, of course, buy garden furniture all year round. I wonder if when you bought the house for them DIL thought you were going to hand it over lock stock and barrel. It sounds like you have, quite rightly, kept control of the property for your DC to inherit. It has happened I’m my extended family where partners have expected to have control of financial assets and set about disrupting everything to get their own way as they don’t want to wait.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/09/2018 03:46

No-one wants surprise furniture.

You can’t blame your son for your or your husband’s health issues. Certainly not too him.

Lunch after the wedding sounds like a cultural misunderstanding and as if you may have embarrassed your son in front of in laws?

You sound as if you may feel quite competitive/jealous of her parents? (Be honest with yourself). If so your son will have noticed.

Back off for a bit - and then maybe try again - starting with an apology and demonstrating that you are willing to put boundaries around your behaviour. The fact that you can only see sending furniture as a ‘goid’ thing makes me think you may have crossed lots of boundaries (we had unwanted furniture issues in our early days of marriage as well - it felt very controlling - not quite the same story a yours but nonetheless very stressful).

user1457017537 · 26/09/2018 03:48

It was an item of furniture they had picked out which the Op very kindly surprised them with. Not some old cast off they had no room for

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/09/2018 03:53

You sound as if you may feel quite competitive/jealous of her parents

As with your DD’d MIL, and I have no idea what’s going on with your own. But leaving her aside, there does seem to be a pattern.

TheObwaldhutte · 26/09/2018 04:00

OP I have read most of this thread as we are in a similar situation to you. I think part of o why they are NC with you is probably because it's absolutely vital that the fact of the 5 year long relationship with your son never reaches the ears of her parents. It is easier to lose you two than suffer the consequences from her parents.
Since the issues started with my step children I have studied the phenomenon of going NC for seemingly small reasons and have come to the conclusion that often it is a 'check and balance' decision on future perceived threat to the relationship. No more and no less.

TheObwaldhutte · 26/09/2018 04:01

Meant to add..... and no amount of wondering, pushing and trying to apologise will ever change the hard facts that have had the DS and the DIL change their mind.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/09/2018 04:04

Him giving up a promising career to move in with her parents and half his salary and no prospects. He only told us 3 weeks before he moved

Missed 11 pages. But what I said before. And the above. None of your business. My MIL was pretty pissed of when dh gave up the City career I think. But the big issue for her really was that we moved to my home town.

He’s an adult son (nearly 30?) so his choice.

I honestly would advise counselling of some sort and look at your boundaries and also start to see your adult son as an adult with his own agency.

We haven’t ever come close to nc with my in laws but lack of boundaries (which included issues with furniture & disapproval of where we lived - even before we moved near to my family) and not seeing us as grown ups have been ongoing issues for decades were definitely two of the biggest issues in our early years and damaged the relationship. I have tried different ways to make the situation tolerable (it makes me miserable, so must be the same for them) - and it just comes back to boundaries. When there are clear boundaries things are fine. When not, more problematic.

Work on seeing your son as an adult who is entitled to do exactly what he likes including things you don’t approve of (such as living/working wherever he likes). If you can get to the stage where you honestly believe that your relationship has a chance.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/09/2018 04:08

It was an item of furniture they had picked out which the Op very kindly surprised them with. Not some old cast off they had no room for

And they didn’t ask for. Our issues were with new furniture including one that from their point of view they would say we asked for. I can’t be bothered to go into the details of our case but believe me people can get very controlling even with new furniture. Sending any furniture as a ‘surprise’ is a very bad idea. Unless you’re sending it to someone who has a very large, very empty house.

TheStopAndChat · 26/09/2018 04:25

OP, like others have said, you seem to have issues with everyone. There seems to be a lot of jealousy on your side and I have no doubt that fuels your actions. I don't think you are being completely honest about this situation and I can understand that.
Reading between the lines, I also think it's possible that your 'gifts' may have strings attached. Implied or overt. That' part is just a guess but we aren't really going to get an honest answer I don't think.
I would suggest counselling. If you truly want a relationship with your son you need to be honest with yourself and those around you. Counselling may help you understand boundaries and healthy emotions.

KeiTeNgeNge · 26/09/2018 05:28

I think there must be more here than meets the eye

Eeevvvveee · 26/09/2018 05:48

I'd be interested to hear their side of the story. My own mother who I am NC with because of her manipulative and controlling behaviour could write something similar to this - she's great at twisting things and playing the victim. The buying of furniture particularly reminds me of something she would do - she has a habit of making elaborate gestures and then using them to blackmail us into doing whatever she wants. For example, she phoned up and paid off the venue of my wedding without asking my permission (we were paying in installments) and then used that to try to control the whole day and have power over my guest list, or she booked us a family holiday wihout asking which we didn't want to go on because it was actually really inconvenient but she basically cried until we agreed to go,and then used the fact that she had paid to not only control every single second of our time on the trip but also to control what we did afterwards (still to this day have those things mentioned in a list of all the things she's done for us when we dare to defy her in anyway). I understand that you're not my mother and I'm probably being unfair to you but it does just ring a bell for me and I'm wondering why your DS and DIL felt they couldn't accept the furniture?

Eeevvvveee · 26/09/2018 06:00

Although saying that, your daughter in law does sound like a bitch herself and like she's deliberately making problems. Hmmm. Difficult one.

Namethecat · 26/09/2018 06:03

Sadly you can't make,force, plead , tell your adult son to be back in contact. He is an adult , he makes his own decisions ( abet with influence from his wife ) but even then that is his decision to do that.
You have to accept ( for your own well being ) that he does want nc.
I say this with 10+ years of experience. I have an adult child ( with different reasons ) who choose this path. In that time they married and have started a family. I have tried to 're kindle a relationship to no avail. I send birthday cards and Christmas cards and an occasional letter to keep some contact and hopefully an open door. I don't and never had a reply ( including sending money ) I still hope that one day they will want contact but I do understand it will be because they want to and have not been MADE to .