Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Step-baby

527 replies

LateLatte · 24/09/2018 23:29

How long should a step-baby wait to meet its new baby sibling? Assuming baby and Mother are well and hospital/babies home is within 30 minutes of where the older sibling lives and can be dropped off by another family member?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 27/09/2018 18:22

It's not a question of loving them enough or the same. Of my stepchildren I love one more than the other two because she's the only daughter I'm ever going to have and because she's engaging, funny, kind and generous. I love her just as much as I love my son.

BUT - and it's a big but - we both treat all of them exactly the same. Neither of us differentiates between the four of them. And that's the important bit. I'd absolutely hate my stepchildren to think they mattered less to me than my own son, I really hope they don't.

user838383 · 27/09/2018 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 18:35

blue up thread its been suggested they should get special treatment though and is often suggested on other threads. You cant do both.

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 18:55

Treating them the same sometimes means you have to try harder.

flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 19:04

But trying harder with step kids than bio kids means youre treating them differently....

If you start making special effort for step kids and not bio kids that creates its own set of issues!!

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 19:11

No, treating them the same sometimes means that you have to think more about what you do and say. You put more in to get the same out, if that makes sense. I'm not sure that I'm explaining it that well. I guess what I mean is that it's not instinctive with stepchildren the way it is with your own.

AliceRR · 27/09/2018 19:17

I think any SM probably does try harder with step children. Even if they ultimately do less for or care less for the step child than their own child: they still try harder as it is less instinctive and maybe doesn’t come naturally.

In many cases the step child has two parents to love him or her and put them first. A SM has a role to play but I don’t agree that means putting the step children ahead of her own needs or own children’s needs.

To do so would mean the step child potentially had three or four adults treating them as a priority while the children from the new relationship just just have Mum and Dad, one or both of whom is spreading their love and care among a number of children.

Not sure I explained that well 🙄

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 19:20

Fortunately love isn't finite.

cactusplant · 27/09/2018 19:22

To you they have a baby and "it's been over 36 hours"

To them they have a baby who is only 36 hours old.

There isn't a right or wrong. There might be circumstances you don't know. They might just be enjoying their little bubble or struggling to establish breastfeeding.

I certainly wouldn't be bitter about it. It's been hours, not months. Just be adult about it and send a nice message saying congratulations, ds is so excited to meet his sibling, let me know when you're settled and I can drop him off for a visit.

AliceRR · 27/09/2018 19:22

No but if everyone is putting the first borns first then there comes a point when the subsequent children would be sidelined but sometimes it seems like MN think that’s ok as long as the first children are not affected at al by the fact their parents are not together! Inevitably they will be...

Anyway I sense I am being drawn in to the web!

Good luck OP

I hope your son sorts things out with his dad

Original poster
LateLatte · 27/09/2018 20:21

"@funinthesun18

1)The baby is a he or she, not an “it”. Just like your DS has never been an “it”. I know you feel some resentment towards this baby but come on. Grow up.

  1. Your DS isn’t being pushed out by the baby. The baby is a child too and doesn’t get a say in anything. Channel your frustrations at your ex, not the baby. Not even the new mum."

Don't be disgusting and so pedantic. I have no bad feeling towards this baby whatsoever. I've seen a photo and IT is gorgeous. IT is also being called an 'IT' because I wanted to maintain some degree of anonymity. I regret identifying my DS as that and not DC. Whilst the sex of the baby is not identified on here it prevents people from being able to work out who I could be - the details that I have shared I don't imagine being well known to friends and family.

You're reading way too much into that.

@PrincessScarlett

No paternal GP and Aunt. From the Dad's side. Who also pass our housing estate as they drive from our town to the hospital.

@InertPotato I can't fathom it either. I could never have a child with a person like that. I think they must think things will be different for them.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 20:25

latte a person like what?

Dollymixture22 · 27/09/2018 20:30

Are you annoyed by this? What age is your son - is he nip Aggie you to meet this baby - who is not his step sibling, they are his half sibling.

Try not to make an issue if something that should be a happy occasion.

Original poster
LateLatte · 27/09/2018 20:31

@AssassinatedBeauty Thu 27-Sep-18 13:02:13
Was there any explanation, @LateLatte, about the delay before your son could meet his new sibling? Or was that not mentioned

None. Though ex isn't speaking to me at the moment following an argument (I've posted before about this) otherwise I would have asked.

poster @InertPotato Thu 27-Sep-18 13:45:33
Seriously, no good parent asserts their right to privacy over their child's feelings on the day where their entire family eco-system is re-shuffled.

When was the last time anyone asserted their rights at their child's expense?

Weird logic, unless you consider a step-child subordinate to a real child, in which case it makes sense.

100% and pretty much each of your posts since! You eloquently put the way I feel about ex and his wife. She has know DS for over 6 years, if she had embraced a relationship with him she would not feel awkward at all. Some SMs may not love DC like her own, but I swear my DH loves my DS the same as DD who is his and I would never have settled for a man that didn't, so why would my ex settle for a woman who couldn't do the same?

OP posts:
cactusplant · 27/09/2018 20:31

Maybe it will be different for her. Maybe that's not actually your business op.

As for your son feeling pushed out. Why would he? I don't see why a child would even think that? Unless he's hearing it from you? Very odd, you should be the one reassuring him he's not pushed out if he does feel that for the first "36 hours of this babies life"
God imagine not even being alive 36 hours without your dads ex making your birth all about her. It doesn't even sound like an issue. You've updated to say he's visited now. What's your problem? Leave the poor woman alone and get on with your own life

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 20:32

But, latte, you did have a child with a person like that. You know, the one who's being a shitty dad to your son.

Johndoe10 · 27/09/2018 20:34

Treating them the same sometimes means you have to try harder

Blue you couldn’t have been more succinct or clearer, but I think these ladies never ever be able to grasp it. Save your breath. You sound like an amazing step mum

Original poster
LateLatte · 27/09/2018 20:36

poster @Bluelady - 's not a question of loving them enough or the same. Of my stepchildren I love one more than the other two because she's the only daughter I'm ever going to have and because she's engaging, funny, kind and generous. I love her just as much as I love my son.

BUT - and it's a big but - we both treat all of them exactly the same. Neither of us differentiates between the four of them. And that's the important bit. I'd absolutely hate my stepchildren to think they mattered less to me than my own son, I really hope they don't.

Much respect. This would be my approach to SC. Make the effort, get to know them and push for an unconditional love, you may bond more with another which is fine but you never ever let them feel that XX

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 20:38

but I swear my DH loves my DS the same as DD who is his

Maybe so but he also probably has a better relationship with him as they live together.

Its not directly comparable is it.

GunpowderGelatine · 27/09/2018 20:39

Aw it's a shame our coven who believe it's fine to not love a step child exactly the same as a bio child can't come and join in your love in. You sound like such lovely huns

flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 20:39

john crawl back into your hole.

GunpowderGelatine · 27/09/2018 20:40

That was to John and blue

Johndoe10 · 27/09/2018 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GunpowderGelatine · 27/09/2018 20:42

Treating them the same sometimes means you have to try harder

I wonder if this kind of thing is spouted by people who've only ever had lovely step children from toddler age and not the women who have step children from teenagers who hit them and their bio children, swear, steal and break things left right and centre. Clearly the mums just aren't trying hard enough 🤦🏼‍♀️

Johndoe10 · 27/09/2018 20:42

Gun that makes no sense at all Grin

Feeling ok?

Swipe left for the next trending thread