Step-baby

[LateLatte]

How long should a step-baby wait to meet its new baby sibling? Assuming baby and Mother are well and hospital/babies home is within 30 minutes of where the older sibling lives and can be dropped off by another family member?

My children didn't meet their new step sister until she was around a week old. Their dad also didn't actually let them know she had been born, I found out via my ex MIL. His wife's older daughter visited the day the baby was born. My children were 5 and 6 and heartbroken. I understand not feeling up to many visitors, especially excited young children but it has damaged their long term relationship with their dad and his 'new' family 😕

I still maintain my views on a woman's right to not have visitors or certain visitors (yes that includes kids) come visit the baby ubtik she is ready for that, however it's a bit off that it took your ex a while day to send a text message to his son!

Was there any explanation, @LateLatte, about the delay before your son could meet his new sibling? Or was that not mentioned?

Of course it's her right, Gunpowder, but it's pretty crass to allow an aunt to visit before the baby's half brother. And it's the dad's fault that happened, not the new mum's.

Seriously, no good parent asserts their right to privacy over their child's feelings on the day where their entire family eco-system is re-shuffled.

When was the last time anyone asserted their rights at their child's expense?

Weird logic, unless you consider a step-child subordinate to a real child, in which case it makes sense.

I would Inert. If I wasn't up to visitors my kids would have to wait before seeing their sibling. Bad parent here 🙄

@Bluelady I agree it's poor form on the part of the father

I agree with you Inert. I was in hdu with sepsis and didn't feel up to visitors after my youngest was born. My older dc still came though because as a parent you sometimes have to suck it up and put their needs first. My parents and in-laws had to wait until I was feeling better though.

You have to accept that the mother’s feelings (the ex who just gave birth) towards having her step child to visit immediately after giving birth may differ from how she might feel if he were her own child

The child’s father should take steps to make sure his son doesn’t feel sidelined but it’s not purely his decision as to when his son visits

@LateLatte

5 days does seem like a long time. Were the other relatives actually invited over though or did they just pounce as soon as they knew the baby was home? Still though 5 days seems like a long time to meet a half-sibling.

I've never met my younger half-brother, because my now former step-mother went to great lengths to cut off all contact between him and his paternal family after the divorce. So I can understand how it would hurt your son to feel like a second class citizen in meeting his own sibling.

A sort of side question:

We all know that it’s not uncommon for existing children to be pushed aside when NRPs start new families (or even when it’s the RP as in my case). If this happens, I’d it better for parents to explain to the children the reality rather than give them false reassurance?

I honesty can’t work out what the best way forward would be, but I feel like constantly feeding a ‘mummy/daddy won’t treat you any differently now they have a new baby’ narrative in the face of the obvious could be harmful.

I’m just asking hypothetically - I’m not even nearly in this position but I do know several people who are and children often seem sidelined and confused.

Except in my last post oh and subsequent ones where i said he should have been in touch john cant you fucking read

Also you know shite all about me so saying "its really telling" on a thread as if you know my entire life story and what kind of step parent i am based on 1 thread on mumsnet.... its embarrassing.

I know our local maternity unit only allowed children that lived in the same home to visit. Not sure if it's like that now.

You have to accept that the mother’s feelings (the ex who just gave birth) towards having her step child to visit immediately after giving birth may differ from how she might feel if he were her own child

Sure. Which is why (to repeat) blended families are absolutely shite for the older kids involved. They have to live with a woman who does not love him as she does her own, and in this particular case, cannot even be bothered to act as though she does for this child's sake.

Of course, the kids can always just live with their mothers, freeing the fathers to go on and have second families without having to worry about this sort of thing.

inert

I dont love my friends kids like my own, or even other kids related to me. Doesnt mean i dont care about them.

That post illustates a lot of peoples attitude towards blended families and frankly, its disgusting.

Actually you post quite a lot on threads so I see you tone towards ex’s and kids on there.

And yeah you give this token

Yes it is down to the dad but op should also reassure him -so in the same sentence you, touch slightly on the dads behaviour but jump straight in to the blame game with mum. The but in that sentence means you don’t really mean anything before it.

Then we go to this :-

Why would u want your own child to think his dad doesnt give a shit?

Your actually accusing the op as being the reason why her son is feeling shit. Which is pretty breathtakingly warped.

@InertPotato It might be rubbish for be older child. I completely get that. I can’t imagine being happy if my parents had split up and had children with other people. I’m fortunate to have not been in that position. But this is the product of two people having children and not being able to make things work. It is not the SM’s fault for not loving another child the same way as her own. And I know she chose it (which is often what is said - “you knew he had kids”) but it doesn’t mean her feelings no longer matter as she has a step child”... It is a difficult situation and I would like to think that usually everyone is doing their best.

john i cant argue with stupid.

You know literally nothing about me and youre twisting every single post ive written!

Oh the irony of someone who makes jokes about a poster's near death experience telling someone else they're warped (yes I'm still mad about it and will continue to mention it)

And yes you are twisting everything flamingo says it's utterly pathetic

A stepchild especially one the woman has not been around since they were small such as a teen may not be somebody she wants around when she is feeling this way especially a teenage boy. She deserves whatever makes her happy and comfortable at the time in her life where she may feel the most vulnerable. This may explain why some are happy to have their own children around as they can be themselves around them. Thats how I felt anyway (not that anybody listened or cared but there you go).

Here we go again.

If this new family has been formed in such a way that the new mother can't feel comfortable around her stepson, even a dreaded teenager, or she can't feel a tug of tenderness for her husband and his need to include his older son that compels her to put her feelings aside, then the father has screwed up. He has rushed the process without due consideration of his existing child.

Why you'd want to have a baby with such a man is beyond me, but men always get a free pass when it comes to second families so it's more of the same.

I think this is an interesting discussion but let’s be mindful of whether this is helping OP and whether there is anything to be achieved by labouring one’s one point.

It is quite usual for there to be a difference in opinion about this and for some people to identify more with one person in the scenario than the other(s).

I think if you look at the “How do
You honestly feel about your step children” thread in the step parenting board, you can see that it is quite unusual for a man or a woman to love someone else’s child more than their own.

It is an unfair thing to ask a step parent to do this and I think if people who say that should put themselves in the step parents position, could they actually say that they love children that are not theirs to the same extent that they love their own children?

I do think that it’s an awful position for a child to be in once their parents have split up, however, I do feel that the step parents get vilified and that’s not fair, because unless one of the parents had an affair with the step parent and that ended the relationship, the parents of the child decided to have that child and those parents are responsible for their relationship and working at it, if that relationship breaks down, the reason for that happening lies with the mother or father of that child or both, and not the step parent who more often than not comes along years later!

Probably an unpopular opinion, but again I feel quite strongly that step parents get a raw deal when all they’re doing is loving someone and trying their best xx

Why does a child need a step parent to love them as much as that step parents' genetic child? I really don't get it. Why is standard step parent love not enough? Why is it being compared at all?