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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step-baby

527 replies

LateLatte · 24/09/2018 23:29

How long should a step-baby wait to meet its new baby sibling? Assuming baby and Mother are well and hospital/babies home is within 30 minutes of where the older sibling lives and can be dropped off by another family member?

OP posts:
PipeTheFuckDown · 27/09/2018 06:32

Haven’t RTFT but my DSS didn’t meet my baby, his half sibling, for 10 days. Birth was grand, but baby was in NICU with Sepsis. He was 13. His half sibling on his Mums side had a long NICU stay a few years prior and he said it would be too upsetting to see another newborn sibling in NICU Sad I felt so terrible for him, gently told him that it was entirely his decision and if he changed his mind at any point to just pop a text, day or night, and we’d come and get him. It didn’t affect their bond and he was happy with his decision.

Original poster
LateLatte · 27/09/2018 08:06

This thread haa gone off on many tangents.

The facts as I now know them - DS was informed of the birth the day after baby was born. The day the baby was born, grandparents and a paternal Auntie visited. I don't know if paternal uncles visited too on that day. So DS wasn't even told of the baby's arrival until after people had visited.

There is no 'no children's policy at the hospital.

DS didn't get to meet the baby until it was 5 days old.

I don't feel that is a reassuring to a child, (remember he is still a CHILD) that they will not be pushed out by a new baby.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 08:52

Maybe you should reassure him then op? Instead of reaffirming his view (if that is his view) that he will be pushed out?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/09/2018 09:03

He's 14 so is old enough to understand OP. This is about you I think.

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 09:06

Thanks for the update, OP. Well, that's given him the message loud and clear about where he comes in the pecking order, hasn't it? His dad's a dick, but what can you do? Really sorry, OP, it's rubbish for him.

flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 09:13

Thanks for the update, OP. Well, that's given him the message loud and clear about where he comes in the pecking order, hasn't it? His dad's a dick, but what can you do? Really sorry, OP, it's rubbish for him

except it hasn't at all has it Hmm

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 09:20

Grandparents and aunts first? You'd have to be blind and deaf to mss that one. But it's pretty obvious you'd disagree with me if I said snow is white, flamingo.

flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 09:22

no blue I just have a different opinion to you on this one issue. You had made your mind up from the op and ds's dad and step mum were nasty shits who hate him anyway.

flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 09:23

and why not grandparents first? the SM might have had her mum there anyway...

Ds grandparents met him before DSS did because my mum was there, and DPs mum and dad turned up uninvited to the hospital.

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 09:30

I think the dad's a dick, so you're right there. He's shown zero sensitivity and done nothing to make his son feel included. As has been pointed out endlessly, the father is the gatekeeper in this situation, he's opened the gate to an aunt, not to his son.

I've made no comment on the stepmum, it's not her responsibility to maintain her partner's communication with his son and, as has been pointed out ad nauseum, she's been a bit busy.

cadburyegg · 27/09/2018 09:31

YANBU OP. Siblings should be first to meet the new baby after birth partners.

FWIW I had DS2 on a Sunday evening. Would have happily had DS1 to visit at the hospital on the Monday but they had a no kids policy due to infection control/norovirus risk etc (it was winter). We came home Monday night and DH collected DS1 from my parents house at the Tuesday lunchtime and we spent the rest of the day just the 4 of us. Grandparents didn’t visit until the Wednesday. I realise that they are full siblings and in this case DS1 is not the mums child but it was important to us that DS1 didn’t feel pushed out so we insisted on him meeting baby first.

WhiteCat1704 · 27/09/2018 10:29

YABU
Siblings should meet the new baby when both babys parents are comfortable with it. It heavily depends on your sons relationship with his SM.

My own experience has been of a bitter, disturbed ex who tried to cause trouble. I was recovering from a very traumatic birth experience and thankfully my DH shielded me from the drama but I later found out ex was telling teenage SD that she is not part of our family as we didn't bring her to the hospital.
SD met the baby straight after we came home and it was appropriate. She was actually the first one. It didn't even occur to me when I was in hospital to think of her...I didn't have any visitors(except DH).

Johndoe10 · 27/09/2018 10:39

Maybe you should reassure him then op? Instead of reaffirming his view (if that is his view) that he will be pushed out

You honestly can’t have a day off can you flamingo you really do have a problem towards stepchildren don’t you? Or is it ex’s ? I think it’s that. Maybe your own experiences warp your view. why is it down to the mum? It’s his dad who should be doing that Hmm

OP thanks for coming back on. His dad is a massive dick.

Johndoe10 · 27/09/2018 10:42

You had made your mind up from the op and ds's dad and step mum were nasty shits who hate him anyway

Please point to a single post where it implies this.

Most posters got the gist from the first OP others turned the thread in to their own chip on the shoulder.

Faerie87 · 27/09/2018 10:50

Just to put another angle on this, when I was on the maternity ward it was a shared ward where other children (siblings) were able to visit.

The lady next to me had her older daughter visit, and the daughter to put it lightly was kicking off massively, and just being disruptive. The mother even said to me she would not have her children visiting again because it really stressed her and the baby out :-(

When I was there my baby’s half sister did not visit the hospital, but to be fair she was at school and lives quite a distance away so it would not have been feasible for her to come. I did feel a bit bad for her as I felt she should be there and grandparents and my sister got to see DD before her half sis, but she did not mind waiting until a few days in when we were settled (or as much as you can be!) at home.

OP it also might be that with all due respect to your son, his step mother might not feel comfortable BF in front of him and from what I remember there was a few times while I was in where midwives would give an intimate exam something she also may not feel comfortable with.

I do feel for your son though, his dad should have been in contact sooner and kept him up to date on when he could see his half sibling.

Hope it works out :-) xx

InertPotato · 27/09/2018 11:32

Your son's dad is a complete shite. I'd like to think that if my husband went off and had a baby with another woman, we'd be in touch about how he planned to keep our kids from feeling left out.

funinthesun18 · 27/09/2018 11:35

  1. The baby is a he or she, not an “it”. Just like your DS has never been an “it”. I know you feel some resentment towards this baby but come on. Grow up.

  2. Your DS isn’t being pushed out by the baby. The baby is a child too and doesn’t get a say in anything. Channel your frustrations at your ex, not the baby. Not even the new mum.

flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 12:06

john clearly i dont have a problem with step children as i have one living with me. Hmm

Yes it is down to the dad but op should also reassure him. Why would u want your own child to think his dad doesnt give a shit?

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 12:14

His dad's told him he doesn't give a shit about him. Why would OP try and gaslight him by pretending he hasn't?

Johndoe10 · 27/09/2018 12:19

john clearly i dont have a problem with step children as i have one living with me hmm

You can still resent your stepkids whilst they live with you. Your whole tone towards the step son is unpleasant, hopefully you don’t treat your SS the same.

You believe the mother should cover up for his fathers shitness. Not even since the OP updated, have you admitted that the dad is at fault - you’ve put the responsibility to hide that on to the mother

It’s really telling

Longlostpals · 27/09/2018 12:25

DH had phoned DSD (7) to tell her she had a sister before I'd even come round from surgery. It was too late that evening for her to meet DD but she came straight from school the next day. Wouldn't have had anyone else being the first to meet DD.

klondike555 · 27/09/2018 12:33

The dad is a dick.

InertPotato · 27/09/2018 12:45

I don't understand parents moving on and having babies with new partners who don't love their stepchildren. Where's their animal, primal, parent love?

That's bad parenting, and your child quite possibly be the one left out in the cold with he moves on and has a new baby with someone else. Then you'll understand why the OP's feeling defensive of her son's feelings.

PrincessScarlett · 27/09/2018 12:46

Thanks for the update OP.

Grandparents visiting were presumably new mum's parents so I think that is reasonable.

Also, I'm assuming your DS is in school so as he doesn't live with his dad there is limited time he could have actually met the baby. Add on to that the fact after school/evenings can be stressful with a new baby and lack of sleep, establishing breast feeding etc so the limited time DS could visit might not be best for the mum and baby.

In any event I think it is your DS's dad who is at fault and should have been in touch/ more inclusive rather than step mum.

I'm pleased your DS has now met his half sibling.

Faerie87 · 27/09/2018 12:48

I agree the dad has been really thoughtless and not really thought about his DS in this instance, a text straight away keeping in him the loop should have been sent.

This is also not the step mums fault I agree it’s her decision after having the baby who she’s comfortable with seeing her and the baby in hospital especially if she’s quite vulnerable.

Op I’m not saying you should condone this thoughtless behaviour from the your ex but I would definitely not tell your son your dad can’t be arsed with him now that he’s got a new family, as that would massively upset your son and is probably not necessarily true! I’m not sticking up for the father here but he’s probably so shell shocked he’s not thinking straight!

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