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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will unfair or not?

178 replies

tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 18:55

I will start by saying I have name changed as I don't want to offend members of my family
I have had 30 years of mental health problems, but am considered high functioning so am capable of making my own decisions. Problem is when I do I am repeatedly shouted down by my family and told 'don't be so stupid' (when I have an opinion which differs from theirs). As a result I am now not sure if I am being reasonable or not. Please help me see....
I was a wild child for many years and certainly the black sheep of the family. I guess teenage rebellion didn't calm down until I was in my 30's (mental health mixed in). I am for the most part stable, however have been conned by men- in 2 serious relationships I have been financially abused (low self esteem and conned by a narc. For which I am still undergoing therapy, so please be nice). I admit I have never been great with money and my parents have bailed me out before now.
My brother is a high flyer and has never stepped a foot out of line. He is their golden boy and it has been made clear they feel like that from childhood. I understand he has put up with a lot of crap caused by me over the years. I love him as my brother, but pretty sure the feeling I not mutual. He tolerates me, but would rather I wasn't around.
My parents are currently setting up a trust fund for their will. It is being set up for my brothers 2 children, my brother and I, so a 25% split each way.
Am I unreasonable to think this is unfair? I have no children so they cannot be included, but my niece and nephew get 50% of my parents inheritance. My brother would be an executor along with a lawyer, so I would have no say, and even if I did, it would be 3 votes to 1. If it came down to a request later, my brother could (and probably would) decline it. He stands to gain with effectively 75% share and a vested interest in his children first.
I know it is my parents money and they can do what they want with it, but I feel I am being seen off in this. Am I being unreasonable or just ungrateful?

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 23/09/2018 18:58

Neither but I think it's okay what they've done and not strange. Having said that I'm surprised I feel that way.

Seen off?

Firesuit · 23/09/2018 18:58

It sounds like your parents have split their money evenly between all the descendants. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

TwistedStitch · 23/09/2018 19:00

I think it's fine. Presumably if you had a child they would amend it to include them?

HellenaHandbasket · 23/09/2018 19:01

A bit weird. Normally inheritances go to kids, they then distribute to their kids if they want to.

SweetSummerchild · 23/09/2018 19:02

It doesn’t seem unfair. They are treating all their children equally and all their grandchildren equally.

Your brother is not inheriting the money for the children. That will be for them.

Strongmummy · 23/09/2018 19:02

Well your brother could say the same, no? He’s not getting “his” share of the other 50%, his kids are.

At the end of the day your parents have made a decision. You don’t have to like it, but it’ll eat you up if you don’t accept it and move on

CoughLaughFart · 23/09/2018 19:04

As you say yourself, it’s their money. Presumably they would change their will if you had a child?

You seem to think your brother doesn’t deserve anything because he’s a ‘high flyer’. He would probably argue back that he’s worked hard and done everything right, while you were the ‘problem child’, yet you still get the same.

Original poster
tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 19:05

yes, if I had a child it would be included.
As I have none, and it is unlikely it will ever happen for me, any money I have left will be inherited by my niece and nephew anyway.
Is it not more fair for it to be 50-50 between my brother and I, with the children using his half and later the money I leave them?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 23/09/2018 19:05

I don’t think your brother will be allowed to have any control over the grandchildren’s money. It will be theirs to draw on at a specified age.

I do feel that wills are people choosing how to allocate their money and assets and “fair” is up to them. It may show them to be an arsehole but it’s still their money/asset. But in this case I don’t think they’re being arseholes.

LifeInPlastic · 23/09/2018 19:05

I think it’s fine. You and your brother are being treated equally. It’s ok for your parents to leave money to their grandchildren - they might want them to have money sooner than on the death of their parents, esp given the expense of uni, housebuying etc. I’m sure if you did have children, the split would be even between all children/grandchildren.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/09/2018 19:07

Do you feel you have a right to their money? That’s how it sounds.

LucyInTheParkWithDragons · 23/09/2018 19:08

They could have chosen with to split it between all their decedents, or between their kids.

Both are quite normal and fair, and 100% their choice.

TwistedStitch · 23/09/2018 19:08

I think it's fine for them to leave money directly to their grandchildren. They've left you and your brother equal amounts despite it sounding like they have previously helped you out financially.

Original poster
tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 19:09

Far from it CoughLaughFart, he has worked hard and deserve all he has. I am very proud of him for what he has achieved and would never say otherwise.
However, he effectively gets 75% of my parents money, which I find quite unfair. He also gets the say in what can and cant be spent with it, for which I feel he will decline most things I ever ask for. (I am talking a holiday or a reasonable car etc, not anything extravagant or stupid)

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 23/09/2018 19:09

I don't think it's unfair, exactly, but it's not the way I would choose to do it.

JasperCopeland · 23/09/2018 19:10

It's not how I would have left my own will, mine goes equally to my children, not to the generation below that. However, it's their money and their decision. But I do see your point.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/09/2018 19:10

He finest get 75%

MiddleClassProblem · 23/09/2018 19:10

*doesn’t

Fat thumbs

Strongmummy · 23/09/2018 19:12

Since when does he get 75%?!?!

LifeInPlastic · 23/09/2018 19:12

He doesn’t get 75%, he gets 25%, just like you do. He has no rights over, or interest in, his children’s money. If you can disabuse yourself of that notion, you might find your share to be a little fairer.

Coolaschmoola · 23/09/2018 19:13

You said yourself that your parents have bailed you out financially - but it doesn't sound like they've done the same for your brother. If they haven't then he could argue that it isn't fair that you get an equal share to him, because you've already had some money.

I think this way is actually fairer to YOU than it could have been.

Original poster
tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 19:14

what I mean is it is 75% to his family and 25 to me. Not 50-50 between the children.

OP posts:
flowerycurtain · 23/09/2018 19:16

Have they set up a discretionary trust fund?

Original poster
tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 19:16

Coolaschmoola, they have given to us both. While I have been bailed out my brother has also had cars from them etc. We have been given the same over the year, but for different things

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 23/09/2018 19:17

I think that you could ask that the will is worded in such a way that 50% is split between grandchildren alive at the time of death, so that if you or your brother had children they would be equally treated rather than two named recipients. You might also ask that you do not want your brother to have a right of veto over how you spend your 25%. Other than that it is your parent's money to divide as they see fit.

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