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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will unfair or not?

178 replies

tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 18:55

I will start by saying I have name changed as I don't want to offend members of my family
I have had 30 years of mental health problems, but am considered high functioning so am capable of making my own decisions. Problem is when I do I am repeatedly shouted down by my family and told 'don't be so stupid' (when I have an opinion which differs from theirs). As a result I am now not sure if I am being reasonable or not. Please help me see....
I was a wild child for many years and certainly the black sheep of the family. I guess teenage rebellion didn't calm down until I was in my 30's (mental health mixed in). I am for the most part stable, however have been conned by men- in 2 serious relationships I have been financially abused (low self esteem and conned by a narc. For which I am still undergoing therapy, so please be nice). I admit I have never been great with money and my parents have bailed me out before now.
My brother is a high flyer and has never stepped a foot out of line. He is their golden boy and it has been made clear they feel like that from childhood. I understand he has put up with a lot of crap caused by me over the years. I love him as my brother, but pretty sure the feeling I not mutual. He tolerates me, but would rather I wasn't around.
My parents are currently setting up a trust fund for their will. It is being set up for my brothers 2 children, my brother and I, so a 25% split each way.
Am I unreasonable to think this is unfair? I have no children so they cannot be included, but my niece and nephew get 50% of my parents inheritance. My brother would be an executor along with a lawyer, so I would have no say, and even if I did, it would be 3 votes to 1. If it came down to a request later, my brother could (and probably would) decline it. He stands to gain with effectively 75% share and a vested interest in his children first.
I know it is my parents money and they can do what they want with it, but I feel I am being seen off in this. Am I being unreasonable or just ungrateful?

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 23/09/2018 19:17

But you’ve already said that if you had a child it would be included.

TwistedStitch · 23/09/2018 19:18

But if it was split 50-50 then that would mean your brother and the 2 grandkids would get a lot less of the total share. They obviously want to leave money to their grandchildren independently of your brother so why shouldn't they?

DolorestheNewt · 23/09/2018 19:18

Your argument is based on the idea that a child has an unassailable right to an inheritance over a grandchild. That's clearly not how your parents see it. They see all four of you equally. It's not for you to question that.

You need to stop seeing it as 75% going to your brother. His kids are not him. There are four beneficiaries, not two.

I truly understand your disappointment but you really must let it go, or you'll be eaten up.

weaselish · 23/09/2018 19:20

I think it sounds more than fair. You said your parents have had to bail you out before so you will actually end up with more than your brother's 25%. They may also worry if they left you more you'd waste it....
And agree with others, the 50% to your brother's children should be taken out of the equation. Your brother doesn't "get" this money - they do.
It's up to your parents how they choose to allocate their will. My mum has decided to skip me and my brother and it all goes to our kids. No drama - her choice.

Chamomileteaplease · 23/09/2018 19:22

Why would your brother have a say in how you spend your inheritance? Why would it be a trust fund and not just given to you?

CoughLaughFart · 23/09/2018 19:23

However, he effectively gets 75% of my parents money, which I find quite unfair.

No he doesn’t. He gets 25%. So do each of his children. Quite why you think being childless means you get more money is beyond me.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 23/09/2018 19:26

I can feel why you would feel that way but if the money is in trust for your brother's children he is not actually benefitting from it is he?

When my great aunt died I was given an equal share with my mum, uncle and aunt. It was something that had been spoken of amongst my grandparents and great aunt since I was a child although I had never expected it. I am only child and would have benefitted indirectly through my mother.

When the estate was distributed I split my quarter share equally with my two cousins and my 5 children. We (my cousins and I) felt that the children were so important to my gt aunt she would have included them herself if she had a will and it made sense to us that we should split it with the children. I know it is slightly different because it wasn't a trust but the principle is the same - the great great nephews and nieces had the same as the great nephew and nieces.

LifeInPlastic · 23/09/2018 19:26

Actually, thinking about it, my PIL have set up trusts for all of our children. Each child gets x each. We have more children than DBIL. He’s not complained that it’s unfair because of either more being given (in total) to our children, or that a sizeable chunk is taken out of his and DH’s inheritance. PIL want all the kids to have the money independently of inheriting from their parents because life is going to be so much more expensive for the next generation. There’s no other way they’d be able to afford university, or to buy a house, otherwise. And they could be waiting another 40 years before we pass away - or the money could be eaten up in care home fees. Outside of a trust, a huge amount would also be taken in IHT.
I think it’s actually pretty sensible planning by your parents.

Original poster
tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 19:26

the grandchildren would benefit from both my brother and I. As I dont have (and am not likely to have) children, anything I leave will go to them anyway, similarly from my brother, who I assume would split it 50-50 to his children.
I get it is their money, I don't dispute that. I also don't want to see my niece and nephew with nothing, I am not saying that at all (all the money would filter to them anyway).

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 19:29

Oh come on, everyone, this is patently unfair! The OP is getting 25% and her brother's family is getting 75%. It's one thing leaving something to the grandchildren, but it shouldn't be the same amount as your own child. I can see why the OP is upset.

I know it's normal on MN for everyone to start shouting about entitlement but honestly I don't know any family where any money isn't left divided equally between the children. That's the norm, as far as I can see.

Maelstrop · 23/09/2018 19:30

Unless it’s a trust fund, you’ll get the 25% free and clear. Just because he’s executor doesn’t mean he controls the money. He’s just there to ensure everyone gets what is mentioned in the will. He executes your parent’s wishes.

LifeInPlastic · 23/09/2018 19:31

It might not all filter to them though OP. IHT, long term care, etc. Perhaps their motivation is that they want to leave a decent chunk to their grandkids so the money doesn’t get swallowed up. Sounds fair enough to me. Perhaps also, being blunt, they might consider that they’ve given you and you DB enough over the years.
You really need to let it go.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 19:33

Wills dont have to be fair or equal - they are suppose to reflect the wishes of the people making them.

With respect they are likely to be protecting their money from you, you did say you were not good with money and had been conned they are protecting their grandchildrens assets

Gersemi · 23/09/2018 19:34

It sounds like your parents have split their money evenly between all the descendants. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me

Not really. The likelihood is that the children get their father's share if he predeceases his parents, likewise when he dies, so they end up with 37.5% each whilst OP still has 25%.

Strongmummy · 23/09/2018 19:34

@trying, it wouldn’t necessarily filter to your niece and nephew at all. You might spend all your share. Your brother might spend all his share. Or you could both leave it to others.

eddielizzard · 23/09/2018 19:34

It's not what I would do, and I see why you feel it's unfair.

The thing that would really upset me, and correct me if I've got this wrong, but your brother would be a trustee for your trust and would therefore have final say on whatever withdrawals you made from the estate? I think this is blatantly unfair and I would ask your parents to rethink this. If they insist he's a trustee, then ask that they appoint another two so that he doesn't have a majority say.

Gersemi · 23/09/2018 19:35

@Quartz2208, they can't be protecting their money, otherwise they wouldn't leave OP 25%. People who want to protect their money do that by putting it in trust.

DolorestheNewt · 23/09/2018 19:35

All kinds of things could happen to prevent the money going from you to your nieces/nephews so nobody sensible would plan an inheritance that way. You seem to see your parents' relationship with their grandchildren as something filtered through the primary relationship with your brother, OP, and it isn't, it is s relationship in its own right. You have to try to see them as occupying the same space as you, if you see what I mean, in order to make sense of the situation.

HuntIdeas · 23/09/2018 19:37

what If there were more grandchildren born after your parents died? They obviously wouldn’t get a share at all - that’s the only thing I think is potentially unfair

zen1 · 23/09/2018 19:37

The OP says her parents are setting up a trust fund for their will. I can see why she’s worried her brother will have control over how she spends her share.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/09/2018 19:37

They may also worry if they left you more you'd waste it

I was wondering about this myself. It may not seem fair - or even true - but given you've already been conned by two men, isn't it perhaps an understandable concern for them to have?

Oakmaiden · 23/09/2018 19:37

My husband's father has left all his money to his girlfriend, with a small bequest to each of his grandchildren. Nothing to his sons.

The irony is his girlfriend washed her hands of him when he became ill, and he is no longer considered capable of managing his affairs and thus cannot change his will.

LifeInPlastic · 23/09/2018 19:38

eddie what if the OP’s parents have specifically made her DB trustee for her own protection? I very much doubt they’ve done any of this to be unfair.

Gersemi · 23/09/2018 19:38

OP, when you say your brother is an executor, do you mean that he is a trustee? They're very different situations - an executor has no choice but to pay out in accordance with the will, the trustee has more power to decide how the money is paid out.

umizoomi · 23/09/2018 19:39

Why is it unfair? If OP had kids presumably they would get equal inheritance. The brother is not profiting from his children - they will spend their money when they are old enough. The brother will spend his 25%

There is no guarantee that the children will get the money from OP and her brother. They might not have anything by the time they die.

The parents have treated each person equally.

Hypothetically OP, let's say you have one child. Your brother has two.
Your parents leave you and your brother 35% each and each grandchild 10%. His family has more than you. Do you see that as unfair too? And your child should have a higher percentage than their cousins?

By the time your niece and nephew inherit from you/your brother, you have absolutely NO idea how much if anything they will get.

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