Will unfair or not?

[tryingtostickupforme]

I will start by saying I have name changed as I don't want to offend members of my family
I have had 30 years of mental health problems, but am considered high functioning so am capable of making my own decisions. Problem is when I do I am repeatedly shouted down by my family and told 'don't be so stupid' (when I have an opinion which differs from theirs). As a result I am now not sure if I am being reasonable or not. Please help me see....
I was a wild child for many years and certainly the black sheep of the family. I guess teenage rebellion didn't calm down until I was in my 30's (mental health mixed in). I am for the most part stable, however have been conned by men- in 2 serious relationships I have been financially abused (low self esteem and conned by a narc. For which I am still undergoing therapy, so please be nice). I admit I have never been great with money and my parents have bailed me out before now.
My brother is a high flyer and has never stepped a foot out of line. He is their golden boy and it has been made clear they feel like that from childhood. I understand he has put up with a lot of crap caused by me over the years. I love him as my brother, but pretty sure the feeling I not mutual. He tolerates me, but would rather I wasn't around.
My parents are currently setting up a trust fund for their will. It is being set up for my brothers 2 children, my brother and I, so a 25% split each way.
Am I unreasonable to think this is unfair? I have no children so they cannot be included, but my niece and nephew get 50% of my parents inheritance. My brother would be an executor along with a lawyer, so I would have no say, and even if I did, it would be 3 votes to 1. If it came down to a request later, my brother could (and probably would) decline it. He stands to gain with effectively 75% share and a vested interest in his children first.
I know it is my parents money and they can do what they want with it, but I feel I am being seen off in this. Am I being unreasonable or just ungrateful?

Ah, but couldn’t the OP’s parents specifically want DB to have this power if veto, given the OP’s past? It sounds like this set up is as much about protecting the OP as dispersing their assets. There is already a neutral trustee - I suspect raising questions over this will set off alarm bells in the parents’ heads about what the OP might do with the money. I think the parents have probably thought about it a lot and taken good advice and have set up this specific arrangement for a reason.

Once a person becomes an executor, it all has to be done strictly according to the law. It wouldn't be "three votes to one" as you say, at all. Your brother and the appointed lawyer would have to do exactly as the will stipulated, there isn't any voting.

Your parents have obviously taken your circumstances into account and have made their wills according to their wishes. You need to get over it and move on with your life. It will ( hopefully) be years before the will is executed, and by then things will be different. They may spend all their money before they die, or they may need extensive aged care which might use up their money.

This sounds like a discretionary trust. All trustees including the lawyer will have to agree what is done with the funds. There is no 3:1 if there are two trustees...
The lawyer will be very alive to the tensions in the family within this situation OP. All trustees owe a duty of care to the beneficiaries. I suspect you are worrying needlessly. Your parents are taking into account your vulnerability when it comes to money. This must be hard to accept but I understand their reasoning.
You could ask your parents to appoint a third trustee whom you trust to make you feel a bit better?

YABU, you have no entitlement to your parents money- and it seems they are sharing it in a way they deem as fair. You are probably overthinking the beneficiary thing, it does become tricky with more than one person, and perhaps they just thought it was something he was more suited to doing.

It's very insulting to the parents to assume that they are not completely aware of the power they have given their son.

Do they have any cause to believe that their son will not honour their wishes. Expect that they're daughter who has made a series of bad choices doesn't like it.

I'd be really annoyed if OP came to me and tried to make demands. My reply would be suck it up buttercup.

I see where your coming from my mom has done worse she split it 50-50 then took my 50%and split it for my children I felt she didn't trust me enough to include my own kids in any inheritance it's taken me years to come to terms with it (my sister has no children btw I have three)

I think you need to treat your brother as a separate person to his children. He's not getting 75%, he's getting 25% as is each child, as are you. His children should not count as him and I don't feel you are viewing them as 3 individual people.

“I admit I have never been great with money and my parents have bailed me out before now”

Maybe your parents think you have already had your fair share

This is really normal. You're over thinking it because you feel the money will really help you.
Our money from Nan bypassed parents and went to Grandkids. 5 of them, 2 of us. So essentially far more money going to me cousins family? You can’t look at it like that. All the people that get to spend the money will be adults so it’s not family money, it’s for each different person. The moneys in trust so will go to those kids as Adults.

We have two children, one has two DC, one has one. Our estate is willed 50:50 to our DC, with a token amount going to each DGC. The parents can decide what their children get. Even if one of our DC had not had any children, we would have split it equally. At the time we made our will, one of the DC was substantially better off than the other, but that made no difference.

For us it was about showing we love and value them equally, and even though we adore our DGC, to have split the will any differently we felt could have been very hurtful. I really understand where the OP is coming from.

Personally, I think the fairest way is to split 50/50 between children. The grandchild then inherit from their parents in time. However, distributing it in the way your parents have done is a fairly common way of doing things. If your parents have bailed you out before, I really don’t think you can complain. Your nieces and nephews are inheriting in their own right so your brother gets no more than you. It’s just not the case that he gets 75%.Grandchildren are really loved by most grandparents. It is normal that they want to leave them something. Their action is out of love for grandchildren, not to snub you.

I do get what you are saying. It feels like 75% to his side plus control and 25% to you. I think the fact they have had to ball you out, and you have lost money to two bad relationships will have a lot to.do with it.

They have concerns about your choices, perhaps they think you would be a target and for unscrupulous people. By making your brother the Trustee I think they are trying to protect you - to ensure funds are available. How is your relationship with your brother? Can you discuss this with him when the time comes?

We have a similar family dynamic and set up OP. In our set up the elderly parents have decided to split the will just three ways and not 4 (x 2 younger nephews and to an older child with ASD/debt history). The high flying brother has agreed that he will receive no money in our case. The high flying brother has been appointed will executor but makes no personal financial gain; he's my DH. I think you have some flawed thinking in your assessment.

1. you are counting on having a future nest egg or cushion. Don't. If you've got a job, take steps to build your own cushion ....take isas out. Save. Hang onto that job and do your best at it. That's your insurance policy not the will.
2. you are viewing your DB and his kids as a single entity that ought to be apportioned one half in all. They are not. The kids are your parents grandchildren and potential beneficiaries in their own right.
3. you are assuming a level of deviousness from your brother. If he's a well off man, he won't want your money for his kids. That's very unlikely. What he'll be wanting is to avoid spending time fixing future headaches.

I think it’s unfair.

My thoughts are why are devoting your future for caring for your DPs. FGS woman get out there and get a life, sod your brother who doesn't even like you even you love him. You are setting yourself up to have your selfish DB and his spoilt DCs and the DPs ,you 'love' despite their favouritism for everyone else, dominating your future life and thoughts.
Get on your bike , get away from them, you're only 40 get your own independent life.

have your selfish DB and his spoilt DCs and the DPs ,you 'love' despite their favouritism for everyone else,

What are you basing any of this BS on?
What is the brothers crime?! Being a stable and financial sound individual?

Maybe he doesn't like OP because of what she has repeatedly put the family through?
Which is understandable. But just because he doesn't like her doesn't mean that he can't be rational and fair.
The money needs to be protected from OP.

And do you know the children to call them spoilt?

You are setting yourself up to have your selfish DB and his spoilt DCs and the DPs ,you 'love' despite their favouritism for everyone else, dominating your future life and thoughts.

I’m not sure why DB is suddenly ‘selfish’ and his DC suddenly ‘spoilt’. This is all based on the opinion of the OP, whose judgment could quite easily be considered not particularly sound.

Being a trustee and an executor of a substantial estate is no small task. DB is taking on a whole lot of unpaid administrative work because of this.

I think it's unfair too. I think you should always split the money equally between direct children unless there is a special reason not to such as one child being severely disabled or something like that.

I see it as the brother getting 75% too. Giving money to my kids feels the same as giving it too me.

I can also see why the OP wouldn't want her brother having control over her finances.

OP, can you speak to your parents about this?

Also, are you sure your parents haven't bailed you out more than you think.

It's not unfair. It's for them to decide.

What are you basing any of this BS on
I don't have time to reread the thread but my take was that DB is rich and successful, was always the golden child, which might explain the OPs low self esteem possibly leading her to poor partner choices . The DB spends much less time on DPs than OP -often the case for male siblings. So assuming DB a is doing ok, his DCs will do fine too. So why not set up money trust for op.
But she is still obviously the problem child and can't be trusted.
Imv the op should sod them all, who wants the problem child label for life? Which it will be as long as trust is controlled by the others. She should go her own way and leave them to it.

Is he the golden child or is he just the child who lived on the straight road and didn't need to be repeatedly bailed out due to poor life choices?

Why should that side of the family lose out because they've worked hard? They're parents and grandparents love them and clearly want to give them a gift to help them in life.

If someone wants to lose a label then they need to stop acting like it.

@Alma .... what you suggest is all well and good, except she returns to the family presenting her shock debts and needs bailing out!
OP - I'm sure your DB does love you. But he may not like your behaviour. I think to be an independent person you need to hold down your job and save a bit. Have you been online and checked to see if you have a govt pension in place? (Access it with your govt gateway key). If your mental health prevents you from working full time, are you claiming ESE / PIP? I think you have to show your DB that you thinking and acting for yourself in a independent manner and taking active steps. You cannot have your cake and eat it; free reign on the families money but expecting others to bail out when things go tits up.

Maybe then you can agree some ceiling figures for one-off purchases like cars etc?

anything I leave will go to them anyway

But there is no way for them to be sure that you will leave anything. It might not feel right to you but I do think that it is fair, the money will make much difference to their lives when they are younger.

They obviously wouldn’t get a share at all

We have IP's statement that if she had children , they too would get s share but that she is not likely to have children.

There is no 'obviously' about it, it depends entirely on how the will / trust is defined, in favour of named beneficiaries or 'my children and grandchildren' st a particular date.

It can be limited to legitimate heirs, or include illegitimate heirs too, whatever is requested. These are the kinds of issues the lawyers will talk through before the trust is set up.

If the trust is set up in a will, there remains the possibility that the cost of care will significantly deplete the resources, so that the shares may not be all that after all.

was that DB is rich and successful, was always the golden child, which might explain the OPs low self esteem possibly leading her to poor partner choices
Incredible speculation and assumption here. The guy probably didn't just "get rich". He probably had his head to the grindstone early on in life while the OP had her wild child days into her 30's. Also many siblings see each other as the golden child....if not that then the grown up child still needing parents help. You can't possibly blame the OP's lack of esteem squarely at the family. They've probably had similar educational opportunities but chosen different routes and choices - some good some bad.