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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will unfair or not?

178 replies

tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 18:55

I will start by saying I have name changed as I don't want to offend members of my family
I have had 30 years of mental health problems, but am considered high functioning so am capable of making my own decisions. Problem is when I do I am repeatedly shouted down by my family and told 'don't be so stupid' (when I have an opinion which differs from theirs). As a result I am now not sure if I am being reasonable or not. Please help me see....
I was a wild child for many years and certainly the black sheep of the family. I guess teenage rebellion didn't calm down until I was in my 30's (mental health mixed in). I am for the most part stable, however have been conned by men- in 2 serious relationships I have been financially abused (low self esteem and conned by a narc. For which I am still undergoing therapy, so please be nice). I admit I have never been great with money and my parents have bailed me out before now.
My brother is a high flyer and has never stepped a foot out of line. He is their golden boy and it has been made clear they feel like that from childhood. I understand he has put up with a lot of crap caused by me over the years. I love him as my brother, but pretty sure the feeling I not mutual. He tolerates me, but would rather I wasn't around.
My parents are currently setting up a trust fund for their will. It is being set up for my brothers 2 children, my brother and I, so a 25% split each way.
Am I unreasonable to think this is unfair? I have no children so they cannot be included, but my niece and nephew get 50% of my parents inheritance. My brother would be an executor along with a lawyer, so I would have no say, and even if I did, it would be 3 votes to 1. If it came down to a request later, my brother could (and probably would) decline it. He stands to gain with effectively 75% share and a vested interest in his children first.
I know it is my parents money and they can do what they want with it, but I feel I am being seen off in this. Am I being unreasonable or just ungrateful?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 23/09/2018 19:39

Are you currently self sufficient and debt free OP?

MediocrePenguin · 23/09/2018 19:41

I think it's very fair. Perhaps they love and value their grandchildren and want to make sure they are looked after financially. You said yourself you have not been great with money so I can see why they would not want to leave a bigger chunk to you.

C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2018 19:42

I agree with hollow. But it doesn't matter as it is down to the ops parents.

LegoandiPads · 23/09/2018 19:42

I think it is a fair will.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/09/2018 19:42

(DB) also gets the say in what can and cant be spent with it, for which I feel he will decline most things I ever ask for

I've just re-read this bit ... does the "most things I ever ask for" mean he'll retain some kind of control over your 25% too?

SweetSummerchild · 23/09/2018 19:43

your brother would be a trustee for your trust and would therefore have final say on whatever withdrawals you made from the estate?

Given the information the OP has already given, this may be a very sensible move. Maybe they are worried that the OP could be conned out of the money (again).

Original poster
tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 19:43

Thank you Eddielizzard for understanding what I am trying to say.
My brother has all the cards. Until the children are of age, he rules what their share is. When they come of age and have a casting vote as to what can and cant be taken from the trust, it would out vote me 3-1 (discounting the lawyer).
Say for example, I want to buy a retirement flat in 20 years and wish to use some of the trust money for that. My niece and nephew are at university in the same city and want to buy a house for themselves. My brother as named person on trust has to decide between his children having a house or his sister.....which way do you think that would go?
I have no intention of frittering away my parents hard earned money. However as it stands I don't see I have many 'rights' in this arrangement

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 23/09/2018 19:48

But your brother can’t take money from your 25%. He might be able to say ‘Yes, I will let my child spend his 25% on that’ and ‘No, I will not let my sister spend her 25% on that’ - but he can’t say ‘My children can have my sister’s 25%’.

Strongmummy · 23/09/2018 19:48

@trying to be honest, on the basis you’ve proven yourself to be bad with money , it’s no surprise your parents have put him as trustee. In the situation you describe why would he choose between you taking money out to buy a retirement and his kids buying a flat? You’d both be taking money from your own share of the pot.

Taylor22 · 23/09/2018 19:49

This all sounds perfectly fair. They clearly love their GC and have chosen to ensure they have a sum of money to aid them in their future.

Sorry OP but between needing to be bailed out and being scammed repeatedly it does make sense that they would protect the money. Especially if your brother is sensible with money.

CherryPavlova · 23/09/2018 19:49

Personally, I think it’s incredibly distasteful and greedy to be thinking and debating your parents post-mortem finances before their death.
It’s entirely possible, even likely, that any monies will be needed by one or both for care home costs. You may yet get nothing at all.
Assumedly the surviving parent will inherit everything and can make any changes they want up to the point they die or lose capacity.

It is your parents money. It is entirely up to them how they spend it (and I really hope they do spend it all to avoid ill feelings between siblings). They can leave it all to a cat rescue centre or burn the lot if they want - and it would still be fair.

Your teenage behaviour and managed metal health issues are entirely irrelevant. They owe you not a penny.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/09/2018 19:51

It seems very unfair to me. My parents are leaving everything split equally between me and my two brothers. We all have DC but they will be in their parents wills in due course.

FanciedAChangeToday · 23/09/2018 19:51

Sorry if you have answered this already I have scanned - how old are your dbs children? Also if you DO have a child, is everyone agreed that everyone automatically gets 5% lopped off their amount - so you all get 20% to include you child?

EdisonLightBulb · 23/09/2018 19:51

I think it would have been fairer to split it 50/50 perhaps with yours held in trust if you aren't great with money so that you can access it periodically as needed. It sounds like you will need the financial help in the future and I would have done it like this but with protection to stop you being taken advantage of or mishandling it.

YANBU

Tinkobell · 23/09/2018 19:51

Rights or wrongs of the will division to one side, OP it sounds like you do have a history of pissing money away and your parents having to bail you out. That is very painful and very stressful for family and can cause them their own set of mental health issues, in old age. It sounds like by drip feeding you your portion, this minimises your ability to effectively blow your inheritance very quickly. When your parents are gone, are you expecting your bother to bail you out ...,he can't do that. He has his own kids and future to think of. You are assuming of course, that post care of your parents there will be money left. This is in my experience is silly thing to bank on in this day and age of high care costs OP. Self sufficiency is the best way.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/09/2018 19:51

I don't know any family where any money isn't left divided equally between the children. That's the norm, as far as I can see

Usually I'd completely agree, but in the circumstances OP's described it seems at least possible there's a reason for them to have decided otherwise

And I see it is a trust after all, so please ignore my question about whether DB controls the money ... he clearly does

Original poster
tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 19:53

@tinkobell, yes. I have worked hard for many years to be so.

I am now in my 40s and it is unlikely I will have children. Please take this as I will have no children who will inherit from my parents!

At this point I would also like to note that I have asked for something to be in writing/my brother to help me in the future to make sure I am not conned out of money. I have it written and agreed I will leave anything to my niece and nephew. It is not going anywhere else. I am not crazy enough to spend everything and leave the rest to the 1 legged caterpillar society. I will be leaving anything to the children involved here. I do feel I need some protection against men using me as I have been shown to be vulnerable, but that just gives my brother even more power over the remining 25%!

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 23/09/2018 19:54

the grandchildren would benefit from both my brother and I. As I dont have (and am not likely to have) children, anything I leave will go to them anyway

I don’t know how old your parents are or what kind of health they’re in. Let’s say they live another ten years. You could be married by then or in a long-term relationship. Even if you did still plan to leave your inheritance to your niece and nephew, if you died suddenly, a marriage would have invalidated any will you made to that effect. There’s no guarantee of you leaving your share to your niece and nephew - that argument doesn’t mean anything.

Also, and I know this won’t be nice to hear, you’ve been conned financially before. Your parents may be concerned the same could happen again.

Taylor22 · 23/09/2018 19:56

How much are we actually talking here?

Ballpark it.

Because you can not use yours or your brothers share against the kids. There is a lifetime between you getting and them inheriting your money. Between bills and care fees and funerals they may never see a penny. So of course your parents would want to ensure they guarantee them some money that's just for them.

Thymeout · 23/09/2018 19:56

This isn't that unusual. My aunt, no partner or children, divided her estate into three. A third to me, a third to my brother and a third to my dcs and any dcs my brother might have at the time of her death, to be divided equally between them. As it turned out, he was still childless when she died, so my 3 each inherited a third of a third.

She had a relationship with all 5 of us and wanted her great-niece and great-nephews to benefit directly from her death, without having to wait until I died. As pp says, there's always a risk that I might have to spend all my money on care and might not be able to pass on my inheritance to my dcs.

The trustee thing is different. Are you sure that you and your brother won't inherit the money immediately? It could be only the grandchildren who have to wait till they are a certain age or at the discretion of the trustees.

SweetSummerchild · 23/09/2018 19:58

I do feel I need some protection against men using me as I have been shown to be vulnerable

This is exactly what your parents are doing by making your brother a trustee. He cannot, however, give your 25% to someone else.

Your issue is the fact that the trust is not being split 50-50. I can understand your frustration, but it is what it is. It is their money. Your brother is not getting 75%.

bimbobaggins · 23/09/2018 19:58

I think the distribution of the funds seems fair and I can understand why your parents have done it ,however I wouldn’t be happy with my brother being in charge of my portion of the inheritance. Is he the sole trustee?

Dollymixture22 · 23/09/2018 19:59

I can see where you are coming from. It is more usual for the parents to split the estate between their children, perhaps with a small bequest to the grandchildren. Your brothers family unit get much more than your family unit.

But your parents don’t view it that way - they want to treat the four of you equally. And as others have said it’s their money. At least they have told you know and haven’t left it as a nasty shock.

I think you need to feel what you need to feel about this, scream into your pillow if that helps. Then accept it and move on. You have been through enough, don’t let this fester.

Original poster
tryingtostickupforme · 23/09/2018 20:01

can I also point out for what it I worth, that I speak to my parents every day. My brother calls once a week if they are lucky. He ha children and a high flying career and when it comes to the point my parents need help in their old age, I have already aid I will move in with them and provide the care. My brother will pop in and out and deal with finances I am sure, but when it comes to the personal side, that has already been agreed. I in NO WAY expect payment for this, and will do it willingly for love of my parents......it is not all about money to me and there are other things to take into consideration with this. I do more than my fair share now, I have just not been blessed enough to provide them with grandchildren

OP posts:
ferrier · 23/09/2018 20:03

I think you need to request that the trustee(s) for your part of the estate are not your brother or his children. Because as it stands they do have the ability to stop you spending it so that it all eventually passes to the children.