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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to explain myself by a child!

239 replies

DucksOnThePond · 23/09/2018 18:15

So in a pool earlier. There are always publicly accessible floats and noodles but never toys. DC playing with a toy. It has been borrowed from another friend at the pool but is certainly not for public use. Suddenly find nyself being told - by a 5/6 year old boy in armbands! - that said DC is unkind for immediately not handing over this toy and that it was outrageous I wasn’t forcing it. Unwilling to engage I said very little and moved on. 5 mins later at a different area of the pool a follow up of ‘excuse me, DC should hand it over. Did you bring it from home’. A third time and my response was that as an adult I was not explaining myself to a rude child.

Since when did kids not only feel comfortable enough challenging a stranger but actually harassing them?! No sign of a parent at all.

OP posts:
Cattus · 24/09/2018 08:24

Their mum or dad

ResistanceIsNecessary · 24/09/2018 08:24

YANBU.

However this is MN, where one half of the conversation will be reasonable - even those who disagree with you.

The other half will be full of virtue-signalling batshittery. I remember a thread where a poster was being harassed by a parent connected to her DH's hobby, which involved kids activities. She turned up on the OP's doorstep one evening, demanding to know where the DH was as she needed information about arrangements etc. OP was condemned by a contingent of doormats for not inviting a complete stranger in to her home and counselling her with a meal and a cup of tea. And told that she was unkind and unhelpful for being concerned about her own safety and that of her young children. Bonkers.

User079641 · 24/09/2018 08:32

I think I’d have asked them to show me where there mum or dad were and then had a word with them about his behaviour

WTF?! I’d want to have a word with the parents about how incredibly dangerous it is for a small child to be unsupervised in a pool.

This thread is crazy.

NutElla5x · 24/09/2018 08:37

I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell the child the toy belonged to a friend, and was not for sharing.I'd be more concerned about the poor kid not getting the attention he should be getting at a pool rather than getting annoyed at his audacity to question you.Yes some kids are annoying but jeez he was only little.You sound rather rude yourself and more immature than the 5 year old op.And did he really use the words 'immediately' and 'outrageous' or are we embellishing a little here?

LyndorCake · 24/09/2018 08:49

Sort of hilarious though. Or baffling is probably a better word.

From children should be deferring to adults, why should an adult explain something to a child, to calling children names and on and on it goes. We get it. Half of you seem to hate children. Should be seen and not heard.

This child asked to play with a frickin' toy. All you had to say was "sorry love, this is ours from home".

But yes OP, just keep backpedaling.

Blondebakingmumma · 24/09/2018 08:50

Kids learn by asking questions. I really doubt he was being entitled or malicious

Bornlazy · 24/09/2018 09:00

I don’t understand this thread the OP posted this at 18:24

I said it wasn’t for sharing, and that my DC was still playing with it.

Why are people saying “you should just have told him it wasn’t for sharing” when that is exactly what the OP has already said?

Vinylsamso · 24/09/2018 09:03

I don’t have a child that would have persued the issue but he would have asked can I have a go next if he thought it was a pool toy.
I think the poster is so typical of people these days. There’s so many mean, rude people around who think everyone else is entitled. There’s this modern day thing that people seem to think your being a strong woman to dismiss some of the most basic human instincts of kindness and communication.
See it on here all the time. “Why should I have to play with someone else’s child” - some poor kid dared to look at a woman in Costa.
“Why should I have to throw my kind neighbours ball back” even though it’s only once every 2 months.
How dare a man smile at me, look at me, fancy me, what a sexist pig 😂
It’s relentless and you see it so much here on MN. To me THIS is entitled behaviour. Too special to be kind or put yourself out. Too important or too cool to smile at people.
A few years ago this behaviour was something to be ashamed of. Now we’ve reached a point where people come to places like this to be congratulated for their ways.
A load of other misery’s get together and literally celebrate the nastiness. So odd.
I can handle adults like this, they’ve always been a thing but since I had a child in crushes me. My dream is to have a really friendly funny kid that’s confident but kind. Tell me how the fuck I stand a chance when if I take him out the house he’s meeting women like swimming pool lady. Depressing. Sort yourselves out. You’re not cool your miserable. The belief that having fleeting interaction with others is work is ridiculous. It takes a village to raise a child. That means YOU! Every person that passes them and talks to them shows them how the World works.

StrangeLookingParasite · 24/09/2018 09:16

^^ Well, that escalated quickly.

NutElla5x · 24/09/2018 09:29

I don’t understand this thread the OP posted this at 18:24

I said it wasn’t for sharing, and that my DC was still playing with it.

Why are people saying “you should just have told him it wasn’t for sharing” when that is exactly what the OP has already said?

She didn't say that in her opening post.In that she said she basically ignored the child,which is the version I tend to believe,otherwise I doubt he would have been so persistent.

QuizzlyBear · 24/09/2018 09:34

"It's a toy brought from home, not one for everybody to use, sorry". There. Job done. Drama over... 🤔

Witchofwisteria · 24/09/2018 09:41

Why couldn't you of just explained it was yours from home. Would of taken 1 minute and he probably would of swam away.

Bornlazy · 24/09/2018 09:41

Nutella she said in her opening post that she said very little and moved on. In her second post she clarified what the very little she said was.

LyndorCake · 24/09/2018 09:43

Yeah, after having been told what an appropriate response would have been. She backtracked

NutElla5x · 24/09/2018 09:47

Nutella she said in her opening post that she said very little and moved on. In her second post she clarified what the very little she said was

Yes she changed her story after several people had asked why she couldn't have just answered the kid.Funny that Hmm

hiddeneverything · 24/09/2018 09:49

OP I'd have done the same as you. I can't stand pushy children.

Bornlazy · 24/09/2018 09:51

She never said that she didn’t answer him just that she said very little...

Original poster
DucksOnThePond · 24/09/2018 10:06

The reason I didn’t say in the initial post thatI had told him it was from home was because it wasn’t the entire truth and I expected the ‘You told a white lie to a child to get yourself out of a situation which is actually entirely inappropriate but never the mind about that - what about his feelings and the fact that he isn’t getting what he want’ brigade.

Regarding the point about how I would feel if my child was spoken to like that I would tell my child to leave it and that would be it. In fact I have already said that the child I was dealing with was already hogging some of the stuff that was for public consumption including something my child likes. I might add that this has happened previously with other kids and my child has always been told to wait until whatever it is has been left alone. I have even gone as far as saying that I had to let something go if he wasn’t playing with it as I wasn’t hold onto it when another child might want it so a decision had to be made.

So I put my question again - when do all these little tykes turn into cheeky fuckers?

OP posts:
UnderHerEye · 24/09/2018 10:11

So I put my question again - when do all these little tykes turn into cheeky fuckers?

Are you asking when do rude children turn into rude adults?

You tell us OP

TwoOddSocks · 24/09/2018 10:17

I just really don't see how this is a big deal. The child is 5 he doesn't understand social etiquette yet - kids that age can still be very black and white. If he's been taught to share he probably thinks that your DS wasn't sharing and feels it's a great injustice. Either explain it belongs to a friend and must be returned to friend or to simplify it say this is my toy from home.

Original poster
DucksOnThePond · 24/09/2018 10:18

The point is, I thought leaving out exactly what I said would draw out whether or not I need to explain myself to a kid ie: would the debate descend into what exactly was said, did I explain it right, did I give him enough time blah blah or would the principle be that actually no: it is entirely inappropriate for a child to pester and harass a stranger in the pool.

Well it seems like there is a swathe if people who believe the first. Well your children will never know boundaries unless you teach them and then when they turn into adults that believes the world should just hand itself to them on a plate you will be wondering where it all went wrong.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 24/09/2018 10:20

To be fair the parents should have been around to intervene, not to mention supervise him in a swimming pool but the situation could have been handled a bit better.

Haffiana · 24/09/2018 10:26

I think you should have got really offended at the 5 year old, OP. And sulked a bit and not answered him as well.

Yes, that would show him how to behave.

JynxaSmoochum · 24/09/2018 10:27

She also said "unwilling to engage" in the opening post.

5 year olds can be quite blunt and black and white about rules. They can have quite extensive vocabularies but not so aware of the nuances of subtle differences in meaning and tone. A straight forward explanation of why the toy isn't available for sharing should be enough to satisfy most 5 year olds and they deserve the same amount of respect as any other human and will learn from that. Being awkward with them will teach them awkwardness. Parents and nursery/ school will teach children a lot of social skills, but cannot teach everything and children learn extra skills by interracting in the community with unknown people.

Supervision of a 5 year old in a pool does not automatically mean helicoptering right by their side. They may have had lessons for some time and be able to swim (either in a basic function way or with proper strokes) and confident in a variety of skills such as swimming under water. In a family pool they are usually comfortably within their depth. In lessons, there may be one person in the water for 10 children. Just because a parent isn't directly next to them it doesn't mean they are lacking in appropriate supervision and what is appropriate will vary on the pool and the child's abilities.

I quickly learned to mark our surname on pool toys as my DCs had a habit of dropping them and others finding them and assuming that they belong to the pool. Before now I've scoured the children's pool for ages trying to find them and they've turned up in the main pool when I've gone in for a final length. Several times I've had to ask nicely for our toys back as they belong to us and not the pool. Most people of any age respond well to a polite and straightforward explanation.

Spiderdemon · 24/09/2018 10:40

I get your point OP - but the problem with not explaining exactly what you said, is that we can't tell if he was pestering you after you'd made yourself clear (YANBU); or if you weren't clear and his 5-year-old understanding of the world made him return several times to get clarity. (YABU).

There isn't a 'principle' at stake - 5 year olds shouldn't pester and harrass adults,but only because nobody should pester and harrass anyone.

if you are trying to draw out whether we think there's something particularly egregious about him being 5 and going on at you, because he was 5 and you're an adult... then YABU. It's no worse/better for a 5 year old to pester than it is for anyone else.

However you quoted him as asking 'did you bring it from home?' on the 3rd interruption, so I'm afraid I don't believe that you made yourself clear the first time. So YABU.