Asked to explain myself by a child!

[DucksOnThePond]

So in a pool earlier. There are always publicly accessible floats and noodles but never toys. DC playing with a toy. It has been borrowed from another friend at the pool but is certainly not for public use. Suddenly find nyself being told - by a 5/6 year old boy in armbands! - that said DC is unkind for immediately not handing over this toy and that it was outrageous I wasn’t forcing it. Unwilling to engage I said very little and moved on. 5 mins later at a different area of the pool a follow up of ‘excuse me, DC should hand it over. Did you bring it from home’. A third time and my response was that as an adult I was not explaining myself to a rude child.

Since when did kids not only feel comfortable enough challenging a stranger but actually harassing them?! No sign of a parent at all.

He probably saw the other child playing with it before you got it and assumed it was a pool toy.

Instead of saying 'it isn't a pool toy' you should have established clearly that the toy belonged to X child who had let you borrow it, and if you really wanted to be clear about that you could have told him to go and find X child to ask them for a turn.

You could also have told him to get lost and stop bothering you.

YWBU to have not explained clearly the first time. If you had, he would not have come back twice more and you would have saved yourself frustration.

Children of that age, however good their vocabulary, aren't very attuned to nuance - they mostly see things in black and white. So a clear "Sorry, this isn't a pool toy, it's from home and it's not for sharing" would have dealt with it straight out. It's not "explaining yourself to a child", it's answering the query and it's really quite impolite to not do it satisfactorily the first time around, however old he is.

Children do not deserve less respect, just because they are children. They don't deserve more either, but you don't get to just dismiss them because they are children.

@bobstersmum

“I put my dd on one of those round net swings at the park one day she was 16 months old, we had waited our turn. She had been on it about 1 min and two little girls age about 5 came and stood right at the side, then one piped up, can she hurry up, we are waiting! I said she has just got on but you can have a turn in a moment. Then the other one said well usually the little ones go on the other swings! I said well this little one is on this swing so you'll have to wait your turn. The cheeky little madam tutted”

She was right though. Because you’re one of those entitled parents who puts toddlers on age-inappropriate equipment and the kids who should be able to use it independently are forced to watch you coo and swing your baby on equipment meant for older children.

The OP didn't ignore him, she explained and then moved but the child didn't leave it. That's when she ignored him! And quite rightly, why should she have to continually explain herself to a child who was only being persistent because he didn't like the first response he got?

So many people on here who are raising entitled children, so many of you don't seem to understand that questioning someone over something they have just isn't ok. Just because someone has something you don't have doesn't mean they have to be questioned about it. What happened to just leaving other people alone? If the toy was a pool toy what would half the posters on here have said should happen next? The OP hand it over because it belongs to the pool?

If that was my child I'd have noticed if he was following someone else around and I would have intervened, it's not ok for children to pester others because they have something they want and asking is very rude! But lots of mumsnetters on here are saying he was in the right, so I see the next generation of CF are on their way.

I think if you'd said you brought it from home instead of it not being a pool toy he would have left you alone. He's 5. 5 year olds can be annoying. I think it is possible to be firm and kind.

@itwaseverthus Neither do I. But I'm also smart enough to realise that me not wanting to engage in violence won't stop an unstable stranger from attacking me. So I don't 'fight back' against random 5 year olds behaving in an annoying but harmless manner.

‘excuse me, DC should hand it over. Did you bring it from home’. A third time and my response was that as an adult I was not explaining myself to a rude child.

Having read it again, YWBVVVU.

The kid had a glimmer of the situation and instead of being clear and helping him wrap his head all the way around it, you took umbrage in very silly fashion.

Nothing wrong with telling a pesky child where to get off. Sounds like he wasn’t used to hearing the word “no”.

She was right though. Because you’re one of those entitled parents who puts toddlers on age-inappropriate equipment and the kids who should be able to use it independently are forced to watch you coo and swing your baby on equipment meant for older children.

A parent not taking a telling off from a random five year old is not being bloody entitled. And a sixteen month old on a swing net being played with by its parent isn't age inappropriate - presumably the sixteen month old was enjoying it or the poster wouldn't have had her on it. We don't let five year olds assess the age appropriateness of anything, for good reason, much less should we be teaching them that it's okay to make that assessment and then be cheeky to an adult about it.

I still can't believe that so many people are more bothered about manners than a .random give year old apparently alone in a pool. Maybe he was and maybe he wasn't, but given that children aren't always properly supervised and DO drown, it's a bit pity this wasn't more on the OP's radar.

OP - this is what I did, aren’t I totes hilarious
Everyone - not really, you should have said X
OP - oh I did I did,

Some adults don't know the lay of the land when it comes to playgrounds though. Many have well established conventions and unwritten rules, and it is not for an adult newcomer to allow their child to do their own thing with the equipment, and stand on your rights when challenged.

I know someone who used to take her DD to play in a busy city park frequented by kids form the local flats as well as kids accompanied by dads doing Saturday duty while their OHs shopped. The blow-in dads and children often had to be reminded of the most basic of rules, by the urchins form the flats - no, your child can't climb up the slide while a line of kids waits for their turn to climb the ladder and slide down even if this is a lot of fun for your child; no, your child can't hog the swing for more than five minutes because everyone is waiting for their turn. The rules were known to most of the regulars and newcomers soon got the hang of it if they were regulars. A Russian and Polish community learned the ropes when they started arriving in sizeable numbers.

There was a lot of offence taken by many of the suburban parents on Saturday afernoons, but being an adult does not entitle you to disrupt the flow of any given playground.

The blow-in dads and children often had to be reminded of the most basic of rules, by the urchins form the flats - no, your child can't climb up the slide while a line of kids waits for their turn to climb the ladder and slide down even if this is a lot of fun for your child; no, your child can't hog the swing for more than five minutes because everyone is waiting for their turn.

I'm not sure about the whole 'newcomer/blow in dads and children/suburban parents thing', a park's for everyone equally and it seems far more of an entitled attitude to pretend it isn't by the regular parkgoers. But in any event both of your examples are accepted in every park, and completely different to a child using a swing for less than a minute and their parent being told they should get off it by a five year old who doesn't want to wait for their turn.

Some children have been raised to think they deserve what they like when they like and to continue pushing and arguing til they get it (often under the guise of faux naive 'we just teach them to question adults/people in authority/rules they don't like... If adults can't handle that and don't want to explain then that's their problem').

OP you could have been clearer and more direct (e.g. This is our toy from home and it's not for sharing) but equally I do think the persistent nature of a child going up to people they don't know to keep pushinv their demand is the sign of a child who isn't used to the word no.

You were being unreasonable because it sounds like the kid didn’t have a solid grasp of the situation and instead of explaining appropriate you left him confused then were rude and ignored him when he came to you for clarity

Pidgeon, a child pointing out that a toddler who can’t use a swing independently isn’t a telling off. It’s pointing out a fact. Just like older kids shouldn’t be standing and swinging on toddler swings - you know the kind designed to be safe for small children so older children can’t physically squeeze themselves into it? Or you’re going to tell me that adults should queue with little ones and say nothing too?

As for your comment that five year olds can’t assess anything, I’m not sure what point you’re making. Five year olds usually know the equipment because their parents have been telling them which equipment is age approapriate.

The thing to consider is how would you feel if someone spoke to your son like that? A toy in a public place is obviously going to draw some attention and people assuming it’s one of the pool toys; you could have just said politely the first time that it wasn’t a pool toy rather than be so rude and wonder why he kept asking.

Totally on your side OP. 100%.

I know a child like this, has never learnt when to just shut up (to be blunt). Can’t stand kids who aren’t taught this very basic lesson. Christ knows what they must be like in a classroom with 29 other kids. In my case I know the mum and she absolutely is the kind of person who thinks everything should be discussed and debated in detail and her son should never simply to be told to do/not do something. It’s created a deeply tiresome child.

Well there’s this little thing called sharing... wouldn’t trouble you too much then you take joy in lending or sharing your things with other people... if someone I knew, that was old enough and responsible needed to borrow my car I’d let them!?

So you wouldn’t let a complete stranger just help themselves to your car and sit there in silence until they were finished? Because you said Let it go for a second and it’s someone else’s to play with the whole time we there while my child winges So basically someone else just picks up your property and uses it without permission even though you want to use it yourself, and you just let them. And you darent ask for it back even though your child is whinging and clearly wants to use his property.

I have no problem with sharing my property with friends or family who have asked to borrow it. But I find it very odd to just let a complete stranger seize your property without asking and use it as long as they want, thus preventing you using it yourself.

But there's nothing that says they should use it independently. The poster was presumably pushing her child on the swing and the child was enjoying it. Therefore it was age appropriate with support from a supervising adult. And yes, I absolutely think parents with little kids that want to use the baby swings should wait their turn regardless of who's using them - although it's not actually a direct comparison because older kids standing up on baby swings unsupervised sounds like a recipe for a cracked skull or broken ankle, unlike a sixteen month old being played with by an adult on a large net swing.

And saying 'hurry up', disputing the adult's decision and then tutting very much is a telling off.

Five year olds usually know the equipment because their parents have been telling them which equipment is age approapriate.

Yeah, presumably so that they know what they can use safely, not so that they can go about telling adults to move their child out the way because they don't want to wait their turn. I sincerely hope no-one's actively teaching their child to do that.

When will people come to terms with the fact children's emotional intelligence is at an extremely immature stage of development, most of the years they are children. It doesn't matter how much you 'engage' with them, if they have labelled it an injustice, that's how it will stay. Explaining, makes little if any difference.

As for the harassment, it's unacceptable. Just because a child doesn't accept a situation, doesn't give them the right to harass someone. Also, if you don't want to 'engage' with the harasser, you are quite within your rights not too.

Children are our future, so them, getting a grip on themselves, and on reality, as early as possible, is better than fostering a deluded idea of entitlement.

Who cares if the kid was obnoxious/inappropriate/rude/ whatever?

Why was a 5 year old unsupervised in a swimming pool????? Kids that young have to have an adult in the pool with them at all times.

If this really happened OP was vvvv unreasonably not to inform a lifeguard.

He was a child. One who asked to play with a toy. I'd have said it' s ds's own toy but shall we see if he'll havs a game with you with it? Would you like that?

You were unkind and lost z opportunity to teach your child abouf sharing.

Why on earth wouldn't you offer another human being an explanation for a decision?

I think I’d have asked them to show me where there mum or dad were and then had a word with them about his behaviour.

I do know one child who might have done this when she was younger. She has ASD and is extremely extroverted. She would have done this because she doesn’t always see adult /child boundaries and would have thought that she was simply stating fact or making a necessary request.