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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable saying I won’t go to my sons christening?

148 replies

Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 08:21

Hi I’m new but need advice, my partner and I have a 5week old boy and his dad wants him christened asap even if that means my 11yr old son (from previous relationship) can’t be there. He wants Oct the day after I take my son to London to his dads knowing how much my moods are low wen I get bk and won’t be in the right frame of mind to enjoy my sons christening, I have tried to comprise and asked for us to stick to our original date in dec when all my youngest family can be there not just his when I explained how important it was for me to have everyone there he didn’t care, his mum said he has a say so he took that as his way and I just have to deal with it, the thing is I’ve not had a say in ANYTHING his name and spelling of it, the religion, even talked as far as schools and I don’t have a say there either now I don’t get to choose christening date or who gets to be there ... am I being unreasonable saying if everyone can’t be there for my sons day I won’t be, even went on to say his whole family will be there just not ur son which is not my problem.... please help

OP posts:
TravellingFleet · 22/09/2018 08:24

I don’t quite see how the service would work if the child’s mum isn’t there. Talk to the vicar and say you want to delay it.

Jessbow · 22/09/2018 08:24

You have a far bigger problem than a christening

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/09/2018 08:25

He sounds massively controlling. Was he like this pre-pregnancy?

What happens if you phone the church and say you don’t agree to the christening? Would they do it if a parent is opposed to it? I’d ring up and cancel. Rebook for December.

funnylittlefloozie · 22/09/2018 08:25

Why have you not had a say in anything? This is a much bigger problem than just a baby's christening. If you refuse to go on the date your "partner" has chosen (and you should refuse - hes a shitty bully), the vicar may well refuse to do the christening.

mummmy2017 · 22/09/2018 08:26

Can you not ever compromise?
Tell him that you won't be bullied like this, that this is a relationship, you are a couple...

Strongmummy · 22/09/2018 08:26

The christening is a symptom of a far far bigger problem. Your husband has no respect for you.

Allthatglittersisgold · 22/09/2018 08:28

This doesn't sound like a good relationship? You should both be able to discuss and negotiate important details such as religion, names, schools etc. Of course you don't want to miss your sons christening but you absolutely do need to make a stand.

Bananamanfan · 22/09/2018 08:29

Have you registered the baby yet? If not, give him your last name.

AdoreTheBeach · 22/09/2018 08:29

I think the issues go far beyond the date f the christening. However, for this particular matter, if you both had agreed a date in December, go and confirm it with the church directly, advise everyone that’s the date. Might be worth having a chat with the priest as this is only symptomatic of larger issues in your relationship. They might be able to help counsel you further on the issues. Hopefully involving your partner too.

Alpacanorange · 22/09/2018 08:30

The christening is the least of your problems. Leave now, it sounds like your dh/p and his mum will be making all the vip decisions regarding your son. Either make a stand NOW, no the christening is not happening without you, re arrange I reconsider my future with you.

SpiritedLondon · 22/09/2018 08:31

Errrr no way. What’s the rush? You say that if it’s not a date that’s mutually convenient for both sides then it’s not happening. My DH would not try to pull any of that crap but if he did I would be Over. My. Dead. Body and mean it. There’s something extremely wrong in your relationship and it seems to be more serious than when you christen your child.

TittyGolightly · 22/09/2018 08:32

his mum said he has a say so he took that as his way and I just have to deal with it, the thing is I’ve not had a say in ANYTHING his name and spelling of it, the religion, even talked as far as schools and I don’t have a say there either now I don’t get to choose christening date or who gets to be there

Get out, get out, get out.

Needahairbrush · 22/09/2018 08:33

Just No!! You should have a 50% say in all of thus. Make it clear this christening is not happening. I also think you need to leave him if he’s this controlling.

AssignedNorthernAtBirth · 22/09/2018 08:33

The cleric isn't going to be willing to do it if you tell them you don't want it yet.

Potplant2 · 22/09/2018 08:34

Agree it sounds like you have bigger problems than a christening. I hope you get them sorted.

Priests in the CofE (can’t speak for other churches) are supposed by law to get the permission of everyone who has parental responsibility for a child before they christen it. I don’t know any priest who wouldn’t ask some awkward questions of the child’s mother wasn’t present. And iyou tell them you don’t want it done then the service can’t go ahead.

funnylittlefloozie · 22/09/2018 08:35

Also, why does your "partner" want the baby christened as soon as possible? Does the little one have some sort of life-limiting condition?

Also, if this isn't your religion, how can you stand up in church and promise to bring your son up in that religion? You mentioned discussing schools already (for a 5-week old??!), is this about getting him into a faith school?

iamawoman · 22/09/2018 08:36

How can you not have a say in any of the things you have listed? The baby was in your body for my months and now your partner has taken ownership? You need to seek help / advice from women's aid as this is not normal behaviour, it sounds very controlling and abusive.

Sassielassie · 22/09/2018 08:39

Oh dear. I feel so sorry for you. He sounds awful. Surely if u are living together as a family unit it should be made clear that your oldest child is now not just your family but also his family and should be included in all family events. The comment he made regarding your child not being there not being his problem is both insulting and hurtful. The fact that he has not ALLOWED you to make any decisions regarding your new child is not only unreasonable but actually sounds quite abusive. I would not only be reconsidering about turning up to the christening, i would be considering getting out of this abusive relationship for your sake and the sake of both your children. This man has no consideration for your feelings or what you want or any feelings towards your eldest child by the sound of it. Try and reach out to your family and friends and tell them whats happening and ask for help.

Returnofthesmileybar · 22/09/2018 08:43

Run like the wind!!

AnoukSpirit · 22/09/2018 08:44

Being controlled like this - having no say in absolutely anything at all - is not normal, it's not healthy, and it's not how everybody else is living. This is not what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. And that's his fault, not yours.

What was your ex like?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Gazelda · 22/09/2018 08:44

I agree with others. Speak with the vicar/priest and tell them you want the child to have his whole family around him when christened and you therefore cannot do the October date. If you feel up to it, tell him/her how you are being bullied by your baby's father and his family.

Juells · 22/09/2018 08:47

I agree with pp that you should phone the church and tell them you don't agree with the date and want it delayed. If they try to talk you round (which they just might!) don't let them bully you either. Say you'll withdraw your permission if the date isn't changed. Don't let them all treat you as if you have no rights 😡

TBH I think you should be looking at the situation and thinking about the future, what it's going to be like. Your other child is being excluded, and it seems a bit deliberate.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 22/09/2018 08:49

You know when you take your son to London? Don't come back. Listen to everyone, more red flags than Mayday in Moscow.

Original poster
Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 08:50

Normally our relationship is good in the day to day, he just seems to always want his way on the more important things... and he wants it sooner because his mum said I can’t make my little 1 wait that long to get christened and how I have to think of him, that I have 2 children now, thing his her daughter didn’t get her child christened until she was 4 months, to be honest I thinks he’s gonna pack his bags and leave again

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 22/09/2018 08:50

Nope, he can want it all he likes but if that date is not convenient then that’s that. Christenings do require preparation. Just don’t turn up and contact the church in advance to tell them if they have it booked on you can’t do that day so they may wish to reschedule.