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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable saying I won’t go to my sons christening?

148 replies

Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 08:21

Hi I’m new but need advice, my partner and I have a 5week old boy and his dad wants him christened asap even if that means my 11yr old son (from previous relationship) can’t be there. He wants Oct the day after I take my son to London to his dads knowing how much my moods are low wen I get bk and won’t be in the right frame of mind to enjoy my sons christening, I have tried to comprise and asked for us to stick to our original date in dec when all my youngest family can be there not just his when I explained how important it was for me to have everyone there he didn’t care, his mum said he has a say so he took that as his way and I just have to deal with it, the thing is I’ve not had a say in ANYTHING his name and spelling of it, the religion, even talked as far as schools and I don’t have a say there either now I don’t get to choose christening date or who gets to be there ... am I being unreasonable saying if everyone can’t be there for my sons day I won’t be, even went on to say his whole family will be there just not ur son which is not my problem.... please help

OP posts:
QueenEnid · 22/09/2018 20:36

Wow op. So sorry for everything you're going through. That can't be easy at anytime but especially not when you have a young baby.
I hope you stay strong enough to realise that you are much better off without him in your life and that him leaving has done you a favour x

pointythings · 22/09/2018 20:38

OP, he has done you a massive, massive favour. Now don't take him back. Live your life as a single mum with your little family and move forward.

Janus · 22/09/2018 20:40

Oh wow, what a horrible father and partner. Are you able to pay the rent? If so, I’d not be in contact and let him stew and just enjoy being with your baby.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 22/09/2018 20:41

Well done OP just found this thread. Just want to say please ring tomorrow or go to church in person and speak to priest and discuss the situation. Be brave for your DS now and don't be bullied into any more access than is appropriate for a small baby at this time. With any luck he will disappear completely.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 22/09/2018 20:47

So sorry, OP.
You say you have been here before - you can probably see the pattern as well as I can. You are getting along great while you are doing what he wants, and when you don't, you are the controlling bully. (I've been the controlling bully too, right up to the point that I had to pack a car and flee).

Don't let his leaving be a way for him to force his will. I assume he has a key? Change the locks, so he can't just walk back in tomorrow, blame you for creating problems between you and pushing for the christening on his terms.

I would speak to the priest/minister and let them know that the christening won't be going ahead on the date specified. I wouldn't rush into a new date until you are able to deal with the bigger issue. Don't be rushed by whatever superstition is driving his DM to need to do it asap. (I say that as a committed Christian - there really is no rush).

You have a lot to decide and a lot to consider. You clearly understand coercive control, and hopefully know local resources to support you.

So sorry that you are going through a situation of abuse again. But you already know that you are strong enough to get through. Hope for the very best for you.

Justanothernameonthepage · 22/09/2018 20:54

Just to say, him leaving like that could be a tactic. Designed.to punish you for daring to question/argue and make you grateful for when he deigns to offer to return. If you rent, ask that landlord if you can change the locks and put up a chain ASAP.
If possible, plan to visit family etc. Even if you've registered, ask about the possibility of changing the birth certificate name (I think they allow it in the first year).

NTitled · 22/09/2018 20:59

OP, he has done you a massive favour by leaving. Please, please don't let him back.

looondonn · 22/09/2018 21:02

Get out quick

This sent shivers up my spine
Just like my bstard ex

someonekillbabyshark · 22/09/2018 21:04

Well we are all here if you need a chat! Here's to a healthy control free future Wine

AHoleInTheWorld · 22/09/2018 21:08

Ugh another controlling useless manchild. He sounds ridiculous and bordering on abusive. Probably expects you to beg him to come back.

He threw your relationship away on a christening date when he's not even religious ffs.

twattymctwatterson · 22/09/2018 21:15

This is a tactic. It's part of his pattern of abuse. He thinks this will put you back in your box. Don't accept him back because it'll only happen again and again and escalate when you try to assert yourself

Troels · 22/09/2018 21:27

Call your landlord tell him you are changing the locks so your twaty new Ex can't walk back in. Let the landlord have a new key too.
You are better off on your own love.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 22/09/2018 21:32

As sad as this situation is this is probably the best outcome for you. Let’s hope he stays away and if he does come back it is with a grovelling apology about what a selfish ass he has been. Enjoy your baby, reassert yourself and make sure you change the christening. Watch out when he starts messaging you or godforbid his mother. Do you have family that can support you?

Original poster
Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 22:59

His dad said he’ll get the keys back for me, so I’ll give him a day or two as for my child’s dad he won’t get in touch it’s normally 3-6 days b4 he contacts could be different with child involved, I’m gonna make an appointment with my solicitor and see about getting a residency order so he can’t just take child and not hand him bk etc for now it will be in the house while I seek legal advice about appropriate contacts, I have no issue him being in the child’s life but I need to stand my ground and get something in writing to protect both of us

OP posts:
bangourvillagebesttimeever · 22/09/2018 23:09

How was his dad?

ExFury · 22/09/2018 23:18

Please get new locks. It’s increfibky easy to get keys cut so even if his dad gets his key back you don’t know that he’ll not have another one.

Most lock barrels are very easy to change - YouTube is your friend on that one.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 22/09/2018 23:42

Why does your partner want to have the christening as soon as possible? I'm assuming he is not very religious or traditional, otherwise he would presumably have married you before having a baby. He also doesn't sound particularly kind or loving.

Confused
EthelThePiratesDaughter · 22/09/2018 23:42

Oh I see the thread has moved on...

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 22/09/2018 23:48

OP is he named on the birth certificate?

Purpleartichoke · 22/09/2018 23:50

Yes, change the locks. I thought I could skip it on my rental when my ex moved out. He was a seemingly reasonable guy. What could be the problem? That was a very bad idea, very bad. I ended up paying for an emergency evening locksmith visit because once I realized they needed to be changed, it could not be delayed.

FishesThatFly · 23/09/2018 06:51

Sort out your benefits too as they take awhile to kick in i.e council tax reduction etc

carmelsundae · 23/09/2018 07:23

We're you the poster that was posting last week that he'd taken the baby to his families for hours, and you were BF? If so, he has continued to show his true self and done you a massive favour in moving out.
If not.... sorry Blush

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 23/09/2018 07:33

Wow OP I’m very sorry your in this situation I hope you’re ok.
It sounds like he has done youba favour leaving, it does not sound like he respects or values you and your feelings at all. It sounds like you’re making good decisions now to do what’s best for your babies. Good for you Flowers

Blondebakingmumma · 23/09/2018 07:37

I’d be helping him pack
Bye bye 👋

Blondebakingmumma · 23/09/2018 07:38

So not let him take your child as he may not give him back