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Original poster

am I being unreasonable saying I won’t go to my sons christening?

148 replies

Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 08:21

Hi I’m new but need advice, my partner and I have a 5week old boy and his dad wants him christened asap even if that means my 11yr old son (from previous relationship) can’t be there. He wants Oct the day after I take my son to London to his dads knowing how much my moods are low wen I get bk and won’t be in the right frame of mind to enjoy my sons christening, I have tried to comprise and asked for us to stick to our original date in dec when all my youngest family can be there not just his when I explained how important it was for me to have everyone there he didn’t care, his mum said he has a say so he took that as his way and I just have to deal with it, the thing is I’ve not had a say in ANYTHING his name and spelling of it, the religion, even talked as far as schools and I don’t have a say there either now I don’t get to choose christening date or who gets to be there ... am I being unreasonable saying if everyone can’t be there for my sons day I won’t be, even went on to say his whole family will be there just not ur son which is not my problem.... please help

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 22/09/2018 10:15

I agree that him packing his bags and leaving solves one problem for you!
On a practical note, won't there be a baptism preparation class? I was asked to attend one of these, as one of the godparents, not the parent, and I was a regular attender at that church. I can't see the priest wanting to forge ahead without meeting the parents, at the very least, and if s/he realises that the date is not suitable for good reasons for one of the parents, I can't see them being happy to go ahead.
If it's RC, and your partner has RC school in mind, it's true that they like the baby christened within 6 months (rather than when it dawns on the parents that a baptismal certificate will be needed), but they will also want to check on marital status. One acquaintance of mine could not get her child into a very over-subscribed RC school because they married after the birth of the child. (I know things aren't so fraught outside London). So your partner and his mother are missing a major snag there.
But this is beside the point; the real issue is whether you have a realistic prospect of this being a happy long-term relationship, and until he's sorted out a few issues (!) I can't see him lasting the course.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 22/09/2018 10:19

Yep the classic it’s not me it’s you that’s controlling line. I got that from my Ex all the time. He would try and be controlling about money etc and when I said anything I was a ‘bully’. I questioned myself and started thinking I was going mad as it didn’t matter what was said I was the problem. Don’t get wrapped up in the who is controlling who. It sounds like you are emeshed in his family with your best friend being his sister. However you need to rise above the accusations of being controlling. Stick to your guns about the christening and be very clear that it will be in December and your DS and family will be attending and if he accuses you of being controlling then so be it. Although ulimately I would be asking him to leave

YellowOcelot · 22/09/2018 10:24

No vicar should agree to baptise a child without the consent of both parents. A good vicar will also sense that something is not right here, try to get to the bottom of the situation and make sure you're OK. Talk to him/her.

SecretlyChartreuse · 22/09/2018 10:27

There is literally only one reason to rush a christening and that’s if the baby is dying and you believe that unbaptised babies go to hell.

You have bigger issues. Your partner’s mother (who I presumed is not your legal MIL) and your partner don’t want your eldest there.

Get out. Go home. I don’t normally post this but LTB. Godspeed.

Lemontart25 · 22/09/2018 10:39

Op the fact you can see the pattern is a god thing & means you realise this is not a place you or your children should be. You survived leaving once & you will 100% manage to do that again.

Please do not let this continue. You will ha e a life long miserable struggle if not worse by the sounds of things already only 2 years in.

He is also very aware of your past I assume so is using that against you too & you being best friends with his sister, he basically has you where he wants you. Let him go. If it is your house do not let him back. If you want to continute the relationship (I wouldn't in these circumstances) but do so with some distance. Living togetehr is not ideal with someone like him.

thethoughtfox · 22/09/2018 10:48

Let him leave. Take control of your own life again. Reset some control over your own child and establish fair contact. You may need legal help with a family like this.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 22/09/2018 11:01

I was recently official witness to a woman being christened in her 50s. Baby's age is nonsense.

You're not trying to control this, you're trying to meet half way. He isn't trying, so it's clear to me who is controlling.

I'm concerned your eldest is living with someone who doesn't view him as part of the family.

I'm concerned you're not getting a say in fundamental decisions. That is WRONG and abusive.

I'm also concerned that you are isolated from people outside your partners family.

Phone the vicar and explain the situation. Be very clear that you do not want your baby christened on this date.

Phone Women's Aid and ask for some advice about back up plans and freedom programme.

Get a 'go bag' ready - so you can leave at a moment's notice and have essentials. Including baby's birth certificate if you've already registered baby.

If you haven't registered baby yet, then go and do that by yourself. Give baby the name & spelling YOU want, and make sure your surname is included in baby's surname. I'd actually consider either putting your partner's surname as a middle name or leave it off completely.

You need to get away from this man. Don't bother trying to understand him, focus instead on where you are going to live & how you are going to get away.

frami · 22/09/2018 11:09

Contact the minister and ask to postpone/cancel. I cancelled DS1s Christening a 2 days before due to snow storms (family abroad, none local, public transport barely functioning). Priest understood and we rearranged. If a minister will cancel for weather they will definitely cancel for you. Also you can be Christened at any age. We are Catholic and our church has several adult baptisms each year.

confusedmummy76 · 22/09/2018 11:23

He is bullying you. Stand your ground. And if he leaves, let him. Personally, I would pack his bags for him and throw him out

EnglishRose13 · 22/09/2018 11:27

LEAVE

Autumnwindy · 22/09/2018 11:30

Contact the vicar and tell him it won't be on x date because you won't be there.

oldgimmer78 · 22/09/2018 11:43

No vicar will baptize a baby without both parents consent

Not true. There are hundreds of denominations that fall under the Christian church and they are not all full of God's love. The church I was christened into does not allow an 'undedicated' parent to stand at the altar with the baby, they must sit in the congregation as they are not considered to be a true member of the church therefore their promise to God is invalid. In our church the minister only accepts the consent of the 'dedicated' parent.

The christening is a red herring though, OP has much bigger fish to fry.

SalemBlackCat · 22/09/2018 11:48

Your problem is not the Christening. Your problem is that you won't stand up for yourself. As the mother of the newborn, most of these should be your decisions. Simply have the baby with you, and don't give him the baby. That way, without the baby, there is no Christening. You are the mother. He has no right to take a newborn from their mother. No court will allow that. Simply don't let him see or have the baby. It's that simple.

happypoobum · 22/09/2018 11:51

I agree with PP - pack his bags. He sounds very controlling.

If you are worried how he might react do you have anywhere you can go with the baby?

irrate · 22/09/2018 12:03

Please op have my first ltb.

He has left before then let him go this time and DO NOT let him back.

He clearly has no intention of letting your eldest child be part of his 'new' family. My eldest is not my husband's child but he made damn sure she was at her baby sisters christening even though his sisters made comments of how she shouldn't be so old getting christened. She was 5 months old and yes we are Catholic. My eldest wasn't christened till she was 9 months old but that's not the point. The point is he is a bully and you and your children deserve better. Please leave him.

Feefeetrixabelle · 22/09/2018 13:43

You have been through this before OP. You’ve walked the path and you’ve seen where it can lead. Put a halt to his behaviour now. If he isn’t being a good enough partner then he isn’t good enough.

Feefeetrixabelle · 22/09/2018 13:45

Just keep asking yourself, or us if your doubting yourself. Am I being reasonable to want a say in my sons name? Yes of course you are. Am I being reasonable to want my son to be at his brothers christening? Yes of course you are. Ignore people who try to say you aren’t being reasonable when you know you are.

butlerswharf · 22/09/2018 13:52

Doesn't sound very Christian of him.

Original poster
Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 20:16

Update... I went to my mums to come back to find his stuff moved out, no text, call or nothing just gone

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 22/09/2018 20:19

It sounds like it will ultimately be the best thing for you. Keep strong Flowers

Zintox · 22/09/2018 20:25

Change the locks.

someonekillbabyshark · 22/09/2018 20:26

@Sjc13 I'm guessing you have got your son with you ? Good riddance if he can do this over a christening and his mother

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 22/09/2018 20:29

Good. He's saved you the task of working out to get rid of him.

Do you own your home - joint names?

Or rent - joint names?

Original poster
Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 20:31

And yes I have my son no way was I leaving the house today without him... but thank you everyone who commented, his family think the christening is still going ahead but I’ll be ringing mon morning to cancel and to state that he is not to arrange another one without my consent

OP posts:
Original poster
Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 20:32

Rent and my name at least I had the sense to move him into mine he’s away bk to his mums

OP posts: