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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am I being unreasonable saying I won’t go to my sons christening?

148 replies

Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 08:21

Hi I’m new but need advice, my partner and I have a 5week old boy and his dad wants him christened asap even if that means my 11yr old son (from previous relationship) can’t be there. He wants Oct the day after I take my son to London to his dads knowing how much my moods are low wen I get bk and won’t be in the right frame of mind to enjoy my sons christening, I have tried to comprise and asked for us to stick to our original date in dec when all my youngest family can be there not just his when I explained how important it was for me to have everyone there he didn’t care, his mum said he has a say so he took that as his way and I just have to deal with it, the thing is I’ve not had a say in ANYTHING his name and spelling of it, the religion, even talked as far as schools and I don’t have a say there either now I don’t get to choose christening date or who gets to be there ... am I being unreasonable saying if everyone can’t be there for my sons day I won’t be, even went on to say his whole family will be there just not ur son which is not my problem.... please help

OP posts:

Celebelly · 22/09/2018 09:09

*your feelings.

Sorry, pressed post too soon!

PunkrockerGirl59 · 22/09/2018 09:12

Don't wait for him to pack his bags, do it for him. Your mil is welcome to him.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 22/09/2018 09:15

So you are going along with his demands out of fear he will leave you again, you didn't get a say in the naming of your own child AND he wants to exclude your other child from a significant family gathering!!!

Pack his bags, regain control over your OWN life.
THIS IS NOT WHAT A HEATHLY RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE

someonekillbabyshark · 22/09/2018 09:15

Your husband is bullying you and manipulating you to get what he wants, that is disgusting if he does pack his bags and leave, change the locks !!!! You don't want your sons to grow up like this man. Think how you would feel if you watched your son treat his wife like that? DO NOT let him get what he wants you carried the child and gave birth to him and he can't even compromise on his name or christening ? I'd be running for the hills!

klondike555 · 22/09/2018 09:17

I thinks he’s gonna pack his bags and leave again

That sounds like a win in my books! I'd be packing them for him and dumping them on the doorstep. He can go and live with mummy dearest so you can get out of this abusive relationship.

Whatsthisbear · 22/09/2018 09:19

How horrible that he doesn’t care if your eldest is there or not.

What a crap step father he is.

He always wants his way on more important things-wow-controlling.

Help him pack!

Twotailed · 22/09/2018 09:20

This man sounds like a controlling bastard. Are you happy with him? Do you feel safe? Do you have support outside the relationship? Was he like this before pregnancy?

LibraryLurker · 22/09/2018 09:21

Ring the Vicar/Minister concerned. Tell him/her that you are not happy with the date being arranged by your husband/mil and that you want to cancel. Explain why. Any sensible Minister would then refuse to conduct the christening until all parties are agreed and they might even take issue with your husband for putting you in such an awkward position. Let him pack his bags. This is not a healthy relationship to be in.

Potplant2 · 22/09/2018 09:23

I assist with a lot of christenings and I can’t remember the last time the candidate was under 6 month old. It’s not normal to rush it. 4 months is absolutely fine, and it absolutely cannot happen without your permission.

Shockers · 22/09/2018 09:23

Doesn’t your eldest live with you? If not, is that because of him?

I agree with all the pp who say let him go; being a single parent can be hard, but nothing like as difficult as being with someone who will eventually destroy your mental health. Good luck.

supersop60 · 22/09/2018 09:26

Firstly - the age of the child doesn't matter. it's an old superstition that you had to renounce the devil as soon as possible.
Secondly - as SO MANY pp have said - the issue is not the christening, it's your very controlling partner (the clue is in the word partner). You need to get this sorted asap or leave. Frankly, he sounds awful.
The big decisions are where you should be working together. He's not your dad.
I would suggest looking at his parents' relationship to find out where you are headed.

Feefeetrixabelle · 22/09/2018 09:26

Tell him not to let the door hit him in the arse on his way back to mummy’s.

auntyflonono · 22/09/2018 09:30

You can change his name, you have a year I think.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 22/09/2018 09:34

My OH started trying to get me to agree to things just after I had his DC, I was not my usual tough self. My family being excluded from things and everything being about his family. I had an older DS from another partner too. had to grow a pair and told him to cut the crap or he can leave. It is completely ridiculous for the christening to change and for your family not to be there.It’s quite simple it’s not that you don’t go to the christening it’s that you stick to the original date when all of the family can attend. It’s quite simple.... this is not a good sign of your simply considering not bothering to go to your own DC christening. You need to set the boundaries now or this will get worse . The worrying part here is your OH doesn’t seem to care about excluding your family and your older DS. That would be a decider for me

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/09/2018 09:37

Without being flippant or unkind, let him leave.
You have every right to have a say, in your son's future. Do not marry this man, he is very controlling, supported by his family.
Pack his bags for him, and christen your baby in December, as originally planned, and of course, invite both families.
Don't be a doormat OP, he'll walk all over you, given a chance.

Bananamanfan · 22/09/2018 09:38

I really think you should contact the register office to find out how to change your baby's name. I know a pp said you have 50% say in it, but because you are not married, you had 100% say. Your partner would not even have been named as the father without your say so.
Put yourself in a stronger position with regards to your DC then decide what you want to do.

notapizzaeater · 22/09/2018 09:43

Everyone is telling you the same here. He's abusive.

womanintrousers · 22/09/2018 09:45

I think him leaving will be the best thing from what you say. He sounds controlling and a bully. Ganging up on you with his mother is unacceptable. I would take the baby to London with me.

BunsOfAnarchy · 22/09/2018 09:48

Let him leave.

What an absolute tosser.

Get into a bubble with new baby. Enjoy every moment u can. Never ever let anyone think they can control your sons life again

ShadowHuntress · 22/09/2018 09:54

He’s going to leave again? This time don’t let him. Pack his bags and toss him out before he gets the chance to. Absolutely ridiculous that they are pressuring you to get him christened at a time when your other child, the baby’s brother, can not make it. They are deliberately trying to exclude him. Awful behaviour. This will only get worse. Please leave this relationship. As pp has said, take the baby to London with you

HolidayModeMum · 22/09/2018 09:55

This is NOT how a healthy relationship works!!! The Christening should be a joint family event and not just about him. The fact that he wants to exclude your family (and you) says a lot about him and none of it is good!!!

I would be packing his bags for him and holding open the door.

Original poster

Sjc13 · 22/09/2018 09:56

His family aren’t religious at all, my son is the 1st grandson born out of 7 grandkids, so I guess they want more of a say with him...I have a lot of respect for his dad (child’s grandfather) but I can’t get past this, apparently I’m the controlling 1 who goes into strops to get me own way yet wen I ask for examples or how he can’t answer and I’m blowing this out of proportion I’ve already told him he leaves then not to come bk. as for my family and friends it’s only my mum and 2 boys and my closest friend is his sister. I know what he’s doing I’ve been woman’s aid before (my eldests father) so I’ve been thru it b4 just a lot worse, he’s more along the lines of immature but the last 2-3 weeks seems to be shifting into abusive we’ve been together for over 2yrs

OP posts:

pointythings · 22/09/2018 09:56

I agree with changing your baby's name. And yes, you need to grow a spine and get out of this relationship. You'd be far better off as a single parent than with this controlling man and his interfering mother - they are behaving as if they own you.

And definitely contact the church and say you will not be there in October (and why) and that you insist on sticking with the agreed date in December. FWIW my DCs were 10 and 9 months respectively when they were christened (we had to do it in the US because DH's family were there - mine are a bunch of non-believers and weren't bothered about attending a christening )

sashh · 22/09/2018 09:57

Agree with let him leave.

As for the christening, well tell the priest/vicar/minister it is happening in December when you can be there and so can your eldest. But you don't have to have your child christened at all.

Also, you do not have to christen a baby with the name on the birth certificate. People usually do, but you don't have to. You can add names, take them out or use a completely different name.

My mum was christened at 21, her christening and confirmation names were not the same as her given name.

Maelstrop · 22/09/2018 09:59

Leave again? Let him, he sounds like an idiot.

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