am I being unreasonable saying I won’t go to my sons christening?

[Sjc13]

Hi I’m new but need advice, my partner and I have a 5week old boy and his dad wants him christened asap even if that means my 11yr old son (from previous relationship) can’t be there. He wants Oct the day after I take my son to London to his dads knowing how much my moods are low wen I get bk and won’t be in the right frame of mind to enjoy my sons christening, I have tried to comprise and asked for us to stick to our original date in dec when all my youngest family can be there not just his when I explained how important it was for me to have everyone there he didn’t care, his mum said he has a say so he took that as his way and I just have to deal with it, the thing is I’ve not had a say in ANYTHING his name and spelling of it, the religion, even talked as far as schools and I don’t have a say there either now I don’t get to choose christening date or who gets to be there ... am I being unreasonable saying if everyone can’t be there for my sons day I won’t be, even went on to say his whole family will be there just not ur son which is not my problem.... please help

Blonde this is not a long thread so why not take the trouble to at least read the OP’s replies?

Yes. Do go for residency order ASAP. I feel you may have a fight in your hands here op

Excellent news that he's gone. Please do change the locks ASAP.
Am pleased that your xdp's dad is on side, hopefully he can help mediate between you with regards to access to the baby but you're right not to do anything without legal advice.

Christening is a red herring, just call the minister and ask him not to do it unless you can both agree to it, and agree the day

Well he messaged asking for overnight tonight ... not happening I reasearched what was best for infant contacts and sent them to him, I want what’s best for child and not have I’m caught up in petty shit all say the same no overnights till at least 3 or can cause long term issues with the child so I’m gonna go with what I saw until told otherwise by a court

Brava. Stay strong.

You have a far bigger problem than a christening

1. well done! Very brave of you to have stood your ground to this absolutely waste of space
2. definitely don’t let him see baby or take baby away unsupervised, even during the day. He sounds like the type to refuse to return the child.

Well done on the not overnights and also sending him the recommendations so he knows he can't railroad you.

He wants overnight of a 4 week old baby..... my word I wouldn’t trust the man. He ups and leaves you wth not a word. He is likely not to bring your baby back. Get a residential order and get the arrangements formalised

OP, stay angry with him!
Get legal advice, sort benefits, tell your family/friends, tell HV, change the locks.
You've got a newborn, so ask for help from people you trust. Get a ring of protection around yourself and baby, I suspect ex and his DM won't quietly withdraw from your lives.

Sabine I have read all replies ?🤷‍♀️

Why do some men turn into monsters when there's a new baby? :(

As this is a christening thread I have an excuse to tell what happened at the christening of DD1. For some reason it was after a 7.30 in the evening service, so quite late. I'd invited various family members and friends for nibbles and get-together afterwards. DH (now ex) volunteered to ferry some relations back to the house, and return for me and the baby (this was in November BTW). I sat in the church and waited and waited and waited and waited (no mobile phones at the time). Church empty. Then the lights all went out. Felt my way to the door, and it was locked. Could see a light under vestry door, so felt my way to that and sat in a chair for about an hour. Finally the vicar came in to close up, to find me ensconced with baby. The vicarage was next door, so he brought me in there and phoned my ex who said he'd come for me 'as soon as he could'. I sat in the sittingroom with vicar and his wife carefully looking at anything but me. Ex arrived in a snotty humour at about 11.30 and drove me home in silence. Everyone there had thought I'd been putting the baby to bed and lay down with her. I packed up and went home to my mother the next day, but foolishly allowed myself to be persuaded back for a few more years of the same. Arsehole.

Juells what a shocking story. Truly shocking and not surprised that he is now your ex

@Sjc13. From experience I 100% agree you need a residency order before he can take baby out alone ! And wouldn't even let him go without you yet anyway isn't he a newborn? I'd say 6 months at the youngest! Residency orders are very easy to get hun just apply to the court and a judge will sign of on it! Obviously doesn't mean you have more custody it just means he lives with you and if your husband tried to keep him the police would bring him home xx

Truly shocking and not surprised that he is now your ex

It always kind of upsets me that I'm quite a tough person, was very self-confident, not at all a doormat, and yet someone felt he could - and did - get away with that when I was vulnerable. I had family support, but how much worse is it for poor women who are quiet and non-confrontational or come from abusive backgrounds, what they're put through gives me the rage. Nothing ever seems to get better for women.

Totally agree Juells I am a tough woman and with my first ended up in a very unpleasant relationship. Thankfully I sorted myself and left him and it was the best thing I ever did for me and my DS. He tried to wear me down but I didn’t let him. I too feel for those they are struggling within an abusive relationship and can see no way out

Wow @Juells that's shocking! Glad you got rid of him.

I too feel for those they are struggling within an abusive relationship and can see no way out

For outsiders it's difficult to understand how worn down women can become when they have small children or babies - from being independent financially and every other way they're suddenly vulnerable, exhausted, have no money of their own and haven't had time to adjust to their world being turned upside down.

Glad you got rid of him.
Ashamed to say that I stayed for many years, until he left with OW

Juells my mother was beaten for years and I couldnt understand why she didn't leave. My father also left with another woman and it took my DM years to find herself again. She slept with a large kitchen knife under her pillow for along time

Please don't be persuaded to let him back. A chat with women's aid to clear your head might be a good idea

Hi OP,
This might sound silly, but I see that you are not going to allow contact without a court order, which is appropriate in your situation.

All I wanted to add was to make sure that the order for contact clearly states that the child/ren must be returned at the times specified in the order. Orders tend to be written to the resident parent, telling them what days/hours to make the child/ren available to the non resident parent. If the order does not specifically state what time the child/ren must be returned, then in the event of the NRP not returning them on time, the police can't enforce it. You just ask the judge to write it in to the order.