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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only pay for vegan food at my wedding?

999 replies

ClaraBanana7 · 21/09/2018 14:52

Haven't set a date yet, but it'll be in around 2 years so it's not right around the corner or anything, but DP and I are both vegans. Neither of us have a problem with other people eating animal products, I don't think I've ever even brought up veganism unless I'm at a restaurant and need to order because I really hate confrontation and I've seen/heard so many cruel and horrible things being said to vegans. That said, we don't want to pay for the guests to be served animal products at our wedding.
Some of my friends think it's unfair and that restaurants etc are pandering to the vegan 'fad' (even though I've been vegan all my life) so I should cater to everyone's dietary requirements. I told them I was considering putting a meat option on the catering form, but that whoever picked it would have to pay for it themselves as I really don't want to give my own money towards that industry. But, my friends also think it's unfair that some people have to pay and others don't.
DP doesn't want to have an animal product option at all, and tbh I would also prefer this, but I want a way of not isolating people who can't go a meal without eating animal products.

OP posts:
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FrangipaniBlue · 21/09/2018 17:10

Similarly it is ridiculous if people are genuinely saying that they cannot eat one meal with meat.

And the award for the most ridiculous statement on MN today goes to...... Hmm

pigsDOfly · 21/09/2018 17:10

I've been to weddings where the food was awful because the caterers were crap: dried out chicken and overcooked vegetables.

I might have mentioned it to the person I went to the wedding with, but I wouldn't have said anything to anyone else and I certainly wouldn't have made a huge issue of it.

It's food. I didn't eat much of it but I survived and when I got home I probably made myself a sandwich.

I was there because someone I or my exh knew was getting married I wasn't there for the food.

If the food is good at a wedding I always feel it's a bonus and then I do tend to mention it to other people.

Lamona · 21/09/2018 17:10

People saying they wouldn't eat a vegan menu... imagine if it was any other food item... would you eat a menu if it contains no tomatoes? Yeah and you wouldn't notice. Its not forcing food on people, its just taking a few ingredients out of the options. For one meal!
But really this is not a big deal.

Nutkins24 · 21/09/2018 17:13

Nothing wrong with a vegan wedding. As long as the food is nice. It’s your wedding so you get to serve food you like. I don’t think you can ask some guests to pay separately.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/09/2018 17:13

Don't be silly Lydia, it's not about being fussy. Some people can't tolerate certain vegetables or pulses due to IBS for instance and some people just don't like them. FIL won't eat anything vegetable based or with any spice in it. So when he comes here it's literally sausage and mash or a roast dinner. There's no chilli con carne, lasagne, spaghetti bolognaise etc which is fine because he doesn't like it.

Sunshine365 · 21/09/2018 17:13

If they can’t go without meat for one day for the sake of celebrating your wedding i’m not sure they’re really friends.

Meat eater here, who would happily eat vegan for a friends wedding.

Original poster
ClaraBanana7 · 21/09/2018 17:14

@Lamona I care about it a lot regardless of who is paying for it, but I understand that I can't force people to conformed to my pov and that it's not fair on others to lecture them and force them to do as I do.
The paying for their own meat was due to a couple of friends being as some posters have been on this thread and saying how disgusted/upset/annoyed they are that I wouldn't be providing a meat option. I posted to figure out whether there was a way of keeping everyone happy, but I'm going to stick to my original plan of vegan only.

OP posts:
1981fishgut · 21/09/2018 17:14

Lamona It’s about 4 food groups not just fucking meat
Dairy
Eggs

Have you ever had ducking tea with no milk
Vegan ice cream 🤮

HesterMacaulay · 21/09/2018 17:14

And I can’t think nothing fucking worse than not being able to ducking even butter your roll grim
I'm guessing the OP is planning a fabulous menu that does not require rolls to be buttered. I honestly think you need to broaden your horizons!

LydiaLunch7 · 21/09/2018 17:15

imagine if it was any other food item... would you eat a menu if it contains no tomatoes?

If someone invited me to a wedding with no tomatoes I would refuse. I'm not having them force their beliefs on me! How would they like it if I invited them to a wedding where the only food available was tomatoes?? And the only drink was tomato juice?!

Also be prepared for lots of bitching and moaning and people going hungry. My brother's gf's sister's niece went to a wedding with no tomatoes in August and she said it was all anyone talked about.

AssignedNorthernAtBirth · 21/09/2018 17:15

Good idea to drop the pay for your own meat thing, that's weird as fuck. Just pay for vegan for all guests.

Also tbh, those who do want to pay for their own meat will do so by sloping off to nearest kebab shop or similar, with or without permission. I did actually have to do that at the only veggie wedding I've been to, though in fairness that was because the food was awful not because it was veggie. Had there been a takeaway of nice vegan or veggie food closer than the meat one, I'd have gone there. I needed something edible to soak all the booze up though.

tempester28 · 21/09/2018 17:16

Just do vegan menu for everyone, that would be fine. I think it would annoy people if you offered a meat dish to be paid for. It would unnecessarily complicate things and would come across as rude and judgemental. If you are Vegan offer a really good vegan menu for everyone. Nobody needs animal products every meal.

CountFosco · 21/09/2018 17:17

I'm a meat eater who grew up on a farm. Just serve vegan food, it's your wedding. But don't make a big thing of it or the complainers will go on and on. FWIW usually wedding food is pretty boring, one of the best meals I had at a wedding was vegetarian (bride was vegetarian), the food was really interesting and tasty. I loved it!

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/09/2018 17:17

I'd love to see those avid meat eaters sitting down at a reception, to be faced with a dish of dog or horse meat and see how happy they are then.

I've done both, frankly the horse meat was surprisingly sweet and the dog meat nothing special.

But you would be a twat of the highest order to do this and advertise the fact that that was what you fed them.

Original poster
ClaraBanana7 · 21/09/2018 17:18

@1981fishgut try Swedish glace ice cream, most of my non vegan friends prefer it to dairy ice cream and the ones who don't can't tell a difference.
I'm probably not serving tea, but if I am, most of my friends again don't really notice when there's vegan milk in their tea/hot chocolate/coffee. Try oat or rice milk in tea instead of soy/almond, might make a huge difference for you.

OP posts:
Charolais · 21/09/2018 17:20

Sounds fun hmm

I think I'd decline the invitation tbh. Doesn't sound very hospitable only having vegan food on the menu. In fact I couldn't think of anything worse.

I couldn't think of anything worse than having someone like you at my wedding.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/09/2018 17:20

ClaraBanana7

the only reason I wouldn't come is if you did the "pay for the meat course"

I wouldn't care that you are your DP are vegans. So put on a vegan spread.

Just don't do the normal soggy mushroom BS.

Put on a buffet of the most amazing vegan food that you possibly can. Jazz it up all the way and show people that there is more to veganism that nut roast and soggy mushrooms.

Done properly it should be amazing.

SinkGirl · 21/09/2018 17:20

Hester if it’s something where I can get away with not eating (eg food put out at a conference) I just don’t eat, or I’ll take something.

If it’s something like a dinner party, I apologise profusely to the host for being so incredibly awkward and offer to bring food for myself if it makes their life easier. I genuinely do find it really embarrassing to be so awkward.

OP, if you’re having a buffet, from an allergy point of view I’d just make sure everything has a nice little label (especially if it’s something hidden inside pastry or breadcrumbs that could be mistaken for something else). It’s just unfortunate that vegan food tends to be so allergen-heavy as I bet lots of it is delicious!

sophisticatedsarcasm · 21/09/2018 17:21

Most people that eat meat will eat s9me sort of veg or salad etc, I love my meat but I will eat vegan options if I like it. I’m open to most stuff. If they don’t like it don’t go.

okeydokeygirl · 21/09/2018 17:21

Another one for plan a vegan menu. Obviously cater to any other dietary NEEDS such as gluten free. Getting meat eaters to pay for their own meal is just odd. If you are both vegan then it is perfectly acceptable to serve vegan food. If your guests choose to decline the invite just because you are having a menu that fits in with your ideals then tbh you are better off without them being there. I am not even sure why this is up for debate. Most people plan a wedding, set the menu and then send the invites. Maybe stop discussing with potential guests and just agree a menu with your husband to be. I don't know anyone who would not go to a wedding because the food was going to be vegan.

1981fishgut · 21/09/2018 17:22

ClaraBanana7 It’s not about not having a meat option it’s about you being unwilling to compromise

Vegan food is mostly so far away from what most people eat on a daily basis

Veggie food is far more familiar to people

People will judge your wedding on three things and three things only

Food
Music
Booze

If you have fancy vegan crap your wedding will be remembered for the wrong reasons

And if you ever ask for your food requirements to be accommodated at a wedding your invited to Biscuit

Iwantplaits · 21/09/2018 17:23

Another one saying serve vegan and make it amazing. And don't make a song and dance about it being vegan.
There's a preconception about vegan food that make some people feel scared/not fed properly etc...

About 15yrs ago we went to a wedding where the bride was vegan (groom vegetarian). They served a vegan menu and its still the best meal I've had at a wedding.

Even my picky OH enjoyed it and didnt feel the urge to dash out for a sausage roll. There was no need for them to mention it as it was their choice and guests respected it.

Though they provided dairy and soya milk for the coffees.
I have a dairy-free child and he enjoys some great vegan food.

Enjoy picking an amazing menu!

Namechangingagainjustbecause · 21/09/2018 17:23

Have a vegan menu, your animal consuming friends will survive for one meal without it!

abacucat · 21/09/2018 17:23

I would be aware that it will limit your wedding venue options if you want decent vegan food. Most places insist you use their caterers, and unless specialist, most caterers are pretty dire when it comes to vegan options.
Also is the alcohol going to be vegan?

Beeziekn33ze · 21/09/2018 17:24

Just show your guests that it's possible to have an attractive delicious satisfying meal without animal products. I think that milk for coffee or tea might be a sticking point, you'll have to sort that out with the venue.
It's a pity you've early in advance discussed the catering with your ott 'friends' who are so ready to be 'disgusted/upset/annoyed'.

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