Things you should never say in front of childless women

[Clothrabbit]

Just following on from another thread I started, what things have childless women on here had said to or in front of them, or read celebs spouting in public, that really hurt or upset them.

For me:

You don't know what real responsibility is until you have a child.
Having a child makes you less selfish.

@SandyY2K whilst your points are valid, I still disagree that this thread is an appropriate place to mention it. Considering numerous people have already said it is one of the comments they find most irritating.

It's unreasonable to expect anyone else to know why you haven't considered it.

It is reasonable to assume that anyone who has experienced infertility will have considered adoption, and if they choose not to do so they don’t need to justify that choice to anyone.

It's unreasonable to expect anyone else to know why you haven't considered it

And it's also patronising to suggest it as though it's some unheard of thing that childless women don't know about which solves all.

I agree, @GoldilocksAndTheThreePears you should never say to a childless person, 'You could adopt.' As my DH said back then, 'Do they really think we don't know we could do that?'

My DM used to say that, as if it made it okay that I had month after month of disappointment when my period arrived. She never had any difficulty getting pregnant so she really should have kept her opinions to herself.

But it's worse when it's someone you don't know. Because for all you know, they might have applied to adopt and been turned down; SS have the final say on whether people are allowed to adopt, after all.

And actually, DH and I did adopt in the end, and we now have 2 DDs of 9 and 6, who are birth siblings. But we had to be ready to make that decision, it took 7 years of pain to get to the point when we brought DD1 home with us. And the process was agonising both times.

Saying 'You could adopt', as if it were an easy decision, is actually very insulting.

ShineOnHarvestMoon

her/his post is proof that having a child can make you monumentally stupid

But ShineOnHarvestMoon insulting someone for having children is the same as insulting someone who can't have children. You would be offended if someone replied to your insult with 'well you are not a real woman if you don't have children'.

Works both ways in my eyes.

The responses pretty much confirm my thoughts. I'm not insensitive...I've mentioned adoption to childless women I know and they've not been offended.

I'm black..I don't like being called coloured...but I don't assume all black people feel the same.

Anyway ... your feelings are your feelings and in not going to invalidate them.

I'll leave it there.

The responses pretty much confirm my thoughts. I'm not insensitive...I've mentioned adoption to childless women I know and they've not been offended.

How do you know? I don’t say to people “you know you’ve asked a bloody ridiculous, deeply personal question in the same was as you’d ask if I’d like a cup of tea”. You stick a brave face on it and moan/cry later.

I'm black..I don't like being called coloured...but I don't assume all black people feel the same

And if I called you coloured and you told me you found it offensive, I wouldn't then continue to tell you over and over why you shouldn't because I've said it to other people before and they didn't.

I also wouldn't call someone coloured on a thread full of people stating how they found it offensive.

Just because someone doesn't say they're offended doesn't mean that they don't feel that way. I was always too polite to express how I felt, even with my DM. Because it's easier to let the comment pass than to react to it.

The problem for me was that it made me feel as though they were telling me that my infertility was no big deal, because, after all, I could adopt a child.

However, IMO, you are far more likely to be more knackered and frazzled if you have a job (and also have kids,) than you are if you have a job and no kids. Especially as the women with children, will also have the stresses of work and looking after the home and older family members too. (In addition to looking after/raising their children.)

So the women who have a job but no children don't have to run a house or look after older family members? I must have imagined the hours spent on the telephone organising every night, after coming home from work via the household shopping and other tasks, which I couldn't do because I had to drive three hours every Friday and Sunday nights in order to spend the weekend doing all the looking after elderly family members that I couldn't do by phone during the week. I must have imagined the separate occasions of being woken by the police or hospital calling about emergencies, and the subsequent having to take time off work, arrange funerals etc 300 miles from my home.

Because, as the poster said, only women with children have this while us women without children don't have to look after a home and elderly family members.

Especially as the women with children, will also have the stresses of work and looking after the home and older family members too.

ACTUAL WORDS QUOTED ABOVE. Fuck, right, I'm angry about it.

Does anyone really think that people who want children but don't have them don't know about adoption?! How stupid do you think they are if your remark was the first time they knew about it? 😂

Do these people know nothing about adoption either? In my local authority, ONE CHILD was given up for adoption last year. All others went through the court system to have parental rights terminated and to be put on the adoption list, thus making it more likely that they are older and more likely to be scarred from their previous life.

It's not a simple path for the prospective parent either. Even if they manage to jump through the hoops and adopt a child, they will often need support and guidance for years to come because of the damage from the child's past. If you look deep enough into LA annual reports you will often find that the number of post-adoptive families given support numbers in the hundreds.

While a previous poster was hugely offensive to adoptive and step-parents, as well as to those who had to use surrogacy, by maintaining that it was impossible to love another woman's child as much as one you had given birth to, I think that people who go down the adoption route are showing immense love for those children. Particularly as the average person probably has little understanding of the horrendous lives some children lead until it hits the press, usually because an over-whelmed SW service has let a child slip through the net. Think of what you've read in these cases and imagine that the child was rescued and adopted. Then imagine the love and understanding that adoptive parents must have, regardless of whether they gave birth to that child.

No, adoption is never an easy and simple option.

"I've been overlooked for promotion and the reason given (this is true) was that I hadn't got children therefore I don't need the extra money - yet I was more highly qualified and better at my job than the person who got the promotion "

Isn't that illegal?