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Original poster

Things you should never say in front of childless women

842 replies

Clothrabbit · 21/09/2018 10:51

Just following on from another thread I started, what things have childless women on here had said to or in front of them, or read celebs spouting in public, that really hurt or upset them.

For me:

You don't know what real responsibility is until you have a child.
Having a child makes you less selfish.

OP posts:
nailak · 22/09/2018 13:17

Previous posters such as @shineonharvestmoon have given objections to people saying things such as
"I have never felt tiredness until..."
"I didn't know what unconditional love was"
And even "labour was the worst pain" suggesting their experiences are limited and they were shallow.people before having children.

@icedpurple this makes me think that people are suggesting they want it to become taboo and something they don't talk about.

Peanutss · 22/09/2018 13:24

I think what shineonharvestmoon was pointing out, in the context of this thread, is that there are plenty of other experiences which are similar to those of tiredness or pain experienced by mother's.

Of course you can discuss with your friends, family etc... how tired you are because of this or that or how much pain you went through in your labour.

But in the context of this thread, it's different to having a casual chat with your friends about your experiences of being a parent.

Celestia26 · 22/09/2018 13:25

Peanutss

There is a huge difference between saying 'I felt this...' to 'you haven't felt this...'

I agree. However a PP wrote this......

Oh the “its made me a better person” crap is annoying too.

Anyone who says this is saying having children made them a better person. And maybe it did. It would be a different statement entirely for them to have said 'Having children will make you a better person.'

Yet that statement is still considered insensitive. Are people with children not allowed to say this if it is in fact true? Or to stop using the word 'family' as a previous poster suggested, for fear of offending those without children? You get to the point where no matter what you say it will be picked apart.

I wouldn't expect people to moderate their use of innocuous language in case they offend me. I shouldn't have to do it for others.

Obvious statements that are insensitive and offensive to childless people, like the ones previously mentioned on here (I don't need to repeat them), are not OK. But generic inoffensive statements pertaining to a persons own personal circumstance. Well that should be allowed and tolerated even if someone might be sensitive to it.

Original poster
Clothrabbit · 22/09/2018 13:25

I'm on my phone so I can't do a link but if you want an insight into the incredibly thick and stubborn mindsets of some people who just do not get why certain comments would upset childless people you should go onto digital spy forum general and read the thread on the first page about comments that upset childless people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clothrabbit · 22/09/2018 13:26

Where did anyone say people should stop using the word family?

OP posts:
Celestia26 · 22/09/2018 13:27

The 'family day' was meant to become 'community day'.

IcedPurple · 22/09/2018 13:28

@icedpurple this makes me think that people are suggesting they want it to become taboo and something they don't talk about.

I didn't get that impression. Like I say, parents - especially mothers - are given plenty of opportunity to talk about how life-changing parenting is. It's really the opposite of 'taboo'.

What I will say, however, is that, past a certain point, listening to mothers talk about their 'life-changing experiences' simply isn't very interesting. I am childfree and I too have had experiences which have permanently changed my outlook on life. However, I don't feel the need to discuss this constantly, particularly with people who haven't had similar experiences and so can't identify with me.

Peanutss · 22/09/2018 13:29

@Celestia26 yes I agree. I wouldn't personally find that insensitive.

I do think it's a but unnecessary people coming onto this thread and telling us all about how they really didn't know love until they had a child though etc...

In real life off the internet, those comments aren't offensive. You're discussing your personal experiences with someone but on this thread and especially considering the content of it... Is there really any need? It comes across as trying to show us all what we're missing somewhat because you've found that all these things really were true in your case.

OoohSmooch · 22/09/2018 13:29

"Tired? You don't know what tired is until you have children!"

Fuck. Right. Off.

This one annoyed me SO much but then I had my little one and wow was it was actually very true for me. However it doesn't need to be said, there's no competitons for tiredness 💤

Celestia26 · 22/09/2018 13:30

And a PP wrote about the government using the term 'hard working families' as offensive to single people.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2018 13:31

The 'family day' was meant to become 'community day'
See I'd read those as two different things. Family Day I'd assume lots of kids rides, ow up inflatables, aimed primarily at under 8's. I wouldn't have gone at 30 with no children.
Community day I'd expect more stalls, musicians, crafts, music. Aimed at adults with some stuff thrown in for kids. I would have gone at 60 with no kids.

At 36 with a DS who dislikes organised fun I'd avoid them both!!

SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2018 13:32

and wow was it was actually very true ^for me^ thoseast tow words are the point though. Saying "I" is fine. Extrapolating from yiur experience everyone won't isn't OK.

Peanutss · 22/09/2018 13:33

Think about it this way...

If a friend was telling you how hurtful she found comments about how you don't know love until you've had a child because she's having trouble etc...

Would you really go on to then say 'well I can't speak for you but I personally really did find that I didn't know what love was until I had a child'

It may be true for you and in a normal everyday conversation it may not be offensive to say but in the context of the above, and this thread it becomes different. Why would you say it? You wouldn't, you'd keep it to yourself.

Original poster
Clothrabbit · 22/09/2018 13:35

Celestial. The point about the family festival is that its actually a festival organised by the community for the community so calling it a family day was wrong.

This thread is about things you should not say in front of childless people. Not sure how your post relates to that.

OP posts:
Celestia26 · 22/09/2018 13:35

SleepingStandingUp We don't know the content of the festival I suppose. It's entirely possibly it was geared more towards kids in which case 'family day' would be the appropriate term.

I have no clue without knowing what the day or festival entailed. But I would imagine whoever organised it called it that for a reason.

Celestia26 · 22/09/2018 13:37

Clothrabbit I was responding to a post you wrote about the family day. I didn't come on here and just write randomly about it.

It was a response. To your post.

Madbengalmum · 22/09/2018 13:40

We are now NC with my see you next Thursday of a SIL, and did not want any children at the time of Her comments, but when I first met her all she could say to me was that my OH would never give me children! I could never imagine saying that to someone i knew well let alone to someone I had first met, for all she knew i could of been desperately trying for children or unable to have them. Nevermind, just the words of a horrid spinster who takes pleasure in spreading her poison, and is jealous of anyone's happiness.

Celestia26 · 22/09/2018 13:43

Peanutss I certainly wouldn't say those things to a friend. However we have the benefit of knowing our friends backgrounds usually, and are able to moderate our statements so as not to cause unnecessary pain.

However, I don't know you. I don't know your past or what you are suffering with. I may type something that is generally considered OK to say, and only find out after I've said it, that it offends you. Thats the downside of conversing with strangers on the Internet. I accept that I might inadvertently offend you, and you need to accept that you may be offended even though it was unintentional. This is all due to the fact that we do not know each other. Then you tell me you're offended, I say OK, and we move on.

IcedPurple · 22/09/2018 13:45

a horrid spinster

Horrible sexist expression.

FYI, statistically, single women are happier than married women, though the reverse is true for men. Maybe we should come up with a suitably derogatory word for unwived men?

Peanutss · 22/09/2018 13:45

@Celestia26 yes quite. Except lots of posters who did just that, do know the background of some women here because of their posts on this thread so that doesn't really apply.

It's a thread about being childless and what people in that situation don't like hearing. Quite a few posters went on to share heartbreaking stories of why etc...

To then join in that conversation to say 'well I personally didn't know x y or z' or 'well it was true for me' isn't helpful in my opinion, strangers on the internet or not.

Peanutss · 22/09/2018 13:48

I'm just pointing out reasons why some posters here may still be upset by the 'I felt this way when I had kids' etc... comments which, yes may not be offensive in life off this thread, but to people here just seem unnecessary given the content of the thread.

Leobynature · 22/09/2018 13:50

@Peanutss

Your are right. Given the content of the thread perhaps me sharing my experiences as a parent wasn’t very insightful although my post was not mto make offence. I guess I was trying to say people sometimes say this shit because there is some truth in it for them although it’s tactless and people say shit.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2018 13:54

Apologies for my typing!

Peanutss · 22/09/2018 13:54

@Leobynature I think (except for a few) most posters here never intended to cause any offence and I really appreciate and am grateful that you've taken on board why it may have done for some people here. That's something that previous posters haven't been able to see.

It's a very sensitive subject. I know I for one have got really worked up about things that perhaps normally I wouldn't have due to my circumstances.

Celestia26 · 22/09/2018 13:55

Peanutss That's the problem with free speech I suppose. People can say what they want, share their opinions. All you can do is respond and say you don't like it, and hope they stop saying it, which you have done of course.

Sometimes I look at where I'm posting, if I'm writing about something that is possibly a sensitive subject then AIBU isn't always the best place, as you will get such a huge range of opinions. And everyone is entitled to their opinions. You can scroll past if you don't like them, which is very often what I do if I see something I don't like.

In the case of childlessness or infertility being the subject, then the TTC or Infertility boards might be a better place. You'll probably come back to say "Well why should I?", and my answer to that would be "Well fine, but then you need to accept you'll get some responses you don't like."