Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a shit comment to make to someone with no children

79 replies

Clothrabbit · 20/09/2018 14:20

Someone in work was commenting earlier today on how tired she felt because her elderly mother hasn't been well and she's been looking after her in the evenings and taking it in turn with her sister to stay the night.

A colleague with a small child said 'oh you don't know what tired is until you've had to entertain a toddler at 2 in the morning'.

The first woman has no children, and I just thought it was a rude and self centred comment. Of course it's tiring being woken up every night by small kids, but that doesn't mean other people don't get exhausted either.

AIBU to think it was a shit thing to say?

OP posts:
ExFury · 20/09/2018 14:28

It is a shit thing to say. Especially to a work colleague as they’ll have no idea why the colleague has no children - when I was struggling to conceive that would have been very upsetting.

Competitive tiredness is one of my bugbears though. Getting competitive with someone who is caring for an elderly parent is very twatty imo.

MissBartlettsconscience · 20/09/2018 14:29

Yes it was, but if the colleague is generally not rude or self-centred, I'd forget about it and assume she was having a bad day.

If it is the latest in a long run, I'd avoid.

Laureline · 20/09/2018 14:31

It was a bit stupid indeed.

Taking care of elderly parents is heart-breaking as you know things will not improve, and there will be an inevitable decline Sad

Taking care of a healthy active toddler at 2 AM? Tiring, yes, but normally things will get better with time.

Some people just love to be “competitive martyrs”.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/09/2018 14:32

Absolutely inappropriate. Did you say anything?

BloodyDisgrace · 20/09/2018 14:44

Yes, it's that competitive crap, who's best at being a real martyr. Time we stop all this bs in its track. If I were you, I'd say something, non-aggressive, but supportive towards the one with ill mother.

People at work do all sorts of strange things. We had a group lunch, one colleague had her young daughter with a baby sitting with us, and the third colleague turned to me (same age as that young daughter) and asked: Do you like children? Like, a rhetoric question expecting an answer yes to everyone's applaud. I said No. And that was that. No one died :)

LostInShoebiz · 20/09/2018 14:44

Inappropriate and potentially insensitive. There is class of parent out there for whom nothing is so hard, so tiring, so rewarding, so whatever as having a child/children and no matter what you say, they manage to bring it back to how they're the most whatever because they have children.

I'm certain junior doctors, soldiers, people in disaster zones, anyone caring round the clock with dementia, anyone with insomnia, any number of people know the level of tiredness (maybe even more than) someone having to entertain their own progeny at 2am.

Mrskeats · 20/09/2018 14:46

Very rude. Parents don't have the monopoly on tiredness.

Gemini69 · 20/09/2018 14:51

She could have been Tired from painting a ceiling all night.. it would still leaves her Tired.. the colleague is a Dick Flowers

morningconstitutional2017 · 20/09/2018 14:53

It was rude and some people are just like that. I think a dirty look can say a great deal. Maybe just remind her that looking after an elderly parent is very like looking after a small child, so there.

EarlGreyT · 20/09/2018 14:58

It’s a shit thing to say to anyone whether they have children or not. It’s a particularly shit thing to say to someone without children as it dismisses her feelings and suggests she can’t possibly feel tired if she doesn’t have children.

It’s also insensitive because she’s tired because her mother is ill (which is stressful in itself) and she has been looking after her, there is no acknowledgment of any of this.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/09/2018 14:58

What you have there is a game of Misery Top Trumps... Competitive tiredness is of similar ilk to who had the worst child-birth experience, IME.

EarlGreyT · 20/09/2018 14:59

Competitive tiredness is one of my bugbears though.

Mine too, but not as big a bugbear as competitive business.

BloodyDisgrace · 20/09/2018 14:59

And if I were in the place of the one with ill mother, I'd say to the one with a toddler "Thanks. Better you than me!"

Seriously, a lot of sensitive decent people realise what a valuable life skill it is to have a quick reaction, and to unlearn a lot of inhibiting "niceties". Just say what you think without being aggressive, people adjust accordingly and think twice about saying shit to you.

EarlGreyT · 20/09/2018 14:59

*I mean busyness.

rickandmorts · 20/09/2018 15:00

Yeah that's shit. I hate competitive tiredness. I'm not allowed to be tired at work anymore because my manager has a new baby so his tiredness trumps everyone else's Angry

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2018 15:00

My goodness, competitive tiredness. Now I've heard it all.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/09/2018 15:00

That was a shit thing to say.

Haireverywhere · 20/09/2018 15:01

A stupid thing to say regardless of whether the woman had children.

Why do we people have to 'top that'? Competitive martyrdom is so annoying.

Charolais · 20/09/2018 15:01

I would have taken it as a light hearted (jokey) comment made by a woman who was exhausted from spending a night with a toddler.

Of course there are things much more tiring and I'm sure she knows it.

Haireverywhere · 20/09/2018 15:01

*some people

LucyLoooo · 20/09/2018 15:05

If you think about it, it's not very sensitive. It's the kind of comment that people with kids say all the time though. She probably didn't even think about the content and blurted it out. If the woman without children is going to get upset about the comment, then she probably gets upset a lot, because this kind of thing would happen a lot I should think.

People without children often don't think about what it's like for people with kids either.

It's a shame if we all need to be treading on egg shells, analysing every comment before we speak.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/09/2018 15:06

I would have taken it as a light hearted (jokey) comment made by a woman who was exhausted from spending a night with a toddler.!. Depends on the tone but even so, someone is caring for a sick parent not moaning about staying up partying. Empathy and compassion or keeping your mouth shut are all far more appropriate

Of course there are things much more tiring and I'm sure she knows it. wouldn't bet on it

ethelfleda · 20/09/2018 15:07

YANBU!! Of course you can still be tired and have no kids! My tiredness is definitely baby related though!

I hate people with that attitude. It’s very patronising. It’s the same if I say I find it tough to get stuff done as DS is crawling now and they say “oh wait until he is walking, then you will have problems”

Yeah. Thanks for that.

ScreamingValenta · 20/09/2018 15:12

Yes, it was an insensitive comment. She could so easily have said the same thing in a sympathetic way, e.g. "I know how awful you must feel after a broken night; I get exhausted too when my toddler keeps me awake."

DarlingNikita · 20/09/2018 15:13

A really shite thing to say. Some people with children think they're the only ones who can be tired (and conversely the only ones who can experience real love/devotion etc).

I'm happily child-free, but I know plenty of people who longed for children but don't/won't/can't have them, and this sort of shit would and does really upset them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread