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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a shit comment to make to someone with no children

79 replies

Clothrabbit · 20/09/2018 14:20

Someone in work was commenting earlier today on how tired she felt because her elderly mother hasn't been well and she's been looking after her in the evenings and taking it in turn with her sister to stay the night.

A colleague with a small child said 'oh you don't know what tired is until you've had to entertain a toddler at 2 in the morning'.

The first woman has no children, and I just thought it was a rude and self centred comment. Of course it's tiring being woken up every night by small kids, but that doesn't mean other people don't get exhausted either.

AIBU to think it was a shit thing to say?

OP posts:
PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 20/09/2018 15:17

What an absolutely appalling thing to say!

mumofmunchkin · 20/09/2018 15:22

Shit thing to say.

I'd be tempted to ask why she was entertaining the toddler at 2am. I lie in bed next to the faffing monster and pretend to be asleep until they give up and go back to sleep. Aint no one got time to "entertain" at 2am.

cinammonrollsnotgenderroles · 20/09/2018 15:23

It was shit. I couldn't have kids and most people seem to assume I chose not to (not sure why). A comment like this would really upset me, firstly because of the kids thing but also because looking after elderly relatives is emotionally exhausting and that woman has no right to belittle her colleague's situation. Has she no empathy? Apparently not.

yumyumpoppycat · 20/09/2018 15:24

Crap of her to say on so many levels.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 20/09/2018 15:27

It’s a twatty comment and the colleague deserves her arse handed to her. It’s normal to be woken up by a toddler, and yes, it’s extremely tiring, but I can imagine taking care of a sick elderly parent who might also have you up several times in the night isn’t just physically tiring but also exhausts you with worry.

Peakypush · 20/09/2018 15:27

It was really rude of her to say in any circumstance but especially since your colleague was referring to her ill mother. It was highly insensitive. However I'd probably think similar - I really don't think there's any tiredness like the one that comes with small children (aside from like a pp said a soldier or some other extreme situation). That's not to say other people don't get exhausted, of course they do, I suffered with chronic insomnia before I had children so I know how debilitating situations like that are, but still it didn't come close to the tiredness I feel since having DC. I would never say this out loud though except to my DP! I imagine it just slipped out and unless she's got form for being self-centered and inconsiderate, I imagine she might have been kicking herself afterwards.

MiggledyHiggins · 20/09/2018 15:44

"I'll put your rudeness down to sleep deprivation then" is what I'd have answered.

I've done both. Both are exhausting, and both are temporary states of sleeplessness but one is frustrating and the other is heartbreaking. One you'll be happy when you get a full nights sleep, the other, you will be bereaved. The progression of one of those gives you joy, and the other leaves only sadness.

Ameliarose16 · 20/09/2018 15:44

I hate comments like this... Also, people who say your life has no purpose until youre a parent..... erm

LittleMissPonsible · 20/09/2018 16:03

Awful.

I helped my mother care for my terminally ill grandmother overnight. It was frightening and exhausting. Much worse than looking after a toddler at any time.

Also, who ‘entertains’ a toddler at 2am. Soothe, comfort, bore back to sleep. But entertain? She’s an idiot.

Lethaldrizzle · 20/09/2018 16:11

Her choice to have a child, not the other's choice to have a sick mum

Original poster
Clothrabbit · 20/09/2018 16:16

"I really don't think there's any tiredness like the one that comes with small children "

How can you possibly know that? Have you ever sat up all night with a seriously ill parent? Have you ever had to work almost back to back shifts with just a couple of hours between each? Have you ever had to work two jobs to pay the bills?

I'm sure many people who've done the above would say they 'don't think there's any tiredness' to compare.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 20/09/2018 16:20

I fucking hated this comment when I didn't have my LO.
I still hate it and will never use it on anyone.

Condescending, patronising statement.

Oh, I'm so much more tired than anyone else because I have a child who wakes up during the night. Fuck off!

Caring for someone through the night is exhausting. Looking after a toddler is exhausting. It's not a fucking competition!

didnteatallmyfishandchips · 20/09/2018 16:25

Competitive tiredness is ridiculous and needs to go away.

SinkGirl · 20/09/2018 16:28

Yes, it was a shitty thing to say. I sort of understand it, but I don’t think it.

I’ve cared for a terminally ill parent. I’ve done a job where you have periods of several weeks of working 18-20 hour days without a day off. I have ME. I’ve still never been as seriously and dangerously sleep deprived as when my twins were babies. They were horrific sleepers, woke 4-6 times a night each (at different times), I was pumping and I had two alarms through the night to test blood sugar and give medicine.

And despite all that I can only think of one time I’ve ever really thought ODFOD and that was a parent I knew who said they knew they were lucky that their child sleeps through every night but last night they woke up once (for 20 minutes) and now they can’t cope with the exhaustion. I rolled my eyes internally but smiled and commiserated.

Tiredness is tiredness. If you’re tired, you’re tired.

LondonJax · 20/09/2018 16:29

I think I'd have had to pipe up with something like 'not very helpful. Maybe it would have been better to say oh sorry X, that's awful. How is your mum? Can I get you a cuppa you must be shattered' and shamed her into silence.

There's a time and a place to moan about your lot and putting yourself in competition with someone who is probably worried, tired and emotionally drained is just rotten.

Some people just like the 'me, me, me' syndrome.

myphoneisgone · 20/09/2018 16:36

It was a stupid comment as there is no reason why it is more tiring to be kept up by a toddler than an elderly person. You are tired because you are being kept awake, not because of the age of the person keeping you awake.

Crinkle77 · 20/09/2018 16:38

My friend said something similar to me and I wanted to bounce her. She has kids and I don't. Never mind the fact that I have insomnia, a bladder condition that has me up 3 times a night and had a vit d deficiency which made me feel awful at the time.

Birdsgottafly · 20/09/2018 16:41

I had three children, two with SN and sleep issues. I was an LP and worked.

I was never more exhausted than when I was going through the peri-menopause and Caring for my Mother.

Even if her statement was true, it was rude and unnecessary.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 20/09/2018 16:50

It was a completely shitty thing to say. I personally have never been as tired as when I had a newborn. That doesn't mean no one has ever been more tired than that. Also, if she is technically more tired (and how would we even measure that?) shut up about yourself and express some sympathy for a colleague going through a really tough time, you self-centred twerp.

Goldenbear · 20/09/2018 16:55

These things are not mutually exclusive though - you can be parent up in the night and be an insomniac, with a health condition that makes it difficult to sleep. It was a unthoughtful thing to say but it's silly to say it's normal with babies so you don't worry. You certainly worry if they have reflux and are puking up on you every time they feed which is a lot as they've just puked up their milk or when you toddler is wheezing, a high temperature, a cough that has hung around for ages. The unpredictably if the awakenings puts your nerves on edge, it's the broken sleep that makes it much worse than staying up to paint a room all night. You are in charge of painting a room all night, it's like doing an all nighter on an essay at uni- yes, you're tired but you know you can hand it in and sleep. That's not usually an option with a baby.

butterflysugarbaby · 20/09/2018 17:01

YANBU. I hate this top-trumps shit.

Just coz a certain part of society has a hard time for a certain reason, that doesn't mean others have an easy life!

Rebecca36 · 20/09/2018 17:11

It was a totally inappropriate thing to say for all sorts of reasons. Some people are just so insensitive, they totally lack any social graces.

I think someone should tell the woman how wrong she was to say that and why, perhaps she'll learn.

mathanxiety · 20/09/2018 17:25

Pretty rude, not just because the person the remark was directed to has no children, but because it negated the experience of that person who is caring for her ailing mother.

Bad case of foot-in-mouth. Someone who doesn't like seeing another getting attention perhaps?

SleepingStandingUp · 20/09/2018 17:41

I really don't think there's any tiredness like the one that comes with small children
Well now, we're you up with your baby at home? Because unless you've been up through the night in a strange hospital then you have no idea what tiredness is.
Shit reply isn't it?? And not true of everyone. YOU'VE never been as tired as since you had kids. I'VE never been as tired as when mine in in hospital. Bit you can't actually compare the two - who knows which of us was actually more tired. Quite possibly the woman up all night with her 84 yr old mother with dementia

TheNoodlesIncident · 20/09/2018 17:48

She could so easily have said the same thing in a sympathetic way, e.g. "I know how awful you must feel after a broken night; I get exhausted too when my toddler keeps me awake."

Or she could just as easily have said: "Gosh colleague, that sounds worrying. Is your mum any better today? Hope she's on the mend soon."

I think I'd say something like the latter, it seems more appropriate than than trying to outdo someone at a stressful period of their life.