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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a shit comment to make to someone with no children

79 replies

Clothrabbit · 20/09/2018 14:20

Someone in work was commenting earlier today on how tired she felt because her elderly mother hasn't been well and she's been looking after her in the evenings and taking it in turn with her sister to stay the night.

A colleague with a small child said 'oh you don't know what tired is until you've had to entertain a toddler at 2 in the morning'.

The first woman has no children, and I just thought it was a rude and self centred comment. Of course it's tiring being woken up every night by small kids, but that doesn't mean other people don't get exhausted either.

AIBU to think it was a shit thing to say?

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/09/2018 19:05

Oh it's a frequent occurrence for those of us without children.

We don't get tired
We don't understand what love is
We aren't entitled to an opinion about anything ever
We could "just" adopt
We could "just"relax
We could "just" insert other stupid fucking suggestion here
We don't work so hard
We aren't entitled to moan about not being able to have children without hearing fucking useless platitudes and suggestions that don't actually work
We are expected to financially support our siblings children because we don't have any so therefore must have soooo much money
We don't deserve a big house with a nice garden
We think our pets are our babies
It's ok to force us into hosting Christmas for said siblings and their children because they have worked so hard this year and don't have the energy or the money to do Christmas for themselves

EarlGreyT · 20/09/2018 22:21

I really don't think there's any tiredness like the one that comes with small children

That’s only because that’s the worst tiredness you’ve ever experienced and the worst tiredness people you know have told you about. There are many other equally significant causes of tiredness which people have to cope with on a regular basis. Just because you have no experience of them, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist other that they’ not worse than the one that comes with having small children.

EarlGreyT · 20/09/2018 22:22

^they’
I mean they’re

SinkGirl · 20/09/2018 23:21

I forgot the most exhausted I’ve ever been, aside from spending as much time as I could in the hospice with my Mum. When my twins were almost 3 months, one was hospitalised with whooping cough. He was put in paediatric HDU which was a 3 bed bay with no beds for parents (unlike the rest of the children’s ward). I guess this is because most kids are only in that room for a day or two, but my son was in there for 11 nights. You literally can’t leave, they don’t have enough staff to care fully for babies, so I was in there 24/7 for 11 nights with whatever minutes of broken sleep I could get in the chair next to his bed in between coughing fits that lasted hours. For the first week I think I had less than five hours sleep in total.

I was so exhausted I thought I was actually going to die. I was hallucinating.

Now, if that had never happened, I would have said that I was as tired as it’s possible to be during the 4 month sleep regression where I slept maybe one to two hours a night if I was lucky.

The worst tiredness you’ve ever felt will always feel like the most tired it’s possible to be. I’m sure there are people who’ve been more tired than I was - I hope they came out of it alive!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/09/2018 23:25

It was a stupid thing to say. Even if it were true (and it’s not), why on earth would you feel the need to say it?
Does she have form for being a bit of a cow?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 20/09/2018 23:33

I really don't think there's any tiredness like the one that comes with small children

The whole point of the OP starting this thread was to tell you that you are wrong and probably a bit annoying and a bit of an arse to boot. There are other things that keep people from sleeping that are as bad/worse.

Millie2008 · 20/09/2018 23:37

I do think it was definitely an insensitive comment regardless of whether the other colleague had children or not. But out of interest did she definitely know the other woman didn’t have children? Just playing devils advocate, it was just an “in the moment” comment so maybe she just didn’t think. I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of that, and maybe she’s reflecting on it now and giving herself a hard time (as I would be). Saying this, I obviously don’t know her so maybe she’s known for being self-centred and making insensitive comments!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/09/2018 23:40

It would be even weirder to say it to someone who had children? Surely the point is that it assumes the tired colleague had no notion of what real tiredness is because she hadn’t experienced being woken by children?

FreckledLeopard · 20/09/2018 23:43

I'm sick of everyone piling on threads like this. In 99% of offices/social situations people would make a comment about the exhaustion of small children and not give it another thought. Now everyone's supposed to be offended and report it?!

Babies and small children are exhausting. I was suicidal with sleep deprivation when DD was a baby. And nothing I've been through since compares (including dying parent/parent with dementia/working 100+ week's as a City lawyer).

Let's hope to God that other colleagues you have don't start a 'professionally offended' thread and get on with their lives without a second thought Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 20/09/2018 23:47

I'm sick of everyone piling on threads like this

You mean sharing their own personal views that agree with the op’s?

Professionally offended is lazy terminology usually used by people who can’t formulate a proper argument.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/09/2018 23:50

Nobody suggested reporting it? Most people just think it was an insensitive thing to say. Thinking it is one thing, ramming it into a conversation about something else is quite self centred.

Peakypush · 20/09/2018 23:53

I don't know for sure obviously, I'm just saying I would think the same as your colleague based on my experience, so I can understand why she would think that. But as I said I would never say it out loud, especially in those circumstances. She was really rude.

Peakypush · 20/09/2018 23:59

gareth you are aware this is AIBU? It doesn't matter if the OP thinks I'm wrong and I think I'm right. It's just a difference of opinion is all, hardly worthy of calling someone an arse Grin I'm actually quite nice... just you know... really tired from having children Grin

EmilyRosiEl · 21/09/2018 00:06

Yes I totally agree.

It was insensitive- perhaps she didn't mean it to be? I'm assuming if the colleague has an elderly mother she probably won't be lucky enough to become a Mum either (if she ever wanted kids)?

Caring, whether for elderly or ill family members or kids can be exhausting.

If her mother has dementia or certain physical health problems she might well be up for most of the night so it might be exhausting!

Junkmail · 21/09/2018 00:06

There are some parents who seem to love to play martyr. And I don’t get it.

The most tired I’ve ever been is not sleeping for 48 hours. Awake for two days straight. It’s was horrendous. Hallucinations was just one of the unpleasant side effects. And yet. I would never think to use this as a way to compete with someone. Especially with someone who was up all night nursing a sick parent. Some people’s thought process is truly astonishing.

mumsastudent · 21/09/2018 00:08

great - a hierarchy of tiredness/exhaustion now - by which I mean as a good wise friend of mine said "its your experience & you/they shouldn't be made to feel that it doesn't matter - if life is difficult for you - no matter how difficult other peoples lives might seem your experience/concerns are/is valid" this was a discussion when I apologise to her for my worries over my dc when her dc had (as I saw it) more problems than mine. She was a lovely person. Comparing the difficulties we each have & discounting other peoples problems because we see our problems as worse isn't helpful to ourselves or to others -

PurpleDaisies · 21/09/2018 00:12

If her mother has dementia or certain physical health problems she might well be up for most of the night so it might be exhausting!

Exactly. And dealing with an incontinent adult is a completely different ball game than a toddler that isn’t dry yet.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 21/09/2018 00:20

I was suicidal with sleep deprivation when DD was a baby. And nothing I've been through since compares (including dying parent/parent with dementia/working 100+ week's as a City lawyer

Well I have a very different experience so I guess the point is that it's not as simple as "sleep deprivation is hardest when you have kids" a better way of saying it would be "one example of when sleep deprivation can be very tough is with young children" lots of others have experiences not related to children that we consider tougher. I have 3 children and i certainly had some hard nights but have had other experiences that would rival it for tiredness.

So just don't say anything, let her have her moan and offer support. Everything in life is not a competition.

Peakypush i got carried away calling you an arse. Sorry. The thing is your comment made me think of an episode of the programme Miranda, Amanda Barnes for anyone who knows it. I think the quote is "until youve given the gift of life you're not whole" aaaaaarggghhh. I knows it's a stupid farcical comedy but it is spot on with this!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 21/09/2018 00:20

Just to add I know that's not what you said, it just brought it to mind.

idontknowwhattohave · 21/09/2018 00:22

I would be upset by this comment, I usually let it go as I know the person saying won't accept or hear what I'm saying. I get really bad insomnia and can go 3/4 nights in a week of not sleeping til about 5am this can go on for weeks on end. I feel like a zombie but try to get on with the day as best as I can. I don't have children unfortunately and I have a mother with dementia and complex needs who I've cared for although since she's been in a nursing home I've been able to step back a bit, although I still worry and stress about her and sometimes can't sleep for worrying about her

I've had awful thoughtless insulting hurtful comments made about my childless state by people with children .

No one knows what people are going through - so we should think before we speak

Tomatoesrock · 21/09/2018 00:23

Yes it was shit and inappropriate considering she is looking after her elderly DM who could be near the end. There is no comparison. Child lady is an asshole.

Millie2008 · 21/09/2018 00:26

Yes I see what you mean Lamagrey. And I’d really like to think I’d never be that insensitive. But sometimes in the moment I feel that we can all say something a bit stupid that we regret when we reflect on it later. I think the important thing here is whether this is typical of this person- ie making everything about her rather than listening to others and being supportive.

RightYesButNo · 21/09/2018 00:50

Typical Elevenerife. You say you’ve been to Tenerife; they say they’ve been to Elevenerife. This does seem to happen so often with things that are hard or difficult (exhaustion, illness, grief) that I can understand why a PP called it Misery Top Trumps.

HelenaDove · 21/09/2018 01:26

Hmm She might come to regret the comment if/when she wants her childless/chiildfree collugue to do the Christmas shifts.

The colleuges radar might be tuned to this now though BECAUSE she made the comment she did.

BedtimeTea · 21/09/2018 02:24

I think it was an ignorant comment, not because of the elderly parent carer not having any children, but because, tired is tired. One is not more tired because they are up with a child than being up with anybody of any age. Or for any other broken sleep reason.

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