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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want daughter to change name

132 replies

BeanJen · 20/09/2018 13:14

I'm just about to get divorced and my 1yr DD has his surname. I'm planning to change mine back and I don't see why she has to have a different name to me for the rest of her life, when her father has basically decided to leave us because we're too much hassle. He has said to me he finds being a dad stressful and he wants to focus on himself. I'm sure though that he would be offended by the idea and I know I need his permission. Ideas? I was thinking double barrel our surnames (they would sound fine together) and then we're both on there. Is this unreasonable? I know it's just semantics, but I always dreamed of having a child and I love being a mum and I don't see why I have to lose our family name connection because I married the wrong man.

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 20/09/2018 13:16

You will need his permission. I am changing my name and the paperwork says if you are married you need your spouses permission, and children under 16 it must be both parents agreement.

AdoraBell · 20/09/2018 13:17

Sorry, pressed Post accidentally. Double barrel sounds a good option. That’s what myself and the DC have.

LeeRoar · 20/09/2018 13:18

I'd agree with you, your daughter is only 1 so it's not like she's used to having his surname so she would know no different. If he's really said he wants out because he wants 'Me Time' and you'll be the main carer of DD then yeah why shouldn't she have your last name?

BloodyDisgrace · 20/09/2018 13:18

Can you not do it by deed poll (say, to change to whatever name you want, your maiden name, or anything else not necessarily related to ex) so you won't need his permission? Have you asked a solicitor who does deed polls about that?

it's a good time to do it since the child is 1 y.o. and probably hasn't got much record of her being under her current name?

Original poster

BeanJen · 20/09/2018 13:22

@BloodyDisgrace I've read into it and I'd definitely need his permission to do any name change. If I do it without him he can legally change it back. I just know he'll say no or at least be angry I've asked so I need to know how reasonable my request is and any ideas anyone else has as to how to approach it :)

OP posts:

Hont1986 · 20/09/2018 13:22

"I'm planning to change mine back and I don't see why she has to have a different name to me for the rest of her life"

Don't change yours back then.

LibraryLurker · 20/09/2018 13:22

Double barrel sounds good in theory if you can get your soon to be ex's permission.. But I think you need to think ahead. If you were to marry again in the future would you take your new spouse's name? would any of the children of that marriage take your "maiden" name or their father's name. Your dd could turn out to be the only one with your "family name connection". Possibly allowing dd to keep her father's surname for now and making her own decision in the future might be better.

Yabbers · 20/09/2018 13:24

I’d want it changed, but then I’d have had her surname as mine from the start so I’m not sure if it’s unreasonable or not.

Racecardriver · 20/09/2018 13:26

What is in a name? Ask him. If he says no then that's that isn't it? It won't really affect her life so don't let this upset you too much.

Original poster

BeanJen · 20/09/2018 13:27

@Hont1986 I appreciate what you're saying, but for my own sanity I don't see why I should have to live with his family name when he hasn't been the family man he promised he'd be. I want a clean break for myself I'm only 31 why do I have to have a name I don't love for the rest of my life.
I get it though like I said I'm not necessarily being rational this is just how I feel

OP posts:

blackvelvetband · 20/09/2018 13:28

Jesus what a dick. I'm sorry to hear that you've had to deal with this. Yanbu, in these circumstances I'd definitely want to change her name.

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/09/2018 13:29

If he doesn’t want to be a dad (tosser) then will he really give a shit what her name is? Just tell him you’d like her to have the same surname as you and to sign here please

OrchidInTheSun · 20/09/2018 13:30

You can ask her school to use your surname. You'll just have to explain to her why the surname on her passport is different if you get one.

pigsDOfly · 20/09/2018 13:33

AdoraBell Am I reading your post right that you need your spouse's permission to change your own name or are you talking about changing a child's name?

If it's changing your own name that's appalling that you can't call yourself what you like.

That would mean if you were divorcing and you had taken your husband's name on marriage but wanted to revert to your original name or something else you'd have to get his permission until the divorce is final.

Obviously it's reasonable that changing a child's name would require both parents' permission.

Original poster

BeanJen · 20/09/2018 13:34

@pigsDOfly no I don't need his permission to change my name just DD's. I will be going back to my maiden name.

OP posts:

hobblesma · 20/09/2018 13:36

Didn’t change tpyour daughters identity to mirror your relationship status. It’s her name. Presumably it was good enough to give her before the relationship went wrong. Which has nothing to do with her.

hobblesma · 20/09/2018 13:37

*Dont change your

LibraryLurker · 20/09/2018 13:40

Could you dodge this a bit, at least until your daughter goes to school? Unofficially use your name but keep ex's for formal paperwork. By the time your daughter starts school it will be clear how much your ex is involved in your daughter's life and you would be in a stronger position to get the name changed. Clearly you are not going to get permission to do this at the moment so I'd stop thinking about it. Concentrate on things you can sort/fix.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2018 13:41

He’s a charmer. He would be offended by you wanting to change the name of the child, he deserted. YANBU at all. If longer term he doesn’t see your dd I’d just change her name by deed poll (didn’t know it was possible). Yes he could change it back but how would he know?

Thehop · 20/09/2018 13:42

I applied to court then sent court order with a deed poll to change my sons.

AllyMcBeagle · 20/09/2018 13:44

Not my area of law but my understanding is that you could ask the court for permission to change her name even if the refuses. I don't know how likely they are to grant such an order though, although it seems more reasonable that you want to double-barrel it rather than just change it to your maiden name.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 20/09/2018 13:45

I would suggest double barrelled - I think that is fair and reasonable. If he refuses, go to the family court (Specific Issues Order) and hopefully they will agree that your suggestion is fair and reasonable too.

Trinity66 · 20/09/2018 13:45

If his actual reason for leaving is he finds being a dad too stressful then he would have some cheek to be offended about you wanting her to have your name rather than his.........but of course he probably will anyway. Best of luck to you though OP, your daughter is lucky to have atleast one responsible parent

ArnoldBee · 20/09/2018 13:46

Don't forget you'll also be subjecting your DD to a life of any other names you have been known by on forms.

TheEmmaDilemma · 20/09/2018 13:47

So what happens when you get married again? Being only 31 there's a good chance. Are you then not going to change it to ensure she still has the same name?

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