To want daughter to change name

[BeanJen]

I'm just about to get divorced and my 1yr DD has his surname. I'm planning to change mine back and I don't see why she has to have a different name to me for the rest of her life, when her father has basically decided to leave us because we're too much hassle. He has said to me he finds being a dad stressful and he wants to focus on himself. I'm sure though that he would be offended by the idea and I know I need his permission. Ideas? I was thinking double barrel our surnames (they would sound fine together) and then we're both on there. Is this unreasonable? I know it's just semantics, but I always dreamed of having a child and I love being a mum and I don't see why I have to lose our family name connection because I married the wrong man.

Patricia

That's incorrect. Known as names are common and perfectly legal. They do not require consent of the father at all.

Ive just been through this in family court. The judge told my ex that whilst our dd name had to be the name on her birth certificate on official documents , she was wholly entitled to go by whatever name she wanted to be known as at school in class and that there wasnt anything he could do to stop it.

What happens if you meet someone else, get married and change your name again. Will you change hers again?

I'd leave it. That's her name that's who she is.

Ask him nicely if, in the circumstances would he mind. He may well say he couldn't give a hoot. And then do it quickly before he realises the ramifications. Get him to sign the papers. Done.
I would never have wanted my DC's to have a different surname to me. Too complicated. When we got divorced the most I could do was change the pronunciation.

I kept my married name (tbh i like the name) and when I later remarried i persuaded husband to change his name to ours (me and DC1) and when we then had a DC he got the surname too. Then divorced DH2 as well - meanwhile we are all walking around with XH1s surname

Some schools will allow you to do a ‘known as’ name, but they shouldn’t unless everyone with PR agrees, and more are getting more aware of what they should be doing.

If you want to do it then do it properly - go to court and have her name double barrelled. But don’t faff with known as and trying to get around the laws because if there is any issue further down the line it’s your daughter that it impacts on,

It just takes one awkward name misunderstanding and things are a pain. Not relevant now but I had a nightmare with uni because my standard grade certificate came through in my ‘known as’ name, but my highers in my proper name. It was a pain to sort out.

ID is so important these days (& expensive) make sure you do it properly. You can just apply for a deed poll and use it merrily, but her father can come along at any point and insist you go back as a deed poll isn’t legal for a child without the agreement of all those with PR.

If you are married, unless you have a formal separation agreement (in which case you only have to inform him), then you need your spouse's permission to change your name.

If you’re in the U.K. that’s not true at all, many women always switch between two names for work purposes.

And you can call yourself whatever you like as long it’s not defraud. Your spouse has no say.

FWIW... My son always had a different surname to me (me and his dad weren't married and when we split I left his name alone)... Then when I got married he had two siblings with their dad's name.

It's never mattered to any of us, because we're family regardless and we are loving and close knit. He has a name I chose (with his dad) as his first name, and that's the name everyone uses for him on a daily basis.

So it's just a thought, but leaving your LO's name isn't going to impact your relationship - I promise you.

However, if you would like the double barrel just ask him if he'd mind, since you're calling yourself by your maiden name, adding that on the end of her current surname.

I don't think it'll sound like a denial of his parenthood but an acknowledgment of yours in conjunction.

Just beat in mind, this will mean that if you get married again ever, you may want to not change your name again, or acknowledge she'll have a different name to you again.

Good luck in any case.

• to clarify - my eldest son is the only one with his surname and the rest of us are called by my husbands surname. We did float the idea of a double barrel for him (including my son and his dad in the conversation), but decided against it in the end.

@VanGoghsDog I don't understand why your sister had to do that. I changed my name back before I was divorced. Wrote a stat declaration, signed it and that was that, changed my name everywhere. At no point did I even tell my "husband" let alone ask for permission.

I changed mine and my childrens name after divorce - not back to my maiden name but a completely different one. We never did it by deed poll or statutory declaration just usage and I have never had a problem. My passport/ driving licence/ employment/ tax etc are all in my new name.

But just because I never had a problem - my children did. I changed them around 1990 and 9/11 changed everything and they really tightened up identity usage. As I was an adult and had used the name for years I was fine but my girls turned 18 after this and found it a problem and either had to revert to their dad's surname or go through deed poll to get it recognised everywhere. Whilst you can call yourself anything you like - legal documents will insist on your legal name.

You know what - 15 years later and I'm still not sure what they did - or how they feel about it. It's completely irrelevant in all of our lives.

A rose by any other name still smells as sweet. You and your ex will come to realise this in time and that it really does not matter.

At the time of seperation feelings are running high - 20 years later it all seemed a bit silly. 30 years later I think this thread has made me think about it for the first time in a decade.

If you can do it easily fine but if it is going to cause a fight let it go.

My sister divorced and continued using her previous married name for example Mrs Smith. Her children were known as Sue and Simon smith. She remarried and was known as Mrs Smith Jones. I actually thought this worked well
Personally I wouldn’t revert to my maiden name and have remained Mrs ex husbands surname although haven’t remarried

I would change it.
Why does your name trump his? Because he cannot be bothered to be part of your family so why should he have the family name.
Just because he's the biological father didn't mean he's the proper dad.
You and your dd will have a bright future without this dead weight. Sorry he turned out to be such an arse.

I would also think carefully about access..uuuugggrrr...men like him boil my piss.

Also this thread shows that marriage laws need to be revised.
Only women have to ask their spouses permission to get their named changed back? What the actual fuck?

Only women have to ask their spouses permission to get their named changed back? What the actual fuck?

They don't though

Personally I don’t think it sends the right message to your DD to change it now. She’ll always know her name doesn’t match her birth certificate and will want to know why as she grows older - difficult to explain without talking negatively about her dad. If your name and your role was that important you should have given her your name at birth. It’s not her fault you are separating so I don’t see why her name should change (that said, I wish more women would think of this when their DCs are born. Why couples default to the man’s name when Mum is more likely to be the primary care doesn’t make any sense to me).

malificent7 no they don't. Even married you can change your name to whatever you want. But she can't change the child's name without his permission. She isn't the only parent, he is also technically a parent. He's just a useless one.

It's about what's on the birth certificate.
Two parents have to agree to change it.

In your shoes I think I would not do anything official but start using either the name you want for her or the double barrelled version. I would use this in official things like school etc. Keep the birth cert as it is for now but refer to DD always as with the surname I choose. This will then become her 'given name'. Once she is old enough to change it legally without recourse to him she can if she wishes. As I understand you can use any name you choose as long as you are consistent to avoid confusion and it's not for criminal activity.

Only women have to ask their spouses permission to get their named changed back? What the actual fuck?

Well mostly it's women who change their names. But the bit about having to ask to revert to maiden name is bollocks.

If you change you by deed poll you need your spouses permission. Not only women, and not only the husband’s permission, according to the papers I got from them.

If not by deed poll you can use whatever name you choose.

So no, it’s not only women that need permission. If you are divorced you don’t need permission to change by deed poll.

I would try to change it (though I wouldn't have a. changed my name in the first place or b. called the kid by her F's name)

I would say to Ex that you want to double-barrel purely for reasons of practicality, for travelling/schools/admin etc And that it will be a whole lot less hassle in the long run for him .

But it will only be so if you don't change your name if you marry again.

@AdoraBell but you don't need to use deedpoll to go back to your maiden name, just like you don't need deedpoll to use your husbands name. A married women has the legal right to use either name whenever she likes (as long as it's not to commit fraud)

kaytee I am aware that a married woman has that right, but institutions want proof of change of name. I am currently using my using new name informally and my bank want to see either a marriage certificate or deep poll in order to change my name on my accounts. Just as they did when I changed my name after getting married. Passport application needs supporting documents with new name etc.

I could carry on as I am or make the change official. Now that my DC are over 16 they can change their names if they wish.

The judge told my ex that whilst our dd name had to be the name on her birth certificate on official documents , she was wholly entitled to go by whatever name she wanted to be known as at school in class and that there wasnt anything he could do to stop it

If this was about your daughter's first name I'm not overly surprised. However, if it was about her surname I'm afraid the judge was wrong. There are rulings by the Court of Appeal and the House of Lords on the subject that are binding on the lower courts.